Discovery

by Douglas E Roff

  Vera was seated at the couch watching some old movie when Hannah entered the room, fresh up from a short nap on the big bed.

  “Penny for your thoughts,” was all Hannah said as she sat beside her beautiful new friend.

  “Can we talk? I have something I need to say to you and I don’t want you to … misinterpret my intentions.”

  “Of course not. What’s the matter?”

  “Nothing. Nothing is wrong. And, well, maybe everything is wrong. I don’t know what to do and that isn’t like me. But I feel like you’re just beginning to get to know me and I think you are wonderful. And a friend. But I’m terribly, terribly sad at the thought that you are leaving.”

  “You mean leaving the country? For my work?”

  “No, I mean leaving my home and going back to your hotel. I don’t want you to leave. I want you to stay. Stay with me.”

  Vera had begun to cry, the tears ruining her mascara and the wonderful smile that normally lit up her face.

  Vera paused, regained composure and said, “I know we have only been together for a couple of days, but I feel like wanting you to stay might make you leave. I’m not clingy, I’m not. I’m not. And I’m very independent but you’re so strong and smart and beautiful. I feel safe with you here and I don’t often feel safe. Right here.” Vera touched her heart.

  “If I said I would stay and I moved all my things right here, would you smile again? For me?”

  “I might cry first. But then, yes, I would smile. I don’t want to scare you; I just want to hold you. Every night when we go to bed and every morning when we wake up. I just want to be with you.”

  “Then can I ask you something?”

  “Anything.” Vera turned to face Hannah as they sat on the couch paying close attention to every word that Hannah spoke.

  “First let me say that of course I’ll stay. My answer was yes from the very moment we met. And I’ve wanted to say the same things to you and have been afraid for the same reasons. But there is so much more I need to tell you, that you deserve to know and some of it I can’t really say much about. And it will be maddening for you to hear that there are things about me, about my life and my work that I cannot share with you. And I want to share them all with you. Share everything with you. But I can’t and that may be painful and may hurt you. And the last thing I ever want to do is hurt you. Ever.”

  “I don’t understand. What can’t you tell me? There’s nothing you can say that will change my mind but if you think there is something I should know, please say so.”

  “You don’t know this, but I work for a think tank as an anthropologist. But the work I do, or more correctly, the work I will do isn’t here in the US, or in Canada where my employer is. I have to go away, and I may be gone for a long time.”

  “Like six months?”

  “No, like ten years.”

  “Oh.”

  “But there’s more. I don’t think my job is dangerous, but my employer does. So, I will have around-the- clock security and body guards when I’m away. When I leave Portland, I may be leaving for a very long time, maybe forever. I just don’t know. I won’t be allowed to have a lot of contact with friends and family and I may not come home the same person who left. I just wonder if it wouldn’t be better for you, safer for your heart, if we stopped now before I fall deeply and madly in love with you.”

  “But I could visit sometimes, couldn’t I? It’s not like I can’t ever see you ever again, is it?”

  “Maybe you can, I just can’t answer that for now. Like I said, I just don’t know. But I can’t ask you to put yourself in danger for me - I do know at least that much. The rest … is just too new and I haven’t thought it through. This thing, us, was just not what I was expecting when I came to Portland. But now here we are sitting in your living room and trying to decide things we must decide. But the thing is, I don’t want to decide them. I just want to be here with you too and not think about anything that matters more than you and me right this very minute. But we do have to decide something, I guess.”

  “What should we do? I don’t understand why I can’t see you again.” Vera paused with a silence that filled the room, then continued, “So, OK, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to go back to your hotel, pack up everything, check out and move in with me. I want you here in my life, for as long as that is possible. Then we face whatever reality comes our way when it finally arrives. But I don’t want to be afraid of something we may have and never know any of it. I’d rather have you and lose you tomorrow than never to be with you at all. Maybe I’m selfish but if there is going to be some pain, it’s going to be tomorrow, not today. And today is where I live. With you.”

  Hannah looked at her lover and was in tears as she spoke. She threw her arms around Vera, kissed her and held her.

  “Let’s go get me checked out then. You driving?”

  “In a minute. First we celebrate.”

  “The big bed?”

  “The big bed. I need you right away.”

  Chapter 44

  Almost four months had passed since Hannah moved in with Vera and Hannah was as happy as she’d ever been in her life. But the fleeting shortness time loomed as the great destroyer of happiness, an uneasy reality she shared with Vera every day. Neither spoke of it out loud, as if in speaking the words alone, time itself would accelerate and Hannah would have to leave. Gone from a happy and beautiful life that would, of cold necessity, be terminated in its infancy.

  Her research continued unabated, but the clock ticked inexorably on toward zero – and departure. The thoughts of her peculiar situation were a jumble of emotions that seemed to constantly rearrange themselves in different orders of priority. She was staying; she was leaving; this was amazing; this was a hoax. Was this love; was this insane? Which was insane? Or were both?

  “Get a hold of yourself Hannah and decide,” she counseled herself in her rational moments. “You’re a grown woman, educated and with a serious job that is ‘to die for’. And maybe you will.”

  Hannah’s head was chatty, “But you can’t just leave Vera. Not now. Not before you’re certain … about anything.”

  “But if I walk away from the job, and Vera dumps me, then where am I? A girl has to be practical about love, no matter who the object of that love is.”

  The weather had turned in the morning and was grey and wet by the time Hannah got home to an empty condo. A note had been scribbled and left on the coffee table saying that Vera was “out getting supplies” and would be “back in a jiffy”. A bottle of red had been decanted and was now catching its breath on the dinner table. Surprises were in store, some dinner reservations made, and other organic treats hidden away in the bed stand “for later”. Bright yellow daffodils, Hannah’s favorite flower, were strategically littered throughout the house. A red rose lay on each pillow of their big bed, and under Hannah’s pillow, one more thing.

  A small envelope was placed under Hannah’s big down body pillow. The script on the outside was totally Vera; elegant, beautiful and somehow urgently romantic. Hannah had never loved surprises ever in her life. Then she met Vera and she lived for them. Her surprises were thoughtful, kind and often humorous. Little things Vera noticed; tiny things Hannah missed. A thought given expression in a sticky note about “why I love you today”. Hannah was loved, and noticed, by a woman Hannah was just coming to know deeply and intimately.

  Vera had changed everything in Hannah’s life, challenged everything she once believed.

  Hannah was happy. She happily returned the love she was shown and worried about a future that did not include Vera. Hannah was beginning to think that the very thing she had always dreamed of had somehow come about. Timing, and the choices demanded by the gods, had both conspired against her happiness. Now, pain was inevitable and imminent.

  Hannah had informed both Edward and Bitsie when her relationship with Vera had turned from shopping weekends to setting up house. Bitsie was furio
us and bitter; she felt betrayed by Vera and displaced by Hannah. In reality, Bitsie was wrong in her feelings; there had never been anything between Bitsie and Vera other than friendship, except possibly the hope of something more in Bitsie’s mind. As for Hannah, this was just one more thing for Bitsie to hate about her. Nothing had been the same since her arrival. Now this. Bitsie seethed, feeling malicious but with little she could do about it.

  Edward said nothing, other than he was happy for her. Which he was. But that would not alter the facts: things had just gotten more complicated and Edward had no plan in reserve for the problem of “Hannah in love”.

  Hannah’s work in Portland was drawing to a close, and she had to prepare herself for the move to London. There was a place to settle into, complete with body guards, assistants and an unknown ‘staffer’ Edward had mentioned had been newly assigned by him. There was gear to be gotten, training undertaken and a first assignment to be planned. After that, her future was a big black hole sucking everything around her into the unknown. In it went all of her hopes and dreams; out of it came nothing.

  Hannah had just tossed her raincoat in the bathroom to dry when she heard the door creak open and close. She stepped out to see a soaked and thoroughly drenched Vera, shopping bags dissolving before her very eyes and no umbrella in sight.

  “Wow, you look hot, baby! Wanna fuck?” Hannah was laughing to herself, amused by the not so perfectly presented Vera, who’d rather die than not be the paradigm of elegance at all times, no matter the circumstances, conditions or weather.

  “Well, you said you wanted a less ‘manufactured’ me. You happy? I’m ugly.”

  “You’re not ugly, you’re beautiful. And hot. And I would very much like to fuck you where you stand. In fact, let’s see if you can hold on to your bag while I get to work. And please, no prayers. Just take it like a woman!”

  “Give me a kiss, and I’ll say yes.”

  Hannah gently kissed Vera on the lips, then dropped to her knees. “This may take a while. You may want to have a seat in the recliner. Just don’t drop the groceries. That will earn you a penalty.”

  “And if I drop them so I can get a penalty?”

  “Then we have a very long night ahead of us.”

  Chapter 45

  Hannah woke up in Vera’s arms a few hours later. She shocked herself back from the blissful reality that had just been, to the bitter reality of what she had been considering immediately before Vera arrived back home.

  “So, you saw all the flowers.” Vera began. “And you’re wondering what the special occasion is, I bet.”

  “I am. Is it wonderful?” Hannah asked.

  “It is. And it’s also serious and unsettling and maddening. But I’ve been thinking a lot lately, about us and there are some things that I have decided. Not you, but me. And I want to ask you about these … things and see what you think. We don’t have to decide anything now, today but I want you to be honest with me. As honest as you know how. Can you do that for me?”

  “Of course. What is it, Vera? I’m kinda excited – and worried all at the same time.” Hannah, like her ex-boyfriend Adam, never liked the ‘we need to talk’ phrase before a serious conversation. Its portent was usually bad. Trouble bad.

  “No worries. Banish them from your overactive brain immediately. Promise?”

  “I promise. On penalty of …”

  “Don’t you dare go there, young lady. This is serious, and I need your full and undivided attention. Including that lascivious part of your brain, which I’m hoping will help me with what I have to tell you.”

  “Can I touch?” Hannah wanted to, all over again. She enjoyed the touch of her lover.

  “No! You cannot. Hands to yourself.”

  “That’s a first. Losing my charm, am I?” Hannah feigned petulance but would get nowhere with her tough as putty girl.

  “You know better. So, listen up, as my Dad used to say.”

  “Yes’m.”

  Vera, looking very serious and sombre, sat at one end of the couch while Hannah, reclining against pillows and facing Vera, sat on the other end.

  “You saw my card?”

  “Yes.”

  “And the flowers and the flower?”

  “Yes. They were beautiful – and thoughtful.”

  “I sometimes think people don’t take me seriously because I live a spoiled life as a rich, well-educated and self-indulgent child. I don’t work. I have almost no ambition to do so. I’m not involved in causes; I only vote occasionally, and charitable endeavors hold almost no interest for me either. I was married, briefly, to a great guy I grew up with. Unfortunately for him, I play for the other team and although I used to take infield with Jimmy from time to time afterwards, there is no long term professional contract to be had.”

  “Sports analogies? Really?” This was new, Hannah thought.

  “That’s my Dad speaking. Everything is baseball to him. You’ll see when you meet him.”

  “Oh.” Hannah had not thought about ‘meeting the parents’; that was for a different time.

  “Anyway, so I have been thinking about you, as I said, and about other things too. But mostly about you. Well, truthfully all about you and what you do and what might … will … happen sometime in the future. And that future is now, right now every day to me. And every day that goes by, I worry more and more about when it will happen, and I feel powerless to do anything about it. It’s like I’m watching a movie that I’m not in about my very own life.

  “So, I need to make you understand what I’m thinking and that it isn’t some flighty promise I can’t possibly keep. Then I thought of this.

  “The red rose is symbolic of our passion – the passion I feel for you every day. Sex, yes but so much more than that. I love you and I miss you when you’re not here. I ache at times, like a mother separated from her child. I watch the clock to see when you’re coming home and hate getting a voice mail that you’ll be late. I hate feeling so attached like I’m needy but I just love being around you. Having you near and close by. I feel safe. And I haven’t always felt safe. Here inside. Really deep down safe, like I do with you right now. I know you would never hurt me, never. And I know that you will always be worried about me and my safety. It’s wonderful, and painful, all at the same time.

  “I put the daffodils all around the house because they are your favorite flower. They are a reminder, even though none is needed, that no matter where you are, what you are doing or who you may be doing it with, I will always have you first and foremost in my thoughts. From the moment I go to bed until I wake up with you at some insane hour, you are always the first, last and only thing on my mind that really matters to me. Sometimes I wish I could say I love you and somehow help you feel what I feel and just how much that feeling means to me. I am happy, and that happiness is more than I ever thought I would ever have in this life.

  “Money, home and toys. I’m glad I have them, to be sure. But all of that is 1%. The other 99% of the joy in my life is you. I don’t want you to leave but I know you must. I know you want me to stay because you fear for my safety but that isn’t totally for you to decide. I have been afraid all my life of one thing or another and sometimes uncertain about the big decisions I make. But I feel strong with you. I feel strong and powerful and unafraid of anything that comes my way.

  “So, I decided to write you a note …”

  “On lavender scented paper …”

  “Which I know you love and simply say I love you. It isn’t complicated, it doesn’t need some big complicated explanation and it’s everything I feel about you. So, I have decided that I can’t let you leave and you can’t stay. So, I’m going with you. To London. Or wherever the hell you decide to go.”

  Vera continued, “If you say yes, then we can plan an adventure we will always remember and treasure. If you say no, I’m coming anyway. You’ll have to have me arrested for stalking, and I’ll make a big scene in all the British tabloid
s. I will be scandalous and do everything in my power to make you pay attention to me. And keep loving me.”

  Vera looked sad and hopeful, then said “I’m desperate. And I love you. Can I please come along? Please?”

  Hannah felt the urge for a good cry, the kind that comes from immense joy and happiness. Then she said, calmly in her most serious voice, “You know there may be some things we can’t do. Some things we may have to give up. And long miserable work hours. For me. I may have to travel a lot. But I will always come home to you in London. We will have people around and so maybe there won’t always be a lot of privacy. It won’t be like here. You may feel left out and ignored. Is that the kind of life you want for yourself?”

  “Will you be there?”

  “Always.”

  “Then that’s the life I want for myself. Can I please come? Say yes. Please?”

  “We have to be low key.”

  “I know.”

  Hannah flung her arms around Vera, and shouted, “Yes, yes, yes and did I say yes? I love you so much. This is a bad idea, a very bad idea. You know that, right?”

  “I do.”

  “Then I need to make some phone calls and rethink how miserable I was planning to be.”

  “See,” said Vera. “Things are better already.”

  “Then kiss me passionately and let me hold you. You know, you’re a lot tougher than you look.”

  “No, I’m not. But thanks for saying so anyway.”

  “Would you really have stalked me and made a scene?”

  “I’m rich and bored. What do you think?”

  “I’m poor and horny. Seems like this should work out just fine.”