Fashionably Dead Down Under (Hot Damned Series, Book 2)

by Robyn Peterman

  “Yes,” Satan agreed, “but not impossible.”

  “Grandpa said there are three empty spaces,” I lied, not wanted to reveal that I’d read that fact in the book. “Do those True Immortals exist yet?”

  Satan gave me an odd stare for a moment and then shrugged. “Possibly, but I’m not quite sure. No one is. It is something we are all trying to discover. The worry is that the new Immortals could tip the balance.”

  “And that would be bad.”

  “Very.” Satan’s pacing stopped and his hand went back to his hair. “Losing any one of the True Immortals would upset the balance. Those ramifications would not just be felt in Heaven and Hell… they would decimate your world as you know it. This is far bigger than a missing Sword.”

  “Why in the hell are we the only ones looking for it?” I was shocked. I would think everyone would be freaking out… not eating pancakes and making lunch dates.

  “No one else knows yet,” he said and sat back down.

  “Your mother and father know,” I told him.

  “Yes.” He nodded wearily. “But God and the Angels don’t.”

  “What about the Woman?”

  He stared at the ceiling lost in thought for a moment and then rejoined us. “No one knows where she is.”

  Now there was a story I was sure I wouldn’t be privy to. “How do you know one of them didn’t take it?”

  “Because every time it’s gone missing, it’s some idiot in Hell trying to overthrow me.” He heaved a put upon sigh. “As much as I love deception and liars, it does get exhausting.”

  I rolled my head and tried to piece together what he had said and I realized it was a whole bunch of nothing. “Do you have any leads? I don’t even know the territory here. How do you expect us to find the damn thing?”

  “I know it’s in Hell. I can feel it and I am sure that someone very close to me is the culprit.”

  A chill tickled my spine and I hated Hell just a little more than I did seconds ago. He was asking me to destroy a Demon close to him or, God the pansy ass forbid, a family member.

  “No,” I said. “I won’t kill anyone that’s not trying to kill me or Ethan or… ” Shit. My reasoning didn’t hold up. I would kill someone trying to kill Dixie, Grandpa, Gigi, and even the Devil himself. Was it the pregnancy hormones or was I losing it?

  “It has very little to do with an individual life, Astrid. It has to do with the delicate balance of good and evil. Without it, none of us exist.”

  “So if we don’t get it back, the world will end,” I rolled my eyes and in frustration picked up my napkin again. I’d try for a simple fan this time.

  “I’m disappointed at your simplistic thinking,” he tsked. “Of course the world wouldn’t blow up and be over. It’s far more insidious than that. It would slowly morph into a place so filled with confusion and the inability to distinguish right and wrong, it would implode upon itself eventually. Most likely during the lifetime of your son.”

  That gave both Ethan and I huge pause, but how was I to be sure my uncle wasn’t lying? “I would think all that debauchery would make you happy,” I snapped.

  “Then you don’t know me at all. While I might lack in morals, I am not an evil man.”

  I snorted.

  “Yes.” He grinned at me. “Some may disagree with my self-assessment, but I speak the truth… this time. I am simply the keeper of those who choose the dark side. I do not force or coerce man to do evil. He doesn’t need my help for that. I do thrive on it and punish it, but someone has to or the balance would be broken.”

  “He makes perfect sense,” Ethan said.

  I shot him a surprised glance. “You think we should do this?”

  “Honestly, I don’t think he’s giving us a choice.” He said exactly what I had started to think. “But I do think we cut a bargain with him. I don’t trust that he will let us leave even if we find the Sword.”

  “If we do this, what do we get in return?” I asked Satan, who was very aware Ethan and I could communicate telepathically.

  “What do you want?” he asked, back in his element of wheeling and dealing.

  I thought about it carefully. Wording was important. My Uncle was a master manipulator and I was not… What could I get that would be beneficial to my world and my child in the long run that wouldn’t fuck up the balance?

  “Well, I want my natural hair color back.” I heard Ethan drop his head back and moan.

  “I’m not done yet,” I hissed and elbowed him. “We want to go home with no strings attached. You have to give us back our weapons. You will visit your mother on a regular basis—meaning weekly. You will delve into the minds of those Demons that my father ruined and if they seek forgiveness, you will end them.”

  “You’re asking me to bend the rules of Hell.” His voice was low and angry.

  “No,” I countered. “I have no issue with how you handle your sinning souls. That’s your prerogative, but the Demons my father lied to and blackmailed… different matter.”

  “Their souls are not clear.”

  “True,” I agreed, “but they never had a chance. Never.”

  “You drive a hard bargain, niece.” He laughed and clapped Ethan on the back. “You are a very lucky Vampyre to have garnered her favor.”

  “I agree,” Ethan said.

  “So?” I asked. “Do we have a deal?”

  He took a seat next to me and I was overwhelmed by his beauty and power. Who did I think I was to bargain with the Devil? I was a blip in time compared to him… hell, I was a blip in time compared to my mate. I should have let Ethan negotiate. Shit.

  “I shall agree with all but one point,” he said. His proximity was intoxicating and I found myself leaning toward him. “No weapons.”

  WTF?

  “You will only need your magic here. Have you seen any weapons in Hell?” he asked.

  Thinking hard, I realized I hadn’t. I would think Hell would be armed to the teeth.

  “We have no weapons here. We have no use for them. They are made to kill. Magic can do both, but there is a choice. Weapons leave little choice.”

  “Jesus, that’s profound,” I muttered.

  “Actually, he is.” Satan nodded in agreement.

  “Wait. What?” I was completely confused.

  “Your cousin, Jesus. He’s quite profound. I like him. Now his father is another story… sanctimonious shit.”

  “You have a deal,” Ethan said quietly. “We will return your Sword and then we will leave. Forever.”

  “Astrid?” Satan stared at me.

  “Yes. Yes, you have a deal.”

  He stood and moved to leave the room. “Oh, there is one more little thing.”

  Of course there was.

  “We need to return the Sword to its home before my brother God graces Hell with his pansy ass for lunch.”

  “And that would be when?” I asked, hoping he wouldn’t say today.

  “In three days on the lunar eclipse,” he replied. “The son of a bitch will be here in three days.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  “We have three days to save the world. It sounds like the plot of a cheesy action flick,” I groaned and flopped down on the couch in our little guesthouse.

  “I think it’s a test,” Ethan mused.

  “A test?” I sat up and watched him move around the room. The fluidity of his movement and his ass in his jeans made me want to jump him, but there was no time for nookie right now.

  “For you,” he said. “Satan is testing you for some reason.”

  “Do you think the Sword of Death hasn’t really gone missing?”

  He sat down next to me and absently played with my red locks. “I think things are happening to you here and he is testing your ability. I do believe someone has taken the Sword, but it’s gone missing before and he got it back. I find it interesting that he wants you to do it.”

  “Us,” I corrected him.

  “No, I’m incidental to him. His real inter
est is in you and I don’t like it.”

  “Well, I’m not particularly happy about it either.”

  “Come here,” he said.

  I crawled onto his lap and looked at the man who was so much more to me than a mate. Gently, I ran my fingers over his perfect lips. Our connection went beyond sexual; it was elemental—necessary. Staring at him, I forgot where I ended and he began. Unsure what higher power even meant anymore, I instead thanked the stars, the sun and the moon for giving him to me.

  “I love you, my Vampyre,” I whispered as I lay my head in the crook of his neck.

  “And I you,” he said.

  “Where do we even start to look?” I murmured as I snuggled closer.

  “There are several family functions over the next few days,” General George bellowed from the doorway.

  “Oh my God,” I shrieked, flying off Ethan and the couch, causing me to trip over the coffee table. “Does anybody in Hell knock?”

  “Door was open,” he informed me.

  “No,” I told him. “It wasn’t.”

  His eyebrows flapped in laughter. “Fine. I picked it,” he conceded. “But we have work to do.”

  “We?”

  “Why of course, dear child. You didn’t think our great ruler would send you into the trenches blind. Did you?” He moseyed into the living room and headed for the kitchen. “You have anything to eat here?”

  “No clue,” I muttered and watched him negotiate the room with amazing grace for such a huge monster. “I don’t eat food. Is Bambi here?”

  “No, she went to Nirvana to make sure Mother Nature hasn’t killed your grandfather.”

  “Is that a possibility?” I asked, horrified.

  “No.” He chuckled. “But she has been known to incapacitate him for a few months due to her… uh, creativity.”

  “TMI.” I shook my head and followed him to the kitchen. “What do you want?”

  “Veggies, fruit or ice cream,” he said, making himself comfortable.

  “You really don’t eat meat?” I asked as I searched the fridge.

  “No, clogs the arteries.”

  I found some celery and oranges. “But you’re immortal, aren’t you?”

  “Yes, but no reason to muck up the system,” he said as he shoved three oranges into his large mouth, peel and all.

  “Come to think of it, Satan had no meat on his table this morning either,” Ethan said, watching in fascination as the General threw back six more oranges and three bunches of celery at the same time.

  “We think alike on many matters,” the General explained.

  I was amazed that he ate with his mouth and spoke through his eyebrows, but thought it might be rude to point it out. “Can he speak to you like we can?” I asked as I handed him some apples I found on the counter.

  “Thank you, dear. And yes, of course he can speak with me. He created me, in a way.”

  “You gonna expand on that?” I asked and contemplated licking an apple just to see if it tasted like butt.

  “Nope.” He grinned with both his brows and his full mouth.

  “Figures. So, family functions?”

  He finished chewing, swallowed and graced us with a burp to end all burps. Thankfully it smelled like brownies. “Yes, there will be a formal dinner this evening. Tomorrow there will be a fight exhibition followed by a concert by a Journey cover band. And of course on the day of lunar eclipse there will be the lunch with God.”

  He had almost rendered me speechless with the Journey cover band thing, but the fight exhibition and the impending lunar eclipse were more alarming. “What kind of fighting?”

  “Hand to hand. No magic,” he said.

  “That sounds interesting,” Ethan chimed in.

  “Nope,” I told him, moving on to the next item on my agenda. “The lunar eclipse… ”

  “Yes, dear?” George replied.

  “That’s significant, isn’t it?” I said. “It’s when the Sword of Death can be used to kill a True Immortal. Right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Does your master have nefarious plans for his brother? Is that why he’s given me three days to find the damn thing?” I was mad. Satan was a douche and I was done. I refused to be an accessory to offing God.

  “My goodness, what an imagination you have!” The General laughed heartily. “Satan and God are not the closest of siblings, but neither one would kill the other. Ever. It would upset the balance more than the Sword being missing. Plus, they’d have to answer to Mother Nature.” George shuddered and grunted in terror.

  I considered what he said, but I wasn’t sure who to trust anymore. I adored George, but he did work for Satan.

  “Sometimes you have to go with your gut,” Ethan said.

  “What if my gut is wrong?” I asked. “There’s kind of a lot riding here.”

  “True. How about go with your heart instead of your gut,” he suggested.

  “Shit,” I muttered and he grinned.

  My heart said to trust George. This entire thing would be a little easier to swallow if the fate of the world wasn’t resting on it. A tiny flutter in my stomach made me catch my breath. Our baby was letting me know I was correct. Holy Heaven and Hell, what was I giving birth to? Would he even need me? He was so much wiser than me already. I cupped my slightly rounded belly with my hands and gently rubbed. The warm feeling of my son’s contentment washed away my fear of inadequacy. He needed me as much as I needed him.

  “Okay,” I told George. “I believe you. Let’s go get this shit done.”

  “Patience, my child. I made a promise to you and I intend to keep it.” George shook his bulbous head sadly.

  “What promise?” Ethan asked.

  George said nothing, but he didn’t have to. I remembered.

  “He said he would take me to my mother.”

  “No,” Ethan said adamantly. “Absolutely not.”

  I put my hand on his arm. “Ethan, this is not for you to decide. I need to see her once more. Please understand.”

  Ethan paced the small kitchen in frustration and ran his hands through his hair. “Can her mother hurt her?” he demanded of George.

  “Not physically,” he answered.

  “I don’t like this, Astrid,” he said. He leaned back on the counter and shoved his hands in his pockets. “If you go I will go with you.”

  He had seen most of me, but he hadn’t seen the pathetic child who still longed for her mother’s love. I wasn’t sure I could take him knowing.

  “I have seen her. I’ve seen her in your mind and that’s why I don’t want you to put yourself through that again,” he said quietly, staring at the ceiling. “I love you—all of you. The little girl inside you breaks my heart. If you go… I will go with you. Period.”

  “Okay,” I whispered. “Okay.”

  “Put your hands on my back,” the General instructed. “This will not hurt… much.”

  General George was right. It was far less violent than my last trip to the Basement. Ethan looked a bit shaken up, but he wanted to come. Oh crap. I glanced down at my outfit and cringed. I should have changed into a dress before seeing my mother. While I loved the vintage jeans, combat boots and fitted black t-shirt I wore, I knew she would not find me up to snuff. Although I didn’t even think a designer ball gown would help much in this instance.

  I recognized where we were. It was the same place I’d ended the Demons. Surprisingly, I didn’t feel sick… I actually felt peace with what I had done.

  “Are you ready?” George asked.

  “No, but that doesn’t matter.” I stepped toward the crevasse. The lights wailed and bounced. “How do I find her?”

  “Call to her,” he said.

  Could it be that easy? Would she just be a light or would she look like my mother? I hoped if she looked human, she wouldn’t be on fire. Fuck, this wasn’t a good idea.

  “If you’ve changed your mind we could… ”

  “No.” I cut George off and took two steps closer to t
he flames. I was amazed that the heat of the blazing fire didn’t affect me. I searched for a happy memory of my mother from the past and couldn’t find one. Was I a classic abuse victim coming back for more? Maybe, but I wanted one last try to make her hear me. I didn’t need her love anymore, but I wanted her to know I loved her—as damaged as she was.

  “Astrid,” Ethan called from behind me.

  My hand flew up to stop him. This was my battle and mine alone. “Mother?”

  Nothing.

  “Mother?” I called again. Wait. What in the hell was I thinking? She didn’t like being my mother. In life she rarely let me call her mother. She didn’t want people to think she was old… “Petra, it’s me—your daughter. Astrid.”

  The fire grew wilder and I was tempted to step back, but I held my ground. I was certain it couldn’t hurt me. The soul lights screeched and moaned and then went silent. It was so abrupt, I gasped… and then she appeared. Her beauty was undiminished, but bright orange burning embers clung to her. She was completely naked, but the only part of her that wasn’t blurred with red haze was her face. She twisted and writhed as if in pain, but she smiled. Was she happy to see me? My heart lodged in my throat.

  “Hi,” I whispered.

  She stared and said nothing. I wasn’t sure she knew who I was. The other souls darted around her, but stayed silent.

  “What do you want?” she demanded in a voice tinged with insanity.

  That was an excellent question. Now that I faced her, I was no longer sure.

  “I wanted to see you… to see if you were all right.” My voice sounded child-like and timid. I gouged my nails into my thighs to punish myself for still needing her to want me.

  “How do you think I am?” she hissed. “I was meant to lead—to rule. He promised me,” she screamed. Her body became clearer and I realized she was covered in profusely bleeding cuts. I put my hand over my mouth so I wouldn’t cry out. Her formerly perfect outside was now as damaged as her inside.

  “Have you seen him?” she asked with excitement. “I’ve been waiting for him to take me out of here, but he’s late.”

  “No,” I said, trying to swallow back tears. “I haven’t seen him.”

  “He’ll come back and this time I’ll behave. I’ll kill everyone he wants me to and I will behave,” she promised. She panted like a dog and swatted at the soul lights. “Leave me,” she shouted at the flickering souls. “I’m talking to a woman who knows my lover. She will help me escape.”