One Thousand and One Nights

by Richard Burton

  So he sat down upon the throne of the Khalifate and laid the dagger in his lap, whereupon all [present] came up to kiss the earth before him and called down on him length of life and continuance [of glory and prosperity]. Then came forward Jaafer the Barmecide and kissing the earth, said, “May the wide world of God be the treading of thy feet and may Paradise be thy dwelling-place and the fire the habitation of thine enemies! May no neighbour transgress against thee nor the lights of fire die out for thee, O Khalif of [all] cities and ruler of [all] countries!”

  Therewithal Aboulhusn cried out at him and said, “O dog of the sons of Bermek, go down forthright, thou and the master of the police of the city, to such a place in such a street and deliver a hundred dinars to the mother of Aboulhusn the Wag and bear her my salutation. [Then, go to such a mosque] and take the four sheikhs and the Imam and beat each of them with four hundred lashes and mount them on beasts, face to tail, and go round with them about all the city and banish them to a place other than the city; and bid the crier make proclamation before them, saying, ‘This is the reward and the least of the reward of whoso multiplieth words and molesteth his neighbours and stinteth them of their delights and their eating and drinking!’” Jaafer received the order [with submission] and answered with [“Hearkening and] obedience;” after which he went down from before Aboulhusn to the city and did that whereunto he had bidden him.

  Meanwhile, Aboulhusn abode in the Khalifate, taking and giving, ordering and forbidding and giving effect to his word, till the end of the day, when he gave [those who were present] leave and permission [to withdraw], and the Amirs and officers of state departed to their occasions. Then the eunuchs came to him and calling down on him length of life and continuance [of glory and prosperity], walked in attendance upon him and raised the curtain, and he entered the pavilion of the harem, where he found candles lighted and lamps burning and singing-women smiting [on instruments of music]. When he saw this, he was confounded in his wit and said in himself, “By Allah, I am in truth Commander of the Faithful!” As soon as he appeared, the slave-girls rose to him and carrying him up on to the estrade, brought him a great table, spread with the richest meats. So he ate thereof with all his might, till he had gotten his fill, when he called one of the slave-girls and said to her, “What is thy name?” “My name is Miskeh,” replied she, and he said to another, “What is thy name?” Quoth she, “My name is Terkeh.” Then said he to a third, “What is thy name?” “My name is Tuhfeh,” answered she; and he went on to question the damsels of their names, one after another, [till he had made the round of them all], when he rose from that place and removed to the wine-chamber.

  He found it every way complete and saw therein ten great trays, full of all fruits and cakes and all manner sweetmeats. So he sat down and ate thereof after the measure of his sufficiency, and finding there three troops of singing-girls, was amazed and made the girls eat. Then he sat and the singers also seated themselves, whilst the black slaves and the white slaves and the eunuchs and pages and boys stood, and the slave-girls, some of them, sat and some stood. The damsels sang and warbled all manner melodies and the place answered them for the sweetness of the songs, whilst the pipes cried out and the lutes made accord with them, till it seemed to Aboulhusn that he was in Paradise and his heart was cheered and his breast dilated. So he sported and joyance waxed on him and he bestowed dresses of honour on the damsels and gave and bestowed, challenging this one and kissing that and toying with a third, plying one with wine and another with meat, till the night fell down.

  All this while the Khalif was diverting himself with watching him and laughing, and at nightfall he bade one of the slave-girls drop a piece of henbane in the cup and give it to Aboulhusn to drink. So she did as he bade her and gave Aboulhusn the cup, whereof no sooner had he drunken than his head forewent his feet [and he fell down, senseless]. Therewith the Khalif came forth from behind the curtain, laughing, and calling to the servant who had brought Aboulhusn to the palace, said to him, “Carry this fellow to his own place.” So Mesrour took him up [and carrying him to his own house], set him down in the saloon. Then he went forth from him and shutting the saloon-door upon him, returned to the Khalif, who slept till the morrow.

  As for Aboulhusn, he gave not over sleeping till God the Most High brought on the morning, when he awoke, crying out and saying, “Ho, Tuffaheh! Ho, Rahet el Culoub! Ho, Miskeh! Ho, Tuhfeh!” And he gave not over calling upon the slave-girls till his mother heard him calling upon strange damsels and rising, came to him and said, “The name of God encompass thee! Arise, O my son, O Aboulhusn! Thou dreamest.” So he opened his eyes and finding an old woman at his head, raised his eyes and said to her, “Who art thou?” Quoth she, “I am thy mother;” and he answered, “Thou liest! I am the Commander of the Faithful, the Vicar of God.” Whereupon his mother cried out and said to him, “God preserve thy reason! Be silent, O my son, and cause not the loss of our lives and the spoiling of thy wealth, [as will assuredly betide,] if any hear this talk and carry it to the Khalif.”

  So he rose from his sleep and finding himself in his own saloon and his mother by him, misdoubted of his wit and said to her, “By Allah, O my mother, I saw myself in a dream in a palace, with slave-girls and servants about me and in attendance upon me, and I sat upon the throne of the Khalifate and ruled. By Allah, O my mother, this is what I saw, and verily it was not a dream!” Then he bethought himself awhile and said, “Assuredly, I am Aboulhusn el Khelia, and this that I saw was only a dream, and [it was in a dream that] I was made Khalif and commanded and forbade.” Then he bethought himself again and said, “Nay, but it was no dream and I am no other than the Khalif, and indeed I gave gifts and bestowed dresses of honour.” Quoth his mother to him, “O my son, thou sportest with thy reason: thou wilt go to the hospital and become a gazing-stock. Indeed, that which thou hast seen is only from the Devil and it was a delusion of dreams, for whiles Satan sporteth with men’s wits in all manner ways.”

  Then said she to him, “O my son, was there any one with thee yesternight?” And he bethought himself and said, “Yes; one lay the night with me and I acquainted him with my case and told him my story. Doubtless, he was from the Devil, and I, O my mother, even as thou sayst truly, am Aboulhusn el Khelia.” “O my son,” rejoined she, “rejoice in tidings of all good, for yesterday’s record is that there came the Vivier Jaafer the Barmecide [and his company] and beat the sheikhs of the mosque and the Imam, each four hundred lashes; after which they paraded them about the city, making proclamation before them and saying, ‘This is the reward and the least of the reward of whoso lacketh of goodwill to his neighbours and troubleth on them their lives!’ and banished them from Baghdad. Moreover, the Khalif sent me a hundred dinars and sent to salute me.” Whereupon Aboulhusn cried out and said to her, “O old woman of ill-omen, wilt thou contradict me and tell me that I am not the Commander of the Faithful? It was I who commanded Jaafer the Barmecide to beat the sheikhs and parade them about the city and make proclamation before them and who sent thee the hundred dinars and sent to salute thee, and I, O beldam of ill-luck, am in very deed the Commander of the Faithful, and thou art a liar, who would make me out a dotard.”

  So saying, he fell upon her and beat her with a staff of almond-wood, till she cried out, “[Help], O Muslims!” and he redoubled the beating upon her, till the folk heard her cries and coming to her, [found] Aboulhusn beating her and saying to her, “O old woman of ill-omen, am I not the Commander of the Faithful? Thou hast enchanted me!” When the folk heard his words, they said, “This man raveth,” and doubted not of his madness. So they came in upon him and seizing him, pinioned him and carried him to the hospital. Quoth the superintendant, “What aileth this youth?” And they said, “This is a madman.” “By Allah,” cried Aboulhusn, “they lie against me! I am no madman, but the Commander of the Faithful.” And the superintendant answered him, saying, “None lieth but thou, O unluckiest of madmen!”

  Then he stripped him of his clothes and c
lapping on his neck a heavy chain, bound him to a high lattice and fell to drubbing him two bouts a day and two anights; and on this wise he abode the space of ten days. Then his mother came to him and said, “O my son, O Aboulhusn, return to thy reason, for this is the Devil’s doing.” Quoth he, “Thou sayst sooth, O my mother, and bear thou witness of me that I repent [and forswear] that talk and turn from my madness. So do thou deliver me, for I am nigh upon death.” So his mother went out to the superintendant and procured his release and he returned to his own house.

  Now this was at the beginning of the month, and when it was the end thereof, Aboulhusn longed to drink wine and returning to his former usance, furnished his saloon and made ready food and let bring wine; then, going forth to the bridge, he sat there, expecting one whom he should carouse withal, as of his wont. As he sat thus, behold, up came the Khalif [and Mesrour] to him; but Aboulhusn saluted them not and said to them, “No welcome and no greeting to the perverters! Ye are no other than devils.” However, the Khalif accosted him and said to him, “O my brother, did I not say to thee that I would return to thee?” Quoth Aboulhusn, “I have no need of thee; and as the byword says in verse:

  ‘Twere fitter and better my loves that I leave, For, if the eye see not, the heart will not grieve.

  And indeed, O my brother, the night thou camest to me and we caroused together, I and thou, it was as if the Devil came to me and troubled me that night.” “And who is he, the Devil?” asked the Khalif. “He is none other than thou,” answered Aboulhusn; whereat the Khalif smiled and sitting down by him, coaxed him and spoke him fair, saying, “O my brother, when I went out from thee, I forgot [to shut] the door [and left it] open, and belike Satan came in to thee.” Quoth Aboulhusn, “Ask me not of that which hath betided me. What possessed thee to leave the door open, so that the Devil came in to me and there befell me with him this and that?” And he related to him all that had befallen him, from first to last, aud there is no advantage in the repetition of it; what while the Khalif laughed and hid his laughter.

  Then said he to Aboulhusn, “Praised be God who hath done away from thee that which irked thee and that I see thee in weal!” And Aboulhusn said, “Never again will I take thee to boon-companion or sitting-mate; for the byword saith, ‘Whoso stumbleth on a stone and returneth thereto, blame and reproach be upon him.’ And thou, O my brother, nevermore will I entertain thee nor use companionship with thee, for that I have not found thy commerce propitious to me.” But the Khalif blandished him and conjured him, redoubling words upon him with “Verily, I am thy guest; reject not the guest,” till Aboulhusn took him and [carrying him home], brought him into the saloon and set food before him and friendly entreated him in speech. Then he told him all that had befallen him, whilst the Khalif was like to die of hidden laughter; after which Aboulhusn removed the tray of food and bringing the wine-tray, filled a cup and emptied it out three times, then gave it to the Khalif, saying, “O boon-companion mine, I am thy slave and let not that which I am about to say irk thee, and be thou not vexed, neither do thou vex me.” And he recited these verses:

  No good’s in life (to the counsel list of one who’s

  purpose-whole,) An if thou be not drunken still and gladden

  not thy soul.

  Ay, ne’er will I leave to drink of wine, what while the night on

  me Darkens, till drowsiness bow down my head upon my bowl.

  In wine, as the glittering sunbeams bright, my heart’s

  contentment is, That banishes hence, with various joys, all

  kinds of care and dole.

  When the Khalif heard these his verses, he was moved to exceeding delight and taking the cup, drank it off, and they ceased not to drink and carouse till the wine rose to their heads. Then said Aboulhusn to the Khalif, “O boon-companion mine, of a truth I am perplexed concerning my affair, for meseemed I was Commander of the Faithful and ruled and gave gifts and largesse, and in very deed, O my brother, it was not a dream.” “These were the delusions of sleep,” answered the Khalif and crumbling a piece of henbane into the cup, said to him, “By my life, do thou drink this cup.” And Aboulhusn said, “Surely I will drink it from thy hand.” Then he took the cup from the Khalifs hand and drank it off, and no sooner had it settled in his belly than his head forewent his feet [and he fell down senseless].

  Now his parts and fashions pleased the Khalif and the excellence of his composition and his frankness, and he said in himself, “I will assuredly make him my cup- companion and sitting-mate.” So he rose forthright and saying to Mesrour, “Take him up,” [returned to the palace]. Accordingly, Mesrour took up Aboulhusn and carrying him to the palace of the Khalifate, set him down before Er Reshid, who bade the slaves and slave- girls encompass him about, whilst he himself hid in a place where Aboulhusn could not see him.

  Then he commanded one of the slave-girls to take the lute and strike it at Aboulhusn’s head, whilst the rest smote upon their instruments. [So they played and sang,] till Aboulhusn awoke at the last of the night and heard the noise of lutes and tabrets and the sound of the pipes and the singing of the slave-girls, whereupon he opened his eyes and finding himself in the palace, with the slave-girls and eunuchs about him, exclaimed, ‘There is no power and no virtue but in God the Most High, the Supreme! Verily, I am fearful of the hospital and of that which I suffered therein aforetime, and I doubt not but the Devil is come to me again, as before. O my God, put thou Satan to shame!” Then he shut his eyes and laid his head in his sleeve and fell to laughing softly and raising his head [bytimes], but [still] found the apartment lighted and the girls singing.

  Presently, one of the eunuchs sat down at his head and said to him, “Sit up, O Commander of the Faithful, and look on thy palace and thy slave-girls.” Quoth Aboulhusn, “By the protection of God, am I in truth Commander of the Faithful and dost thou not lie? Yesterday, I went not forth neither ruled, but drank and slept, and this eunuch cometh to rouse me up.” Then he sat up and bethought himself of that which had betided him with his mother and how he had beaten her and entered the hospital, and he saw the marks of the beating, wherewithal the superintendant of the hospital had beaten him, and was perplexed concerning his affair and pondered in himself, saying, “By Allah, I know not how my case is nor what is this that betideth me!”

  Then he turned to a damsel of the damsels and said to her, “Who am I?” Quoth she, “Thou art the Commander of the Faithful;” and he said, “Thou liest, O calamity! If I be indeed the Commander of the Faithful, bite my finger.” So she came to him and bit it with her might, and he said to her, “It sufficeth.” Then he said to the chief eunuch, “Who am I?” And he answered, “Thou art the Commander of the Faithful.” So he left him and turning to a little white slave, said to him, “Bite my ear;” and he bent down to him and put his ear to his mouth. Now the slave was young and lacked understanding; so he closed his teeth upon Aboulhusn’s ear with his might, till he came near to sever it; and he knew not Arabic, so, as often as Aboulhusn said to him, “It sufficeth,” he concluded that he said, “Bite harder,” and redoubled his bite and clenched his teeth upon the ear, whilst the damsels were diverted from him with hearkening to the singing-girls, and Aboulhusn cried out for succour from the boy and the Khalif [well-nigh] lost his senses for laughter.

  Then he dealt the boy a cuff and he let go his ear, whereupon Aboulhusn put off his clothes and abode naked, with his yard and his arse exposed, and danced among the slave-girls. They bound his hands and he wantoned among them, what while they [well-nigh] died of laughing at him and the Khalif swooned away for excess of laughter. Then he came to himself and going forth to Aboulhusn, said to him, “Out on thee, O Aboulhusn! Thou slayest me with laughter.” So he turned to him and knowing him, said to him, “By Allah, it is thou slayest me and slayest my mother and slewest the sheikhs and the Imam of the Mosque!”

  Then the Khalif took him into his especial favour and married him and bestowed largesse on him and lodged him with himself in the palace and made
him of the chief of his boon-companions, and indeed he was preferred with him above them and the Khalif advanced him over them all. Now they were ten in number, to wit, El Ijli and Er Recashi and Ibdan and Hassan el Feresdec and El Lauz and Es Seker and Omar et Tertis and Abou Nuwas and Abou Ishac en Nedim and Aboulhusn el Khelia, and by each of them hangeth a story that is told in other than this book. And indeed Aboulhusn became high in honour with the Khalif and favoured above all, so that he sat with him and the Lady Zubeideh bint el Casim and married the latter’s treasuress, whose name was Nuzhet el Fuad.

  Aboulhusn abode with his wife in eating and drinking and all delight of life, till all that was with them was spent, when he said to her, “Harkye, O Nuzhet el Fuad!” “At thy service,” answered she, and he said, “I have it in mind to play a trick on the Khalif and thou shalt do the like with the Lady Zubeideh, and we will take of them, in a twinkling, two hundred dinars and two pieces of silk.” “As thou wilt,” answered she; “but what thinkest thou to do?” And he said,”We will feign ourselves dead and this is the trick. I will die before thee and lay myself out, and do thou spread over me a kerchief of silk and loose [the muslin of] my turban over me and tie my toes and lay on my heart a knife, and a little salt. Then let down thy hair and betake thyself to thy mistress Zubeideh, tearing thy dress and buffeting thy face and crying out. She will say to thee, ‘What aileth thee?’ and do thou answer her, saying, ‘May thy head outlive Aboulhusn el Khelia! For he is dead.” She will mourn for me and weep and bid her treasuress give thee a hundred dinars and a piece of silk and will say to thee, ‘Go lay him out and carry him forth [to burial].’ So do thou take of her the hundred dinars and the piece of silk and come back, and when thou returnest to me, I will rise up and thou shalt lie down in my place, and I will go to the Khalif and say to him, ‘May thy head outlive Nuzhet el Fuad!’ and tear my dress and pluck at my beard. He will mourn for thee and say to his treasurer, ‘Give Aboulhusn a hundred dinars and a piece of silk.’ Then he will say to me, ‘Go; lay her out and carry her forth;’ and I will come back to thee.”