Finding Home

by K. L. Humphreys

  “Baby, fuck.” She’s gutting me right now. “I love you, fuck do I love you.” I can see her watery smile. “I’ll always love you, baby. I think I’ve loved you since the moment you walked up to me with your beautiful head held high.”

  “I love you too,” she instantly replies. She’s full of confidence, the whispering is gone.

  “It’s going to stop baby,” I promise her. “You’re already getting back to the way things were before Ric was a dick. You’re taking your medication every day. You no longer stare into the distance for long periods of time and when you do, you pull yourself out of it. The darkness doesn’t linger as long as it did before. Baby, you’re getting there, trust me you’re getting there.”

  “It’s never going to go away,” she tells me cryptically. “The darkness, it’s a part of me, it’ll always be just below the surface.”

  “We’ll beat it back whenever it resurfaces. Baby, you’ve done it before and together we’ll do it again. You’re a fighter baby, there’s no doubt in my mind that you’ll never let that darkness consume you.” I’m proud of her, she’s fought so fucking hard to be here, to be able to live her life.

  “Dr. Sands feels I should see Dad.” She’s whispering again. “I don’t know if I want to.”

  “It’s your choice. You need to decide if going to see him will help you. Do you think going will help repair your relationship with Dustin, or will it make things worse?” I want her and her dad to speak because I believe it will help them both, that once Michelle speaks to him, her guilt will ease.

  “It might give us a relationship. We never had one before. I’m scared that he may hate me.” She sounds like a lost child, I guess in a way she is, she’s never had her family there to support her. Whereas mine were there for me when I was younger but even then they just chose to be more distant than others.

  “I don’t want him to hate me.” Her voice trembles as she rests her head against my chest.

  “He doesn’t hate you.” She raises her head. “Honestly baby, he doesn’t. He didn’t talk about you but that doesn’t mean that he didn’t love you. He does, I heard it loud and clear when he told me to look after you.” I remember thinking that Michelle would be an older woman, that she’d be his wife or something like that, the way he said her name, it was as though she was his world and I’m realizing now that I was right.

  “Okay, I’ll go and see him.” A small smile plays on her lips. “You’ll come with me won’t you? I mean for the drive?” She sounds hesitant. “I’m not sure I’m ready for you to meet my dad.”

  I can’t help the laughter that spills out of me. “Baby.”

  “Shut up, don’t laugh at me.” She pouts, before hiding her face against my chest.

  “Baby, I’ve met your dad before,” I remind her. “He’s the reason you and I met.” My body vibrates with laughter.

  She lifts her head as she slaps my chest but it doesn’t hurt. “I know that, I just meant not as my boyfriend. Okay?”

  I instantly sober. “Yeah baby, I understand, I’ll wait in the parking lot for you. Besides I did say I wasn’t stepping foot in that place again.” I quip, and it’s her turn to laugh. “Okay baby, are you going to be able to go back to sleep?” It’s still dark out, and I’m shattered. If I’m feeling like that, then she has to be too.

  “Yes, I’m tired, my eyelids are really heavy.” She rests her head against my chest as she lets out a heavy sigh. “I hope they stop soon.”

  “Me too baby, me too. Close your eyes, I’ve got you,” I tell her, kissing her head.

  “Love you Trent, so much,” she whispers, tiredness making her voice hoarse.

  “Love you too baby, sleep,” I say as I tighten my arms around her.

  Michelle’s fast asleep, it’s nine in the morning, and I’m cooking breakfast. After our talk last night, she slept through the rest of the night without even stirring. I was awoken by a text from Tina. Last night I had dinner with my family. Michelle came with me and was a great buffer. I was at ease as were my family, it was a great night, and I wouldn’t be opposed to doing it again. Michelle was right, she told me that if we had dinner somewhere neutral I’d be more settled and wouldn’t have my back up. That main thing was that I didn’t want to leave when they spoke about what happened, and I didn’t get angry, I was able to have a conversation about everything that happened and to me that’s progress, I guess we’ll have to see what the future holds, it could just be a fluke, only time will tell.

  “Now Agnes, what did my Peter tell us?” Ethel’s loud voice followed by the rasp of the elevator doors opening captures my attention. God, they’re on their way down, I hope they’re on their way to town.

  “I know what he said. I was there when you had him on that stupid speaker. He told us not to annoy Michelle and Trent. Like we annoy anyone,” Agnes replies, and I close my eyes with dread, they’re on their way down here. Fuck, there’s nowhere to hide. Maybe I can escape out the side door?

  “Don’t tar me with the same brush, Agnes. You’re annoying. Shelly loves me,” Ethel retorts. Fucking hell, I love these women but they’re too much sometimes. They’re nosey as hell and have to know absolutely everything.

  “Shelly loves us both. Do you think they’re in?” Agnes asks; they’re in the elevator.

  I make my way into the bedroom, Michelle’s lying in bed with wide eyes and a smile. She can hear them too. “Oh God, they’re so loud.” Her eyes dance with laughter as she smiles even wider.

  “Yeah, and they’re on their way here,” I narrow my eyes as she gets up from the bed and starts getting dressed. “Michelle, I’m making breakfast, why the hell are you getting dressed?”

  She studies me as though I’ve grown a second head. “You’re cooking breakfast? I don’t smell anything burning.” She actually sniffs the air.

  “You’re hilarious. I’ve learned to cook a few things.” Well I’m actually grilling them, so I don’t really need to do anything other than turn them. Speaking of, I really need to turn the bacon although she prefers it when it’s crispy and nearly burnt.

  “Hey, Trent?” She questions as I walk back out of the bedroom and toward the kitchen. “Trent, I was only joking,” she calls out after me, sounding unsure of herself. “Trent?” She calls again as I begin to turn the bacon and put the pan on to heat up for the sausages. Her tiny feet are loud as she makes her way through the apartment, she’s moving fast. “Trent, I was joking,” she says when she reaches the kitchen door.

  I feel like shit, that she thought she’d upset me, so I finish turning the bacon and walk over to her. “Baby, I know you were, I was just sorting breakfast. Now that you’re up, you can do the coffee.” Giving her a chaste kiss on her lips and before she can say anything, I walk over to the pan and check to see if it’s heated up enough.

  “You’re going all out for breakfast huh?” She’s smiling again. “I’ll make coffee because we both know that you hate this thing.” She laughs as she walks past me, she’s much brighter today and she’s only been awake a few minutes but I can already tell. Hopefully, the worst has gone and she can finally see the light.

  “What are we going to do about those two busybodies that are on their way, no doubt they’re standing outside the door listening to us as we talk.”

  “Trent,” she whines. “Leave them alone.” She’s still smiling, well aware that I love those ladies like they’re family. “You’re going to have to cook them breakfast. Besides, if they were coming here, they would have been here by now. They probably went out. Do you need any help?” She asks before handing me a cup of coffee.

  A knock at the door has me looking at her with a smug smile. “I’ll stay here and do breakfast, you can see what they want.” It’s too fucking early for visitors. I take a sip of coffee and get back to making sure that the food doesn’t burn. Every word they say travels through this apartment.

  “We won’t be staying long dear. We have something for you,” Ethel tells her, even from here I can tell s
he’s emotional, it’s piqued my curiosity to see what they have for her. “My Peter’s had it made because we’re no good with any of that technological stuff, but it finally was delivered this morning. We couldn’t wait to show you it.” Ethel can’t contain her excitement, whatever it is they’ve gotten for her, they’ve gone out of their way to have made.

  “Thank you both. Do you want to come in?” Michelle asks. “Trent’s making us breakfast. You’re more than welcome to join us.”

  “No Shelly, you open that when you’re alone with Trent. We just wanted to tell you that we love you and we’re here if you ever need us,” Agnes says

  Actually, I’m shocked that they’re not staying.

  “Are you sure?” Michelle too is sounding choked up with emotion. “Okay then, I love you both so very much.”

  The door closes, and it’s followed by silence. I finish off cooking the breakfast hoping that whatever it is she’s been given will put a smile on her face. She’s so quiet, I’m actually worried, she started off today so fucking happy and positive, and now, I have no idea where her head is. Plating up the breakfast I walk into the sitting room, Michelle’s sitting on the sofa with the biggest smile on her face. Relief washes through me, she’s happy. She’s holding a book in her hands and her eyes are watery as she glances through it. Her eyes lift from the book in her hands to my face. “They bought me a photo book. It has pictures of my grandma, my dad, me when I was little. Trent, it’s amazing. Do you want to look through it with me?”

  “Yeah baby, I do. How about we eat first and then we can go through it?” I tell her handing her a plate, she places the book down on the sofa next to her and reaches for the plate.

  We eat in silence, her eyes glued to the photo book beside her. “Baby, show me,” I tell her, and she’s like a kid at Christmas, she snatches it up and begins to show me all the pictures.

  She turns the page and points to a child. “This was my sixth birthday. God, Dad seems happy. You know, I can’t remember the last time he smiled or the last time he was happy.” Studying the picture of her father, he does indeed look happy, Michelle has so many of his features. But that man doesn’t resemble the Dustin that I know, and I wonder if all the drinking he did before going to prison has taken its toll on his body?

  “This is my Grandma May. She would have loved you.” Michelle tells me pulling me from my musings. “She would have loved you for just loving me.”

  “Well baby, I can hand on heart say that I would have loved your grandma too. From the sound of things she was a wonderful woman,” I tell her honestly. May was there for Michelle when she desperately needed someone and even though she had no idea how to help, she did everything she could to try to find her the help she needed.

  I continue to eat as she flips through the rest of the book. It’s pictures of her childhood all the way to her adult life, when she hits her teenage years I can really see a difference in her. Gone is the carefree, happy child and in its place is a solemn teenager. I notice that not one single picture has her mom in it, that woman never seemed to be a presence in Michelle’s life other than to treat Michelle like crap, thankfully she’s been keeping a low profile since she’s been here. I’ve yet to see her, and I’m not sure if that’s Sebastian’s doing or Claire’s herself. She’s scared that she’ll be thrown out if she even makes one peep. Looking over the pictures of Michelle, I notice her growing older and the darkness enters her eyes.

  “Oh,” she says and her face lights up even further, which is something I didn’t think could happen.

  She turns the book to me. She’s on the very last page, and it’s a picture of us. It’s a very candid picture and it’s like it’s been taken without us being aware of it. She’s in my arms and we’re gazing at each other. It’s funny to see how I look at her, and it’s even more intense than I had thought. Love is etched on both of our faces, but mine has a certain hardness to it, whereas her expression is softer, more inviting. She seems happy and in the first photograph since the darkness entered her eyes back at the age of sixteen, the darkness isn’t coming through.

  “I’m different,” she says quietly. “My eyes are full of happiness. I know I feel happy but I didn’t realize it shows. God, I love when you gaze at me like that,” she whispers, her fingers running over the picture.

  “Baby, I look at you like that every day and I will continue to every day for the rest of our lives. I want you to feel that happiness again.” I put my plate down and pull her into my arms.

  “I love you so much Trent, you make me so happy.” She leans her head into the crook of my neck, sighing contentedly.

  “Love you too baby, that’s never going to change.”

  My leg won’t stop bouncing as I sit in this plastic chair waiting to go in and see my dad. I feel like I’m a criminal, the way the guards are staring at me. I guess I am in a way, it should be me behind bars and not my dad. The guilt I have will never disappear no matter how much Trent believes otherwise. I think he’s under this illusion that I’ll see Dad today and I’m miraculously going to be better, that the darkness that I fight back every day is going to disappear and never come back. It doesn’t work like that. I’m always going to be fighting it back. Some days are better than others and since he’s been around those dark days are few and far between.

  I’ve been searched already since I’ve been here and Trent said that I can expect to be searched again when I’m leaving. He’s also told me that I’m not allowed to touch my dad. I understand why we’re not allowed, but it hurts knowing this is the first time in almost a decade that I’m going to see my dad, and I’m not allowed to even give him a hug. Trent said he wished he had a visitor while he was here, so that he could tell me what to expect. He told me everything the other inmates told him and he’s not sure if it’s true or not. So far, what he’s said is true, we got here early, and there were already loads here waiting. As soon as we came in I was searched, it’s very methodical and obviously they’ve been doing this for a long time but I’m scared out of my mind. I hate the unknown and not being able to be proactive and have a plan in place.

  Finally, the guards begin to call everyone, they’re checking everyone’s ID, damn, I riffle through my bag, trying to locate my purse so I can have my id ready. God, why do I feel as though I’m being constantly watched and monitored? I’m anxious, I hope it’s first-time jitters and if I come back again, I won’t notice this. Showing the guards my ID, I wait for further instruction. One of the guards goes through the rules, and I’m upset about the no touching rule. It’s weird. If you had told me yesterday that I’d be standing here upset that I can’t give my dad a hug, I’d have told you that you were lying. I listen carefully trying my hardest to make sure that I don’t forget a single thing, the last thing I need is for our visit to be cut short. This isn’t like what they portray on the TV.

  The door to my left opens, and I see a big room with tables and chairs. It is huge, people start to walk in and my legs are like lead, I don’t want to move, I’m scared. I’m so stupid. I should have listened to my gut. I shouldn’t have come here, there’s no way he doesn’t hate me. He’s serving life in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. I’d hate me too. Hell I hate myself for the pain and suffering that so many people have felt because of my actions that night. I wish I had done things differently, I wish I had ran away instead of picking that gun up and walking into the sitting room.

  I take a seat and wait for the inmates to enter the room, glancing around the room, there are so many hopeful, excited faces, all joyfully anticipating seeing their loved ones. Yet here I am, my hands shaking as I wait for them to come in. I have no idea what to expect. I wouldn’t blame him for turning back around and walking back the way he came when he sees me. My legs are bouncing beneath the table and my finger rubs against the raised skin of my scar. My go-to move for when I’m scared, anxious, or nervous.

  Another door opens and one by one the inmates come in, I bite my lip and my finger remains on my wr
ist, as I wait for him to come in, I see the inmates smile as they catch sight of their loved ones. So much happiness in one room, it’s amazing to witness. I catch a glimpse of my father and I’m shocked, he’s not the man I remember. He has a full head of gray hair, he’s aged so much, he has wrinkles now. But what causes me to gasp is the amount of weight he’s lost. My dad was never a ‘big’ man. He had a beer gut from all the drink, but it wasn’t huge by any means. He’s lost so much weight, he looks sick. Gone is my fear that he’ll hate me, I want to know what the hell has happened to my dad.

  “Shelly,” he whispers as he nears me, a huge smile on his face, there’s no hate, there’s no sadness, only pure love and happiness.

  I’m up out of my seat and everything I was told before seeing him completely escapes me as I throw my arms around him. “Daddy,” I whisper, tears flowing as I wrap my arms around his tiny frame. I can feel his bones beneath my hands.

  “Back up! No touching!” One of the guards yells at us.

  Dad instantly pulls away from me and takes a seat. “Shelly, they’ll pull me from the visit if we touch again. God, baby girl, it’s so good to see you.” He’s full of smiles, he’s so happy to see me.

  Tears well in my eyes. “You don’t know how happy I am to see you. I thought you’d hate me,” I whisper as I scan the room to make sure no one is listening to us. They’re not. They’re all happily talking amongst themselves.

  “I don’t hate you. I hate myself. What happened wasn’t your fault, you were pushed to your limit. Shelly, it should never have happened. Your mom should have told me what happened. I would have ended it there and then that very first night,” he grits out, and I’m shocked. How did he know anything happened before that night?