On Every Side

by Karen Kingsbury

  He eased up on the pedal and drove slowly back to his motel room. If only things had been different, if her parents had gotten word to his social worker earlier about their intention to adopt Heidi and him. Jordan couldn't imagine how things might have turned out, but they would definitely have been different. Maybe Faith was right. Maybe he would have wound up working along-side Bob Moses on the other side of the battle for religious rights.

  But none of that mattered now.

  He'd already made his decision, already filed the lawsuit. He'd taken a public stand against the very things Faith held dear, the things her father had devoted his final days defending. Jordan let out a strangled huff. Of course he hadn't asked Faith for her phone number. Angry tears stung his eyes as he let himself into his motel room. Faith represented everything good and pure and clean about life; ideals he knew nothing about and didn't believe in, anyway.

  There would never be another date between them, never another kiss.

  After tomorrow, Faith would learn what he'd done. What he'd become. Then he'd no longer be her old friend, a man who'd captured her heart in the parking lot of a Bethany diner.

  He'd be her enemy

  Nine

  One of the benefits of doing the eleven o'clock news was that unless Faith was working on a Wednesday's Child segment, she had her days to herself. When she awoke that Tuesday morning, after a night consumed with thoughts of Jordan, Faith knew there was only one way she could right her perspective.

  By spending a day with Rosa.

  Since the interview there had been one other time when Faith had contacted Rosa's social worker to arrange an afternoon with her. Over the weekend they'd seen the latest Disney movie and today…well, today Faith wanted to take her back to Jericho Park. Rosa had been drawn to the Jesus statue, and Faith couldn't think of any place she'd rather spend a few hours to sort through her emotions.

  Faith planned to pick the child up at her foster home just before lunch. She brought a picnic and found the girl ready and waiting.

  “You came!” Rosa ran down the sidewalk, her hair bouncing behind her, and flew into Faith's arms. “Did you see me on TV again?”

  “I sure did.” The girl's hair felt smooth beneath Faith's finger-tips, and she and Rosa locked hands as they made their way to the car. Rosa's words rang in Faith's heart. You came…you came… you came… How many times had the child been let down if Faith's simple commitment—the mere act of showing up as she'd promised—meant so much?

  “You sure looked pretty”

  Faith pulled into traffic and headed for the park as Rosa grinned at her, her eyes huge and full of expectation.” Did my new mommy and daddy call yet?”

  An ache settled around the base of Faith's heart and she swal-lowed a sigh. “Not yet, sweetheart, but that doesn't mean any-thing. Jesus has a plan, remember?”

  Rosa's smile faded some and she settled back into her seat. “Uh-huh. My forever parents will come for me in His timing. Right? That's what my foster mom says and you too.”

  “Right, baby… that's right. Jesus has someone planned for you and one of these days you'll meet them and it'll feel as if they were there all along.”

  “One of these days…” Rosa sighed and stared out the wind-shield. There was nothing cynical or defeated in the little girl's tone. Only a resignation that as of yet there were still no parents for her, no one to call her own. You know I'd take her if I could, Lord…

  Silence.

  Faith felt the beginning of tears and forced herself to be cheer-ful. It wouldn't help Rosa if she were sad this afternoon. This was a day for playing and laughing and enjoying their time together. They arrived at the park and shared a peanut butter sandwich and homemade cookies. Faith was pushing the child on thè swing, when she noticed the way two little girls nearby whis-pered about Rosa's missing fingers. Faith slowed the swing down and tickled Rosa.

  “Okay, sweetcakes, get off.”

  Rosa grinned at her and slid down to the ground. Once the swing was empty, Faith sat down and pulled Rosa onto her lap.

  “Hold on!” Faith waited until the child had a tight grip on the chains, then covering the girl's deformed hand with her own, Faith pumped the swing higher and higher, savoring Rosa's little-girl laughter.

  Something about Faith's acceptance of her seemed to con-vince the other little girls that Rosa was okay After a few minutes the two of them came and stood nearby “Can she play with us?”

  Faith felt a surge of hope as she slowed the swing, breathless from the cool fall air and the thrill of the ride. She leaned close and spoke softly in Rosa's ear.” Wanna play with them?”

  Rosa bobbed her head up and down. “Yes, please…” And with that she and the other girls ran off to the merry-go-round. The tears were back as Faith silently celebrated the victory. She needs a mom, Lord…someone who can help her win those battles every day of her life.

  No words of wisdom echoed in Faith's soul as she made her way to a nearby bench. She watched the children play and gradu-ally her mind wandered once more to the night before.

  Jordan Riley.

  Was his return some part of God's plan? Faith thought about that and decided it could be. After all, they were both still single and whatever attraction had been there for them as kids had obviously lasted over the years. She sighed and tried to imagine what might have happened if Jordan hadn't disappeared for six-teen years of her life. There would have been no Mike Dillan to forget about, no broken heart.

  What had she been thinking to date a man such as Mike Dillan anyway? Faith sighed and crossed her legs, enjoying the way the sun felt on her shoulders. Becoming Mike's girlfriend wasn't something she'd planned; it had just sort of happened. Faith hadn't let herself remember that time in her life for years, but now, watching Rosa play with her new friends, still basking in the memory of Jordan's kiss from the night before, Faith felt herself drifting back.

  For years after Jordan left, Faith waited for him, asking her parents where he lived and imagining ways she might find him again. Through junior high and even high school she never had a boyfriend, because every time one of her peers was interested she compared him to Jordan. Someday, she'd tell herself, someday God will bring us back together It was a sentiment she wrote in her journals and carried with her straight into college.

  Her four years at Penn State were a blur of busyness and activities led by her involvement with the school newspaper and broadcast department. There was little time for boyfriends, but every now and then she'd spend a weekend at home and wind up at Jericho Park, on the bench near the Jesus statue where she and Jordan had spent their last days together. Where is he, Lord? She'd let her imagination run wild. Maybe he'd moved on to another state or another country…maybe he'd gone to college and was spending all his free time trying to find her. Wherever he was, he wasn't in Bethany and the chance that Faith would ever see him again was practically nonexistent.

  Faith stared at the Jesus statue now and tried to remember herself as she'd been back then, a senior in college, working as a broadcast intern for a small student-run station not far from cam-pus. She'd been too busy to do much more than keep to her schedule and once in a rare while think about Jordan and what might have been.

  Mike had come into the picture two years later when her internship led to a full-time sports reporting position at the Philadelphia CBS affiliate. Mike was a tight end with the Eagles, and from the first day Faith was assigned to do sidebar stories on the team, he'd made his presence known.

  He had come up to her after the game, when her interviews were over and she was making her way to the car. “Hey gor-geous.”

  Faith remembered not being sure how to answer him. He was good-looking, but she was on the job and determined not to date players. She wound up waving to him as though she hadn't heard his comment, relieved when he waved back but went his own way. Good… keep him far away from me, Lord… pro athletes are nothing but trouble.

  That had been only the beginning. As she got t
o know the personalities on the team better she learned that Mike was a devoted Christian who gave both his time and money to local charities and churches. After her first five weeks covering the team, he began asking her out.

  She would smile and change the subject, sticking to her pro-fessional list of questions and assignment objectives. “I don't date players.”

  “I'm not a player,” he'd grin at her. “Players hang out with dif-ferent girls every week. I'm a professional athlete, and you're a professional reporter…”

  His relentless pursuit of her chipped away at her resistance with one fine-sounding argument after another.

  One sunny afternoon before practice, it was: “What are you afraid of, Faith? I don't bite.”

  Or after a game, when the locker room had cleared: “Why won't you go out with me? I think we have a lot in common.”

  And in the parking lot a week later: “We're adults, Faith. When are you going to take me seriously?”

  After a month of saying no, Faith finally agreed to have din-ner with him following a home game. They went to a little-known Italian restaurant, and six weeks later, Faith had fallen hard for him. They became expert at keeping their relationship a secret, sure that it would cast a questionable light on Faith's reporting if word got out.

  Faith squinted and let her gaze settle on Rosa, enjoying the way she laughed and ran as she played tag with her two new friends. If only things hadn't gotten so serious between Mike and her. She would have been okay with a casual friendship, a dating situation with long-term potential. Instead, on their first-year anniversary they went to the same Italian restaurant and Mike tenderly took her hands in his.

  “Faith, I've never loved anyone like I love you.” There had been unshed tears in his eyes, tears that at the time seemed utterly genuine. He let go with one hand and reached into his coat pocket, pulling out a velvet box. As though he'd practiced for the moment, he opened it in a single move. There inside lay a diamond ring bigger than any Faith had ever seen. “Marry me, Faith.”

  The memory faded, and she gritted her teeth, noticing that her hands were clenched. Even now, when she was glad for not having made the mistake of marrying him, the anger and hurt he'd caused her. still lay in the open places of her heart. If only she'd seen it coming back then.

  Rosa caught her gaze and waved at her. “Hi, Faith!”

  Faith's love for the child made her heart swell. “Hi, sweetie!”

  Confident that Faith was there for her, watching her, Rosa returned to her play. Faith glanced down at her hands, remem-bering how she'd gone home a week after Mike proposed and shown the diamond ring to her parents. They'd met Mike by then, and though her mother was thrilled with the idea of their engagement, her father had been wary.

  “Something about him doesn't ring true.” Her father had stroked his beard thoughtfully. “I can't put my finger on it, but it makes me worried for you, Faith. I have to be honest.”

  She'd only given her father a teasing smile and a quick kiss on the cheek. “Would any man ever be good enough, Daddy?”

  There was just one aspect of their relationship that caused Faith any private doubt. Mike hadn't wanted to set a wedding date. She could still hear his weak excuses. “I need to focus on my career right now, Faith. It'd be impossible to be married and keep up my performance as an athlete.” He'd weave his fingers through her hair and pull her close, kissing her. “You under-stand, right?”

  And she had. After all, he'd been a perfect gentleman, respecting her determination to stay pure, at least respecting it until his marriage offer. Faith had her own apartment, and certainly they'd had their moments of temptation, but always he found his way to the front door before midnight and without putting any pres-sure on her. They prayed together, attended church together, and talked of having a godly marriage, one that the Lord Himself would bless for all time.

  Faith uttered a sad laugh.

  In the end, her father's doubts had been more genuine than anything Mike had promised. The changes came after the engagement, and though they were subtle, they were persistent. “We're practically married, Faith…” he'd whisper as he kissed her neck, running his hands along her sides. “Do you really think God would care if I stayed the night? Just this once.”

  Week after week Faith could feel her resolve wearing thin, but still she refused his attempts. “We've waited this long, Mike. It's important to me. To both of us, right?”

  “Please, Faith… just one time…”

  Three months after getting engaged, when they were alone in her apartment well after midnight, she couldn't find the words to tell him no, couldn't hold back from welcoming his embrace and finally giving in to the physical love they'd both been resisting. Six weeks later a home pregnancy test confirmed what she already knew.

  She was a Christian sportscaster carrying the baby of one of the players on the team she covered.

  Faith felt nauseous as she remembered what happened next. She'd told Mike about the baby and suggested they set a quick wedding date, but he was distant and vague, careful not to make promises. Why didn't I see it coming, Lord? Faith's unspoken question hung in the rafters of her mind even now. It was behind her; it had to be. Forgotten as though it had never happened…

  The sun was shifting and a chill passed over her. It was almost time to get Rosa back to her foster home. She blinked and tried to forget the way the story ended but there was no getting around it. For the next month Mike seemed always too busy to return her phone calls.

  It wasn't until she saw a newspaper photo of him with one of the team cheerleaders that she figured it out.

  She'd broken down and cried when he finally called her a week later. “How could you?”

  “Listen, Faith, you're too serious for me. I'm not ready to settle down.”

  She had been so distraught she'd spent the afternoon fighting violent bouts of nausea and anxiety. The bleeding started later that night, and by the next morning she had lost everything that might remind her of Mike Dillan. At the end of the month she took his diamond ring to a pawnshop and hocked it to pay her hospital bills.

  The only person who ever knew about the baby was her father, and his support had been exactly what Faith had expected. “I'm sorry, honey” He held her, stroked her hair and comforted her as he'd done when she was little, back when having an argu-ment with a girlfriend was the worst thing that happened to her. No snide remarks or reminders about how he'd seen it coming, no chastisements on how she should have known better than to date a professional athlete. No digs about Mike's supposed belief in God and how that had turned out to be nothing more than good public relations for his high profile persona.

  Only understanding and grace.

  The same grace God Himself had extended her when the ordeal was over. Faith's throat was thick with the memories, and she swallowed back a wave of tears. God had never turned His back on her. Not then, and not years later when she had her acci-dent. Not even when her father died.

  No, God had been there through it all.

  She thought about Jordan, how she had long since given up the idea that she'd ever see him again and somehow she knew the Lord had His hand in that too. Had she ever felt so at ease with another man? She knew she hadn't. Though she'd been attracted to Mike, she'd been cautious from the beginning. First because of their professional conflicts, then because of her father's concerns. Her subtle fears about Mike had been easy to bury, but now, in light of her time with Jordan, the difference was striking.

  No one had ever made her feel the way Jordan did. Maybe because she had loved him back when they were so young.

  Faith noticed the sun making its way toward the horizon and she locked her attention on Rosa. Poor, girl. Lord, give her a fam-ily, please…

  She cupped her hands around her mouth. “Rosa, let's go, honey.”

  The little girl jumped up and waved at her new friends. Then she ran up and circled her arms around Faith's neck. “Is it time to go?”

  Faith's heart f
elt as though it had slipped through a hole in her left sock.” Yes, sweetie pie. Your foster mom's expecting you back.”

  Rosa stared across the park toward the Jesus statue. “Know what I asked Jesus for today?” She angled her head in Faith's direction and grinned, her eyes filled with light.

  “What?”

  “I asked Him to let you be my mommy.”

  There was a choking feeling at the back of Faith's throat as she fought more tears. What's this feeling I have, Lord? I can't he her mother, You know that I can hardy take care of myself

  Be strong and courageous, my daughter. Life is not lived within the safety of walls.

  Faith gulped back a sob as she knelt and hugged Rosa. After a moment she drew back, looking straight into the child's soul. “Oh, honey I would love to be your mommy. There couldn't be any better daughter for me than you.”

  Rosa's eyes glowed with hope. “You mean you'll do it then? You'll take me home to live with you?”

  “Sweetheart… I don't know.” There was nothing she could do about the tears and Faith held the girl close once more so she wouldn't see them. Why was she feeling this way—as though she'd been born to love this little girl? Faith wiped her cheeks and looked at Rosa again. “I'll ask Him the same thing, okay?”

  Rosa's smile took up most of her face as she tucked her small hand into Faith's. “My Sunday school teacher says that Jesus always hears us, even when we don't get the answer we want.”

  Discreetly, Faith wiped away another release of tears. “That's right, honey.”

  Rosa stared across the park again. “Know why I like the Jesus statue?”

  “Why?” They walked without any sense of purpose, both reluctant to see the afternoon end.

  “Because it makes me know how big Jesus is.” Rosa released her grip on Faith's hand and stretched her arms as far as they could go in either direction. “Bigger than anything in the whole wide world.”

  Faith caught the girl's fingers again and squeezed them gently. “Don't you ever forget it, honey Don't ever forget it.”