Always Fraser

by A. K. Steel

She stands up from the table and walks over to me. She goes to touch my arm, but I pull away. “I can see I’m not going to get anywhere with you today. It’s obviously been a long day for you, but I’m your mother and I want to be part of your life now. I’ll come back tomorrow when you're not so tired.”

  “No, don’t, I don’t want anything to do with you. You destroyed Dad and me when you left, and you never looked back. It was all about you. It’s always all about you. You abandoned us. I don’t even know what would have happened to us if it wasn’t for the Walkers. They took us in and helped Dad get back on his feet. They’re my family, not you. A woman that walks away and doesn't look back on her child, her family, can't call herself my mother and expect to be a part of my life in any way.”

  “I had my reasons, Fraser. Now that you're older I thought I might be able to talk to you so you can understand my side.”

  “I will never understand your side. It doesn't matter what you have to say. You didn't just leave Dad, you left me, and I didn’t hear a thing from you until last month.”

  She looks angry now and that's the face I remember, my mum drunk with a fight to pick, normally with my dad. He never earned enough money, or didn’t do enough around the house, or it was his fault she had to look elsewhere for companionship because he worked too much.

  “You know you will never really be a part of that picture-perfect family. They just feel sorry for you. You're like a stray dog. They’ll take you in and look after you, but you’ll never be one of them. They're not your real family. You come from a family of fuck-ups and alcoholics, and it’s surprising you're doing so well. But I’m sure it's only a matter of time before you’ll fuck up your own life,” she sneers, with a murderous look in her eyes.

  ”There's the woman I know! I knew you couldn’t put on this nice act for too long. Your true colours had to shine through eventually.”

  “Well, I’m the only real family you will ever have.”

  “That's not true. I’ve got Dad. He’s the only real family that I will ever have, not you!”

  Her face breaks into a sarcastic smile. “Yeah, the man you call Dad. Except he’s not your blood!”

  With those words, I feel a chill run through my entire body. “What do you mean?” I spit at her.

  “It's a long story, Fraser, and you're obviously too tired to talk tonight, so maybe another time.”

  My heart is pounding so fast I can hear it in my ears. What in the actual fuck is she on about? Is this her feral attempt to get under my skin, spinning some lies?

  “Well, you clearly came here to tell me, so go on!”

  “Your dad and I had been married for five years and trying for a baby since we got married. It just wasn’t happening. I saw a doctor and had some tests done, and I knew it wasn’t me causing the problem. Your dad, being the stubborn man he was, refused to get the tests done. He said it would happen when the timing was right.

  “But I couldn’t wait and hope that it might just happen by some miracle when there was clearly a problem with him. So, I took things into my own hands before I got too old and couldn’t conceive at all. I waited until the timing was right. As luck would have it, your dad was away on a business trip for the weekend, so I went to a bar and found a guy I thought looked all right, and nine months later you were born. Your father was stupid enough to believe you were the miracle we had been waiting for. He never worked it out.”

  “You're lying. Why would you wait until now to tell me? There's no way this is true.”

  “Haven’t you ever wondered why you look nothing like your dad?” she scoffs sarcastically.

  What is happening here? The room is spinning and I feel like I can’t breathe. The anger is pulsing through my body. I can't believe what I’m hearing.

  “So you're saying I’m the result of a drunken, one-night stand with some stranger. You fucking bitch. How could you do that to Dad. He loved you. Even though you were horrible to him and treated him like shit, he still worshipped you, and when you left, he fell apart and prayed you would come back. But truth be told, we were both better off without you and your poison. Get the fuck out of my house.”

  “You have to understand. I wanted a baby before it got too late in life. Sometimes you do crazy things. It's because I wanted you so badly.”

  “No, I don’t understand. None of this makes any sense. If you love someone you don't do that to them... and if you wanted a baby so badly, how could you walk out on me when I was only 14? Did I turn out to be such a disappointment that you just left me behind? What the fuck is that?”

  “It wasn’t you that I left, it was your dad. We couldn’t stop fighting. I had to leave.”

  “More lies. You need to leave Dad out of this. I know for a fact you left with another man, I saw you leave. I’m not stupid! You’re such a liar. I don’t believe anything you say. You need to get the fuck out now!” I open the front door. “Don’t ever contact me again.”

  “Get a paternity test. You’ll see I’m not lying.”

  I slam the door in her face. Her fucking lies. There's no way he’s not my dad. I might not look that much like him but we're so similar in other ways. He’s my dad. I know it.

  I don't even know how to process what she told me. It's too much. I need to message Elly. I can't go around there tonight. I need to think this over and try and process what my mum said.

  Fraser: Gorgeous, I’m going to stay at home tonight.

  Elly: No worries, baby, hope everything is okay?

  Fraser: Yeah, just need a quiet night. Sweet dreams x

  Elly: You too xx

  Elena

  It's only 6am but I’m sitting up in bed doodling in my ideas book for the business I’m starting with Indie. I’ve been having so much trouble sleeping the last few weeks with everything that's going on, with Dad being sick, and us starting our new business.

  With so much extra time on my hands, I’ve been using it to work out ideas for the business. So, in the last week, we have worked out our budgets for our styling furniture and a price list so we know how much to charge our clients. We still need a name and logo so we can organise our marketing side of things, and nothing seems right yet. Hopefully Indie has some better ideas than me. As the artist, I’m sure she will come up with something amazing. My phone lights up the screen with Fraser's name. It's early for him.

  “Morning, gorgeous.”

  “Morning, baby, I missed you last night.”

  “Yeah, sorry about that, you're not going to like this then.”

  “What is it?”

  “I’ve had to book a trip down to see Dad. He’s in Victoria at the moment and there's just some stuff I need to talk to him about in person. I’m on my way to the airport now.”

  “Is he okay, Fraser?”

  “Yeah, he’s fine. Just some family stuff that needs to be sorted out. Nothing to worry about. Sorry I couldn’t see you before I left, it was all really last-minute, and this early flight this morning was the only flight I could get today.”

  “That's fine, I’ll miss you, though. When will you be back?”

  “Should be back on Sunday, just see how I go. The reception probably won't be very good where we are staying, so don’t be surprised if you can't get hold of me while I’m gone.”

  “Okay, Fraser. Well, good luck with it all. Let me know when you get in.”

  “I will, gorgeous. See you later.”

  “I hope you work it out, bye.”

  Wow. What was that? It must be something pretty major going on with his dad for him to just take off like that. Not even time to come and say goodbye. I try to think back over the last few days, and everything was completely normal, no red flags pointing to him having to take off. If his dad's health is okay, why the urgency? Doesn't make any sense. Did I do something wrong yesterday? This is all so strange. I try to shake it off, but all of a sudden, I have an uneasy feeling washing over me, a strange sinking feeling; something’s not right, I just know it.

  Well, I gu
ess I’m going to have a whole lot of time to work this week. We haven’t even been together that long, but already I’m not sure what to do without him around. Exactly what I promised myself I wouldn’t do again after what happened with Jessie. Rely on a guy to rule my world instead of mapping it out for myself. So much for “Miss Independent”. I’m going to spend the week pining over him, I just know I will, and he didn’t even care enough to drop in and say goodbye before he left.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Fraser

  I pull my bag off the baggage carousel and wheel it through the airport to the front entrance. As the doors slide open, I’m hit with the cold winter air. Victoria is freezing this time of year and the wind hits my face with an icy chill.

  I see him before he sees me. There’s the man that raised me. His smiling face lights up as soon as he sees me walking out of the airport terminal. I hope he is my dad. How could he not be? We have always had a close relationship. We get each other without having to say a word, and where most teens fight with their parents, I never did with him. We have always been close. I had to come and find out for sure. I didn't sleep at all last night. The words my mum said are eating me up inside, and I have no idea what he knows. It's not the kind of conversation you have over the phone. So a quick trip to Victoria was the only solution.

  “Hey, Dad.”

  “Son.” He wraps his arms around me, bringing me in for a hug, his head coming up to my shoulder. I’m a head taller than him and it never bothered me before this moment. We really are nothing alike in the looks department. His hair, although thinning now, is a sandy blond, his complexion is fair. My hair is dark brown, almost black, and thick with a bit of a curl to it, and my skin is olive. We're nothing alike. I always just thought, growing up, that I must have taken after Mum’s side in the looks department. But maybe what she said is true.

  We make our way to his car parked in the lot. “So, what brings you all this way to see your old dad?”

  “Can’t a boy just miss his father? It's been too long and talking over the phone’s just not the same.”

  “You can, but somehow I get the feeling this impromptu visit has more to it. Is everything okay with Elena and her dad?”

  “Yeah, she's fine. Jim’s doing much better than two weeks ago. Still not out of the woods yet but improving every day.”

  “I’m sure, knowing Jim, he will be back on his feet before we know it. Janice and I will make a trip home next month and we might stay awhile so I can visit him. He was always there for me, and I want to be able to do something for him in his time of need.”

  “That would be nice, Dad. It would be good to have you around. You can come in and see our new office. I’ve missed you.”

  He wraps his arm around my shoulder. “Come on, let's get you back to the caravan park and get you settled for the night before dinner. You're going to love it there. It's set in bushland which also has a jetty looking out over the water. It was a good idea for you to book a cabin in the park we’re staying in. There's not much room in the van, and you know what Janice and I are like!” He laughs at me with a wink.

  “Dad, too much information! I’m glad I booked the cabin now! I don’t need to be scarred for life.”

  “What can I say, I’m a lucky man.”

  He opens the boot on his four-wheel drive SUV, and I throw my bag in and I jump in. He smiles across at me. “I’m glad you're here, son.” He smiles as he drives out of the airport car park. “How long are you staying for?”

  “Just until Sunday. I can't take any more time off work. We are so busy at the moment. I feel bad leaving the boys with the extra work but hopefully our new office manager will be able to pick up some of the slack for them. I’m going to have to do a bit of work while I’m here, but we should manage to have some time to relax as well. Do you have your fishing stuff with you?”

  “Sure do. We will definitely be going fishing. Janice isn’t so keen, so I’ve been going alone. It'll be great to have you with me.”

  On the drive back to the caravan park we’re both quiet, wrapped up in our own thoughts. I have no idea how to bring up what Mum said. I don’t want to hurt him, but if I’m not his son, I need to know, and he has the right to know, after all this time, what she did to him. I think I’ll leave it till tomorrow so I can have one last night pretending the only good part of my family was actually real.

  They say time flies when you're having fun, and the last 24 hours with my dad and Janice have gone really fast. It's like the old days with Dad. Every summer he would take a week off work and we would go camping near the beach. We’d spend days swimming and catching fresh fish for dinner. I hadn’t even realised how much I’d missed those times we had together. Once I finished school and went off to uni, life got so busy that we just stopped going. This trip is long overdue.

  It’s been nice to get to know Janice. I haven’t spent much time with her before, but I can see why Dad likes her. She’s warm and caring and she adores him, which is exactly what he deserves. Janice said she never had kids because she didn’t find the right person in time. It's a shame they met later in life. You can see they would have made wonderful parents together and what I’d have given to have a mother like her. It’s so nice to see him finally happy which makes what I have to do tonight even harder.

  I feel bad for the way I left, not saying goodbye to Elly properly, but I just couldn’t face her yesterday. I messaged her when I got in, so she knew I was safe. I know I should call her today but I’m having trouble bringing myself to. I don’t know what to say to her. She wouldn’t understand this situation. It's so far from the family she grew up with, and I feel so inferior to her. She just wouldn’t understand what I’m going through. I mean, how could she? My head has been a total mess since Mum said those words, and everything I thought I wanted, I’m not so sure of anymore.

  Janice has gone into town to get some groceries for dinner while Dad and I sit at the end of the dock fishing, just like we used to do when I was a kid. So now's the perfect time to bring it up, while it's just the two of us. But what do I say?

  “Dad... have you heard from Mum at all lately?”

  He raises a brow. “Lately? That’s a bit left-field, son. I haven’t heard anything since she walked out on us all those years ago. Why do you ask?”

  “She rang a couple of months ago asking for money.”

  I can see his whole face change. I never bring Mum up. I know how much it upsets him and he looks really mad now.

  “She rang you asking for money!”

  “Yeah, she did. It was really strange. She said things weren’t going so well. She had been dumped or something and heard I’ve started a business and am doing all right, so could I give her $10,000, to help get her back on her feet.”

  “She’s got to be fucking kidding. Don’t give her a cent, son!”

  “I didn’t, I hung up on her, but last Sunday she turned up at my house.”

  He runs his hands through his hair. “She what? What was she expecting? She just turns up after all this time and you would feel sorry for her and give her money?”

  “I have no idea what she was expecting. She tried to play happy family, then when I wouldn’t play along, she got mad and told me a whole heap of shit which I hope to god isn’t true.”

  “Like what?” He looks over to me, waiting for my answer.

  “She said you’re not my real father. But that couldn’t be true, could it?”

  His head drops and he looks down at the water below. “It might be?” His eyes rise to meet mine again.

  “What do you mean? Did you know this all along?”

  “No, I didn’t, and I didn’t know for sure.”

  I’m up now pacing. He knew. What the fuck! None of this is making sense. If he knew, why would he have raised me if he didn't have to?

  “I can't believe this! How could it be true? I wanted you to tell me there's no way and it's all lies.”

  “Sit down, son, stop pacing. I’ll tell you w
hat I know.”

  I sit back down beside him, but I'm so agitated it's hard to sit still, my heart is pounding and fists clenched. I feel like I’m about to lose control. This shit isn’t happening.

  “About six months after your mother left us, I finally decided to clean out the stuff she left behind. She wasn’t coming back, and I needed it gone so I could move on.

  “As I was sorting through her things, I found an old diary of hers. It was in a little blue box with some of your baby things. At the time I thought it was strange, as there were no other diaries in her things, and I couldn’t remember her ever writing in one, so I started to read it. It was a diary of her pregnancy with you, starting at conception. The diary explained how she felt about the fact that I couldn’t give her the baby she so desperately wanted. So, she took it into her own hands before she was too old to have one.”

  This is too much. I feel like my head is spinning. How is this true? Who am I even? The son of a fucking alcoholic, lying cheating bitch, and some stranger. This is fucking unbelievable.

  I look over to him and I can see the tears in his eyes and the pain on his face. This is bringing it all back again for both of us.

  “But, if it's true, and you're not my biological dad, why did you keep me when Mum left? I wasn’t your problem. You didn’t have to take care of me, so why would you?”

  The tears roll down his face now and shift my anger towards my mum into sadness for him. “You were my son regardless of whether I was your biological father. I raised you and loved you from the moment you were born. I don’t care if I’m your biological father or not, I’m still your dad.” He reaches out for my hand. “I will always be your dad, this doesn't change that.” He pulls me in for a hug, and I can't help it. Something has snapped inside of me; tears I have been holding in since she left start to trickle down my face. We sit for an extended period looking out to sea. This is all too much.

  “Why didn’t you tell me at the time, when you found it?”