Searching for Disaster

by Jennifer Probst

  She laughed. "Congratulations! I can't wait to hear about it. Take your time; if you want to party tonight, I can always come and pick you up. Or we can just see each other tomorrow."

  "Hell, no," he growled over the phone, lighting up all her girly parts. "Why don't we go to dinner and celebrate? Can you pick me up at Ray's?"

  "Sure. Give me twenty minutes."

  "See you then."

  Humming under her breath, she freshened up, slipping on a pair of designer jeans, high-heeled boots, and a scarlet sweater that left her shoulders bare. She spritzed herself in Light Blue by Dolce & Gabbana, donned a pair of gold hoops and her favorite gold skull necklace, and got Leia tucked away in her crate with her favorite bone.

  Cranking up the music loud, she car-danced, thinking over Raven's words. The past weeks had been so good with Liam. Maybe she needed to let go a bit and be kinder to herself. Yes, she might be afraid of screwing things up, but she was in love with him. Wouldn't that be enough to fight the demons? How could she possibly walk away from everything good between them?

  She pulled to the curb, parking down the street from Ray's. When she entered, the sound of Irish music, loud male voices, and clinking pool balls met her ears. The familiar scent of beer and whiskey rose to her nostrils. She always thought the place had a great homey feel, where you could grab a good Guinness, listen to some music, and play a few rounds of pool or darts with friends. She spotted Liam with his crew at the far back and held up her hand. He must have changed out of his uniform, because he wore a green Henley, jeans, and sneakers. A Key West baseball cap was turned backward on his head. He looked both sexy and adorable, and her heart leaped.

  "Hey, Isabella. Come meet everyone."

  When she reached him, he pulled her into his arms and kissed her solidly. The loud wolf whistling was secondary to the roaring in her ears. She hadn't expected him to declare their relationship so publicly. Stone crossed his arms in front of him and glared at them both.

  "You didn't tell me shit," he accused. "How long has this been going on?"

  Izzy shifted her feet, an odd blush heating her cheeks. Holy crap--she never blushed! "Just a little while. The girls don't know yet either."

  "Well, I'm telling Arilyn tonight, so you better spill the beans tomorrow."

  Liam laughed. "You're such a gossip queen."

  "Screw you, Devine. I just like information. It gives me power."

  Izzy tried not to laugh at their banter. She'd learned Liam's language descended into grunts and curses around his male buddies. It was another part of him that fascinated her, along with his delicious dominance in the bedroom that often sprung up to surprise her.

  Liam pointed out the three other men with him. "This is McCoy, Make It Work Dunn, and the Rookie."

  Her lips twitched. "Hmm, interesting. Do you think I can have their real names?"

  Liam shrugged. "Sure. This is Jason, Tim, and Patterson."

  "Nice to meet you."

  They all welcomed her with warmth. "Beer, wine, or cocktail?" Jason asked.

  "Seltzer with cranberry juice would be great."

  "Got it." He moved to the bar to grab her drink and Liam wrapped an arm around her waist, holding her close. Warmth and security suffused her. She felt like a . . . girlfriend. And it was nice.

  "So, fill me in on this bust," she said. "Unless you can't talk about it."

  Tim groaned. "Here we go. Are we gonna have to hear about this epic bust for the rest of the damn week? I'm bored already."

  "Get over it," Stone said. "You're just pissed you and Rookie couldn't even get your speeding-ticket quota."

  Liam laughed. "Stone and I were patrolling our normal route and we see this guy running down a side street and jumping a fence. We got curious, so we parked and went after him."

  Stone cut in. "I never knew the woods went that fucking deep! I'm talking serial-killer sheds could be hidden in there. I swear, I plan on staking out the woods more often."

  "We don't have money for stakeouts," Jason interjected, handing her the drink. "You think you're back in the Bronx, Petty?"

  "You're not sulking about pulling crossing guard duty, are you, McCoy?"

  Jason stuck up his middle finger.

  Liam took up the story without missing a beat. "So we follow the guy out to this building and there it is, right in front of our faces. A meth lab. I'm talking Breaking Bad here--they had everything they needed to crank out some serious stuff."

  "So we call it in, keep a watch on the place, finally make the bust, and end up arresting three main guys and confiscating a crapload of meth!" Stone crowed.

  "It was a thing of beauty," Liam said.

  Tim made gagging noises and Jason stuck up his middle finger again. Patterson gave a mournful sigh.

  Izzy broke into laughter. She loved seeing Liam in his world. He held a comfortable, close dynamic with his work buddies. She squeezed him hard. "Congratulations. It certainly sounds like a thing of beauty to me."

  "Oh boy, Hollywood, you really pulled the wool over her eyes," Jason said.

  "At least I didn't have to blindfold her and beg her to marry me like you did, McCoy," Liam teased. "How many times did she turn you down before she got weak and agreed?"

  "Twice, only twice! Now stop distracting me. I'm one game up and I want my damn twenty dollars. Finish up."

  Liam winked at her, gave her another kiss, and shook out his hands. "Watch the master in action, sweetheart. I'm gonna win our dinner money tonight."

  "You taking your lady out to the taco stand again, Hollywood?" Tim called out.

  She chatted with Tim and Patterson, telling them they'd met via Kinnections and sharing easy conversation. "We like to rag on him but you're with a good guy," Tim said, taking a sip of his beer. "Known him for four years now."

  "I gather there's not a lot of huge busts going on in Verily to get excited about," she teased.

  "Nah, we do pretty good here keeping the crap off the streets. Meth is getting more popular, though. Bastard junkies will do anything to get their fix." Loathing flickered in his eyes. "I'm so sick of their weepy stories. They give you excuses about their horrible past and how they couldn't help it, but each one of them decided to snort or smoke or stick a needle in their arm because they're weak."

  Patterson nodded. "Yeah, then they do their rehab stint, promise they're gonna be good, and they're back at it again."

  "Junkies disgust me. They're ticking time bombs better left in jail so they can't hurt any other people when they explode."

  Her stomach lurched. The two men across from her held similar expressions. She swallowed, fingering her straw. "You don't think some of them deserve forgiveness? If they don't do it again and try to build a respectable life?"

  "Once an addict, always an addict," Tim commented. "I know I'm not politically correct and people would give me shit, but it's the truth. In all my years as a cop, I haven't found one person who was able to stay clean. Eventually, the demons come get them and it's all over."

  The demons come get them.

  The room swayed, then settled. An icy knot formed in her belly. The cold spread through her body, numbing her.

  Once an addict, always an addict.

  "Sorry, I get worked up over that topic. Anyway, nothing you need to worry about. You're good for Hollywood. Now I know why he's been so damn happy at the station lately."

  Patterson agreed, and they chatted a bit, but their words were a distant roaring around her. All she could hear were the same words repeated again and again in a horrific mantra that described her life.

  A shout went up from the pool table, and Liam high-fived Stone. "Winner, winner, chicken dinner," he sang, pocketing his twenty.

  "Yeah, enjoy eating at KFC, Isabella," Jason called out.

  She forced a stiff smile, and they said their good-byes. She got in the car and knew she couldn't do it. She couldn't go to dinner and pretend it was all going to be okay. Because it wasn't.

  Izzy cleared her throat.
"Umm, Liam, do you mind if I just drop you off at home? I'm not feeling too good."

  "I'm sorry, sweetheart. What's wrong?" He reached over to touch her but she shrank back. He paused, his stare hardening. "Isabella?"

  She started the car, swallowing. "I just--I just need some time off tonight. Time for myself. You understand, right?"

  His voice was pure ice. "Sure. I understand completely."

  He didn't speak as she drove to his house. With damp, shaking hands, she pulled up to his driveway and waited. She needed desperately to retreat and think. When she was around Liam, he made her mind fuzzy, because the only thing that mattered was being close to him. The door opened, then slammed. She half closed her eyes, willing herself to keep it together, and moved to put the car back into drive.

  He tapped on the window. Slowly, she hit the button and lowered it.

  "Get out of the car, Isabella."

  His command lashed sharp enough to draw blood. "I just think--"

  "Now. I refuse to have this conversation in a car."

  She got out and stood up straight. He was right. Dear God, he deserved for her to tell him the truth face-to-face. She couldn't slink away just because things got hard. The last month had been like a dream, but she'd known it couldn't last. Reality always intruded in life. "You're right; I'm sorry."

  "Inside."

  She followed him in. He took Han out of the crate, walked him quickly, then settled him with some food and toys while she waited in silence. He tore his cap off, tossing it to the side, fisted his hands, and turned to face her. "I want to know what happened in the bar."

  She took a deep breath. Every word she spoke was like an ice pick in her heart. "I was talking to Tim about drug busts. He was expressing his opinion about addicts--junkies--who he believes are the scourge of the earth and don't deserve a second chance. He mentioned something that has been bothering me for a long time."

  "What?"

  "That the demons always come back. And he's right. I can be tempted at any time. Something can fall apart and I can use again. It's something they teach us right away. He said, 'Once an addict, always an addict.' "

  Liam cursed viciously. "Listen, Tim has seen some bad things out there and has no experience with anyone close to him using. Are you telling me Tim's opinion--someone you just met--was important enough to want to run back home without even talking to me?"

  Shame filled her. She lifted her chin. "No, you're right. See, I get like that when things get hard sometimes, Liam. I twist things up in my mind, and then I hurt people."

  "Isabella, spare me your litany of sins in your quest to save me. I'm getting tired of it."

  Anger curled inside, hot and satisfying and clean. "Oh, you're tired of it, huh? Maybe if you would begin listening to me, you'd see the problem with a future for us. Why do you think I tried so hard not to begin this thing between us? Because it would be too hard to stop!"

  "Then let's not stop," he retorted. "Just because we decided not to talk about what we have doesn't mean it's not real. I played your game because I was afraid to freak you out. Well, now I'm done trying to hide my feelings for you. All we have to do is keep moving forward. Work through things that come up. But dammit, you need to talk to me when something upsets you. I can't be the only one fighting for us."

  "There can't be an us!"

  "Because you won't allow it!"

  They faced each other. The past reared up and swallowed her whole. Images of her naked on the street. Memories of glorious lines of pure-white powder and parties that turned from night into day and night again. Recollections of her sister's face when she lashed out with her venom, and her parents' disappointment, and Raven's choking sobs when she thought she'd overdosed and begged her to seek help. Years of abusing and neglecting herself physically and emotionally. How could she possibly be enough for this man she loved more than her own life?

  And she did love him. Oh, how she loved him, from the very depths of her broken soul.

  "Tim reminded me of something I've always known," she said. "He said addicts are always ready to explode again. I can't give you any guarantees. I have to accept myself for who I am, flaws included."

  "There are never any guarantees in life. In love. In anything. Does that mean you'll never allow yourself to love?" he challenged. "Are you going to protect the entire world from the disaster that is Isabella MacKenzie, or am I just your one lucky winner?"

  "I don't know! I never thought about falling in love with someone like you! You're a police officer. What would your family say if they found out about my past? Your cop buddies?"

  "Who cares? My family will see how happy I am with you and won't care. As for my friends, why do we need to tell them anything? It's our business. Hell, I'm proud of what you went through! I'm proud to stand by a woman who took life by the fucking tail and turned her devastation and darkness into healing and light. And every damn time you devalue yourself, you devalue me. Us. And I can't take it anymore, Isabella."

  He closed the distance and yanked her into his arms. Cupping her face, he kissed her, forcing her lips to open to his, sliding his tongue deep into her mouth, and claiming her completely. She moaned, helpless to fight him, her body softening beneath him and flaming to life. When he finally ripped his mouth away, he was breathing hard, a fierce blue flame glinting in his eyes.

  "I love you. All of you--past, present, and future. I tried to play it your way so I could prove to you how right we are for each other. You, my love, are the other half of my soul. But for this to work, you need to fight for me, too. You need to believe in yourself as much as I do to give us a chance. Do you love me?"

  She clung to him, terror washing over her. "Yes. I love you. I think I've loved you from that very first night."

  "Then it's time for you to make a choice. Don't walk away from a future because you're afraid of the past. Don't sacrifice our actual happiness for some mythical perfect happiness out there with someone else that doesn't even exist."

  She looked into his beloved face and saw two roads ahead of her. One filled with laughter and love and uncertainty. The other cold, empty, but safe. Secure. If he wasn't willing to save himself, she had to do it for him. Just like she'd always known from the beginning.

  Izzy took a step back. "I love you too much, Liam. You need to be with someone who's completely whole. Someone you truly deserve."

  Silence crashed between them. The grief and pain in his eyes felt like knives stabbing into her skin, drawing blood. And then he was turning his back as if he couldn't bear to look at her.

  "I need you to go now," he said quietly. "But don't forget, this was your choice. You gave up on everything because you didn't believe in yourself. And I can't fix that for you. No one can."

  The numbness came back to mask the pain. She turned and left, shutting the door quietly behind her.

  chapter twelve

  "HI, DADDY."

  "Hi, pumpkin." She held a little bit tighter to her father's embrace, and as if he sensed she needed extra comfort, he held her for longer than usual. Her smile was wobbly but still firmly in place. At this point, she needed to be around her family to fill the emptiness.

  She walked into her family home where familiarity wrapped around her. From the spiral staircase to the elegant open foyer, she stepped back in time where her childhood reigned supreme. Pale-yellow walls, furniture now battered from the war of time, the family room beckoned with its cozy rug, overstuffed furniture made for comfort, and the solid coffee table that had held hundreds of platters. Amazing aromas drifted from the Tuscan kitchen where her mother ruled.

  "Aunt Izzy!" Her niece Taylor came over to give her a hug. Her gorgeous blond hair spilled to her hips, and her wide blue eyes were now edged with mascara and eyeliner. Now a young teenager, her face had filled out, along with other parts. "How is it working at a real matchmaking agency? Have you met any cute guys?"

  Izzy ignored the flare of pain and smiled at her niece. "Not yet, but I'm sure I will. If dating
becomes too disastrous, you can grab the friends-and-family discount."

  Her sister-in-law, Gina, walked in with her brother, Lance. "Please let's not discuss dating. I'm still working on negotiating curfew."

  Taylor sighed with exaggerated patience. "M-O-M! I told you Sarah gets to stay out till eleven and you want me to be home at ten. I'm not a baby!."

  "School nights ten. Weekends eleven," Lance cut in. "Discussion closed for now."

  Taylor huffed but didn't respond. Gina gave her husband a warning look, but he winked at her, tugging playfully at her hair and getting her to smile. The crash of objects hitting the floor echoed in the air with loud voices. Maria skidded in, throwing herself into Izzy's arms with no doubt she'd be caught. Izzy covered her with kisses and heard her other niece, Lily, patiently explaining to her father that deer were animals, too, and not just ridiculous death hazards on the road.

  "What happened?" she whispered to Maria.

  Maria gave a very adult sigh. "Daddy almost hit a deer, and got mad, and started saying hunters needed to do their job better, and then Mommy and Lily got upset and said they're God's creatures and that they were going to force him to watch Bambi. But I think that's very cruel. Bambi made me cry."

  Izzy pressed her lips together to keep from laughing. "Me, too. Thanks, sweets."

  "Welcome."

  She turned and Alexa stood before her. "Just a little family drama," she explained, tugging off her coat. Her beautiful black curls tumbled over her shoulders in a familiar disarray. She clasped Izzy in a firm embrace. "I'm so glad to see you. Is Gen able to make it or is she cramming in extra shifts again?"

  "She promised to make it," Jim MacKenzie announced, his hands already filled with thick Italian bread covered in tomatoes and mozzarella.

  "Jim! Are you eating the appetizers before everyone gets here?"

  Her father shoved one portion in his mouth and chewed fast. "No," he mumbled.

  Nick came in with Lily. It looked like their discussion had reached a fruitful end, and they were hand in hand. "Hey, Izzy, good to see you." Her brother-in-law had captured her heart when she'd first met him at sixteen years of age. With his tousled golden-streaked hair, elegant features, and lean grace, she'd crushed on him completely. His love story with Alexa was legendary in the family, especially since they were able to pay off her parents' mortgage and pull them back from bankruptcy or being forced to sell the house.