Love Me

by Cristin Cooper

  “Nope. It’s our secret, kiddo.” He ruffled my hair as I turned to run outside.

  Ryan stood in front of the fort waiting for me and smiled big when he saw the pile of cookies.

  “Welcome to the club.”

  * * *

  “Ready?” Amber asked as she stepped outside.

  I zipped up my hoodie and walked with Amber toward the trail leading to the beach. Listening to the peaceful sound of the ocean, I let it calm my chaotic mind. Once we reached the beach, we slipped off our shoes, rolled up our jeans and walked to the edge where the ocean met sand. How many times had I walked this beach after a bad day? I had never enjoyed being alone, except here.

  “So, how are you, sweetie?” Amber’s soft voice wrapped around me like a hug. She had always been easy to talk to.

  “Honestly?” I shrugged my shoulders. “I don’t know. Some days are good. Some days are bad and some… I just…”

  “I know,” she murmured.

  I hooked my arm around hers. “I should be asking you that question.”

  “Honestly?” she said with a sad smile. “Some days are good. Some days are bad and some…” We both let out a soft laugh while tears streamed down our cheeks. Amber thankfully changed the subject. “How long do we get to keep you?”

  “Just a few days. I needed to get out of the city.”

  “Well, you can stay as long as you like. We miss you and love having you here plus we’re having our yearly 4th of July party and Anna’s bringing the kids.”

  “I wish I could stay that long.”

  We walked in comfortable silence for a while. I couldn’t stop thinking about last night with Travis. Tim was right. I needed to take a break from men, especially considering I still needed to get through my divorce. A divorce my family still didn’t know about.

  With everything going on with Anna, there never seemed to be a good time. It also didn’t help I had no desire to hear my mother say, “I told you so.” She had made a sport of putting Craig down and knowing she had been right only emphasized my shame and humiliation over him leaving me for another woman.

  “How’s Anna?” Amber interrupted my thoughts with the monster of all questions.

  “She’s…surviving.”

  Amber stared out in front of us and nodded.

  “I helped her go through her finances last week and gave her some advice. She’ll be okay for a while, but she needs to sell the house.”

  “I was afraid of that but she shouldn’t worry. Pete and I could help her.”

  “You know Anna. She would rather chop off her arm than take financial help from anyone. I think it’ll be good for her to do this on her own and force her to take action instead of just…exist.”

  “I hope so, but it’s hard not to worry. Ryan would’ve wanted us to help her any way we could but there’s only so much we can do, and everything else is up to her.”

  My arms tightened around Amber’s arm. I had always been jealous of Anna because she got Amber when she married Ryan. I ended up with a mother-in-law who believed her son could do no wrong and blamed me for not having grandchildren. But I didn’t need to worry about her anymore. Returning my thoughts to our conversation, I talked to Amber about what I had discussed with Anna when I went through her finances.

  “She’ll most likely have to start college sooner than she and Ryan had planned, but she’ll be okay,” I reassured even though I hoped more than knew. It had been three months, and she still had days where she didn’t get out of bed. The parents and I wanted to help her and take care of her and the kids, but I began to think we weren’t helping as much as hindering her moving forward.

  For the rest of our walk, we discussed Anna’s kids, summer plans and the to-do list she had made Pete when he told her he planned to retire.

  Once we returned to the house, Amber kept me busy with running errands and helping her and Pete in the yard. It sounded mundane and boring, but I enjoyed my time with them.

  After I had cleaned up dinner, I took a seat next to Pete. He handed me a cold beer as we lounged on the back deck listening to The Rolling Stones playing on the radio while Amber talked on the phone with my mother about Anna.

  “Kimmie, you don’t have to tell me what’s going on with you and Craig, but if you do want to talk, I’m an excellent listener.”

  This was the first time Pete had brought up Craig since the wake and considering he saw Craig leave with the blonde, I figured he had a lot of questions. I wanted to talk to someone besides Tim, so I cut to the chase. “He left me, Pete. The morning after Ryan died.” Swallowing the hurt stuck in the back of my throat I stared at my hands.

  “I’m so sorry, Kimmie.” I shrugged my shoulders and tried to make it seem like it didn’t bother me and that I was over it, but I would never be over it. Craig’s affair changed me. Trusting another man, loving another man didn’t seem possible. Making that pact with Tim had been easy for me because I wanted nothing to do with men.

  “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “Yeah. I think I do.” Pete leaned back into his chair getting comfortable, letting me know I could talk as long as I needed

  “He left me for another woman. Not only that, she’s pregnant with his child.” I blew out a deep breath to keep from crying. Saying those words out loud would never get easier.

  Pete’s hands tightened around his beer bottle, and I recognized that I want to punch someone look on his face. Ryan had used that same look plenty of times with my old boyfriends.

  “I begged and pleaded for us to have a baby. Every time I brought it up, he said he wasn’t ready, or not yet because we needed more time as a couple. I had finally stopped asking even though every year that passed, I felt more and more panicked that I would never have a family.”

  “Oh, kiddo. I didn’t realize you wanted kids. We assumed you guys decided not to have any. I’m so sorry.”

  Shaking my head, I held back the tears. “I’ve always wanted kids, but I didn’t say anything in case it never happened and now it most likely won’t.”

  Pete sat up and looked me straight in the eyes, his whole body tense. “Don’t talk like that. You still have time.”

  “I’m almost thirty-five, getting a divorce, and the likeliness of me finding someone who wants to marry me and have a family shrinks every year. I don’t see it happening.”

  “Don’t give up hope, Kimmie. Someday, you’ll meet someone who will fall madly in love with you and will want the same things as you. You’ll see, it’ll happen.”

  I loved Pete’s positive attitude. It reminded me so much of Ryan and I wanted to believe him. “Thanks, Pete.”

  He smiled just as Amber opened the sliding glass door and poked her head out. “You two want to play cards?”

  I lifted my lips in a genuine smile. “Yes.”

  Pete stood and helped me up then gave me a big hug. “Can we keep this between us for now? I’m not ready for everyone to know just yet.” He nodded and gave me an extra squeeze.

  Amber pulled the cards out of the closet while Pete made his famous hot chocolate. We sat at the table playing, talking and laughing. The moment Amber pushed up her glasses a memory popped into my head, and I laughed. “Ryan told me he used to cheat while playing cards with Amber.”

  Her jaw dropped, and she slammed her clenched fist on the table. “I knew it!” Pete and I busted up laughing at her outrage. “Did he tell you how?”

  “He said he could see the reflection of your cards in your glasses.” I laughed out. “That turkey!” Our laughs grew quiet as Amber broke down in tears. Pete pulled her onto his lap, and she laid her head against his chest as tears streamed down her face. With a shaky voice, she repeated, “I knew he cheated.” Pete wiped the tears from her eyes.

  Something about Pete and Amber made me want what they had. Their dedication and connection to each other was beautiful and something I grew up wanting for myself but never believed I could have. Only a small group of people experienced love like theirs. Rya
n and Anna came close, but I had never seen it with anyone else.

  Once I opened the door for Ryan stories, we spent the next hour taking turns laughing and crying over his antics. The moment Pete and Amber looked at one another with a knowing smile and Pete tightened his hold around Amber, I wished them good night so they could have some privacy.

  I took my time walking down the long hallway leading to the bedrooms looking at all the framed photos on the wall. Almost all of them were of Ryan, and more than half had either me or Anna or all three of us in them. Some went as far back as our toddler years to more recent.

  A picture of Ryan and me at the Fourth of July party last year caught my eye. He had his arm around me, his head leaning into mine with a big smile on his face. I remember that moment. He had just said, “I love your guts.” Then a second later, he popped a water balloon on my head. Amber’s arm wrapped around my waist as I stood in front of the picture and cried. I turned to her and let it out.

  “I know, sweetie. I know,” she repeated over and over with her calming voice as she gently ran her hand up and down my back. All my life, I thought of myself as a strong person, but at that moment I felt weak and vulnerable, and I needed to be held.

  When I finally pulled away, I thanked her for loving me. She just smiled. “Always, Kimmie. Always.”

  10

  Ten months later

  * * *

  “Mom! No. I do not want you to set me up with your friend’s recently divorced son. Please for the love of all that’s holy, don’t do it.” Not only did I not want to be set up by my mother, but I still had two months left on my no man diet. Not that I would ever tell her that.

  “Kimmie, it’s been six months since your divorce. It’s time to get back out there.” It must have driven her crazy to wait this long to set me up, and her enthusiasm made me sick to my stomach.

  “How do you know I haven’t been dating? You don’t know,” I said sounding more like a sixteen-year-old than a thirty-six-year-old. She brought out the angsty teen in me. I braced myself for her impending guilt trip as she sighed into the phone. “Why don’t you meet him before you say no? We could have dinner at our house; it would be so much fun.” I would’ve never used the word fun to describe a double date with my parents. Torture, wrong, bad idea, and crazy maybe, but not fun.

  “Mom…” I warned.

  “Fine. If you want to be alone for the rest of your life, I guess that’s your choice, but one day you’ll wish you had allowed me to set you up.”

  I banged my head against the wall and tamped down the desire to tell her off. “Mom…” I warned again. “I will never regret not letting you set me up. Ever. I promise. Ever.”

  When the phone line went silent, I drummed my fingers on the counter while I waited for her response. “Do I need to remind you of every guy you have ever dated? You have horrible taste in men.”

  I swallowed back the anger building in my chest. For her to say what I already knew just pissed me off. I didn’t need anyone telling me I had awful taste in men, and I didn’t need to hear it from my mother. “Explain to me why you fight so hard against going out with a good guy. You wouldn’t know one if he stood in front of you.”

  Enough!

  She could judge all she wanted, but I didn’t have to listen to it. Who knew better than me that I had made bad choices? My broken heart was proof that I married a man who didn’t love me back. Every tear I shed and every sleepless night belonged to me, and I refused to let her make me feel worse than I already did. “Please listen to me because I’ll only say it once. Do not set me up.”

  I could hear my mother fume on the other end of the phone. Well, guess who I learned it from? “Fine. I love you, dear,” she said sharply before hanging up. My body shivered at her frigid response but relieved she let it go at least for now.

  My divorce had finalized six months ago, and I didn’t need my mother calling to remind me that I would always be alone. Every time I went home to my empty house, I became acutely aware of the fact. Friends I had shared with Craig reminded me every time they posted pictures of Craig, his wife and their bouncing baby boy on social media.

  A mix of annoyance and an ache in my chest made me want to crawl into bed and never leave.

  As I changed out of my work clothes and put on my comfy jammies, I got excited thinking about the pizza being delivered, the wine in my fridge and the hours of reality TV shows waiting for me to watch.

  Right as the doorbell rang, my phone vibrated with a call from Tim. “Hey honey, we’re going out tonight! You don’t have a choice.”

  Opening the door for the pizza delivery boy, I placed the phone between my ear and shoulder as we exchanged pizza and money. I mouthed “thanks” to the guy as I gave Tim a less than enthusiastic response and carried the pizza to my bedroom. My bed called to me, so did the cheesy goodness I held in my hands. “But I need to get caught up on my shows,” I whined.

  “Do you hear yourself? This is an intervention, Kimmie. You haven’t hung out with us for months. Put on your sexiest dress and I’ll be by to pick you up in an hour.”

  “Tiiiiim,” I whined again, but he had already hung up. Groaning about my change of plans, I placed the pizza in the fridge. I had been thinking about pizza and wine all day especially after the crazy work week I had. Releasing a loud huff, I went to my closet and looked at my fun side of the closet. Seeing dust on the hangers, I realized it had been months since I went out. Then I thought about how excited I got over eating pizza and watching TV. Wow. Okay, so maybe he had a point and yes, it would do me good to get out of the house.

  I sighed and picked out a sexy short dress with my highest heels and carried them to the bathroom.

  Standing on the Karaoke stage waiting for Tim to pick a song for me to sing, I bit my lip and took deep breaths hoping I wouldn’t embarrass myself more than usual. When the song came onto the screen, I rolled my eyes. Muttering under my breath, I warned, “You’re so going to regret this,” while keeping a smile on my face. Tim laughed as he sat at the table right in front of me with four of our friends.

  Not feeling tipsy enough to be singing karaoke, I picked up the microphone and flashed a smile. “This is for all the Queens in my life.” Tim clapped his hands and let out a loud guffaw. Our friends stood and drunkenly cheered, egging me on. They had been drinking a good hour before we got there and were already drunk when we started taking turns singing.

  I winked and cocked my finger gun at them, then proceeded to butcher Queens, Somebody to Love, but I did it with enthusiasm. When I finished, I bowed and savored the loud applause and the whistling even though I knew better. I sucked at singing. Tim had tears running down his face as he tried to catch his breath. The jerk.

  Pointing to him, I waved him up to the stage. “You asked for it,” I said with a sinister laugh. His eyes went big when his song popped up.

  “I hate you. I seriously hate you,” he said while shaking his head.

  After hopping off the stage, I gave my friends high fives then turned toward the bar to get a drink. My laugh died when my eyes caught sight of a man watching me with a sexy as sin smile. They were my favorite kind. Or at least they used to be…before.

  Not bothering to use my self-control, I returned it. It had been ten months since I even flirted with a man and as much as I wanted to fight my attraction, the intense way his eyes followed me made me want to break my promise to Tim. “Two more months,” I muttered.

  How long had it been since I had sex? That must be the reason I couldn’t stop staring. It couldn’t be his lean form, the slight five o’clock shadow that had a sprinkling of gray giving him a distinguished sexy look. My fingers itched to run my hands through his dark brown hair speckled with gray. Don’t even get me started on his forearms. With his dress shirt rolled up at the sleeves, I noticed the way his grip on his beer seemed to emphasize his muscles. I didn’t even know forearms could be sexy but on him… I could’ve sworn my chest vibrated with a purr.

  I
shook my head realizing I had officially lost it. Five inches of arm got me excited. Just as I pulled out of my hot man trance, I ran straight into a table bumping it and spilling some guy’s drink. Because of course I would. I wouldn’t be me unless I embarrassed myself in front of a man I wanted to take home and do dirty things with.

  At any other time, I would’ve laughed it off, but I felt him watching me, and when I looked up, I was correct. But instead of giving me his sexy smile, he laughed making my body heat from embarrassment.

  Great. I never wanted to hide under a rock so badly as I did at that moment. I looked down at the table and the mess I created and apologized to the couple sitting there. The guy smiled and told me not to worry about it while the girl who sat across from him folded her arms across her chest and glared at me.

  I lifted the empty beer bottle and called to the bartender. “Seth? Can I get another one? I spilled his.” He gave me a small nod. While I soaked up beer with a pile of napkins, Benny, my favorite waitresses came to the table and replaced the spilled beer. “Hey, Kim. I thought that was you. I’ve got this.” She gave me a sweet smile and wiped up the table while I made my way to the opposite end of the bar of Mr. Sexy Arms.

  Looking down the bar, I waved a hand at Seth to get his attention and noticed Sexy Arms had left. With a sting of disappointment, I shook it off. With two months left before I could date, I had no need for a pointless flirtation. He would just be trouble with a capital T.

  Seth worked his way towards me but got stopped by a group of giggling girls.

  Seth lifted a finger and mouthed “just a minute” as he mixed drinks for the girls. A very busty blonde leaned over the bar giving him quite the show and batted her fake eyelashes at him.

  I looked around the room searching for his adorable girlfriend, Benny. By day she worked as a preschool teacher and at night worked here as a waitress. She was hard to miss since she looked like she came straight off of a 40’s pin up except with tattoos and pale pink hair. She and Seth met or re-met when she applied for a waitressing job here. I never got the whole story, but from the day they met, they’ve been inseparable.