Distance of the Heart

by Agnes H Hagadus

  In fact, Emily had always seemed to be about the love. She was about spreading happiness. She was about making those around her feel better about themselves. So her hateful, even murderous, thoughts towards Helen were foreign to her. In a way, they terrified her. Yet as she sat next to Tabby, she knew exactly why she was feeling them.

  It was simple. Emily was discovering she not only had the capacity to love, but also the capacity to hate. It wasn’t something she liked. And yet, she had never been in love before. She had never had a soulmate. She had never had a family to fight for.

  While she had had Abby and the rest of the Walker clan, it wasn’t like what Emily had felt the short time she’d been with Tabby and Nicky as a family. It was so different when you had a mate and a child, regardless if the child was your blood relative or was your adoptive child. She couldn’t describe the sensations she received when she thought of them as a family unit.

  And here someone was threatening, at least emotionally, to take all of that away from her. So yes Emily discovered a hate like she had never known. She discovered a protectiveness like no other. It was…It was another indescribable feeling. The sensation of protectiveness could be something she became accustomed to. The hate, not so much.

  “I guess we have a lot to talk about still.” Emily indicated the pirate ship. Tabby laughed. It wasn’t necessarily a pleasant laugh. It was obvious the stress was becoming too great for her as well. The therapist patted the ‘seat’ next to her. It was actually one of the benches positioned before the cannons. “We have at least another hour before the clinic will have the tests ready. Price of having to have them done on the weekend.”

  “Not the way I envisioned spending my Saturday with you.” Tabby held up her coffee cup. Her soulmate took the hint and clinked glasses together. “I guess I’ll start, since at the moment Helen seems to be the biggest impact on us.” She sighed heavily. A sad smile was on her face as one of Melissa’s famous breakfast burritos was slipped into her hand. “Thanks. I didn’t eat last night after the news. And I couldn’t get Nicky to eat this morning.”

  Azure eyes closed. It was the worst part about the entire situation. Not that two soulmates were hurting, though that sucked big time too. It was how all of this was going to affect Nicky. And not just in the short-term, either. As a mother and therapist, Emily knew that the long-term ramifications could be grave for the young boy. “I wasn’t up for eating, even though I took Rick to the diner.”

  “I want to know more about your brother. I want to know more about your parents.” Tabby took a tentative bite of her breakfast burrito, hoping beyond hope that her stomach wouldn’t rebel the healthy wrap. “I want to talk about us. The way Helen is causing conflict between us. And I want to ask your opinion about what to do with Nicky.”

  “The only issue I have with Helen is the fact she has hurt you in the past and might continue into the future.” Emily placed her hand on Tabby’s thigh. She wanted to move it higher, but knew they needed to talk before anything could happen between them. “As for Nicky, I think it’s just a matter of time. Once everything is settled in California, I can come home. We can think about moving in together. He’ll see I’m here to stay. That I’m not going anywhere.”

  “That does sound like a plan. It’s just so…” Tabby felt like her lungs were going to implode with all the sighing she seemed to be doing as of late. She covered the hand upon her leg. Part of her wanted to encourage Emily to move it closer to her need, but knew now was not the time. She only hoped soon that it would be time. She wouldn’t rush it, however.

  “It seems we don’t have as much to talk about as I thought.” Emily took a sip of her coffee. “Except I do have to explain about that text. I was going through them and noticed one I hadn’t sent. It was stupid of whoever, most likely Lena, to not delete the message.” The therapist set her coffee beside her before turning to her lover.

  Emily took both her soulmate’s hands in her own. “I don’t know anything about her. Mom and Dad hired her after I left. I haven’t been back, as you know, in nearly a decade.” Emerald captured azure. The twinkling orbs held one another’s gaze. “All I know is that she flirted with me the very first day I was there. I promise you I did nothing to encourage her. Although…”

  “You flirted.” Emily couldn’t look at her soulmate. The connection had been broken when she couldn’t face what she did. “Emily, please look at me.” The therapist sighed before finding the courage to once again look her girlfriend in the eyes. Tabby had a sad smile on her face. “I’d watched you flirting. You flirt with almost everyone you meet, male or female.”

  The chuckled couldn’t be contained. Emily shook her head. “Mother always said I was one of the biggest flirts she had ever known.” The smile that had momentarily graced her features quickly faded. “She also told me I’d be a great disappointment to her. I guess that’s true. After all, she could have taken her last breath and I and Rick are both here in Middletown.”

  When Tabby placed a hand on her arm, Emily pulled away. It wasn’t roughly. It didn’t need to be. The grasp had been tentative. It was almost as if the nurse knew if she held on too tight, it might actually push the therapist away. “It’s a burden I have to live with. It’s a burden I didn’t ask for. But at the same, it’s something I wish…”

  Emily’s cellphone rang at that moment, as did Tabby’s. They both knew what that most likely meant. Each answered their respective phone calls. Sure enough, it was the clinic informing them the test results were back. The therapist hated to waste food, but she was no longer in the mood to eat. Perhaps once they knew there was the all clear they could have lunch later together. Or maybe dinner.

  After all, Emily only had one or two more days back in Middletown. And that was if she was lucky. Something could happen to send her back sooner. Mitch or Sam could find something. One, or both, of her parents could pass away. If that were to happen, it would make her stay extensive. There was so much to sort through, just because of the business.

  “My appointment is at eleven.” Emily sat back taking the last sip of the coffee Tabby had purchased for her. She was tempted to reach for the thermos and pour herself yet another coffee. Whether the results were positive or negative, it was going to be a long day. And most likely she wouldn’t be able to spend it with her girlfriend.

  “Mine is at eleven-thirty.” Tabby also drained the last of her coffee. Her body was craving the caffeine. And yet she knew with the added stress Helen had caused, she needed to fortify herself. Not only from becoming sick physically, but emotionally. If her blood sugar became too low, she could become emotional. Definitely could become crabby.

  “What if we have lunch together afterwards?” The words were said in near unison. Emily laughed. It felt good to do so. “I guess great minds think alike. I assume Nicky is to spend the entire day with the Walkers?” Tabby nodded. “Well then, no matter what the results, let’s make a day of it. We’ll start with a light lunch. Then see if there are any afternoon matinees. And perhaps dinner and a nightcap?”

  Was she pushing things too fast? Emily wanted this more than she could put into words. It wasn’t the physical part of the relationship she missed so much, though she did miss being intimate with her soulmate. It was spending time together. Just talking as they shared a meal, watched television, went for a walk or a drive.

  It was the little things that she missed. Emily knew they were the most important things to reestablish before they could even think of being intimate once again. The kisses were one thing. If they were to rush into making love once again, it could actually harm their relationship in the long run. It was the last thing the therapist wanted.

  “I definitely would like the lunch and movie.” Tabby began playing with her Styrofoam coffee cup. Without a word, Emily took the cup and removed the lid. She retrieved her thermos and filled both of their cups before handing it back. It already had a touch of sweetener in it. Luckily, both took their coffees the same way.

&n
bsp; “I just don’t know if dinner and a nightcap is an option.” Tabby took a sip of her coffee. She began to play with the label once again. They still had over half an hour before it was time for Emily’s appointment. “I mean; I don’t know when Nicky will be home. And I don’t know what you exactly meant by ‘nightcap’. If it’s…I don’t think I’m ready for that.”

  Emily placed her coffee down. Not caring she was wearing shorts and the pine chips might dig into her knees, the therapist knelt before her girlfriend. “While I have a healthy sexual appetite, making love is the farthest thing from my mind.” When Tabby chuckled softly, Emily quickly amended her declaration. “Ok. Maybe not the furthest thing from my mind.”

  Azure eyes went to the breasts that were nearly at perfect level. The gaze lowered to the center that Emily could feel heat radiating from. Her mouth went dry in anticipation. It took a moment of concentrating and deep breaths for her to focus her mind once again. It wasn’t easy only sitting next to her soulmate and resisting her, let alone being this close to her womanhood.

  “As attractive as you are, and the keeper of my soul, I can contain myself. I can focus on what is most important.” Their eyes met and locked once again. “The most important thing in this world is forging a family once again. I have to admit. I’m jealous of Sam and Abby. Not just because they are already married, but because even before that they were a true family. And have only become a greater family with the addition of Miss Alex.”

  Tabby pulled her soulmate so that she was once again sitting next to her. Gently, the pine chips were brushed from the knees. “I feel the same way. It’s what I’ve always wanted.” Emerald eyes closed. “It’s what I thought I had before.” There were tears forming in those emerald eyes. “Why wasn’t it you I met first?”

  It was a question Emily had asked many times. It was a question she knew Abby and Sam both asked. Why had they met when they had? There was so much heartache that could have been avoided if both soulmates had met at different times. And yet, it was something her best friend and her wife had come to terms with. It was there time in this lifetime. Like they had met before and would meet again in the next lifetime.

  “I’ve learned a lot of things from the trials and tribulations of Sam and Abby.” Emily maintained the eye contact. “Life isn’t always pleasant. Life can make you cry. But in the end, as long as you hold onto one another, you’ll one day find that happy ever after.” As their gaze held, Tabby couldn’t help the tear that escaped. Emily gently brushed it away.

  “I think it’s time.” Emily hated to break up the emotional moment. There was something just as important that they needed to face together. Tabby nodded. “Do you want to ride in my car? Or we could meet at the clinic. It’s up to you.” There were decisions they would need to make together. There would be decisions they had to make separately. Such was the life of a couple.

  “I’d like to ride with you.” Tabby held out her hand. Emily didn’t hesitate a moment in taking the proffered hand. It was more than a hand. It was yet another gesture. One that told the therapist that trust was slowly being established once again. The worst thing for them would be when Emily had to return to Sacramento. Sadly, without her soulmate or her son.

  It was a quiet ride to the clinic. What more was there to say? So much depended on the results they were about to receive. Traffic for a Saturday nearing noon was surprisingly light. Emily figured most were away for the weekend. It was mid-June and the weather was perfect for getting away. How she wished she could get away.

  Even though her appointment was at eleven and it was now ten after, Emily sat waiting. She was grateful she didn’t have to wait alone. “Do you think…?” Tabby trailed off. While they were making a renewed commitment to one another, Emily having flown back just for the weekend, was it too much to ask they accompany one another while they were told the results?

  “Miss Dunst?” The nurse called from behind the Plexiglas window. Emily stood. When she turned to look at her soulmate, she could see the look of dejection on her face. When her hand was offered, the look instantly changed to grateful. There was also love on that beautiful face. They walked towards the door, hand in hand. “I’m sorry. Only family members or those given special permission allowed.”

  “Then give us both forms.” Emily stood a little taller as she maintained her grip on her soulmate’s hand. “We’re both nurses, or I was. We know the drill. If not a blood relative or by marriage, one is not considered family. She’s my girlfriend. That means whatever the results are for both of us, it affects both of us. So again, give us whatever paperwork and we’ll be happy to accompany you to the back for both of our results.”

  The nurse, taller than Emily, but even skinnier, looked flummoxed at the speech. Or was it with such assuredness that she had spoken. Either way, it was clear she wasn’t used to dealing with someone like Emily. The therapist wasn’t used to being so sure of herself. At least not since the rift had occurred between her and Tabby.

  “They are girlfriends, that’s good enough for me.” Emily looked past the tall nurse to see a short, blond haired man. In a way, he reminded her a little of a shorter Jeff. “I’ll show the ladies to the office. Why don’t you see to the next patient, Sue?” It was clear it wasn’t a question. Sue nodded her head, once again looking Emily up and down as if she wasn’t certain she was real or not.

  “If you ladies will follow me.” The doctor didn’t wait for a response. He simply took off at quite the clip. It took everything they had to keep up with the short man. He held the door open for them. “Please, Miss Dunst and Miss Smith, have a seat. You’ll have to forgive Sue. She worked under the previous administration.”

  Emily suddenly remembered something that had happened with her best friend. It was shortly after it had been discovered Sam was alive. Abby had been fired. There had been falsified documentation to support the dismissal. Everyone knew that it was because of someone, a mobster, from Sam’s past. And yet they had gotten away with it. Or perhaps not.

  “And she’s afraid of not following the strict letter of the rules, especially when it comes to patient confidentiality.” Now Emily knew for certain it was as she thought. This was a new doctor. Perhaps a new owner to the clinic. “Let’s get down to business. It was so late last evening when all three of you came in. Sorry you had to wait so long. I assume it’s also all right to discuss your son’s test results?”

  Tabby nodded. She couldn’t find her voice. The thought of what it would mean for young Nicky if she was to test positive. And what kind of life would someone so young lead? It was Emily who managed to find her voice. “We’d appreciate it if you could tell us so we can either celebrate or seek counseling.”

  The words were ironic and she knew it. Emily was new to being a therapist and didn’t want to attempt any self-counseling. It had already been a tad taboo when she had helped her best friend and family deal with some extremely emotional issues. So far, she had done more good than harm and intended to keep it that way.

  “I like your directness.” The fairly young doctor smiled before opening each of the paper files before him. “Miss Dunst, your test came back negative. We’ll still, with your permission, send it out for further testing. While false negatives aren’t as common as false positives, we’d still like to be certain.”

  “You do that. I’ll sleep better knowing that the initial test results were negative.” Emily sighed. It was partially with relief for herself. But she could feel negative energy building up inside of her. As if everything else slowed down, she allowed one thought to cross her mind. It wouldn’t matter whether Tabby was positive or not. She would still make a relationship with her. She would still make love with her.

  “Since most mother’s concern is for their child; I’ll tell you that Nicky is also negative.” The doctor saw the tears in emerald eyes. The kiss shared between the two lovers didn’t surprise him. It did embarrass him, if only because any displays of public affection embarrassed him. “And you are also
negative. Again, with your permission, we’ll send them out to have them double-checked. But with the first test being negative, all three of you should be fine.”

  Another kiss was shared. Emily and Tabby began to stand. They both sank back onto their respective chairs; their legs too weak to support them. “I have to ask as a health provider, why was it you wanted to be tested? If it were simply the two of you, I’d assume you are new to the relationship. But to include a boy so young is unusual.”

  Tabby took a deep breath, holding it for a moment. It was a stall. Even after knowing she had physically struck Emily and had possibly struck out in a hateful way, something held her back from naming Helen as the reason. Yet what if? What if Helen had been lying only to cause more harm? The emotional stress, even if only overnight, had been great for the already emotional soulmates.

  But the bigger and deadlier what if was if Helen had been speaking the truth? Would she inform her new partners? Would she be one of the vindictive ones? Would she intentionally place someone else in harm’s way? There was no way Tabby could take that chance. There was no way she could live with herself. Just the thought someone else might be placed through the emotional upheaval she and Emily had was enough to make her physically ill.

  “I don’t know where she lives anymore, but my ex Helen Doxtin showed up several days ago.” Tabby was fidgeting nervously. Strong, sure hands covered her own. Their eyes met once again, giving her this untold strength. Emerald eyes fixed on the doctor. “She was staying at the bed and breakfast before the incident yesterday. There was a confrontation and she told us she was HIV positive. Whether it’s true or not, I don’t know.”

  “I see.” The doctor leaned back. He sighed heavily. The law was clear. Since Helen had only claimed to have HIV and the contact information was nonexistent, there wasn’t much he could legally do. “I can report your case and who your partner was that informed you that she was positive. But with the minor details you’ve given me, I’m not certain anything can be done.”