Love Me

by Cristin Cooper

  Our first night here, I did a redo of how his birthday should have gone. I felt my cheeks flush just thinking about it. Taking that strip tease class had been worth every penny.

  We were five minutes into dinner before Amber noticed my engagement ring. She sucked in a breath with her jaw wide open and pointed to my hand. “Is that what I think it is?”

  I nodded my head, and before I could say yes, Pete was out of his chair and at my side pulling me into a hug. “I told you it would happen,” he said into my ear. For one brief moment, I could’ve sworn I heard Ryan saying it. Maybe he did in a way. He would’ve been just as happy for me as Pete and Amber.

  Pete patted Kevin on the back as he returned to his seat.

  “We’re so happy for you.” Amber still in shock, smiled wide with tears in her eyes.

  “Since we didn’t hear the news from your mother is this something that we should keep to ourselves for a bit?” Amber asked.

  “I looked over at Kevin, who raised a brow but didn’t say a word. Then I looked at them. “Yeah. For now.”

  On the drive back to the hotel, he asked me about growing up here and what I did for fun. I told him about how I always wanted to move in with Pete and Amber and have them adopt me.

  “I can see why. Especially that Pete…” he laughed.

  “I know. He and Ryan were a lot alike.”

  “Oh!” I reached for his arm and pointed at the grocery store. “Turn in here. I want to pick up some snacks for tomorrow.”

  As I got out, he said he needed to stay in the car and call Jim to check on things. I gave him a quick kiss and made a mental list of what to get.

  Ten minutes later I stood in line with more Granny B sugar cookies than was healthy. One cookie could probably put me in a sugar-induced coma, but I decided to risk it.

  “I can’t believe it. Kim? Kim Franklin?” Without turning around, I knew who it was.

  Randy.

  My stomach dropped. Just the sound of his voice brought up the memory of me lying in the back of his truck with him on top of me and suddenly I needed to throw up.

  I wanted to ignore him, but he touched my arm trying to get my attention. “Too good for me now are you?” I yanked my arm away from his touch as I felt the vomit rise. I gripped the basket handle, tempted to drop it and run.

  The sound of his voice brought up the memory of that day. Every single moment of it and how I wished I had never gotten into his truck. Turning around, I stared into his face and saw the man that barely resembled the twenty-year-old boy I remembered. His eyes were darker, his hairline had receded, and a beer belly replaced the six-pack that he had been so proud of.

  For a moment, I felt sorry for him but then he smirked like he did that day and days after every time I saw him. I looked behind him and saw who I assumed was his wife or girlfriend, holding a toddler who only wore a T-shirt and diaper. On the coast, April was still too cold not to be wearing a jacket at the very least. The poor baby.

  If I had to guess, the girl standing with him couldn’t be older than twenty. Too young to be with him. She had long bleached blonde hair with dark roots pulled into a ponytail that looked tight enough to hurt. She didn’t wear makeup and wore a baggy T-shirt over loose fitting jeans. And she looked exhausted and jealous as she put a possessive hand on his arm.

  He pushed her away as if her existence annoyed him. “Brit, can’t you see I’m talking to a beautiful lady here?” he said without looking at her once. His eyes stayed on me as he lifted his lips into a big smile.

  I barely managed to keep from doing a full body shiver at the sight of him. How could he be so proud of himself after complimenting me in front of the mother of his child?

  He kept attempting to flirt with me while I glared at him. His girlfriend watched me; her eyes looking me up and down. I could see she was self-conscious by the way she kept adjusting her shirt.

  I felt sorry for her, for more than one reason. I wondered if he did to her what he had done to me. Whatever mind darts she threw at me, I would take them because at least I didn’t have his baby.

  I wanted to push my way to the front of the line as he talked nonstop about what he had been doing with his life, every word grated on my nerves. I tried to hold back my desire to claw his eyes out and kick him in the balls.

  When it was my turn at the register, I unloaded my cart as fast as I could and paid the cheerful cashier who wanted to talk to me about the weather. I nodded and mumbled something about the sunshine then took my bags and headed for the car. I clenched my fists when he yelled for me.

  “Please leave me alone,” I croaked, the words getting stuck in my throat

  “Hey!” he yelled. The click of his cowboy boots grew louder as he neared me.

  I turned around and yelled, “What?”

  He ignored the fact I hadn’t smiled once and didn’t say more than two words to him and asked, “If you’re going to be in town for a while, how about we get together for old time’s sake?”

  I didn’t even know where to begin. I shook my head in disbelief.

  “I can’t believe you’re asking me that with your girlfriend inside.”

  He looked over his shoulder at the girl holding a baby with a look of devastation on her face. “She’s too young to understand that I have needs, and she can’t take care of them. Have you seen her?”

  Had he seen himself, I wondered.

  “She’s fat now, and that baby is always on her hip,” he said with revulsion.

  I couldn’t take it. I finally said what I should’ve said twenty years ago. “You are a disgusting human being, and I never want you to speak to me again.” I turned around and headed for my car.

  I was two cars away when he yelled, “We were good together.”

  A cold chill ran down my back, and I turned around with my fingers clenched around the shopping bags. All the shame and anger I had felt years ago reared its head, and I screamed, “I would not call losing my virginity to you in the back of your truck and then being called a whore the next day, a good experience.”

  The moment the words were out of my mouth I turned and ran straight into Kevin. He braced his hands on my arms and looked me in the eyes. “Are you okay?”

  Before I could answer, Randy yelled, “Bitch,” then turned away.

  The next thing I knew, Randy was on the ground and Kevin was on top of him punching him in the face.

  I managed to pull Kevin off.

  Breathing heavy, he took my hand and helped me into the car. We didn’t speak during the whole ride back to the hotel. Anger radiated off of him. I had never seen Kevin angry, at least not to that degree. Not even close.

  In silence, we walked into our suite and set the groceries on the table. I didn’t speak; I wasn’t sure what I should say or how much he had heard.

  When his breathing evened out, he lifted his hand to draw me to him.

  I took the seat next to him, and he held my hand, gently running his thumb over my knuckles. “Kimberly, you don’t have to tell me what happened between you two, but I want you to know that no matter what you tell me, it’ll never change the way I feel about you.”

  I closed my eyes trying to draw strength to tell him about that day and the ones after it.

  “I was seventeen.” Taking a deep breath, I went on. “His name was Randy. He was three years older than me. I had known of him but didn’t know him. He had been the typical bad boy. He got in trouble in school, smoked, drank, did pot, so of course I was attracted to him.”

  Kevin didn’t let go of my hand as he wiped the tears from my eyes with the other.

  “He seemed dangerous and in my little naïve world, he was exciting, and I thought he liked me.”

  Even though Kevin appeared calm, I felt his anger with the way his hand tightened every few seconds.

  “The summer after Anna and Ryan graduated from high school, they were busy planning for their wedding and didn’t have time for me so I hung out at the basketball court and would watch some of
the boys play.”

  Taking the offered tissue, I wiped my nose and kept going. “Randy would come by and sit and talk with me. Sometimes he would drink or smoke pot, and because I wanted to look cool, I did too.”

  “As the summer went on I noticed how each time we met, he became a little more touchy, then he started telling me I was pretty. By the end of the summer, he and I spent time alone kissing and making out. Each time he would want to go a little further, and each time I would let him, until one day he told me he wanted to make love to me. At the time, I thought it meant I was special, so I agreed.”

  My throat became dry, and I asked for some water. Kevin reluctantly left my side to get me a glass of water and returned a minute later sitting closer than he had before. My hands shook as I took a sip and cleared my throat.

  “He drove us to an empty field, brought out a blanket he had kept in his truck and laid in the bed of the pickup. I was nervous, but I wanted to make him happy, so I got into the back of the truck. He jumped in and had me on my back before I even realized what was going on.”

  I leaned against Kevin’s chest as I began to shake. He gently ran his hands up and down my back soothing me with his touch.

  “Even though he had laid the blanket down, the ridges of the truck dug into my back. I had told him it was my first time and asked him to go slow, but he didn’t listen. He pulled off my shirt and worked my shorts and panties down my legs. I still had my bra on, and my shorts were stuck around my calves when he pulled his pants down and entered me.”

  A wave of sadness hit me, and I began to sob. I felt bad for the teenage me who only wanted to be loved and accepted. I never told anyone about that day and tried to forget about it.

  Once I got my emotions under control, I continued. “He wasn’t gentle even after I begged him to slow down, but he just kept going until he came inside of me. Being my first time and young, I didn’t even think about birth control.”

  “I was just relieved that the whole thing didn’t last longer than a few minutes. When he finished, he climbed off of me and threw me a towel to wipe the blood from my legs. I wanted to cry, but I think I was in shock. Not only was the sex painful, but then I began to worry that I would get pregnant.”

  Kevin’s breaths grew heavy, and I knew he was struggling to keep calm. I ran my hand up and down his arm, hoping to calm him. There wasn’t anything he could do now. His anger would be wasted on someone who didn’t care who he hurt.

  “After I got redressed, he told me to get in the cab of the truck, and he drove me home. He idled his truck in front of my house until I got out. He didn’t say anything about seeing me again, not even a goodbye.”

  I wiped the tears from my eyes and tried to keep my voice from shaking when I told him the rest.

  “The next day, the rumors started. He had told his friends that I begged him for it and that I was a slut. Not long after, I began getting calls from guys that I never met asking me out. When I walked down the street, I would get cat calls and for a while I tried to ignore them, but eventually, I gave into some of them.”

  I pushed away from his chest, uncomfortable with what I was about to tell him. “I had sex…with a lot of guys, Kevin.” I closed my eyes not wanting to see his expression.

  “Open your eyes, Kimberly.” I did what he asked and looked into his eyes and felt so much love and acceptance. “My beautiful, Kimberly. I’m so sorry that happened to you,” he whispered between sweet kisses.

  That was all he said and all that I needed to hear.

  28

  I lay in bed snuggled against Kevin, unable to fall back to sleep no matter how hard I tried. I finally had a chance to sleep in and my body refused. In fact, I had been restless all night. My thoughts were on today and the question I wanted to ask Kevin but had put off until the last minute.

  Today was Anna’s birthday lunch at her friend Kitty’s house. I knew it would be the perfect time to introduce Kevin to her and the kids. Tim and Matt would be there, and most of the attention would be on Anna making the situation less intimidating for him and me. Plus, my parents weren’t going to be there. There might not have been a better time.

  Kevin lazily ran his hand through my hair and kissed the top of my head. Just doing something as simple as that turned me into goo. Kevin goo that was pliable and would do anything he asked.

  Luckily, he never asked.

  I swung my leg over him until I straddled his legs then leaned down to kiss his chest, neck and finally his lips. “We should wake up like this every morning.” The sound of his gravelly morning voice warmed my lower belly. At times, I still couldn’t believe he loved me. But I wasn’t about to question it.

  “We should,” I agreed.

  For a few brief moments, I was so lost in him. I forgot I needed to ask him a question. “Kevin, I wanted to see if…”

  His work phone vibrated next to the bed, and we both swore at the same time. “I’m sorry. I have to take this.”

  “I know.” I bent down and kissed him then climbed off of him cursing his job for more than one reason.

  I couldn’t hear what was being said, but when Kevin pushed off the covers and began dressing before he was off the phone, I knew it had to be bad.

  “I’ll be there as soon as I can,” he said right before shoving his phone into his pocket and pulling his shoes from the closet. Sitting on the bed, he looked over his shoulder at me and apologized again. “One of my clients is in the hospital. They think he tried to hurt himself.” Kevin worked with children, so just the idea of a young person… I couldn’t imagine.

  There was no doubt his job was emotionally difficult at times. There were days where he couldn’t just leave it at the office. He would come home looking like he had the weight of the world on his shoulders. Those were the days he held me a little tighter and kissed me a little longer. I knew without him saying a word. Today would be one of those days.

  I sat behind him on the bed and put my arms around him. “I love you,” I said. He didn’t say anything, but he held my hands against his chest allowing me to love him for a few minutes.

  “I don’t know when I’ll be home.”

  “I know. Don’t worry about me. Go be with your people.”

  He turned in my arms and held me so tight it was hard to breathe. “I love you, Kimberly,” he said with desperation in his voice. I was positive at that moment that I wouldn’t have been able to handle one day at his job.

  I watched him leave, wishing there was some way to make it easier for him.

  By afternoon, I still hadn’t heard from him, but I had sent him an I’m thinking of you text before I left for Anna’s birthday lunch.

  I pulled into Kitty’s driveway, right behind Matt and Tim. They both waved looking deliriously happy with matching smiles. I loved how sickly sweet they were together.

  The infamous Kitty, Anna’s friend she had met on her first day of college, welcomed us into her beautiful home, and we made introductions.

  The boys attached themselves to Kitty’s daughter Candace while Kitty and I chatted. “Would you like a drink?”

  “I’d love some juice if you have any.”

  Kitty returned with apple juice in a glass. “Every drink tastes better in a wine glass.” With that one comment, I knew Kitty and I were kindred spirits

  Not two minutes later, Nate, Jakey, and Claire made a loud entrance followed by a glowing Anna.

  I couldn’t take my eyes off of her. It had been weeks since I last saw her, but today she looked…happy. It wasn’t a word I had used to describe her since Ryan died.

  Soon after, Brad, Anna’s tutor or should I say former tutor walked in. I had only heard of him and had yet to meet the notorious younger man I had heard about on Thanksgiving. And wow. He made me sweat just looking at him. Were men supposed to look like that? All hard lines and…and beautiful? He would never be a Kevin, but…wow. I had to blink a few times to clear my head.

  Anna introduced us, but I didn’t get a chance to tal
k to him since Kitty whisked him off to meet her daughter. From the wide-eyed look Candace gave him, I was pretty sure she was just as entranced by his good looks as everyone else in the room.

  Throughout lunch, I kept checking my phone, hoping to hear from Kevin, but still nothing. I put on a smile and enjoyed the party. I even talked to Anna about Kevin, who she still called Mystery Man. In some way, I felt that telling her about him brought me a step closer to introducing them.

  Just as everyone began to leave the party, I pulled Anna aside and handed her an envelope. “This is from Ryan,” I said as gently as I could, hoping she wouldn’t break down from just hearing his name.

  She sucked in a breath and stared at the envelope. “What?”

  I explained. “Around five years ago, Ryan started a savings account for you to celebrate your fortieth birthday. I know it isn’t until next year, but I thought you could start planning now. It’s a significant amount, and he made it clear that it could only be used for something you want.”

  Her hand shook as she held it. I braced myself for the worst. I had to be careful with her for so long, a part of me expected her to break down in tears but she didn’t. She smiled with watery eyes and said, “Of course he did.”

  I returned her smile. There were a lot of things Ryan wasn’t and his and Anna’s marriage wasn’t perfect, but Ryan loved her more than anything else in this world and had always made sure she was cared for…even now.

  After saying goodbye to Anna and Kitty, I rushed to Kevin’s apartment wanting to be there when he got home.

  Hours later, I had dinner warming in the oven when Kevin finally walked through the front door. He looked exhausted with dark circles under his eyes and his hair sticking up in places, as if he had been running his hands through it all day.

  Without either of us saying a word, I opened my arms and he walked into them holding me against his chest as if he were afraid to let go. I would probably never know what happened today, but I wanted to do anything I could to let him know I was there for him.