One Thousand and One Nights

by Richard Burton

  The Three Hundred and Ninety-fourth Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the folk who flocked to the assistance of the Bhang-eater left him in such condition, he crying aloud in affright, the dog being now before him in a phrenzy of pain for the hook sticking in his gullet and being unable to rid himself of it, while the man dreaded to draw near the moonshine, still deeming (albeit he stood upon terra firma) that he was about to step into the stream. So he hugged the wall shadow which to him represented the river-bank. In this case he continued until day brake and light shone and the to-ing and fro-ing of the folk increased; withal he remained as he was, crying out for affright lest he be drowned. Suddenly a Kazi rode by him and seeing him with gown kilted up and the hound hanging on to the hook, asked, “What may be the matter with thee, O man?” He answered saying, “O my lord, I dread lest I be drowned in this stream, whither a monster of the deep is a-dragging me.” The judge looked at him and knew him for a Bhang-eater, so he dismounted from his monture and cried to one of his attendants, “Catch hold of yon dog and unhook him!” Now this Kazi was also one who was wont to use Hashísh; so quoth he to himself, “By Allah, take this fellow with thee and feed him in thy house and make a mocking-stock of him; and, as each night cometh on do thou and he eat together a portion of the drug and enjoy each other’s company.” Accordingly he took him and carrying him to his quarters seated him in a private stead until nightfall when the twain met and supped together; then they swallowed a large dose of Bhang and they lit candles and sat in their light to enjoy themselves.231 Presently from excess of the drug they became as men Jinn-mad, uttering words which befit not to intend or to indite,232 amongst which were a saying of the Bhang-eater to the Kazi, “By Allah, at this season I’m as great as the King;” and the Judge’s reply, “And I also at such time am as great as the Basha, the Governor.” Thereupon quoth to him the Bhang-eater, “I’m high above thee and if the King would cut off the Governor’s head what would happen to hinder him?” And quoth the Kazi, “Yea, verily; naught would hinder him; but ’tis the customs of Kings to appoint unto Governors a place wherein they may deal commandment.” Then they fell to debating the affairs of the Government and the Sultanate, when by decree of the Decreer the Sultan of the city went forth his palace that very night, accompanied by the Wazir (and the twain in disguise); and they ceased not traversing the town till they reached the house wherein sat the Bhang-eater and the Kazi. So they stood at the door and hear their talk from first to last when the King turned to the Minister and asked, “What shall we do with these two fellows?” “Be patient, O King of the Age,” answered the Wazir, “until they make an end of their talk, after which whatso thou wilt do with them that will they deserve.” “True indeed,”233 quoth the ruler, “nevertheless, instead of standing here let us go in to them.” Now that night the boon-companions had left the door open forgetting to padlock it; so the visitors entered and salam’d to them and they returned the greeting and rose to them and bade them be seated. Accordingly they sat down and the Sultan said to the Bhang-eater, “O man, fearest thou not aught from the Sovran, thou and thy friend; and are ye sitting up until this hour?” He replied, “The Sultan himself often fareth forth at such untimely time, and as he is a King even so am I, and yonder man is my Basha: moreover, if the ruler think to make japery of us, we are his equals and more.” Thereupon the Sultan turned to his Wazir and said by signals, “I purpose to strike off the heads of these fellows;” and said the Minister in the same way, “O King, needs must they have a story, for no man with his wits in his head would have uttered such utterance. But patience were our bestest plan.” Then cried the Bhang-eater to the Sultan, “O man, whenever we say a syllable, thou signallest to thine associate. What is it thou wouldst notify to him and we not understanding it? By Allah, unless thou sit respectfully in our presence we will bid our Basha strike off thy pate!”?And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

  The Three Hundred and Ninety-fifth Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that when the Sultan heard the Bhang-eater’s words he waxed the more furious and would have arisen and struck off his head; but the Wazir winked at him and whispered, “O King of the Age, I and thou are in disguise and these men imagine that we are of the commons: so be thou pitiful even as Almighty Allah is pitiful and willeth not the punishment of the sinner. Furthermore, I conceive that the twain are eaters of Hashísh, which drug when swallowed by man, garreth him prattle of whatso he pleaseth and chooseth, making him now a Sultan then a Wazir and then a merchant, the while it seemeth to him that the world is in the hollow of his hand.” Quoth the Sultan, “And what may be thy description of Hashísh?” and quoth the Wazir, “’Tis composed of hemp leaflets, whereto they add aromatic roots and somewhat of sugar: then they cook it and prepare a kind of confection which they eat;234 but whoso eateth it (especially an he eat more than enough), talketh of matters which reason may on no wise represent. If thou wouldst know its secret properties, on the coming night (Inshallah!) we will bring some with us and administer it to these two men; and when they eat it the dose will be in addition to their ordinary.” After this the Sultan left them and went forth, when the Bhang-eater said to the Kazi, “By Allah, this night we have enjoyed ourselves and next night (if Allah please!) we will enjoy ourselves yet more.” The other replied, “Yes, but I fear from the Sultan, lest he learn our practice and cut off our heads.” “Who shall bring the Sovran to us?” asked the other: “he is in his palace and we are in our own place; and, granting he come, I will divert him by recounting an adventure which befel me.” The Kazi answered, “Have no dread of the Sultan; for he may not fare forth a-nights single-handed; nay, what while he issueth forth he must be escorted by his high officials.” Now when the next night fell, the Kazi brought the Hashish which he divided into two halves, eating one himself and giving the other to his companion; and both swallowed their portions after supper and then lit the waxen tapers and sat down to take their pleasure.235 Suddenly the Sultan and his Wazir came in upon them during the height of their enjoyment, and the visitors were habited in dress other than before, and they brought with them a quantity of Bhang-confection and also some conserve of roses: so they handed a portion of the first to the revellers, which these accepted and ate, while they themselves swallowed the conserve, the others supposing it to be Hashish like what they had eaten. Now when they had taken an overdose, they got into a hurly-burly of words and fell to saying things which can neither be intended nor indited, and amongst these they exclaimed, “By Allah, the Sultan is desposed and we will rule in his stead and deal commandment to his reign.” The other enquired, “And if the Sultan summon us what wilt thou say to him?” “By Allah, I will tell him a tale which befel myself and crave of him ten Faddahs wherewithal to buy Bhang!” “And hast thou any skill in tale-telling?” “In good sooth I have!” “But how wilt thou despose the Sultan and reign in his stead?” “I will say to him ‘Be off!’ and he will go.” “He will strike thy neck.” “Nay, the Sultan is pitiful and will not punish me for my words.” So saying the Bhang-eater arose and loosed
the inkle of his bag-trowsers, then approaching the Sultan he drew forth his prickle and proceeded to bepiss him:236 but the King took flight as the other faced him, and fled before him, he pursuing.?And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased saying her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet and tasteful is thy tale, O sister mine, and enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

  The Three Hundred and Ninety-sixth Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the Bhang-eater holding up his bag-trowsers ran after the Sultan purposing to bepiss him and caught up the fugitive at the doorway when he fell over the threshold and began a-piddling upon his own clothes. In like manner the Kazi attempted to bepiss the Wazir and ran after him to the entrance, where he also fell upon the Bhang-eater and took to making water over him. So the Bhang-eater and the Kazi lay each bewraying other, and the Sultan and the Wazir stood laughing at then and saying, “By Allah, too much Hashish injureth man’s wits;” and presently they left and went their ways returning to their palaces. But the two drunkards ceased not lying in their own water till day broke; and when the fumes of the drug had left heir brains, they arose and found themselves dripping and befouled with their own filth. Thereupon each said to other, “What be this cross hath betided us?” Presently they arose and washed themselves and their clothes; then sitting down together they said, “None did this deed by us save and except the two fellows who were with us; and who knoweth what they were, or citizens of this city or strangers; for ’twas they brought the intoxicant which we ate and it bred a madness in our brains. Verily ’twas they did the mischief; but, an they come to us a third time, needs must we be instant with them and learn from them an they be foreigners or folk of this city: we will force them to confess, but if they hide them from us we will turn them out.” On the next night they met again and the two sat down and ate a quantity of Hashish after they had supped: and they lit the waxen tapers and each of them drank a cup of coffee.237 Presently their heads whirled round under the drug and they sat down to talk and enjoy themselves when their drunkenness said to them, “Up with you and dance.” Accordingly they arose and danced, when behold, the Sultan and his Wazir suddenly came in upon them and salam’d to them: so they returned the salutation but continued the saltation. The new comers considered them in this condition and forthwith the King turned to the Minister and said, “What shall we do with them?” Said the other, “Patience until their case come to end in somewhat whereof we can lay hold.” Then they chose seats for themselves and solaced them with the spectacle, and the dancers kept on dancing until they were tired and were compelled to sit down and take their rest. Presently the Bhang-eater looked at the Sultan and exclaimed, “You, whence are you?” and he replied, “We be foreigner folk and never visited this city before that night when we met you; and as we heard you making merry we entered to partake of your merriment.” On this wise the device recoiled upon the Bhang-eater and presently the King asked them, saying, “Fear ye not lest the Sultan hear of you, and ye in this condition which would cause your disgrace at his hands?” The Bhang-eater answered, “The Sultan! What tidings of us can he have? He is in the royal Palace and we in our place of Bhang-eating.” The Sovran rejoined, “Why not go to him! Belike he will gift you and largesse you;” but the Bhang-eater retorted, “We fear his people lest they drive us away.” Whereto quoth the King, “They will not do on such wise and if thou require it we will write thee a note to his address, for we know him of old inasmuch as both of us learned to read in the same school.” “Write thy writ,” quoth the other to the Sultan who after inditing it and sealing it placed it in their hands and presently the two visitors departed. Then the Bhang-eater and the Kazi sat together through the night until daylight did appear when the fumes of the Hashish had fled their brains and the weather waxed fine and clear. So they said, each to other, “Let us go to the Sultan,” and the twain set out together and walked till they reached the square facing the Palace. Here, finding a crowd of folk, they went up to the door and the Bhang-eater drew forth his letter and handed it to one of the Sultan’s suite, who on reading it fell to the ground and presently rising placed it upon his head.?And Shahrazad was surprised by the dawn of day and fell silent and ceased to say her permitted say. Then quoth her sister Dunyazad, “How sweet is thy story, O sister mine, and how enjoyable and delectable!” Quoth she, “And where is this compared with that I would relate to you on the coming night an the Sovran suffer me to survive?” Now when it was the next night and that was

  The Three Hundred and Ninety-seventh Night,

  Dunyazad said to her, “Allah upon thee, O my sister, an thou be other than sleepy, finish for us thy tale that we may cut short the watching of this our latter night!” She replied, “With love and good will!” It hath reached me, O auspicious King, the director, the right-guiding, lord of the rede which is benefiting and of deeds fair-seeming and worthy celebrating, that the officer who took the letter caused the Bhang-eater and his comrade enter the presence, and the Sultan catching sight of them commanded them to be seated in a private stead where none other man was. His bidding was obeyed; and at noon-tide he sent them a tray of food for dinner and also coffee; and the same was done at sundown. But as soon as supper-tide came the Sultan prayed and recited sections of Holy Writ, as was his wont, until two hours had passed when he ordered the twain be summoned; and when they stood in the presence and salam’d to him and blessed him the King returned their salute and directed them to be seated. Accordingly they sat down and quoth the Sultan to the Bhang-eater, “Where be the man who gave you the writ?” Quoth the other, “O King of the Age, there were two men who came to use and said, ‘Why go ye not to the King? Belike he will gift you and largesse you.’ Our reply was, ‘We know him not and we fear lest his folk drive us away.’ So one of them said to us, ‘I will write thee a note to his address for we know him of old, inasmuch as both of us learned to read in the same school.’ Accordingly he indited it and sealed it and gave it to us; and coming hither we found his words true and now we are between his hands.” The Sultan enquired, “Was there any lack of civility to the strangers on your part?” and they replied, “None, save our questioning them and saying, ‘Whence come ye?’ whereto they rejoined, ‘We be strangers.’ Beyond this there was nothing unpleasant; nothing at all.” “Whither went they?” asked the King and the other answered, “I wot not.” The Sultan continued, “Needs must thou bring them to me for ’tis long since I saw them;” and the other remarked, “O King of the Age, if again they come to our place we will seize them and carry them before thee even perforce, but in case they come not, we have no means to hand.” Quoth the King, “An thou know them well, when thou catchest sight of them they cannot escape thee,” and quoth the other, “Yea, verily.” Then the Sultan pursued, “What did ye with the twain who came before them and ye wanted to bepiss them?” Now when the Bhang-eater heard these words his colour paled and his case changed, his limbs trembled and he suspected that the person which he had insulted was the Sultan; whereupon the King turned towards him and seeing in him signs of discomfiture asked, “What is in thy mind, O Bhang-eater? What hath befallen thee?” The other arose forthright and kissing ground cried, “Pardon, O King of the Age, before whom I have sinned.” The Sovran asked, “How didst thou know this?” and he answered, “Because none other was with us and news of us goeth not out of doors; so needs must thou have been one of the twain and he who wrote the writ was thyself; for well we know that the kings read not in schools. Thou and thy friend did come in disguise
to make merry at our expense; therefore pardon us, O King of the Age, for mercy is a quality of the noble, and Almighty Allah said, ‘Whoso pardoneth and benefitteth his reward is with Allah,’ and eke He said, ‘And the stiflers of wrath and the pardoners of mankind and Allah loveth the doers of good’.”238 Herewith the Sultan smiled and said, “No harm shall befal thee, O Bhang-eater! Thine excuse is accepted and thy default pardoned, but, O thou clever fellow, hast thou no tale to tell us?” He replied, “O King of the Age, I have a story touching myself and my wife which, were it graven with needle-gravers upon the eye-corners were a warning to whoso would be warned. But I strave against her on my own behalf, withal she overcame me and tyrannised over me by her contrivance.” “What is it?” asked the King; so the man began to relate the