One Thousand and One Nights

by Richard Burton

  The Three Hundred and Eighty-ninth Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Kazi’s wife came up to him and passing her palm over his paunch presently cried, “Extolled be He, O my lord: verily thou art pregnant and a babe is in thy belly.” Quoth the Kazi, “How shall a man bear a child?” and quoth she, “Allah createth whatso He willeth.” And as they two sat at talk the flatulence and belly- ache increased and violent colic214 set in and the torments waxed still more torturing. Then the wife rose up and disappeared but presently she returned with her pauper neighbour’s newly-born babe in her sleeve, its mother accompanying it: she also brought a large basin of copper and she found her husband rolling from right to left and crying aloud in his agony. At last the qualms215 in his stomach were ready to burst forth and the rich food to issue from his body, and when this delivery was near hand the wife privily set the basin under him like a close stool and fell to calling upon the Holy Names and to shampooing and rubbing down his skin while she ejaculated, “The name of Allah be upon thee!”216 But all this was of her malice. At last the prima via opened and the Kazi let fly, whereat his wife came quickly behind and setting the babe upon its back gently pinched it so that it began to wail, and said, “O man, Alhamdolillah,? laud to the Lord, who hath so utterly relieved thee of thy burthen,” and she fell to muttering Names over the newborn. Then quoth he, “Have a care of the little one and keep it from cold draughts;” for the trick had taken completely with the Kazi and he said in his mind, “Allah createth whatso He willeth: even men if so predestined can bring forth.” And presently he added, “O woman, look out for a wet nurse to suckle him;” and she replied, “O my lord, the nurse is with me in the women’s apartments.” Then having sent away the babe and its mother she came up to the Kazi and washed him and removed the basin from under him and made him lie at full length. Presently after taking thought he said, “O woman, be careful to keep this matter private for fear of the folk who otherwise might say, ‘Our Kazi hath borne a babe.’ “ She replied, “O my lord, as the affair is known to other than our two selves how can we manage to conceal it?” and after she resumed, “O my husband, this business can on no wise be hidden from the people for more than a week or at most till next month.” Herewith he cried out, “O my calamity; if it reach the ears of folk and they say, ‘Our Kazi hath borne a babe,’ then what shall we do?” He pondered the matter until morning when he rose before daylight and, taking some provaunt secretly, made ready to depart the city, saying, “O Allah, suffer none to see me!” Then, after giving his wife charge of the house and bidding her take care of his effects and farewelling her, he went forth secretly from her and journeyed that day and a second and a third until the seventh, when he entered Damascus of Syria where none knew him. But he had no spending money for he could not persuade himself to take even a single dinar from his hoard and he had provided himself with naught save the meagrest provision. So his condition was straitened and he was compelled to sell somewhat of his clothes and lay out the price upon his urgent needs; and when the coin was finished he was forced to part with other portions of his dress till little or nothing of it remained to him. Then, in his sorest strait, he went to the Shaykh of the Masons and said to him, “O master, my wish is to serve in this industry;’’217 and said he, “Welcome to thee.” So the Kazi worked through every day for a wage of five Faddahs. Such was his case; but as regards his wife,?And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on this coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

  The Three Hundred and Ninetieth Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that when the Kazi went forth from his wife she threw a sherd218 behind him and muttered, “Allah never bring thee back from thy journey.” Then she arose and threw open the rooms and noted all that was in them of moneys and moveables and vaiselle and rarities, and she fell to feeding the hungry and clothing the naked and doling alms to Fakirs saying, “This be the reward of him who mortifieth the daughters of folk and devoureth their substance and shreddeth off their nostrils.” She also sent to the women he had married and divorced, and gave them of his good the equivalent of their dowers and a solatium for losing their noses. And every day she assembled the goodwives of the quarter and cooked for them manifold kinds of food because her spouse the Kazi was possessed of property approaching two Khaznahs219 of money, he being ever loath to expend what his hand could hend and unprepared to part with aught on any wise, for the excess of his niggardness and his greed of gain. Nor did she cease from so doing for a length of time until suddenly she overheard folk saying, “Our Kazi hath borne a babe.” And such bruit spread abroad and was reported in sundry cities, nor ceased the rumour ere it reached the ears of the Caliph Harun al-Rashid in Baghdad city. Now hearing it he marvelled and cried, “Extolled be Allah! this hap, by the Lord, never can have happened save at the hand of some woman, a wise and a clever at contrivance; nor would she have wrought after such fashion save to make public somewhat erst proceeding from the Kazi, either his covetous intent or his high-handedness in commandment. But needs must this goodwife be summoned before me and recount the cunning practice she hath practiced;?Allah grant her success in the prank she hath played upon the Judge.” Such was her case; but as concerns the Kazi, he abode working at builders’ craft till his bodily force was enfeebled and his frame became frail; so presently quoth he to himself, “Do thou return to thy native land, for a long time hath now passed and this affair is clean forgotten.” Thereupon he returned to Tarabulus, but as he drew near thereto he was met outside the city by a bevy of small boys who were playing at forfeits, and lo and behold! cried one to his comrades, “O lads, do ye remember such and such a year when our Kazi was brought to bed?”220 But the Judge hearing these words returned forthright to Damascus by the way he came, saying to himself, “Hie thee not save to Baghdad city for ’tis further away than Damascus!” and set out at once for the House of Peace. However he entered it privily, because he was still in the employ of the Prince of True Believers, Harun al-Rashid; and, changing semblance and superficials, he donned the dress of a Persian Darwaysh and fell to walking about the streets of the capital. Here met he sundry men of high degree who showed him favour, but he could not venture himself before the Caliph albe sundry of the subjects said to him, “O Darwaysh, why dost thou not appear in the presence of the Commander of the Faithful? Assuredly he would bestow upon thee many a boon, for he is a true Sultan; and, specially, an thou panegyrise him in poetry, he will largely add to his largesse.” Now by the decree of Destiny the viceregent of Allah upon His Earth had commanded the Kazi’s wife be brought from Tarabulus: so they led her into the presence and when she had kissed ground before him and salam’d to him and prayed for the perpetuity of his glory and his existence, he asked her anent her husband and how he had borne a child and what was the prank she had played him and in what manner she had gotten the better of him. She hung her head groundwards awhile for shame nor could she return aught of reply for a time, when the Commander of the Faithful said to her, “Thou hast my promise of safety and again safety, the safety of one who betrayeth not his word.” So she raised her head and cried,
“By Allah, O King of the Age, the story of this Kazi is a strange”?And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

  The Three Hundred and Ninety-first Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that quoth the Kazi’s wife, “By Allah, O King of the Age, the story of this Kazi is a strange and of the wonders of the world and ’tis as follows. My spouse is so niggardly of nature and greedy of gain that whatso wife he weddeth he starveth her with hunger and, whenas she loseth patience, he shreddeth her nostrils and putteth her away, taking all her good and what not. Now this case continued for a while of time. Also he had a black slave-wench and a fine eating-cloth and when dinner-time came he would cry, O handmaid, fetch the fringed table-cloth! whereupon she would bring it and garnish it with three biscuits and three onions, one to each mouth. Presently accounts of this conduct came to me at Mosul, whereupon I removed me to Tarábulus, and there played him many a prank amongst which was the dish of Baysar by me seasoned with an over quantity of onions and garlic and such spices as gather wind in the maw and distend it like a tom-tom and breed borborygms.221 This I gave him to eat and then befel that which befel. So I said to him, Thou art in the family way and tricked him, privily bringing into the house a new-born babe. When his belly began to drain off I set under him a large metal basin and after pinching the little one I placed it in the utensil and recited Names over it. Presently quoth he, Guard my little stranger from the draught and bring hither a wet-nurse; and I did accordingly. But he waxed ashamed of the birth and in the morning he fared forth the city nor knew we what Allah had done with him. But as he went I bespake him with the words which the poet sang when the Ass of Umm Amr222 went off:?

  Ass and Umm Amr bewent their way; * Nor Ass nor Umm Amr returned for aye,

  and then I cited the saying of another:?

  When I forced him to fare I bade him hie, * Where Umm

  Kash’am223 caused her selle to fly.”

  Now as the Caliph Harun al-Rashid heard these words he laughed so hearty a laugh that he fell backwards and bade the goodwife repeat her history till he waxed distraught for excess of merriment, when lo and behold! a Darwaysh suddenly entered the presence. The wife looked at her husband and recognised him; but the Caliph knew not his Kazi, so much had time and trouble changed the Judge’s cheer. However, she signalled to the Commander of the Faithful that the beggar was her mate and he taking the hint cried out, “Welcome to thee, O Darwaysh, and where be the babe thou barest at Tarabulus?” The unfortunate replied, “O King of the Age, do men go with child?” and the Prince of True Believers rejoined, “We heard that the Kazi bare a babe and thou art that same Kazi now habited in Fakir’s habit. But who may be this woman thou seest?” He made answer “I wot not;” but the dame exclaimed, “Why this denial, O thou who fearest Allah so little? I conjure thee by the life of the King to recount in his presence all that betided thee.” He could deny it no longer so he told his tale before the Caliph, who laughed at him aloud; and at each adventure the King cried out, “Allah spare thee and thy child, O Kazi!” Thereupon the Judge explained saying, “Pardon, O King of the Age, I merit even more than what hath betided me.”?And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

  The Three Hundred and Ninety-second Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that quoth the Kazi to the King, “I deserve even more than what hath betided me for my deeds were unrighteous, O Ruler of the Time. But now the twain of us be present between thy hands; so do thou, of thy generous grace and the perfection of thy beneficence, deign reconcile me unto my wife and from this moment forwards I repent before the face of Allah nor will I ever return to the condition I was in of niggardise and greed of gain. But ’tis for her to decide and on whatever wise she direct me to act, therein will I not gainsay her; and do thou vouchsafe to me the further favour of restoring me to the office I whilome held.” When the Prince of True Believers, Harun al-Rashid, heard the Kazi’s words he turned to the Judge’s wife and said, “Thou also hast heard what thy mate hath averred: so do thou become to him what thou wast before and thou hast command over all which thy husband requireth.” She replied, “O King of the Age, even as thou hast the advantage of knowing, verily the Heavens and the son of Adam change not; for that man’s nature is never altered except with his existence nor doth it depart from him save when his life departeth. However, an he speak the truth let him bind himself by a deed documented under thy personal inspection and thine own seal; so that if he break his covenant the case may be committed to thee.” The Caliph rejoined, “Sooth thou sayest that the nature of Adam’s son is allied to his existence;” but the Kazi exclaimed, “O our lord the Sultan, bid write for me the writ even as thou hast heard from her mouth and do thou deign witness it between us twain.” Thereupon the King reconciled their differences and allotted to them a livelihood which would suffice and sent them both back to Tarabulus-town. This is all that hath come down to us concerning the Kazi who bare a babe: yet ’tis as naught compared with the tale of the Bhang-eaters, for their story is wondrous and their adventures delectable and marvellous. “What may it be?” asked Shahryar; so Shahrazad began to recount

  Richard Francis Burton’s translation: detailed table of contents

  THE TALE OF THE KAZI AND THE BHANG-EATER.224

  There was a certain eater of Bhang?And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the King suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

  The Three Hundred and Ninety-third Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that there was a certain eater of Bhang whose wont it was every day to buy three Faddahs’ worth of hemp and he would eat one third thereof in the morning and a second at noon and the rest about sundown. He was by calling a fisherman; and regularly as dawn appeared he would take hook and line and go down to the river a-fishing; then he would sell of his catch a portion, expending half a Faddah on bread and eat this with the remaining part of the fish broiled. He would also provide himself day by day with a waxen taper and light it in his cell and sit before it, taking his pleasure and talking to himself after his large dose of Bhang. In such condition he abode a while of time until one fine spring-night, about the middle of the month when the moon was shining sheeniest, he sat down to bespeak himself and s
aid, “Ho, Such-an-one! hie thee forth and solace thy soul with looking at the world, for this be a time when none will espy thee and the winds are still.” Herewith he went forth intending for the river; but as soon as he issued from his cell-door and trod upon the square, he beheld the moonbeams bestrown upon the surface and, for the excess of his Bhang, his Fancy said to him, “By Allah, soothly the stream floweth strong and therein needs must be much store of fish. Return, O Such-an-one, to thy cell, bring hook and line and cast them into these waters; haply Allah our Lord shall vouchsafe thee somewhat of fish, for men say that by night the fisherwight on mighty fine work shall alight.” He presently brought out his gear and, having baited the hook, made a cast into the moonlit square, taking station in the shadow of the walls where he believed the river bank to be. Then he bobbed225 with his hook and line and kept gazing at the waters, when behold! a big dog sniffed the bait and coming up to it swallowed the hook till it stuck in his gullet.226 The beast feeling it prick his throttle yelped with pain and made more noise every minute, rushing about to the right and the left: so the line was shaken in the man’s hand and he drew it in, but by so doing the hook pierced deeper and the brute howled all the louder; and it was pull Bhang-eater and pull cur. But the man dared not draw near the moonlight, holding it to be the river, so he tucked up his gown to his hip-bones, and as the dog pulled more lustily he said in his mind, “By Allah this must be a mighty big fish and I believe it to be a ravenous.”227 Then he gripped the line firmly and haled it in but the dog had the better of him and dragged him to the very marge of the moonlight; so the fisherman waxed afraid and began to cry, “Alack! Alack! Alack!228 To my rescue ye braves!229 Help me for a monster of the deep would drown me! Yállah, hurry ye, my fine fellows, hasten to my aid!” Now at that hour people were enjoying the sweets of sleep and when they heard these unseasonable outcries they flocked about him from every side and accosting him asked, “What is it? What maketh thee cry aloud at such an hour? What hath befallen thee?” He answered, “Save me, otherwise a river-monster will cause me fall into the stream and be drowned.” Then, finding him tucked up to the hips, the folk approached him and enquired, “Where is the stream of which thou speakest?” and he replied, “Yonder’s the river; be ye all blind?” Thereat they understood that he spoke of the moonbeams, whose sheen was dispread upon earth, deeming it a river-surface, and they told him this; but he would not credit them and cried, “So ye also desire to drown me; be off from me! our Lord will send me other than you to lend me good aid at this hour of need.” They replied, “O well-born one, this be moonshine;” but he rejoined, “Away from me, ye low fellows,230 ye dogs!” They derided him and the angrier he grew the more they laughed, till at last they said one to other, “Let us leave him and wend our ways,” and they quitted him in such condition?And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her Sister Dunyazad, “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was