Case of the Poodle Doodle

by Erik Schubach

  It was true, and the concept excited me. Perhaps I could put a whole key rack for all of us up there, then label each hook and... I blinked at her when she froze then started stepping quickly to me. “You've been crying. What's wrong? Did Jane arrest you again, if she did I'll...”

  I chuckled as she hugged me to her bosom protectively, stroking my hair, “No, Jane didn't do anything.” I added to myself silently, “Yet.” Then admitted, “I was just thinking how sad it was for the children who aged out of either foster care or children's homes without a family of their own.”

  She chuckled sadly, “You sometimes care too much, walker-girl.”

  I mumbled into her chest, “I need air, I'm suffocating in boobages here, Red.”

  She released me and said, “Hey, these are grade A quality boobages, lady.”

  “I'll take your word for it.”

  She countered as she pulled out her cell, “Ker has posted about them on Instagram, let me show...”

  I held up a halting hand, a grin on my face, “I don't need to see the pornographic things you and my childhood friend post up there.” I reached out and placed a hand on her arm and gave it a squeeze in thanks. I knew what she was doing and it had worked, she had knocked me out of my head, out of the melancholy feelings. And I loved her for that. Under her brash exterior was a heart of gold that she was embarrassed to show.

  She gave me a slight nod and smile then headed to her room, calling back, “What's for dinner Finnegan? It smells heavenly, like fresh baked bread.”

  “Lasagna and dinner rolls. I'll prep a salad to make sure you eat some veggies.” I mimicked the sour face I knew she was making in her room as she changed out of the trendy clothes she wore at work and into something more comfortable. She was a meat and potatoes... and vodka, kind of girl.

  “Eww...”

  “You'll eat it and you'll like it.”

  “Yes... mom.”

  I grinned at her door. Yup, I was training them all up real good. I glanced up as the front door opened and Ker stepped in in the uniform she wore at the Box, the Air Force recruiting station she manned at Time's Square.

  She was already stripping out of it as she headed to her room, “Hi Calvin, Hi Tempe...” She altered course, “You've been crying.”

  Jess stepped out in sweatpants and a torn tee, looking like a model instead of the frump I'd look in the same thing. Ker pointed at her as she pulled me into a gleeping hug, “Did the snarky one say something? I can end her for you.”

  Belying the statement, Jess reached us and kissed her wife before stealing an olive from the salad fixings I had pulled out then heading to the couch. I said as Ker released me, “No, I was just thinking about sad things.”

  Kerry looked me up and down then said, “Speaking of sad things, you should see the picture my wifey texted me today.”

  She started pulling out her cell and I giggled out, “Do you two share the same, how to cheer up a Finnegan manual?”

  Jess called out from the couch where she and Calvin had settled in to watch the news. “We found it under your bed, laminated and labelled.”

  Ker chuckled, poured some coffee, then headed toward her room as she added, “It was beside the thirty seven volume abridged Finnegan Instruction Manual that Jane uses.”

  I grumped out, “I hate you both.” There wasn't really a manual under my bed was there? Grrr. Now I'd have to check before going to bed, even though I know they are teasing. It's just the way my head works and they know it.

  Then I betrayed my words when Jess called out, “Love you, Fin,” while Ker-Bear sang out behind her door, “Love you, Tempe,” and I had to reply with, “Love you too, girls. You're mean.”

  I finished the salad prep and put the bowl in the fridge and brought two cups of coffee to the living room and handed Jess one as I plopped on the couch and put me feet up on her lap. “Pamper me.”

  The red headed amazon smirked and rubbed my sore feet with one hand as she sipped the coffee with her other, her eyes on the news. Then Kerry came out in sweat pants and a belly shirt that had text which read, “Woof!” She tapped my breastbone and I levered up so she could sit and I laid my head on her lap.

  I asked, my brow furrowed, “Hey, is that my shirt?” It had been a gag gift from my cousin Polly a couple years back.

  She sipped her coffee and looked down and said, “Yup. Now hush, sweetie, the news is on.” She played with my long tresses as she watched the TV. I just snuggled in to be pampered by my two besties. Can life get any better than this?

  After the news, we shared our days. Which was a mistake. I squinted an eye as Jessie said, “Are you crazy Fin? He could have hurt you.”

  Ker added as I sat up, “He's already attacked...”

  I stopped her, “I don't think he attacked anyone. My gut tells me he's telling the truth.”

  She blinked, “Your gut? Do you know...”

  We all looked back as we heard keys in the door and Calvin leapt off the couch on Jess' other side and ran up to greet Jane as she stepped in, his tail swishing like a tornado. Ker said to me, “Good.” Then called out to Jane before anyone could talk, “Can you talk some sense into your woman, McLeary?”

  Jane was smiling in a predatory manner, “She told you did she?” I gulped.

  Finnegan was in troooouble.

  I looked to the women on either side of me, they were no help. I squeaked out in question, “Sorry?”

  Jane moved to the kitchen, moving with measured steps and pulled down the lock box from above the refrigerator and said calmly, “Let's not talk until I lock this away.” She pulled her service weapon out and placed it into the lock box and put it back in its cupboard. Then she turned to look at me, “Oh honey, I'm home.”

  By the seven canine lords of Nebula B, “Help me?” Nobody helped me. At least I got a reprieve when she veered off course to pour a cup of coffee. Jess and Ker slipped off the couch and onto the love seat, Jess on Ker's lap, arms around her neck, and they looked on with glee, like they had the prime seats for a headliner cage match.

  She set her coffee mug on a coaster, then sat next to me and gave me a chaste peck on the lips, “Hello, love.”

  I popped off the couch and blurted, “Saved by the bell,” as I motored over toward the kitchen.

  She chuckled and started, “What do you mean, saved...” The buzzer on the stove timer went off and I gave her a smug look as I pointed at it. The three women chuckled.

  I said as I pulled the rolls out first then the lasagna. “Get to the table or starve.” I pointed at Jane as she approached, “Go wash your hands. I know how clean the precinct is.”

  She chuckled out, “Yes, ma'am.”

  The Red Riding Hood gallery told me as she smirked while taking her favorite chair, “That isn't going to make her go any easier on you, pipsqueak.”

  I denied her doom prophecy as I brought the rolls to the table. “I have fresh bread,” then I slapped Kerry's grabby hand when she tried to pilfer one before everyone was seated. I pointed at her as she pretended to nurse her hand. “You know the rules.” I accidentally flicked a piece of meat off the lasagna as I carried it to the table and Calvin hoovered it up.

  “Hey! What about him?”

  I said in a haughty tone, “What about him? He's cuter than you.”

  Jess chuckled. “Oooo, burn.”

  I swung my pointing finger her way. “Zip it, Mable.”

  Jane came out to join us, and Ker-Bear whined to her, “Your girl is mean.”

  My wife just looked at them, smiled, then sat and helped herself to a dinner roll. I cackled as I brought out the salad to their groans. Then we ate as I contemplated my doom.

  The ladies stayed for my second iteration of my discussion with Higgs after we ate and gave Cal his last walk for the evening, when Jane dragged me to the living room area and said, “Ok, we need to debrief now, lady. Spill everything.”

  So... I spilled everything, including my
impressions and the fact that Calvin didn't feel threatened by the man. The traitor must have known I was talking about him because he put his head in her lap and whined once.

  She rubbed his ears and said, “I know it wasn't your fault, boy. She has a habit of dragging others over the cliff with her.”

  “Hey!” Well, it had a bit of truth to it, but still, hey!

  I muttered, “Fine...”

  She cocked an eyebrow and said calmly, “Fine.”

  I prompted, “Don't you have some sort of detective-y cop-dar or something? I know you gotta think something is hinky.”

  Then she sighed and said, “What I believe and what I can prove aren't always the same thing. We need more and could have probably got more if you wouldn't have let him get away.”

  I took umbrage. “I had to pee. It isn't my fault he used that opportunity to beat feet.”

  Ker snorted, and Jess mumbled out in good humor, “Beat feet? Who talks like that?”

  Both Jane and I swung toward them and jabbed a finger their way. They made zipping motions over their lips, then smiled. The jerks are supposed to be on my side. I just fed them lasagna after all. What's the world coming to when you can't bribe a girl through her stomach anymore?

  She continued, “So now, instead of gathering the information, we will have to spend time and manpower tracking down this Higgs man.”

  I told the peanut gallery as Calvin turned upside down on the couch to expose his soft furry belly to Jane who obliged him with scritches, “And by gathering information, she means arresting the man. That's her M.O. Just check out our nightstand if you don't believe me.”

  I blinked as she raised her brow even higher at me, and I blurted, “I know where he'll be Friday night if it helps.”

  Her mouth was half open with some new reprimand in mind when what I had said registered. She shut her mouth, narrowed her eyes, then asked carefully, “You know where he'll be Friday night? How?”

  I crossed my arms and harrumphed. The girls let out a collective, “Ooooo.” Then Jess whispered, “Why didn't we make popcorn?”

  Jane turned toward them. “Aren't you two usually in bed about now, in some sort of compromising positions?”

  Kerry nodded as she said, “Yes, but we get to live a real life soap opera vicariously through you two when Tempe is in trouble.”

  Jane's head drooped to her chest, and she groaned then said, “Then just zip it.” She looked back up to me, and we stared each other down. She expected me to share with her what I knew, but she needed to ask.

  She exhaled long and hard then asked primly, “Finnegan, would you care to share with me what you know, please?”

  I inclined my head graciously. “Now that you've asked nicely. Yes. He'll be at the Uptown Gallery Friday night sometime around eight.”

  She squinted one eye, trying to look dubious, but I could see the corner of her mouth ticking as she held back a smile. She enjoyed whenever I accidentally stumbled upon information in a case. “And why pray tell, would this Sergeant Higgs be there at that time?”

  I snuggled in, causing her to break and smile at me and kiss the top of my head as I played with the collar of her shirt, looking at her strong and graceful neck, “Because a certain Darryl Beckett will be doing his premiere opening at the gallery at that time. Showing artwork, I believe, represents Higgs' personal pain.”

  She sighed. “For fuck's sake, Finny, why didn't you lead with that?”

  I mumbled at her, “When we have a child, I'm setting up a swear bucket, a swear jar like Becky has isn't going to be big enough with you three potty mouths here.”

  She was typing on her cell until I gave her a stern look. She actually blushed and put it down. She knows the no cop work at home rule, and we were stretching it with my debriefing here, but I knew I was in trouble, so I was letting it slide. She tried to save face. “You do realize that I can arrest you for aiding and abetting a suspect in an ongoing investigation?”

  I retorted, “But did I? I called you didn't I? You can't expect a diminutive dog walker and her faithful pup to restrain a man three times my size against his will, can you?” I fluttered my lashes. The gallery peanutted with snickers as she exhaled in exasperation. I continued, “And I just aided the investigation, so good luck getting it to stick, copper.”

  This time it was her who asked, “Copper? Really, love, who talks like that?”

  “Me.”

  “Fair point.”

  I then informed her, “I want to be there when you pick him up. He won't resist.”

  “No. Why would I intentionally expose you to danger?”

  Undeterred, I shared, “I have a job prospect lined up for him, a way off the streets, and I wanted to share it with him.”

  “How do you have a.... you know, I probably don't want to know. We'll see.”

  I pulled back from her and said with certainty, “He didn't attack anyone. The most he is guilty of is home intrusion through an unlocked door.

  She hugged me to her in a silly side to side hug. “We'll see, lady.” Which meant no, and I was equally sure she realized she couldn't stop me.

  Then she looked around and said, “We've had a couple really late nights, let's get to bed at a decent hour tonight.”

  I nodded, and we popped up off the couch. The ladies did too, and they each gave me a silly kiss on top of my head and trundled toward their beds. Then Calvin proceeded us up the stairs as Jane playfully growled as she grabbed at my butt as I climbed, “I need to debrief you properly now.”

  Oooo de-briefing by my girl. “Yes, please.”

  She said, “You don't have the right to remain silent. Any squeaks or moans will be held against you.”

  I blushed to the tips of my toes when the girls yelled out from their bedroom, “Get a room!”

  Detective Jane McLeary-May proceeded to debrief me... twice... after I checked under the bed to find a piece of paper with Jess' handwriting on it which read “Made you look!”

  Chapter 11 – Life-Changing Decision

  I woke up in the little spoon position at seven in the morning, minutes before our alarm. I blinked as Jane stirred. What had... my cell buzzed on the wireless charging pad on the nightstand. Who was texting this early in the morning? Did one of my clients need something? An animal needing to get to the vet or something?

  I reached out to snag the cell and looked at the screen through bleary eyes as I spit out the lock of hair I had apparently been eating in my sleep. Then I was sitting up fast, smiling at the name on the screen. I nudged my wife the rest of the way awake with my elbow and whispered for some reason, “It's Luce.”

  She looked at me then the clock, and with whatever cop magic they teach at the academy, she was wide awake, straddling me from behind, and kissing my shoulder as we peered at the screen. My cheeks hurt from my smile reading the text, “The home gave the two eldest girls mobiles today. I know they don't have the budget, as I help Miss DeLancy with the books. So thank you.”

  Jane snickered. “She's a smart one.”

  I narrowed my eyes and typed back, “I'm sure we don't know what you're talking about. And are you supposed to be texting us?”

  There was a long pause, and I started to think my response hadn't gotten through and was instead swallowed by whatever binary monsters gobble up bits in the one and zero world between us. Then my breath hitched as a response came, “Do you not want me contacting you?”

  My fingers flew across the screen, and I slapped Jane's hand away when she tried to help. “We love hearing from you. I just meant, don't they have rules about contact without supervision?”

  She shot over a smile emoji and, “The hidebound Luddites had the telephone company install some nanny apps. They can monitor me in real time, or so they think. I'm just not allowed to teleconference or make a voice call to you without one of the overbearing fuss-bucket busy bodies watching.”

  I shot back, “Luce, be civil. They are just doing w
hat is best for you. They care for you.”

  “Sorry, Finnegan. I know, they're just so frustrating sometimes. They don't even teach proper hospital corners on the beds. If I weren't here to keep things organized, the place would fall down around their ears. An organized space is an organized mind.” Then she prompted, “It is early there, I'm hiding in the broom cupboard, it is lunchtime here, is Jane there too?”

  I nodded even though she couldn't see and replied, “Yes, and so is Calvin.”

  “Hello, Sir Calvin.”

  I informed him that she said hello, and he just cocked his head, trying to figure out what I was going on about. When he started panting, I texted her, “Calvin says, hi.” Then I added a goofy pup emoji.

  We took turns texting with her, and I just watched the smile on Jane's face as she conversed with the brash girl, who was too terse and exhibited too much obsessive behavior for the other couples who met her. I didn't see it. Sure she was a little rough around the edges, but she was so intelligent and funny in her own way. And my heart melted that Jane saw the diamond hiding underneath the rough exterior as well.

  After a half hour, I sighed heavily and informed her, “We have to go get ready for work, so we'll have to say goodbye for now. But feel free to text me anytime as I'm free to talk most anytime.”

  She sent, “Square root of 10,816.”

  I giggled and sent back, “Goodbye, Luce. Talk to you soon.”

  Jane looked confused, and I said, “The square root of 10,816 is 104.”

  She prompted with her eyes, and I sighed at my normally scarily smart wife. “Ten-four, oh dense one. She was giving us an affirmative. She's such a great sense of humor.”

  She chuckled and said, “Only you would have got that, Fin. The girl is almost frighteningly intelligent while still being fragile and unsure.”

  The last text I got was, “The kitchen staff just found me anyway. They keep trying to touch my arm. What is wrong with them? Goodbye, Finnegan, Jane, Sir Calvin. And wish Jessie and Kerry a pleasant day for me?”