One Thousand and One Nights

by Richard Burton

  When the company heard this story, they marvelled thereat with the utmost wonderment. Then the fifth officer, who was the lieutenant of the bench, came forward and said, ‘[This is] no wonder and there befell me that which is rarer and more extraordinary than this.

  John Payne’s translation: detailed table of contents

  THE FIFTH OFFICER’S STORY.

  As I sat one day at the door of the prefecture, a woman entered and said to me privily, “O my lord, I am the wife of such an one the physician, and with him is a company of the notables of the city, drinking wine in such a place.” When I heard this, I misliked to make a scandal; so I rebuffed her and sent her away. Then I arose and went alone to the place in question and sat without till the door opened, when I rushed in and entering, found the company engaged as the woman had set out, and she herself with them. I saluted them and they returned my greeting and rising, entreated me with honour and seated me and brought me to eat. Then I informed them how one had denounced them to me, but I had driven him away and come to them by myself; wherefore they thanked me and praised me for my goodness. Then they brought out to me from among them two thousand dirhems and I took them and went away.

  Two months after this occurrence, there came to me one of the Cadi’s officers, with a scroll, wherein was the magistrate’s writ, summoning me to him. So I accompanied the officer and went in to the Cadi, whereupon the plaintiff, to wit, he who had taken out the summons, sued me for two thousand dirhems, avouching that I had borrowed them of him as the woman’s agent. I denied the debt, but he produced against me a bond for the amount, attested by four of those who were in company [on the occasion]; and they were present and bore witness to the loan. So I reminded them of my kindness and paid the amount, swearing that I would never again follow a woman’s counsel. Is not this marvellous?’

  The company marvelled at the goodliness of his story and it pleased El Melik ez Zahir; and the prefect said, ‘By Allah, this story is extraordinary!’ Then came forward the sixth officer and said to the company, ‘Hear my story and that which befell me, to wit, that which befell such an one the assessor, for it is rarer than this and stranger.

  John Payne’s translation: detailed table of contents

  THE SIXTH OFFICER’S STORY.

  A certain assessor was one day taken with a woman and much people assembled before his house and the lieutenant of police and his men came to him and knocked at the door. The assessor looked out of window and seeing the folk, said, “What aileth you?” Quoth they, “[Come,] speak with the lieutenant of police such an one.” So he came down and they said to him, “Bring forth the woman that is with thee.” Quoth he, “Are ye not ashamed? How shall I bring forth my wife?” And they said, “Is she thy wife by contract or without contract?” [“By contract,”] answered he, “according to the Book of God and the Institutes of His Apostle.” “Where is the contract?” asked they; and he replied, “Her contract is in her mother’s house.” Quoth they, “Arise and come down and show us the contract.” And he said to them, “Go from her way, so she may come forth.” Now, as soon as he got wind of the matter, he had written the contract and fashioned it after her fashion, to suit with the case, and written therein the names of certain of his friends as witnesses and forged the signatures of the drawer and the wife’s next friend and made it a contract of marriage with his wife and appointed it for an excuse. So, when the woman was about to go out from him, he gave her the contract that be had forged, and the Amir sent with her a servant of his, to bring her to her father. So the servant went with her and when she came to her door, she said to him, “I will not return to the citation of the Amir; but let the witnesses present themselves and take my contract.”

  Accordingly, the servant carried this message to the lieutenant of police, who was standing at the assessor’s door, and he said, “This is reasonable.” Then said [the assessor] to the servant, “Harkye, O eunuch! Go and fetch us such an one the notary;” for that he was his friend [and it was he whose name he had forged as the drawer-up of the contract]. So the lieutenant of police sent after him and fetched him to the assessor, who, when he saw him, said to him, “Get thee to such an one, her with whom thou marriedst me, and cry out upon her, and when she cometh to thee, demand of her the contract and take it from her and bring it to us.” And he signed to him, as who should say, “Bear me out in the lie and screen me, for that she is a strange woman and I am in fear of the lieutenant of police who standeth at the door; and we beseech God the Most High to screen us and you from the trouble of this world. Amen.”

  So the notary went up to the lieutenant, who was among the witnesses, and said “It is well. Is she not such an one whose marriage contract we drew up in such a place?” Then he betook himself to the woman’s house and cried out upon her; whereupon she brought him the [forged] contract and he took it and returned with it to the lieutenant of police. When the latter had taken cognizance [of the document and professed himself satisfied, the assessor] said [to the notary,] “Go to our lord and master, the Cadi of the Cadis, and acquaint him with that which befalleth his assessors.” The notary rose to go, but the lieutenant of police feared [for himself] and was profuse in beseeching the assessor and kissing his hands, till he forgave him; whereupon the lieutenant went away in the utterest of concern and affright. On this wise the assessor ordered the case and carried out the forgery and feigned marriage with the woman; [and thus was calamity warded off from him] by the excellence of his contrivance.”

  The folk marvelled at this story with the utmost wonderment and the seventh officer said, ‘There befell me in Alexandria the [God-]guarded a marvellous thing, [and it was that one told me the following story].

  John Payne’s translation: detailed table of contents

  THE SEVENTH OFFICER’S STORY.

  There came one day an old woman [to the stuff-market], with a casket of precious workmanship, containing trinkets, and she was accompanied by a damsel great with child. The old woman sat down at the shop of a draper and giving him to know that the damsel was with child by the prefect of police of the city, took of him, on credit, stuffs to the value of a thousand dinars and deposited with him the casket as security. [She opened the casket and] showed him that which was therein; and he found it full of trinkets [apparently] of price; [so he trusted her with the goods] and she took leave of him and carrying the stuffs to the damsel, who was with her, [went her way]. Then the old woman was absent from him a great while, and when her absence was prolonged, the draper despaired of her; so he went up to the prefect’s house and enquired of the woman of his household, [who had taken his stuffs on credit;] but could get no tidings of her nor lit on aught of her trace.

  Then he brought out the casket of jewellery [and showed it to an expert,] who told him that the trinkets were gilt and that their worth was but an hundred dirhems. When he heard this, he was sore concerned thereat and presenting himself before the Sultan’s deputy, made his complaint to him; whereupon the latter knew that a trick had been put off upon him and that the folk had cozened him and gotten the better of him and taken his stuffs. Now the magistrate in question was a man of good counsel and judgment, well versed in affairs; so he said to the draper, “Remove somewhat from thy shop, [and amongst the rest the casket,] and on the morrow break the lock and cry out and come to me and complain that they have plundered all thy shop. Moreover, do thou call [upon God for succour] and cry aloud and acquaint the folk, so that all the people may resort to thee and see the breach of the lock and that which is missing from thy shop; and do thou show it to every one who presenteth himself, so the news may be noised abroad, and tell them that thy chief concern is for a casket of great value, deposited with thee by a great man of the town and that thou standest in fear of him. But be thou not afraid and still say in thy converse, ‘My casket belonged to such an one, and I fear him and dare not bespeak him; but you, O company and all ye who are present, I call you to witness of this for me.’ And if there be with thee more than this talk, [say it;]
and the old woman will come to thee.”

  The draper answered with “Hearkening and obedience” and going forth from the deputy’s presence, betook himself to his shop and brought out thence [the casket and] somewhat considerable, which he removed to his house. At break of day he arose and going to his shop, broke the lock and cried out and shrieked and called [on God for help,] till the folk assembled about him and all who were in the city were present, whereupon he cried out to them, saying even as the prefect had bidden him; and this was bruited abroad. Then he made for the prefecture and presenting himself before the chief of the police, cried out and complained and made a show of distraction.

  After three days, the old woman came to him and bringing him the [thousand dinars, the] price of the stuffs, demanded the casket. When he saw her, he laid hold of her and carried her to the prefect of the city; and when she came before the Cadi, he said to her, “O Sataness, did not thy first deed suffice thee, but thou must come a second time?” Quoth she, “I am of those who seek their salvation in the cities, and we foregather every month; and yesterday we foregathered.” “Canst thou [bring me to] lay hold of them?” asked the prefect; and she answered, “Yes; but, if thou wait till to-morrow, they will have dispersed. So I will deliver them to thee to-night.” Quoth he to her, “Go;” and she said, “Send with me one who shall go with me to them and obey me in that which I shall say to him, and all that I bid him he shall give ear unto and obey me therein.” So he gave her a company of men and she took them and bringing them to a certain door, said to them, “Stand at this door, and whoso cometh out to you, lay hands on him; and I will come out to you last of all.” “Hearkening and obedience,” answered they and stood at the door, whilst the old woman went in. They waited a long while, even as the Sultan’s deputy had bidden them, but none came out to them and their standing was prolonged. When they were weary of waiting, they went up to the door and smote upon it heavily and violently, so that they came nigh to break the lock. Then one of them entered and was absent a long while, but found nought; so he returned to his comrades and said to them,”This is the door of a passage, leading to such a street; and indeed she laughed at you and left you and went away.”When they heard his words, they returned to the Amir and acquainted him with the case, whereby he knew that the old woman was a crafty trickstress and that she had laughed at them and cozened them and put a cheat on them, to save herself. Consider, then, the cunning of this woman and that which she contrived of wiles, for all her lack of foresight in presenting herself [a second time] to the draper and not apprehending that his conduct was but a trick; yet, when she found herself in danger, she straightway devised a shift for her deliverance.’

  When the company heard the seventh officer’s story, they were moved to exceeding mirth, and El Melik ez Zahir Bibers rejoiced in that which he heard and said, ‘By Allah, there betide things in this world, from which kings are shut out, by reason of their exalted station!” Then came forward another man from amongst the company and said, ‘There hath reached me from one of my friends another story bearing on the malice of women and their craft, and it is rarer and more extraordinary and more diverting than all that hath been told to you.”

  Quoth the company, ‘Tell us thy story and expound it unto us, so we may see that which it hath of extraordinary.’ And he said ‘Know, then, that

  John Payne’s translation: detailed table of contents

  THE EIGHTH OFFICER’S STORY.

  A friend of mine once invited me to an entertainment; so I went with him, and when we came into his house and sat down on his couch, he said to me, “This is a blessed day and a day of gladness, and [blessed is] he who liveth to [see] the like of this day. I desire that thou practise with us and deny us not, for that thou hast been used to hearken unto those who occupy themselves with this.” I fell in with this and their talk happened upon the like of this subject. Presently, my friend, who had invited me, arose from among them and said to them, “Hearken to me and I will tell you of an adventure that happened to me. There was a certain man who used to visit me in my shop, and I knew him not nor he me, nor ever in his life had he seen me; but he was wont, whenever he had need of a dirhem or two, by way of loan, to come to me and ask me, without acquaintance or intermediary between me and him, [and I would give him what he sought]. I told none of him, and matters abode thus between us a long while, till he fell to borrowing ten at twenty dirhems [at a time], more or less.

  One day, as I stood in my shop, there came up to me a woman and stopped before me; and she as she were the full moon rising from among the stars, and the place was illumined by her light. When I saw her, I fixed my eyes on her and stared in her face; and she bespoke me with soft speech. When I heard her words and the sweetness of her speech, I lusted after her; and when she saw that I lusted after her, she did her occasion and promising me [to come again], went away, leaving my mind occupied with her and fire kindled in my heart. Then I abode, perplexed and pondering my affair, whilst fire flamed in my heart, till the third day, when she came again and I scarce credited her coming. When I saw her, I talked with her and cajoled her and courted her and strove to win her favour with speech and invited her [to my house]; but she answered, saying, ‘I will not go up into any one’s house.’ Quoth I, ‘I will go with thee;’ and she said, ‘Arise and come with me.’

  So I arose and putting in my sleeve a handkerchief, wherein was a good sum of money, followed the woman, who went on before me and gave not over walking till she brought me to a by-street and to a door, which she bade me open. I refused and she opened it and brought me into the vestibule. As soon as I had entered, she locked the door of entrance from within and said to me, ‘Sit [here] till I go in to the slave-girls and cause them enter a place where they shall not see me.’ ‘It is well,’ answered I and sat down; whereupon she entered and was absent from me a moment, after which she returned to me, without a veil, and said, ‘Arise, [enter,] in the name of God.’ So I arose and went in after her and we gave not over going till we entered a saloon. When I examined the place, I found it neither handsome nor agreeable, but unseemly and desolate, without symmetry or cleanliness; nay, it was loathly to look upon and there was a foul smell in it.

  I seated myself amiddleward the saloon, misdoubting, and as I sat, there came down on me from the estrade seven naked men, without other clothing than leather girdles about their waists. One of them came up to me and took my turban, whilst another took my handkerchief, that was in my sleeve, with my money, and a third stripped me of my clothes; after which a fourth came and bound my hands behind me with his girdle. Then they all took me up, pinioned as I was, and casting me down, fell a-dragging me towards a sink-hole that was there and were about to cut my throat, when, behold, there came a violent knocking at the door. When they heard this, they were afraid and their minds were diverted from me by fear; so the woman went out and presently returning, said to them, ‘Fear not; no harm shall betide you this day. It is only your comrade who hath brought you your noon-meal.’ With this the new-comer entered, bringing with him a roasted lamb; and when he came in to them, he said to them, ‘What is to do with you, that ye have tucked up [your sleeves and trousers]?’ Quoth they, ‘[This is] a piece of game we have caught.’

  When he heard this, he came up to me and looking in my face, cried out and said, ‘By Allah, this is my brother, the son of my mother and father! Allah! Allah!’ Then he loosed me from my bonds and kissed my head, and behold it was my friend who used to borrow money of me. When I kissed his head, he kissed mine and said, ‘O my brother, be not affrighted.’ Then he called for my clothes [and money and restored to me all that had been taken from me] nor was aught missing to me. Moreover, he brought me a bowl full of [sherbet of] sugar, with lemons therein, and gave me to drink thereof; and the company came and seated me at a table. So I ate with them and he said to me, ‘O my lord and my brother, now have bread and salt passed between us and thou hast discovered our secret and [become acquainted with] our case; but secrets [are saf
e] with the noble.’ Quoth I, ‘As I am a lawfully-begotten child, I will not name aught [of this] neither denounce [you!*]’ And they assured themselves of me by an oath. Then they brought me out and I went my way, scarce crediting but that I was of the dead.

  I abode in my house, ill, a whole month; after which I went to the bath and coming out, opened my shop [and sat selling and buying as usual], but saw no more of the man or the woman, till, one day, there stopped before my shop a young man, [a Turcoman], as he were the full moon; and he was a sheep-merchant and had with him a bag, wherein was money, the price of sheep that he had sold. He was followed by the woman, and when he stopped at my shop, she stood by his side and cajoled him, and indeed he inclined to her with a great inclination. As for me, I was consumed with solicitude for him and fell to casting furtive glances at him and winked at him, till he chanced to look round and saw me winking at him; whereupon the woman looked at me and made a sign with her hand and went away. The Turcoman followed her and I counted him dead, without recourse; wherefore I feared with an exceeding fear and shut my shop. Then I journeyed for a year’s space and returning, opened my shop; whereupon, behold, the woman came up to me and said, ‘This is none other than a great absence.’ Quoth I, ‘I have been on a journey;’ and she said, ‘Why didst thou wink at the Turcoman?’ ‘God forbid!’ answered I. ‘I did not wink at him.’ Quoth she, ‘Beware lest thou cross me;’ and went away.