All-Nighters

by Meredith Taylor

  The teaching assistant walked around the room with the hat, her mousy features filled with glee at the chaos the announcement was causing. Each student reached in and took out a folded piece of paper in turn, unfolded it, and looked up at the projector’s screen to see which topic they had been assigned. Some of their expressions were happy, clearly relieved that they had gotten a topic they deemed easier, but one girl a few seats away from Jesse went completely white and looked like she was about to throw up. Jesse’s nerves intensified.

  Phillip whispered to him: “Please just pick the same number as mine. I can’t stand doing this with anyone else.” Phillip looked the way that Jesse felt, completely panic-stricken. The TA stood in front of Phillip and he reached into the hat, pulling out a number and opening it slowly. “Number four. Okay.” He looked up at the screen in front of him, and his eyes went wide: “Yes! Play therapy for children with mood disorders! You know how much I love child psychology! Brilliant!” Phillip raised his fists above his head in a gesture of triumph, completely insensitive to the poor students who had gotten much harder topics.

  Finally, it was Jesse’s turn. Please be number four, he thought, his eyes narrowed on the black hat in front of him. He reached in and took out the number. He was almost too afraid to open it, but he felt a mysterious sense that everything would work out okay. His anxiety subsided, and he opened the folded piece of paper. In bold he read the number six.

  Phillip looked over and saw his number, and exclaimed a tiny yelp: “No! Let’s quickly swap with someone else. Maybe we can find the other number four…” He looked around frantically, holding up his hand with four fingers raised. Prof. Ndlovu let out a bellow for them to all be quiet: “Enough! No swapping, you, in front! Mr. Erasmus! Turn around and hold on to the number that you picked. We don’t always get to decide who we want to work with as professional psychologists. Sometimes we have to deal with these unknowns and make the best of them. And that is exactly what you will do. Now, I will ask you all to get up and sit next to the person with the corresponding number to yours. Claudette will be checking to make sure that no numbers are exchanged.” Claudette grinned contentedly, her eyes scanning the room as she marched along the front of the classroom. She was always happy to carry out the evil bidding of Professor Ndlovu.

  Jesse stood up, his cheeks red with emotion. “I guess we have no choice,” he said to Phillip. He turned around and held up his number six. Maybe he would at least be able to work with someone competent. He looked to Marcia February behind him, one of the smartest students in the class, but she had already partnered up with someone. Everyone seemed to be finding their partners quickly, but Jesse still couldn’t spot the other number six. Next to him, Phillip had an excited grin on his face. “Ryan Attah is the other number four!” he squealed. “I finally have an excuse to talk to him!” Phillip waved enthusiastically at Ryan Attah and walked over to him.

  Jesse saw that most of the students were already sitting down with their partners and only a few were still scurrying around. Then it hit him. His eyes went to the far side of the room, near the entrance. Standing there, with a pained expression and holding a piece of paper with the other number six, was Luke Brennan.

  “You’ve got to be kidding me!” Jesse said, much louder than he had hoped to, and half of the class turned to look at him. His cheeks reddened even more and he bent his head down, skulking towards where Luke was standing. What were the chances? The one person he didn’t want to be partnered with ends up being his partner on the most important assignment of his undergraduate career. He shook his head and avoided eye contact with Luke as he sat down in the empty desk next to him.

  “Hi Jesse,” Luke said lamely, seeming completely dumbfounded by what was happening. “I… I don’t know how this happened. If you want, I can try and get a new partner.”

  “Just don’t talk right now,” Jesse interrupted. “You know Prof. Ndlovu won’t allow us to change partners. We j-j-j-just have to get through th-this.”

  Professor Ndlovu’s booming voice went through the classroom again: “Good, it looks like you have all found your partners. Claudette will take down the names of group members and topics, and you can use the rest of this session to start planning. The assignment will count fifty-percent of your grade for this course. The research reports will have to be handed in during the last week of class, and your presentations will take place over the course of the last Friday in three weeks’ time. If you have any questions I’ll come around to discuss the topics with you now. Work hard and do your best!”

  Jesse was livid. He would have to spend most of the next three weeks working on an assignment with Luke, an assignment that very well would be the determining factor on whether or not he was accepted into clinical training. His entire future was riding on the next three weeks, and he had to suffer through working with the arrogant, pompous guy who had treated him like dirt after making Jesse feel like he meant something more than just a one-night stand.

  Professor Ndlovu interrupted Jesse’s fuming thoughts to stress one last time: “Again, there will be absolutely no switching of assignments. You will stick with your partners until the end of the term.”

  Jesse and Luke sat uncomfortably next to each other in silence. Jesse’s face was locked in a furious scowl, and Luke’s discomfort was painfully apparent. Luke turned to him and said: “Listen, about Wednesday night…”

  “Don’t,” Jesse interrupted. “Let’s just get through this and focus on the work, okay?”

  They struggled to focus on their topic for the rest of the class, both wishing that they were just having a bad dream that they would wake up from at any moment. They weren’t ready to face the fact that it was all too real.

  Chapter 7

  Jesse and Phillip had booked a room in the library for three hours the following night, the maximum time allowed per booking, and they were sitting in the small study room around the circular table with their notes spread out in front of them.

  “I’m telling you, Jess,” Phillip started, his arms gesturing wildly in front of him and a look of unwavering certainty on his face, “Ryan Attah is a genius. The way he talks about the different theories… he’s just so impressive. We’ve only had one meeting but I’m glad I got him as my teammate for the assignment. I couldn’t be happier.” Phillip furrowed his brow and looked at Jesse: “No offense. I mean, I would’ve loved to be in a group with you. It’s just… it’s Ryan Attah! That gorgeous Adonis. Not that I’m only interested in his looks, of course.”

  Jesse couldn’t bring himself to enjoy Phillip’s antics the way he usually did. He was too distracted with thoughts of Luke. Why did he have to pick the same number that Luke had picked? He sighed deeply. “Just count yourself lucky that you don’t have to be in a group with Luke Brennan. I’m worried he’ll say something silly in front of the class during our presentation and jeopardize my grade. He doesn’t think before he speaks sometimes.” Jesse absentmindedly paged through the textbook in front of him. He was so distracted when he heard that he was teaming up with Luke that he hadn’t even focused on the topic of his assignment: discussing the link between social group setting and the development of confidence and self-efficacy. There were a lot of theories he could use for the topic, but he had been too flustered to discuss it with Luke. The best he could manage was to give Luke his number so that they could arrange a meeting once he had wrapped his head around everything.

  “Speaking of the presentation,” Phillip said, raising his eyebrow, “have you decided who’ll be doing the speaking? Aren’t you scared that you might stutter and not be able to get through the whole thing?”

  Jesse felt his cheeks heat up. “I’m not sure yet,” he said, embarrassed. “I don’t trust him to do a good job of it. I just need to practise as much as I can.” Even as he said it, Jesse knew that he wanted to avoid doing the presentation at all costs. His stutter had always held him back, especially when he was nervous. He was bullied at school because of it, so for the most
part he just kept quiet around other people and retreated into solitude. His dog Scampers was the only one he spoke to regularly, besides Phillip. The stutter almost completely disappeared when Jesse was comfortable around someone. Jesse decided when he was in high school, when his parents went through the worst of their fighting and he felt completely alone, that he wanted to become a psychologist so that he could help other young people who felt as isolated or invisible as he did. He had made up his mind that he wouldn’t let anything stand in his way, and he wasn’t prepared for his stutter to hold him back from reaching his dream.

  Phillip smiled a reassuring smile. “I’ll help you practise, Jess. Don’t worry. And if that jackass Luke flakes on you, I’ll be there to support you.” Even though Phillip could be insensitive, he was fiercely loyal to Jesse, and Jesse knew that he would have struggled much more at Ridgemont without Phillip as his friend.

  “Thanks, Phillip. We’ll ace this thing, I’m sure of it. A fifty-page report and a forty-five-minute presentation? We’ve got this!” Jesse said. He often had to be Phillip’s cheerleader when Phillip worked himself into a tailspin, but Jesse enjoyed the role. The only problem was that Jesse didn’t have anyone to help him calm his own anxiety when he was under as much pressure as the assignment was putting on him.

  “I know we’ll be okay. I’m not too worried about you. I’ll just have to make sure that I spend my time studying instead of staring into Ryan Attah’s eyes.” They both giggled and got back to the books. Jesse checked his watch. It was 10.15 pm. They still had the room booked for another 45 minutes. The library was open until 11 during test season, and it was still full even though it was that late in the night.

  Jesse rubbed his eyes and scratched at his dark blonde locks. He could feel the exhaustion of a full day of study catching up to him. He wished that he could crawl into bed, but he had to push through as much as he could. He’d probably have to pick up most of the slack that Luke would leave, knowing how flighty Luke was. Jesse had been thinking about Luke constantly since the night they had spoken in Percy’s Pub. Even though it annoyed him, his stomach involuntarily jumped every time he remembered Luke’s full lips and the gentle way he kissed. Luke had taken over his mind, and Jesse hated it. He shook his head and pressed his eyes closed tightly before focusing on his book again.

  Jesse’s phone vibrated on the desk next to him, and he felt his breathing freeze. Could it be Luke trying to arrange a study session so late on a Saturday night? Luke seemed to have a way of making an appearance whenever Jesse thought of him. He checked his phone, apologizing to Phillip for the interruption, and saw the name on the screen. It was a text from Martin.

  “Who is it?” Phillip asked. “Is it your arrogant fling ruining your night again?”

  Jesse’s head was buzzing. He hadn’t told Phillip that he was considering reconnecting with Martin. He didn’t think that Phillip would understand. All Phillip remembered was their bad times, when Martin was cheating on Jesse and ignoring his phone calls. Phillip had helped Jesse through many sleepless nights of crying over Martin. It seemed very unlikely that he would understand that Martin had changed, that he wasn’t the same guy that he was six months before. Jesse debated lying to him, but in the end he blurted out: “It’s Martin.” He felt his blood pressure rising as he said it. Jesse knew that Phillip would not take the news well.

  Phillip reacted exactly the way Jesse imagined he would, shouting the name so loudly that students outside looked at him through the glass partition that separated them from the rest of the library: “Martin? What is he texting you about? I thought he was out of our lives for good! What does it say?”

  Jesse realized that he was in too deep to pull back now. He had to tell Phillip everything. It was now or never, and he had to trust his best friend with such an important piece of information. “Okay, don’t freak out. Promise me you’ll hear me out before you say anything.” Jesse waited for Phillip to calm down.

  Phillip’s nostrils flared and his eyes were red with fury, but he spoke in a calm voice: “What’s going on, Jesse?”

  Jesse knew that there would be no way to explain it to Phillip. Phillip had seen the worst of what Martin had put Jesse through, so there was no reason for Phillip to trust Martin ever again. But Jesse had to try explaining it to his friend. “Martin sent me an email a few weeks ago. At first, you can imagine, I wanted to delete it without reading it, but I opened it anyway. He apologized and he said that even though he’s been with other guys, nothing ever compared to what we had. He said that he was the same Martin that I had fallen in love with two years ago. He regretted everything and he acknowledged that he was a jackass…”

  “A jackass!” Phillip interjected.

  “Yes, that’s what I said,” Jesse continued. “I haven’t agreed to give him another chance yet, but I’m thinking about it. We’ve had coffee and discussed everything. You know how much Martin meant to me… means to me. I just want to be sure before I make a decision one way or the other.”

  Phillip, surprisingly restrained, crossed his arms over his chest and said: “I can’t believe it took you this long to tell me, Jesse. I’m supposed to be your best friend. I’m telling you every detail of my blossoming relationship with Ryan Attah. I’m disappointed in you.”

  Jesse felt genuinely bad for hurting his friend. “I know I should have told you sooner. I just knew how you would react. I’ve done nothing but badmouth Martin over the past six months, but there’s a good side to him too. There’s a side that only I see. He accepts me just as I am.”

  Phillip turned to look at Jesse, sternness in his eyes: “Jesse, you’re an amazing guy. He’s lucky you even gave him the time of day. It’s not about him accepting you, it’s about what you’re willing to accept. A leopard and its spots or whatever, you know? He treated you badly for a long time. I was there to watch it happen. Not just the cheating. The way he talked to you like he was better than you. Like he was doing you a favor by being your boyfriend. You deserve so much more than that, Jesse.”

  Jesse frowned and lowered his head. “I wish you would understand, Phillip. I d-don’t get along with people v-very easily. I’m not like you. People gravitate towards you. Martin was the first guy to really show an interest in me, and he stuck with me. He deserves another shot. After a year and a half together, he deserves to at least have his side of the story heard.”

  “That’s your problem, Jesse,” Phillip said, gathering his books. The study session was clearly over. “You don’t believe that you need to be treated well. That’s why you don’t trust people. You think they’ll abandon you the way Martin did, and the way your parents did when they ignored you as a child. You don’t know how amazing you are.” Phillip’s voice was shaking and he couldn’t bring himself to look at Jesse as he put his books in his bookcase.

  Jesse’s eyes were low and his voice was deflated as he spoke: “You’re completely overreacting here, Phillip. This is a part of me trusting people and letting people in. I need to be able to forgive Martin. He really has changed.”

  “I hope so, for your sake,” Phillip said. “You know I’ll support you no matter what. I just don’t want to see you get hurt again. I’ve got a bad feeling about this, Jess. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I need to go clear my head.” Phillip walked out of the study room, leaving Jesse in silence.

  He checked his phone again and opened the message from Martin. Can I see you tonight? it read. He hesitated, holding his finger above the keypad. It was just after 10.30. What were Martin’s expectations? Jesse considered telling him that they should rather meet at another time, when they could both be level-headed about things. But he found his fingers typing: I’ll be over at your place in 20 minutes.

  Chapter 8

  Luke felt the hot water of the shower beat against his skin, enjoying the sensation. He rubbed soap over his slight frame and lathered it gently, closing his eyes tightly as he drank in the floral scents. He wanted to forget all of the thoughts of the day: the five ignored cal
ls from Stephanie; the voice message she left saying that she needed to see him, to talk to him about something that couldn’t wait; how he called her back, shouting that he never wanted to hear from her again. He wanted to forget about it all. He decided that he needed to go out again; even though campus was much quieter because of test season, there would still be many students out on a Saturday night. He closed the faucet and let the water drip from his body, hanging his head in the shower as he rested his hand against the wall in front of him. He enjoyed the sensory simplicity of the heat that coursed through his body.

  He got out of the shower, his naked body suddenly awakened by the chill in the air, and dried himself with a towel. He walked into the bedroom and caught a glimpse of himself in the mirror above his nightstand. His lean, solid frame looked ghostlike in the half-light. His pale complexion contrasted strongly with the scar that ran across his torso. A permanent reminder of that terrible night, and a symbol that he could never fully escape it, no matter how many adventures he went on or how many guys he used and tossed aside. He ran his finger along the scar, and an image flashed in his mind: the face he was trying so hard to forget. The loss so great he had to work constantly to numb it. The scar was a fading pink and brown line on his pale skin. He wished he could get rid of it.

  Luke dried himself completely and got dressed in his tight jeans and a black t-shirt. He chose a scent for the evening and styled his hair meticulously. His icy blue eyes and pink lips drew a stark contrast with his jet-black hair, even in the dim light. He would go to the outskirts of campus, to the livelier gay club called Hunters that was hidden away between lots of student apartments and shops. He enjoyed the seediness of the place, and the guys there were always up for a night of fun. He put a chain around his neck and found his phone on his nightstand. No more messages from Stephanie. Maybe she had taken the hint. He went to Busi’s number in his contact list and waited for his friend to answer.