Conquest

by Felix von Falkenlust

  Little sparkles of lights flashed in front of her lips—I suspect twenty-two sparkles, to be exact.

  “Thanks,” the woman said as she stood up with a smile.

  “Thank you.” I checked my hand. My Experience was down to zero. “Shit.”

  “I told you it was a bad idea.” Elise shook her head.

  “I know, but,” I tried to explain, “You don’t understand. I have to make up for real life.”

  “Don’t worry,” she said, putting a hand on my shoulder. “You’ve got all the time in the world for that now. And it’ll be better than real life.”

  Chapter Five

  “SO you didn’t get much action when you were alive?” Elise looked at me, the light from the setting sun casting a pink glow to her skin. I sighed.

  “One girl. I had one girlfriend in my entire life. We did it exactly twenty-eight times. I counted.”

  “You used condoms?”

  “Yeah. Of course.”

  “You’re in for a treat.” She gave me a conspiratorial smile. “And at the higher levels it gets even better. The devs thought some people might complain it was unrealistically good, but let me tell you, nobody has complained.”

  “Now I have even more reason to level up. Unfortunately, I haven’t scored yet, and the day’s almost over, and I blew all my points on getting blown.”

  “Don’t worry. You can kill a lot of monsters and get your body looking a little better, at least. And actually, you can use Experience points to improve your face, but it takes a lot.”

  “But I hardly saw any monsters. Just a couple spiders.”

  “In this town, there aren’t many in the daytime. They don’t want it to be too hard for the newbies. But they come out at night. And it’s almost night.”

  “All right, then,” I said, getting off the bench and clutching my mace. “Let’s kill some monsters.”

  * * *

  The sun had gone down and the moon poked out of the clouds and bathed the main street with an eerie glow. A wolf howled, as if the devs were driving home the creepy atmosphere. Well, it would take more than that to scare me, already being dead and my spirits high after that ugly woman had given me that Experience-draining experience.

  What it would take specifically to scare me, it seemed, would be a corpse-white figure in the distance coming in my direction, not walking but just moving, like it was on a skateboard, except there was no skateboard or anything else underneath it. Because that’s what came slowly toward me now, and now I was scared.

  I dashed into the nearest alley, Elise at my heels.

  “You don’t want to fight it?”

  “Screw that. Will that thing follow me in here?”

  “No, you’re safe—from that.”

  The moonlit ambience in the street had been creepy, but the alleyway was seriously dark, and as I strode away from the street I wondered if I made a mistake. Every shadow put me on edge, and there was nothing but shadows.

  I reached a wall and had the choice of going left or right down another alley. I chose right. I stepped with a stubborn briskness and had absolutely no idea where I was going. I jumped when Elise whispered, “Sometimes there’s gold hidden in places like this.”

  I didn’t have time to respond, because something lurked ahead of me. Just a vaguely human shadow in the darkness, and yet somehow I knew it wasn’t another player. Maybe the developers programmed it so I would know, but I had no chance to mull on that because the thing sprang at me. I sensed rather than saw, and I swung my mace and felt it hit an appallingly soft form, like a person made out of pudding. I felt something splatter cold on my hand and it sent a chill down my spine and I heard the thing fall on the ground with an unpleasant sound of thick liquid.

  I crouched tense and ready, but no more sounds came. I looked at my hand, and “Experience: 12” glowed as if painted in phosphorescent ink. I assumed I’d killed it. I wondered what it would look like in the light, but was not entirely sure I wanted to know.

  I moved on, but a few steps later my toes hit something and I almost stumbled. I stopped and leaned down to feel what I had tripped over.

  An unglazed jar, judging by the shape and texture under my fingers more than with my eyes. I remembered what Elise said and shook the jar to hear a metallic jingle.

  In the games I had played while still alive, I would’ve had to smash the jar with my mace and walk over the coins, but this world was so real that I tipped the jar and poured the few coins out into my hand. Then I put the coins in the leather pouch at my side and looked at my palm to see Gold was at 5.

  I considered setting the jar gently on the ground, but that just didn’t seem satisfying. I tossed it up in the air and smashed it with the mace, hearing the jar shatter with a satisfying crash. That’s more like it.

  But it was a mistake; no sooner had I heard the tinkle of the last piece of pottery hit the ground than another sound came from the nearest alley. It took me a moment to place the sounds as they grew louder and more distinct. Paws. More than one set. Then the sound of animal panting underneath the sound of the racing paws, and then the creatures tore around the corner and I could see three pairs of glowing red eyes.

  They paused about ten feet away, and I could just make out the outlines of the wolf-like forms. They greeted me with ominous growls, and then the nearest one leaped at me. I used the glowing eyes to guide my weapon, which smashed against the monster’s skull, but already the second one was biting my leg and it hurt and I clobbered it on the head until it let go and fell, and then I hit the third beast before it could sink its meat-loving teeth into my flesh.

  I stood there, my heart pounding and my eyes darting every which way, scanning the shadows for movement. I now had fifty-four Experience points, but I also had a case of the jitters and a stinging in my calf where the creature had bitten me right above the boot. I put my hand down and felt the wetness seeping through the ripped cloth.

  “That was a little too realistic.”

  “Don’t be such a wuss. It would’ve hurt way more in real life.”

  “I know, but it hurt enough. Sorry, I didn’t have any experience in real life being bitten on the leg by some demon wolf.” My Health was down to 42. “What happens if I hit zero Health?”

  “You die.”

  “Oh. What happens then?”

  “You have to start from scratch. Not a big deal at your current level.”

  “I only have one life?”

  “Technically, you have zero lives.”

  “I mean in the game.”

  “Yeah, just one at the moment. You can earn extra lives later in the game. Then when you die, you respawn in whatever area you’re in, but you lose all the items you’re carrying. Anything you keep stashed somewhere is safe, unless other players find them.”

  I started walking, my ears sharp, my little mace ready. I really wished it was a little bigger and heavier; it felt like I was attacking monsters with a wireless microphone. I decided it was time to get out onto a main street, even the street where that creepy bastard was sliding over the ground, but every alley I took led to another alley. I realized I was wandering around a maze of alleys, and I was lost.

  “I don’t happen to have a compass, do I?”

  “Nope. Where’s the fun in that?”

  “The fun comes in not dying in a dark alley.” My legs were realistically tired, my calf still stung, and I was getting hungry. “Where do I get some food in this town?”

  “Now that you have some gold, you can buy some at the market or in the shops, but they aren’t open till daybreak. There might be some food hidden somewhere, but I’m not allowed to tell you where.”

  “Thanks. I’ll—” A flickering light caught my eye. We were passing the opening to yet another alley, and a torch burned in the distance. Naturally I turned into the alley and went toward the light.

  I could see a figure standing underneath the light. A woman. A beautiful woman.

  Now this is more like it. Black hair, pal
e skin from her neck leading down to a generous stretch of cleavage, where two full breasts pushed together with a promising squeeze.

  She turned to me with beautiful dark eyes and smiled. I smiled back, forgetting I was currently ugly as sin, and she turned to me and pushed out her awesome bosom, her eyes drawing me in, her arms open to embrace me. I stepped closer, ready to press my body on hers, and her lips parted, still smiling, and as her arms encircled me I just caught the glint of torchlight on a fang.

  Her open mouth shot at my neck. Without thinking, I grabbed the revealing collar running over her breasts, fell back as I planted a foot in her stomach, and catapulted her through the air behind me as I hit the ground.

  It had been eight years since my last judo lesson—well, twenty-four if you count my time in digital storage. I had started losing interest in it soon after getting my green belt, but I was glad now that those moves stuck with me. I hopped up from the ground, whereas the hot vampire girl rose with considerably more difficulty. Before she could get up I ran in and brought down the mace.

  She looked up at me with a fangy smile.

  I swore as she raised up from the ground. Her back made a cracking sound as she tried to straighten herself, so it seemed my throw had broken her spine, but five more thumps of my weapon did nothing.

  I stepped slowly back as she hobbled at me with fangs bared and hunger in her eyes. I was about to haul ass down the alley until I came up alongside the flaming torch. I pulled it from the iron fixture and pushed it into her torso.

  She went up like a scrap of dry paper. In seconds, her hot body was reduced to embers and ashes. Kind of a shame, I thought, remembering her cleavage. I turned and frowned at Elise, who leaned casually against the stone wall.

  “Why didn’t you warn me?”

  “I’m not allowed. Anyway, if you’d been thinking with your brain instead of your dick, you would’ve remembered none of the players in this town look like that.”

  “I’m a noob, remember?”

  “I think being a guy is the real problem. You didn’t think it was the least bit suspicious, a gorgeous woman standing alone in the alley under a torch?”

  “Well, I—I don’t know, okay?”

  After trudging through the labyrinth of alleyways for hours, killing the occasional creature on the way, I finally found my way out to the main street. I breathed a sigh of relief as I saw the moonlight across the wide road, the shops on the other side, and was just about to step out from the alley when I caught sight of the creepy thing sliding along the ground and I ducked back into the shadows.

  “Damn,” I whispered. I stayed dead still as I watched the thing, which had made me run into the alleys in the first place, drag disturbingly through the street. Its dull gray robe looked slept in for a decade, its unmoving legs stayed stiff together, its dead eyes stared straight ahead, lifeless lips hanging limply open. It gave me the creeps.

  I don’t know why it freaked me out so much. It didn’t look strong, or fast, or smart. If anything it looked frail. Yet there was something about the unnatural movement through the middle of the street and the moonlight shining on the dead face.

  Well, I thought, I’m dead, too. Let’s do this.

  But before I could emerge from the alley, a guy stepped into the street. He looked like he might have leveled up his Strength; his muscles were bigger than any I’d seen in town. He had chosen the rusty sword, and he brandished it confidently at the corpse.

  The player raised the sword above his head, ready to strike, as the thing slid slowly toward him. But the thing got closer and closer, and the guy didn’t move, and I realized how unnaturally still he was, like he wasn’t even breathing. The corpse-thing slowly lifted its arms and still the player didn’t swing the sword. The monster’s hand touched the player’s chest, and I watched in horror as the player’s body withered before my eyes and the sword fell to the ground.

  A moment later and there was nothing left of the player. Now I was really afraid. But I was getting hungry and tired, and I knew I couldn’t stay here all night. If the monster was in Noob Town, he couldn’t be that difficult to kill.

  The eyes. It had to be the eyes. The monster seemed senseless to what went on around him, so I suspected it was a matter of not getting in front of those eyes. Still, I didn’t feel too comfortable coming at him with my pathetic little mace.

  The sword still lay there on the ground. I had watched the corpse-thing slide back and forth long enough to know how far he would go before he turned around again, and I waited until he had passed the alley before I dashed out into the street behind him.

  I swiped the sword from the dirt and charged at the corpse. It didn’t turn at the sound of my footsteps but it was almost to the point where it would turn around anyway. I put all my strength into my legs as I sprinted the last couple yards and he started to turn already just as I plunged the rusty sword into his back.

  A cloud of dust poured from his back instead of blood as I pulled out the sword. It smelled like mothballs. I was about to try and slice off the head, but the thing fell face first, straight as a board into the ground, its head popping into a cloud of dust, its body pouring out of the sleeves until all that was left was the robe, flat on the ground.

  A rather artificial gleam alerted me to a few gold coins in the empty robe, and my Experience points went way up: I now had 102.

  Elise sauntered out onto the street and nodded at the unstuffed suit on the ground.

  “Not bad. You should have enough points to level up Strength. Then when you’re able to level up Body it’ll be more of an improvement.”

  I looked at my right hand, at the phosphorescent stats. When I focused on “Strength,” it glowed in and out in a slow blink. I touched it.

  Level up Strength? Yes/No.

  I touched Yes, and felt my arms and chest instantly gain size. Unfortunately so did my gut.

  Strength: Level 2

  The first light of the sun started to edge up from the horizon. The new day approached, but I could hardly keep my eyes open.

  “I take it I have to sleep sometimes in this game?”

  “Yeah. It’s almost dawn, so the inn should be opening up soon.”

  “Well, show me the way. I need a nap before I try my luck with the ladies.”

  Chapter Six

  MY “nap” turned out to be almost twelve hours long. By the time I finished eating an enormous breakfast, the sun was going back down and all the women in town were off the streets.

  With nothing to do now except kill monsters, I spent the night grinding for more EP. By the time it was dawn I had 135 for Experience, and Elise showed me how to apply a hundred of them to my Face to improve it slightly.

  I took off the tunic at the inn and checked out my reflection in the mirror. I was still ugly as hell, with the same awful haircut, but my face had improved enough to perhaps give me a tiny edge over the fresher newbies. My chest and arms were beefy, if not defined.

  “How much EP would it take to get my face up to a Level Two?”

  “Three thousand.”

  “Oh. That’s a lot.”

  “It only takes a hundred AP to get there.”

  “How many girls do I have to sleep with for that?” Have to sleep with—I couldn’t imagine saying that in real life. Like it was some kind of chore. Though I suppose in this town it actually was.

  “Scoring with a level-one female will get you a hundred points, enough to level up one of your first three categories.”

  So I would have to hook up with three of these ugly chicks just to make it to Level Two.

  “How much gold does a paper bag cost?”

  “To cover their heads or yours?” Elise smiled innocently.

  “Fair point. I guess I can just close my eyes and pretend it’s you.”

  “Good luck with that.”

  I stepped out into the sunshine. Apart from the occasional giant spider, you would never know the town had been crawling with monsters the night before. A warri
or passed by with his stick, clearly on the lookout for easy women. A peasant pushed a wheelbarrow full of vegetables, while a fat merchant woman tried to hawk crappy level-one clothing. An archer with a comically small level-one bow loosed an arrow into a spider before it could sink its fangs into a witch, or whatever you call wizard-class females. She turned to thank him. He was getting laid.

  I kept my tunic off. My body wasn’t very impressive, but it was still better than a lot of the newer players. I strolled down the street trying to look confident—then stepped into a puddle, flooding my boots with muddy water.

  “Fuck!”

  The clothing merchant ran out to me, her saggy boobs flopping under her worn linen dress like saddlebags on a galloping horse.

  “What you need is a new pair of boots!” She gave me a big smile, revealing a missing tooth.

  “That’s for sure.” I followed her to her shop, where she proudly held up a pair of boots that looked anything but new.

  “Take a look at these.”

  I did. I easily pulled the sole away from the toe.

  “These are even worse than mine.”

  “Damn it! How am I supposed to level up when all I can sell are these shitty clothes?” She threw a pile of her rags at the wall. If she’d had a controller it would for sure have been smashed. She mastered her frustration and looked up at me as sweetly as a face like hers could look. “I don’t suppose you want to go upstairs and . . .”

  I stared at her. She was about five-one, at least three hundred pounds. Her breasts hung almost down to her belly button, as thin as pancakes. There was a mole on her chin, and before you ask, yes, a hair sprouted from said mole. I wasn’t completely certain, but she might’ve been just a little bit cross-eyed. So my answer was obvious:

  “Let’s do it.”

  Now, I know what you’re thinking. You want to hear about my adventures with numerous hot babes. And you will, I promise. Believe me, I wanted to have those adventures. But if I wanted to do that, I was going to have to work my way up from the bottom. And this was definitely the bottom.