Conquest

by Felix von Falkenlust

  “That’s the point. You can’t start out too attractive or the game would be too easy. Just pick whatever color you like.”

  In real life my hair had been a bland compromise between blond and brown, so I chose black.

  “Now what?”

  “Now you decide what class to play.”

  The list appeared before me: warrior, wizard, archer, merchant, or peasant. “Monster” was locked out.

  “Peasant? Who would choose that?”

  “They treat it like a farming sim. It’s actually pretty fun. But for now you’ll want to stick to the fighting classes. They all use magic energy, like I used on that hacker, but warriors and archers only have it in weapons. But if you want big muscles, warrior is the way to go.”

  “Warrior it is.”

  “Now, on to costumes.”

  An assortment of clothing filled the mirror, all pretty basic. I selected an undyed linen tunic that would cover my soft body, and some sort of wool pants—breeches, I guess—that tucked into a pair of shoddy boots. A selection of weapons appeared.

  “These are my choices?” I raised my eyebrows at the mirror. “A rusty sword, a tiny mace, also rusty, or a—a stick? Is that just a stick?”

  “It’s a stick. You could call it a staff if it makes you feel better.”

  “Who designed this game?”

  “Trust me, it gets better. Much, much better.” There was a strange gleam in her eye.

  “Well it can’t get worse, so of course it gets better. I guess I’ll take the mace.” With a sigh, I touched the mirror and jumped a little when the mace came directly out of the mirror and into my hand.

  I stared at my reflection in the mirror. Except not my reflection. Some ugly peripheral character from a low-budget fantasy movie, with poor clothes and a crappy weapon and bad hair. And yet it was my reflection, because looking down at my legs I really wore those worn-out boots and wool breeches, and my arm in the linen shirt really did match the one in the mirror, and the crude mace in my hand felt as real as anything I had ever touched in real life.

  “Now what?” My voice hardly rose above a whisper.

  Elise smiled at me with that enticing smile.

  “Now, you go out into the open world to gain Experience, and get some bigger muscles, a better-looking face, and a bigger—” Her eyes dipped down to my breeches but then shifted to my mace. “—weapon.”

  “You still haven’t told me how I go about doing that.”

  “Basically, you fight monsters and score with girls.”

  “I score—”

  “But first you’ll need a name. Like a screen name, except there aren’t any screens. Pick a name thinking about who you want the character to become, not what you look like now.”

  I thought a few minutes, running through ancient names like Steve and Jason and even John. I asked, “How about Raymond?”

  Elise touched the mirror and we got the message, This username is already taken.

  “How about Phil?” Phil was taken, too. I frowned. “Jeff? Geoffrey? Geoff? Fuck!”

  Fuck, oddly enough, was available, but I had been bullied by a guy in school named Fuck and didn’t want to be reminded of him. Anyway it was too normal.

  I tried ten more names without success.

  “Conquest is really popular,” explained Elise.

  “Okay, let’s try Carl.”

  Nope.

  “Karl? With a k?”

  Success. The name was available. Which was good, because I was tired of thinking up names. I wanted to play.

  Elise put a hand on my shoulder.

  “Okay Karl, let’s go and get you laid.”

  Chapter Three

  “THE first thing you need to know is that you can’t sleep with an NPC.” Elise led me out of the house and back toward the main street.

  “Why not?”

  “Because the devs wanted a certain realism in the game. If a woman agrees to get down with you, it’s because your character is attractive enough or she wants to make her character better-looking. And at the higher levels, personality plays a huge role.”

  “What kind of women play this game?”

  “Well, you have to understand, this is like a fantasy inside a fantasy. Everything feels real, but nobody has to worry about getting pregnant, or disease, or condoms, or being called a slut, or any of that stuff. We can enact our fantasies with barbaric studs without any repercussions.” She grinned at me and added, “I don’t think I have to explain why guys play it.”

  “Yeah, I get the appeal.”

  “Now, most of the monsters are NPCs, but merchants are players, and like I said peasants are mostly just into farming sims and so on, though they have to level up just like everyone else to succeed.”

  At the mention of food, my stomach growled. “I just realized I’m hungry. Does that mean I can eat in the game?”

  “Yes, you have to, otherwise your Stamina goes down.”

  “Do I buy food? How do I check my inventory?”

  “If you’re not carrying it or it’s not stashed somewhere, you don’t have it. There’s no HUD, either.”

  “So how am I supposed to know how much damage I’m taking?”

  “Trust me, you’ll know. You’ll feel it. And if you get close to death it’s pretty obvious.”

  “But what about my opponents’ levels?”

  “You’ll see the damage graphically enough—I hope you’re not squeamish—but you won’t see any bars floating above a monster’s head or anything.”

  “Good. I always hated that. It totally took me out of the game. Ruined the illusion, you know?”

  “Yeah, the devs felt the same way. You don’t have to worry about immersion in this game.”

  “You’re not kidding.” Every leaf on every tree, every splinter of weathered wood on the houses, was rendered in perfect detail. The dirt under my boots, the breeze on my linen shirt, the wood of the mace’s handle, everything was just so real.

  “But to check your stats, look at the palm of your left hand.”

  I lifted my hand in front of my face. Lines of text darkened on my palm like tattoos. It reminded me a little of when I cheated on a test back in school.

  Experience: 0

  Attraction: 0

  Stamina: 29

  Health: 50 (Max)

  Gold: 0

  Magic: 0

  “I notice I don’t have any charisma.”

  “You said it, not me.”

  “Hey!”

  “Just kidding. Charisma is all up to you. You have to rely on your real charm. Same goes for how good you are in the sack. Now check the other hand.”

  I transferred the mace to my left hand, and looked at my right palm.

  Level 1

  Face: Level 1

  Body: Level 1

  Size: Level 1

  Weapon: Level 1

  Attack: Level 1

  Strength: Level 1

  “How does all this work?”

  “It’s kind of complicated, but for some of the basics, Experience points you get when you slay a monster, or certain other things. You use those points to add to Strength or Attack or Weapon. A higher Strength level gives you bigger muscles, but to look ripped you also need to increase your Body level. You can do that using Attraction points, and to get those you have to hook up with women. You also need AP to level up your Size and Face. To get a bigger package, you’ve got to find some female players. But it might be hard with that tiny thing.”

  I stopped and looked at her. “So, nobody will sleep with me since I have a tiny unit, and I can’t get a bigger one unless someone sleeps with me. Got it.”

  Elise laughed and motioned me on. “Don’t worry, there are plenty of women who’ll be looking for AP of their own so they can level up, too.”

  “Does that mean I have to sleep with ugly chicks at first?”

  “Pretty much.”

  I sighed, and felt a pang in my stomach.

  “How do I get food?”


  “You can buy it at a market or an inn.”

  “But I don’t have any gold.”

  “Then you’ll have to get creative.”

  We had left the village behind. I saw a farm a ways off and wondered if I could steal some food, but then I noticed a peach tree a few yards from the road. I plucked a peach off the branch and bit into it.

  “Holy crap, this is the juiciest, most delicious peach I’ve ever eaten in my entire life!”

  “There are some advantages to being dead. Especially after we got the upgrades for taste and smell processing.”

  The idea of programming tastes and smells and feels made my head want to explode, but I devoured the peach. I looked at my hand. Stamina had bumped up to 37.

  “By the way, where are we going?”

  “Training grounds. You need to get your EP up a little and get used to wielding your weapon.”

  “EP? Not XP?”

  “In Conquest, we say EP. And HP means Health points. There aren’t any Hit points, but it’s about the same.”

  In a few minutes we arrived at a rustic wood fence. Elise held open the gate and I went onto the sand-covered ground.

  A second later something popped out of the sand.

  Something skeletal that hobbled toward me and would have made me pee my pants if we’d been in the real world. Elise urged, “Don’t just stand there, hit it.”

  The thing lifted its boney hands up at my throat and I swung the mace into its skull. The thing stumbled back and fell to the ground, and I watched with a grimace as it buried itself, digging a shallow grave in the sand with its hands and climbing in. Before I could express my repulsion, another one popped out of the ground two feet away and I only just had time to swing at it. My weapon smacked into the skinless skull and knocked it clean off the vertebrae. The skull rolled across the sand and the headless skeleton tottered over to retrieve its missing part. Cradling the skull where its stomach should have been, the thing sat down on the ground and shoveled sand on itself until it was buried.

  “That almost gave me a heart attack,” I panted.

  “You don’t need to worry about that anymore. Two more to go.”

  This time two of the skeletons came at me at once. I clobbered one on the crown as I instinctively kicked the other in the ribs, feeling the bones crunch under my boots. I finished it off with the mace and watched them bury themselves as I stood there with my chest heaving, completely winded.

  “Holy shit, that was intense! And that was just the training?”

  “Yeah, it takes some getting used to. It’s not like the old VR where you’re sitting on your couch.”

  “That’s an understatement.” I checked my hand. Experience: 16. “Is that a lot of points?”

  “For a Level Two in Weapon, Attack, or Strength, you need a hundred points each.”

  “Oh.”

  “For a level-two Face, Body, or Co—uh, I mean Size, you need a hundred Attraction points each.”

  “I see. It’s kinda confusing.”

  “You’ll get the hang of it.”

  I noticed my Stamina had gone down a little after fighting. Elise went out the gate and I followed, looking back at the sand half-expecting one of the skeletons to pop out again.

  “So now where to?”

  “I’m going to take you to Noob Town. Only level-one players are allowed there and all the monsters are low level, so hopefully we can find you some easy kills or some easy lays.”

  “Sweet.”

  We left the training grounds behind us, walking along the dirt road in the bright sun. I spotted an apple tree along the way and grabbed a bright red apple to get my Stamina up a little more. It was the best apple I had ever tasted.

  “What’s the highest level?”

  “Ten.”

  “So, are you a player, too, or just a mod?”

  “I’m a player, too. At the higher levels. And I moderate and introduce noobs to the game.”

  “What level are you?”

  “Eleven.”

  I turned sharply to her. “Hey, you said it only went up to ten!”

  She grinned enigmatically. “All games have their little tricks, don’t they?”

  “I guess so. You do look like an eleven, though.”

  “Thanks.” She laughed. “I guess you do have charisma.”

  “So . . .” I stopped, but then thought, screw it, I already died, I have nothing to lose. “Is it possible to sleep with you in this game?”

  Her expression didn’t change. She just turned as casually as if I’d offered her a french fry.

  “Yes. But I should warn you, I’m not an easy one to land. You have to be at least a Ten.”

  Chapter Four

  THE gate of Noob Town grew out of the haze ahead of us—a rather thick haze, making me suspect its purpose was to delay rendering the town to save RAM. A fence of upright logs, cut to spikes at the top of each trunk, surrounded the town. Something dangled from the beam over the gate. As we came closer I saw it was a man, hanging from the neck and naked. I soon realized the guy was still alive, and he did not look happy.

  “Hacker,” Elise explained.

  “Level One?” I asked, noting his scrawny body and very poor endowment. But then I noticed his modern hairstyle, which hadn’t been one of my choices.

  “No, that’s his real body. We like to humiliate repeat offenders by hanging them in their real-life form. Plus it’s boring as hell hanging up there all day.” When we were almost to the gate, Elise waved at the guy. “Nice dick, dude! Too bad you couldn’t play by the rules!”

  The hacker tried to respond, but the rope kept him from moving his jaw. Elise laughed at him.

  Noob Town was huge, and filled with players, male and female, each one as ugly as me.

  “So I have to hook up with one of these dogs?”

  “If not, you’ll spend months trying to level up, and even then you’ll still be a Level One, because you can only get Attraction points from encounters.”

  “So what prevents players from just smashing all day and leveling each other up?”

  “You can only get points from the same player once every two levels. For example, if you’re a Level One, you can hook up with another One all you want, but you only get the AP the first time, until you’re both at Level Three.”

  “So, I’m basically encouraged to love ’em and leave ’em?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “I think I’m going to enjoy this game.”

  “There’s no doubt about that. You were a ninety-nine point nine match for this game based on your real-life habits.”

  “How did they determine that?”

  “Essentially, you were a pervert.”

  “I can’t deny that. Can I get girls who are a higher level than me?”

  “Oh, sure. It’s not easy though, because guys tend to be more desperate and horny, so it’s more likely for a level-two guy to do a level-one girl.”

  “That’s a lot like real life. . . .”

  “Yeah, I’m afraid so. But you get more points from higher levels, so it’s worth trying. Feel free to hit on anyone here anytime, by the way.”

  I looked around. All the women had hair like from the 1980s, but not any of the hot faces you might see in old pictures. The faces and bodies in this town were all like mine; that is to say, unless you have some unusual tastes, not attractive. I was pretty desperate in real life, but I would have passed on all of these women.

  A peasant leaned against the side of a building, and I thought, If I want to move on to the hot girls, I’d better tackle one of these beasts.

  I wondered how to make a move; I couldn’t very well compliment her looks.

  “Uh, hi. Um, wanna, you know . . .”

  She said something in what sounded like French, and a speech bubble popped up beside her and translated into English.

  Get lost, loser.

  I stormed away from her in a huff. “What the hell? It’s not like she’s some sort of treat!”
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br />   Elise gave me a sympathetic look. “She probably knows she can score with a Two. That’s just the way it is sometimes.”

  I approached another woman, with the same result. I was starting to get angry. If there had been a controller for this game, I would’ve thrown it.

  “This is bullshit. I—”

  My complaint was broken off by a woman’s scream. I wheeled around to see a huge spider, maybe two feet wide, bite a guy’s leg. He yelled and his skin turned a little green. Before he could hit it with his stick, the spider scurried away in my direction. I reached out and smashed the thing with my mace, splattering the ground with green blood. It was pretty gross.

  We resumed our walk. “Hey, you said only Level Ones can use this town. But you’re here.”

  “I’m invisible to the other players. But most of the noobs here have a guide with them.”

  “That explains why so many people look like they’re talking to themselves.”

  A woman walking toward us in the street smiled at me. “Hi.”

  I can’t say she was anything but fugly, but I needed those points. “How’s it going?”

  “Good. How much EP do you have?”

  I checked my hand and was happy to note squashing the spider had given me more points.

  “Twenty-two.”

  “I’ll give you a BJ for them.”

  Elise began to warn, “Uh, that might be a bad id—”

  “Deal.”

  In real life, I had received oral a whopping one time. I didn’t care about the points, or that she was ugly. I looked around. “Where should we go?”

  “Here’s fine.”

  “In the middle of the street?” I shrugged and unfastened my breeches. The woman dropped down in front of me.

  “You won’t get any AP for this,” Elise said. “You’ll just lose that EP.”

  “Don’t care.”

  My tiny member was out, and the next thing I knew the unlovely lady’s lips covered the whole thing. It felt so good I didn’t care how nasty she was, and I didn’t care that players were strolling by and staring. Everybody in town might’ve been ugly, but there was one absolutely gorgeous person standing next to me. I stared at Elise as the wench in front of me brought me to a finish.