Remembering Rainy

by Danni Roan

  “Don’t go too fast,” Rainy, cried. “I’m not used to this.”

  “You heard the lady, pardner,” Nathan laughed. “Slow and easy.”

  Lucas twisted in the saddle to look up at his mom. “Okay, Mommy.” He grinned. “We’ll go slow for you.”

  Rainy looked up as they splashed across a shallow stream and out onto the sage dotted prairie. A variety of well-worn trails broke away from the main path and soon they were making their way along a side hill and up into a patch of whispering pines.

  “It’s beautiful out here. So quiet.” Rainy’s voice was reverent as the stillness, and vibrancy of the natural world washed over her.

  “It’s been good being at the Broken J,” Nathan offered, easing his horse in next to hers. “After grandpa passed, I needed a quiet place to feed my soul.”

  Rainy looked up, studying his face. He seemed so sincere. “I’m sorry about your grandfather,” she said. “I know how close you were to him. You always said you were going to prove how much more you could be for him.”

  “I was an idiot,” Nathan shook his head.

  “Mimi says that’s not a nice word.” Lucas piped. “You have to say nice words.”

  “You’re right, little man,” Nathan grinned. “I won’t say that again.” He looked up delighted at the twinkle that lit Rainy’s eyes. “What I meant was that I didn’t understand. I thought that if I focused all of my efforts on making a name in this world, it would mean something. I didn’t realize that what was truly important didn’t have a price tag. It was almost too late before Gramps saw me find that truth.”

  “You mean this newfound faith?” Rainy looked straight ahead feeling uncomfortable with the conversation.

  “Yes.”

  “But you finished your education, didn’t you? You were so sure that once you got that degree the world would be yours for the taking.”

  “I finished.” Nathan’s tone was flat as he reflected on his drive to get that degree at any cost.

  “Then why are you here?”

  Nathan twisted in the saddle, meeting Rainy’s soft blue eyes. “I didn’t know where to go.” He swallowed hard as emotions warred in his chest. “Once I found the truth, everything changed. I was still here in Wyoming but didn’t know what to do. I was afraid to come home. Afraid I would see you.”

  Rainy gasped shocked by his words and her grip loosened on Lucas who started to slip from her grasp.

  “Easy there now pardner,” Nathan laughed, pushing the boy upright again. “You need to hold on.”

  Rainy felt something long forgotten stir in her heart, like a sleeping dragon scenting the purest gold.

  They rode on in silence for several more minutes before Nathan pulled his horse to a stop, turning to face the setting sun. “This is the spot,” he grinned. He seldom got out on the range, but today was special. The first unsteady steps in building some kind of relationship with his former love were in the making. He only prayed that in time God could find a way to let him into his child’s life.

  Nathan looked over at Rainy, her face bathed in the golden glow of the evening sun. He knew that the odds of her ever forgiving him were slight. She would never trust him again with her heart. But perhaps she could find room in her life for him to become a father to Lucas.

  Lucas snuggled in close to his mother, his sleepy eyes taking in the prairie beyond as he soaked in the peace that seemed to emanate from the strange man on the horse beside him. Grown-ups were confusing.

  The sun slipped closer to the horizon painting the prairie in tones of pink, purple, and chartreuse as it washed away the cares of the day.

  “Thanks,” Rainy whispered letting some of the tension she had felt since seeing Nathan that morning slip away.

  Nathan looked up and nodded, smiling when he saw that Lucas was asleep, his head resting against his mother. “It looks like the day has caught up with someone,” he grinned.

  “Oh my. How am I supposed to manage the horse with Lucas asleep? I’m not that good at riding, even with a quiet horse like this.”

  “I’ll take him if you want.” Nathan looked up willing her to say yes. Willing her to let him hold the boy this one time.

  “Can you get him?”

  Nathan angled his horse close, steadying it with his knees as he reached out and lifted Lucas on to the saddle in front of him, cradling the boy between the saddle swells and his legs. “I’ve got him.” It seemed like a breakthrough, Rainy trusting him to carry the boy home.

  Making sure that Lucas was secure, Nathan turned his horse toward the ranch as the royal blue of night met the purple glory at the end of the day.

  Today had gone better than he could have ever expected, and though he knew the love, trust, and admiration he had once held in Rainy’s eyes would never return, he had at least taken the first steps to show her that he had truly changed.

  Chapter 11

  Rainy woke with a smile, even after the shock, and the rough start of the day before things had gone well. She was still torn between making room for Nathan in Lucas’s life and cutting him out completely, but last night, the man had seemed so different from the boy who had walked away.

  Beside her Lucas still slept, but she was so accustomed to his early morning routine she lay in bed eyes wide as she pondered the new situation. In the end, did any of it matter? Nathan would be moving on to the big job he had always dreamed of, and she would return home trying to find balance in the next stage of her life.

  Lucas had seemed to accept Nathan as an old friend, and Rainy had to admit that her old flame was holding up to his side of the bargain. Rising she made her way to the window and lifted the blind gazing out at the barn that was beginning to twinkle with lights. Was he out there now? Was Nathan going through the morning routine as she watched a new day burst forth?

  Her mind turned back to the days when he had told her he loved her when he had promised her the world. If she hadn’t gotten pregnant would he have lived up to his word, taking her with him to college at WU? That life was all in the past, but finding it in her heart to give him time with her son seemed to release some of the old anger and hurt she had carried for so long.

  “Mommy, I’m hungry.” Lucas sat up rubbing his eyes with tiny fists. “Can we have pancakes?”

  Rainy hurried to the bed squatting and reaching for him, her fingers finding his ribs and making him squeal with laughter.

  “I’ll have to see what Mrs. Wade is making today,” she replied hugging him tightly. “Let’s get dressed and go see.”

  Taking Lucas by the hand, Rainy headed for the kitchen a smile on her face. If you had asked her a few days ago how she would have reacted to seeing Nathan again, none of this would have come to mind, but the fact that she had met him, had brought some peace to a tender heart, broken beyond repair. Perhaps, in the future, there would be a chance at love. Someday when Lucas was older, Rainy thought that she might be able to love a man again. She knew that Nathan’s rejection, denial, and abandonment had not doomed her to a life without love. She was stronger than she had believed she ever could be.

  “Morning!” Mrs. Wade greeted them cheerfully as Rainy and Lucas walked into the kitchen. “I’m making blueberry pancakes today.” She leaned down tapping Lucas on the nose. “How’s that sound?”

  “Yum!” The boy enthused sending both women into peals of laughter.

  ***

  “Do you have children, Mrs. Wade?” Rainy asked as the three of them settled around the high island to eat.

  “I do. I have three children two boys and a girl. Of course, they are all grown up now, and I have grandbabies.” The older woman’s bright smile filled the room.

  “I’ll head out to see some of them during the holiday season. It’s still busy here in the fall and Christmas is something to see, but this year I’m taking the time off. I figure some of the younger women should start taking a bigger role here on the Broken J. I can’t run this kitchen forever.”

  “Do you ever wish you h
ad done things differently?” Rainy asked. “I mean gone for a career or something like that?”

  “No, that wasn’t for me. I found my satisfaction in raising a family and loving a good man. God made me for that I guess. There’s nothing wrong with any of the rest of it either,” Mrs. Wade hurried to add. “As long as you can find joy and balance.” The older woman shook her spatula at Rainy. “Balance is the hard thing to find. I always say sometimes you have to slow down to speed up. That’s what I say.”

  Rainy chuckled. “That doesn’t make sense.”

  “Not if you don’t think about it for a minute. We get in such an all-fired hurry to do or be something that we miss the point. We’re so caught up in doing something we miss the best things in life.”

  Rainy nodded, seeing the woman’s point. “Like planning so you know that what you want to do will work?”

  “Right.”

  “Can I have more bacon?” Lucas looked between his mother and Mrs. Wade. “P’ease.”

  “You bet,” Mrs. Wade smiled hurrying to the warmer to add more crisp strips to the plate.

  “Mrs. Wade, can I ask you one more thing?”

  “Ask away,” Mrs. Wade said. “I’m too old to bother being offended by questions.”

  “Do you think people can really change?”

  “Yes.” The woman said emphatically. “Not on their own, but they can change.”

  “How?”

  “By giving up everything they believe they know and surrendering to the one who made them. I know lots of folks think that kind of thing is foolishness these days, but God made us. He made us to be in a relationship with Him, and when we walk away from that, everything goes sideways. Oh, I don’t mean that accepting the truth will mean you have the perfect life, but it does mean you will never be alone.”

  “Truth.” Rainy pondered the word. The same word Nathan had used the day before. She wanted to believe that he had changed and that he wouldn’t hurt Lucas by walking away from him, but she just wasn’t sure. Old scars, newly healed, still stung, and she couldn’t take that risk with her son. No, Nathan would remain relegated to the realm of a friend. If he wanted to get to know Lucas, he would have to accept that or nothing at all.

  The sound of other guests arriving made Rainy slip from the high stool and reach for Lucas. “Thank you,” she said as Mrs. Wade hurried back to her stove.

  “Come on Lucas, we’ll find a table and wait for Mimi and Poppa.”

  “Thanks for the bacon, Mrs. Wade.” Lucas shot over his shoulder as he made his way out of the kitchen area and to a table.

  In moments the room seemed to fill as guests and crew alike arrived for breakfast. The kitchen staff seemed to flip a switch shifting into high gear as they began to cook and serve the fresh hot food.

  “Mind if I join you?”

  Rainy looked up into the smiling face of Nathan who stood before her a plate piled with bacon eggs and toast in one hand and a mug of coffee in the other.

  “Only if you watch Lucas for a second so I can get my coffee,” she smiled.

  “Done.”

  “Hi Nat’an,” Lucas grinned. “Are you going to ride the horsies today?”

  “Not today buckaroo,” Nate admitted. “I have to do all my chores around the barn and see what else needs doing.”

  “I don’t like chores,” the boy said.

  “No, they don’t seem like fun do they?” Nathan said. “But they have to be done, and when you do them well you can take pride in that.”

  “What’s pride?”

  “It’s when you know you did something good.”

  “That’s what Mommy says too.”

  Nathan smiled, amazed at the boy who sat before him. There were things about Lucas that reminded him of himself at that age. Old photos drifted to mind and he longed to let the boy know who he really was.

  “What are you two talking about?” Rainy asked slipping back into her seat and waving as her parents entered the room.

  “Chores!” they both echoed at the same time making Nathan laugh.

  “Good morning,” Mrs. Smythe greeted Rainy and Lucas, giving Nathan a hard glare. “What’s on the agenda today?

  “Anne, Lucas and I are going on the wagon ride. Did you book it?” Rainy looked at her father for confirmation.

  “Yes, I think there’s a picnic lunch by the pool. It sounds like it will be fun, and easier on my backside than a saddle.”

  “I wouldn’t count on that Mr. Smythe,” Nathan said. “Kade doesn’t always stick to the trails and you can hit a few rough patches. He says it’s more authentic that way.”

  “Well, I’m taking a cushion along then. At this rate, I won’t be able to drive home.”

  “Morning,” Anne yawned, making her way to the table. “Coffee, please.”

  “I’ll get it,” Dana Smythe said shaking her head. “What were you up to so late last night?”

  “I found this really good book, and stayed up late reading,” Anne mumbled. “I had to see if the couple ended up together or not.”

  ***

  “You’re sure about this?” Red Dixon asked as he and Nate pitched hay down the chute to the stalls below. “You’ve been praying about it.”

  “I’ve been praying all week,” Nathan said. “Through lunch every day.”

  Red rested his chin on his hand where it held the top of his pitchfork. “We’re all praying for you as well. You’ve had a pretty big shock, but you aren’t runnin’ from it. Whatever you do, we’ll be praying for you and that little boy.”

  “I know my grandmother will be glad to have me back for a while, at least.” Nathan’s smile was weary. “I just don’t know if I’m strong enough for all of this.”

  Red walked over placing his hand on the younger man’s shoulder. “You aren’t doing this in your strength,” the old man said. “In our weakness, God is strong. He won’t leave you, son.”

  “Thanks, Red.”

  “Have you told her yet?”

  Nathan shuffled nervously, bending his back and pitching a huge fork full of hay. “I’m hoping I can talk to her today. Rainy has been far more gracious than I had a right to expect. She still doesn’t want Lucas to know I’m his father, but I can’t blame her.”

  “Have faith, Nate.” Red grinned. “Faith can move mountains.”

  “You’ll be alright without me here?” Nate looked up, torn between staying here in this haven and leaving for Iowa in a few weeks.

  “I’ll manage,” Red grinned. “We can always find someone to help out around the place. Chase and Kade can put in a few more hours if needed.”

  ***

  “Rainy,” Nate leaned over the table speaking low. “Could we go for a walk after dinner?”

  Rainy turned puzzled eyes on him surprised by his question. “Why?”

  “I’d like to talk to you privately,” Nathan felt his ears flame.

  Rainy looked between Nathan and Lucas, her heart skipping a beat. Was he going to tell her he wanted partial custody? Rainy knew she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t send her boy away from her for even a little while. “Alright,” she managed, taking a large gulp of her iced tea. “Mom, will you watch Lucas for a minute. Nathan and I need to talk.”

  Dana Smythe pressed her lips into a hard line. “If you say so,” she growled. “Lucas, come here to Mimi.”

  Rainy rose, following Nathan toward the back door, her jaw set. No matter what his reasoning or legal rights, she would fight Nathan on this issue if it came to it. He hadn’t been around for the past five years. She didn’t need him now.

  “Rainy, there’s something I want to tell you.”

  “You’re not getting custody of my son,” Rainy snapped. “You don’t have that right.”

  “No, no.” Nathan turned eyes wide. “I wouldn’t fight you on anything like that. He doesn’t even know who I am.”

  Rainy felt herself start to breathe again as all of her anger evaporated, and she stumbled. Strong arms steadied her as her shoulder brushed Na
te’s. “I’m sorry,” she stammered.

  “I just wanted you to know I’m moving back home.”

  Silence fell like a blow and Rainy gaped. “What? Why?”

  “Please, just hear me out.” Nathan’s eyes were pleading. “I know I have no right to ask to be a part of Lucas’s life. I left, I gave up my rights with my responsibility, but I’d like to help. I know it’s hard to believe, but I’m not the same man I was back then. I’ve changed and…” he paused meeting her gaze with a boldness he didn’t feel. “I want to live up to the responsibility I should have long ago.”