Always Fraser

by A. K. Steel

  “I didn’t know anything for sure, and you were a 14-year-old boy who had just lost his mother. How would you have coped with that as well? When I read that diary, it crushed me worse than when she left. You’re everything to me, son. I made the decision then that, no matter what I had read in that diary, it didn’t change how I felt about you and what you are to me. You will always be my boy.”

  “Don’t you need to know for sure, Dad, like having a paternity test?”

  He shakes his head. “If you need to, son, but it changes nothing for me.”

  “I think I need to go for a walk and clear my head.”

  “Okay, son. I’ll be waiting here for you when you get back.”

  As I walk, all I can think about is how could she do this to him, to us! I’m half of a man I don’t even know and have no chance of finding, and somewhere out there is a man that has no idea I’m his child. I can't help but wonder what he’s like. Would I look like him?

  Not knowing where I came from makes me feel sick to my stomach, and as much as I know I shouldn’t, I need something to take the pain away from this heavy feeling in my chest. I can handle it this time, I just need a couple of drinks to take the edge off.

  Chapter Twenty

  Fraser

  Dad didn't bring up the whole paternity thing again for the rest of the week. We just spent quality time together as we would have on any normal holiday. But it's not normal. My family is fucked up! I always knew we weren't a picture-perfect family, but it's so much worse than I ever thought. It's not Dad’s fault, so I would never take it out on him. What he did for me, bringing me up alone when he knew I wasn’t his blood, took so much strength and courage. He’s a better man than me. I don’t know if I would be able to do the same thing if I were in his shoes.

  I flew home today and now I’m sitting in the pub, just around the corner from Elly’s apartment, and having a drink to calm my nerves before I go to see her. I know I probably shouldn’t be drinking, but I just need something to take the edge off, something to take away the pain that’s been lodged in my chest since I saw my mother a week ago.

  The scotch goes down so well. I didn’t even realise how much I’ve missed it until this past week. But it's the only way I can relax and calm all the thoughts in my head. I have no idea how I’m supposed to move past this and get on with my life. I feel broken and completely lost. I have no idea who my biological dad is and no way of finding out, even if I wanted to. The thought is messing with my head. I’m not even me anymore. I don’t know who I am. I’m fucking messed up. How do I move on with my life when I have no fucking idea who I am? I wish I could go back to before she said it, or un-hear what she said, and just go back to not knowing.

  Two drinks later, feeling a little more in control, I make my way out of the pub up to Elly’s apartment. Hopefully she’s home, I need to see her.

  Elena

  Drew is leaving early tomorrow. He's got a big surf comp next week in Brazil, so Mum’s throwing a special Sunday-night dinner. Indie and Blake are joining us as well. I don't even care if Fraser gets all jealous about it. I haven’t heard from him since he landed at the airport in Victoria on Monday to go and visit his dad.

  I've messaged and called a few times but haven’t gotten anything back. He said before he left that reception might be a problem, so hopefully that's all it is. He does have me a little worried, though. Our conversation on Monday morning before he left was so strange and I have had a feeling of unease ever since. If he really wanted to talk to me, he would have found a way, bad reception or not. In this day and age, there is always a way to contact someone if you want to.

  Dad’s in bed resting. I want to see him before everyone else gets here. “Hey, Dad. How are you feeling today?”

  “Elly, what a nice surprise.” He pats the bed for me to come and sit with him. “I’m feeling good today, just a bit tired. I went on a bit of a walk this morning and it's taken it out of me. How's your week been?”

  I sit next to him and kiss him on the forehead. “I don't know, kinda odd,” I say, raising my eyebrows.

  “Why's that, honey? What's going on?”

  “Fraser has been away with some family thing. I haven’t talked to him all week. It's just a bit unusual for him, we normally talk every day. Maybe it's a good thing. Things were moving kind of fast with us. I don't know, maybe he’s changed his mind.”

  “His family is pretty complicated, honey. Maybe he just needed a bit of space to deal with some stuff. I'm sure, once he gets back, everything will be fine. We can all see how much he adores you.”

  “I hope you're right, Dad,” I smile at him sadly, squeezing his hand.

  We can hear chatter coming from the lounge room. “Sounds like the others have arrived, honey. You better get out there and enjoy the special dinner your mum’s organised.”

  “Can’t I just hide out in here with you all night? I don’t feel like socialising.”

  “No. Your mother would kill you. She's gone to a lot of trouble for this dinner,” he laughs. “Go on, go have a good night with your brother before he leaves us again. I’ll come out a bit later.”

  I walk into the living room and everyone’s already sitting out the back on the deck with drinks in hand. I get a fresh drink from the fridge and make my way out to them, pulling up a seat next to Drew.

  “Wish you didn't have to leave so soon, baby brother.”

  “Yeah, me either, this time. I don't want to leave while Dad’s still not one hundred percent, but if I don't, I’ll lose my place on the tour. Mum assures me she’ll let me know if I need to come home for anything. But, if she doesn’t, you will, won't you? You know what she's like. She’ll probably let me stay away too long. I want to know if anything happens.” He looks so worried, it must be hard having to leave at the moment.

  “Of course, I’ll keep you up to date daily. He’s going to be fine, though. Look at him today, he's looking so much better already. You won't need to come home, go and be the superstar we all know you are.”

  He gives me a lopsided smile. “Superstar, hey. I knew you were my biggest fan!”

  “Ha ha, not likely, but I’m going to miss you, little brother.”

  “You’ll be fine. You’ve got Fraser now. You don’t need me anymore.”

  “I’ll always need you! And I’m not so sure how well I’ve got Fraser. I haven’t even heard from him at all this week, since he went to see his dad in Victoria.”

  “Really? You should talk to Blake, he seems to know what's going on with him. But you know how Fraser can be. I’m sure there's nothing to worry about.”

  “Hey, Blakie, come talk to me,” I pat the seat next to me. He makes his way over and sits down. “So, tell me, have you heard from Fraser this week?”

  “Only a couple of times. I think his reception is pretty bad.”

  “But you have heard from him?”

  He looks surprised. “Hasn’t he called you?”

  “Nope, or answered any of my messages. Nothing,” I sigh, with a shrug.

  “I shouldn’t be telling you this, Elly, and I don’t want you to worry, but he’s just going through some family stuff. He probably just needs a little space to process.”

  “Stuff he can talk to you about but not me?”

  “Elly, I don’t want to get in the middle of you two. He’ll talk to you when he’s ready. I’m sure he’ll ring first thing when he gets back.”

  “I hope you’re right. Something feels really off.” He offers me a small smile. He’d better be right. I’m not feeling good about this situation at all.

  Mum fusses over us all at dinner, and it’s nice as always, although on the healthier side, because she's on a health kick with Dad, since he had the heart attack. So it's all salads with grilled chicken, salmon steaks and lentils. I’m not complaining, it's still delicious.

  Dad made an appearance to eat a little but was too tired to stay for long, so he’s back in bed now. He’s such a big presence in our family normally. It
’s strange when he’s not here. Mum’s overcompensating majorly and has made a ridiculous amount of food. I think Indie and I are going to have enough leftovers for the week. Mum’s lined the Tupperware containers up on the kitchen bench and we have been instructed to take it with us.

  I’ve said my goodbyes to Drew. We won't see him again until Christmas now unless Dad gets worse and he needs to come home. I grab my leftovers and head for the car. Indie’s going to stay out for a bit, she has a date or something.

  No sooner have I walked in the front door and dumped my bag and keys, than there's a knock at the door. I open the door and I see Fraser’s handsome face staring back at me, his hair all messy and his eyes ablaze with desire.

  “Fraser,” I jump into his arms, wrapping my legs around his waist. “I’ve missed you,” I say into his lips as I kiss him. He tastes like scotch and his lips feel so good on mine. All the worry I had earlier disappearing.

  “I’ve missed you too, gorgeous.” He kisses me with desperation, running his fingers through my hair.

  I pull back from him and look into his grey eyes. He looks different somehow. There are dark circles under his eyes, he looks like he hasn't slept all week. His stubble is longer than normal and starting to form a thick dark beard. “Why didn’t you call me? Is everything okay? I was getting worried.”

  “Let's talk later, I’ve missed you.” With my legs still hooked around his waist, he wraps his arms around me, hugging me into his chest, and carries me to my room.

  He places me on my bed and climbs over me, removing my top over my head. His lips are back on mine, slowly kissing me now like he’s savouring every little bit.

  I should close my eyes, but they’re fixed on his and his with mine. This is so intimate. He’s so intense, but his grey eyes are so pale and look sad. He slowly removes my jeans, dropping them to the floor, then kisses back up my body, spreading my legs. He lets out a growl as he makes it between my legs, pulling my panties to the side, licking me, tasting me, while all the time his eyes are on mine.

  He strips off his clothes while I remove my panties and bra. We're lying in my bed completely naked, just kissing. Our bodies are intertwined with each other, not able to get enough, but not wanting to break apart either.

  This is heaven. It's so nice to have him back. I was starting to worry he might be done with me. Our lips remain locked as our tongues dance and our kiss becomes more aggressive, more hurried and desperate. I need him in me, to feel the connection we have when our bodies are one. His hand makes its way down my tummy to my hip, leaving a trail of goosebumps in its path. I’m so turned on I can barely stand it. All the time we’ve had apart has me needy and desperate for him to fill me up.

  He lines himself up with my entrance and slowly pushes inside me. There's no warm-up tonight. I can feel his desperation in everything he does. He’s missed me too. My back arches off the bed, needing him to move, but he hesitates and pulls back. His eyes stare into mine like he’s looking into my soul, questioning me, but I don’t know what the answer is. All I know is, I love this man with everything I have, and I never want to be away from him again.

  His eyes close as he slowly starts moving inside me. It's slow and intimate, so different to every other time I’ve been with him. This is something out of this world, a connection like no other. My body shudders as we reach our climax together, our foreheads pressed against one another. That was so intimate, I have tears welling in my eyes, and I can’t even explain why it was just so much more. I pull back to look at him; his eyes are sad, he looks lost, like a lost little boy. I remember when I’ve seen those sad eyes before; this was like our first time. My heart starts to race in panic. This was different for a reason, something is wrong.

  “What's wrong, Fraser? Why are you looking at me like you just lost your puppy?” He rolls off me and I feel the sudden urge to cover myself up, so I sit up and pull the sheets up over my chest.

  “I’m sorry, Elly, I can't be who you want me to be. I’m not the right man for you.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  He’s sitting on the side of the bed looking at the floor. He can't even look at me now. “Play happy-ever-after, pretend like this will all work out perfectly, that's not how things work out for me.”

  “What are you talking about? Did something happen when you visited your dad?”

  He gets up and starts to dress, and I sit in silence, trying to wrap my head around the words he’s saying. What the fuck is going on? One minute he can’t get enough of me, now he’s telling me he can’t do this.

  He turns to look at me, his face now hardened and serious. “I’m sorry, but I’m not the man for you. You need someone who can treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Someone you can create a life with, and that's not me.”

  I sit up on the bed silently pleading with him with my eyes. “Where is all this coming from? Don’t you think I should be the judge of that?”

  “No, I'm making this call. I want you to be happy, have a happy life. I can’t hold you back from that anymore because I’m jealous. I’m letting you go.”

  “You make me happy, Fraser. What are you talking about?”

  “Yeah, but I won't, that's the thing. I’m not the man you want, I can't be him.”

  Now I’m fuming fucking mad. He came here knowing he was going to end it, and he still fucked me. What a fucking arsehole. I don’t even know who this man is.

  “Seems like your mind is made up then. You're done with me just like that. I had heard the rumours, you get what you want then dump ‘em when you're bored. I should’ve known it was too good to be true and that I wouldn’t be any different.”

  “Yeah, you're right. I’m not the kind to settle down, that's what I’m trying to say.”

  “Wow! What the fuck was this then! One more fuck for the road? You came here tonight to break up with me and you thought you’d get in one last screw before you left me forever? I don’t know what I ever saw in you. I should’ve known better.”

  “Elly, it's not like that with you. I’m sorry, I’m a selfish arsehole, I know. I just had to have you one last time, you have to understand, I just needed to say goodbye to you.”

  “Well, you got everything you came for, so goodbye, Fraser, nice fucking knowing you. You can get the fuck out of my life now.” I lie back down, turning my back to him. He may have just ripped my heart out but he’s not going to see my tears.

  He lets out a sigh and I hear him walk out of the room. I hear the front door open and shut. He's really gone. That's it, the man I have loved since I was 16, and now he is gone forever. It's over.

  I pull my pillow into my chest as the tears I’ve been holding in break free. My chest hurts so much I feel like I could die from the pain. I never thought someone I loved so much could hurt me like this, especially not him. I sob into my pillow until I have nothing left.

  My eyes are dry, and I stare at the ceiling in the dark. I should go and take a shower, wash the pain away like I normally do, but I can't.

  His smell still lingers on me and in my sheets. I can't let that go, not yet. Even if he is a cold-hearted bastard who clearly never cared about me in the way I did him, I’ll just hang on to it for tonight. I hug my pillow into my chest tighter, and close my eyes, letting sleep take me away from the pain.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Elena

  It's been three weeks since Fraser walked out on me, and I haven’t seen or heard from him since. Any work The Green Door boys need me to do comes through either Blake or their new office manager. We always said, right from the start, it won't affect our working relationship, and it won't as long as we don’t have to be in the same room together. If I never have to see him again, it will be too soon.

  I still have no idea what he was talking about that night. It’s got something to do with his family but that's all I know. Guess it's not my problem now.

  Except I can't stop thinking about him. Why is he so far under my skin that I’m still wor
ried about him? Even after the way he treated me. That night he was acting so strange. I’ve never seen him like that before. At first, I was hurt, thinking I was the stupid one for thinking I could change him somehow and that he would settle down with me. I felt stupid for believing we were falling in love.

  Now that I’ve had time to process, though, I know there's got to be more to all of this. Blake just keeps telling me to be patient and give Fraser time to deal with it. But what's he dealing with and why can't we just talk about it? I hate all the secrets and it sucks because I feel like I’m losing Blake too. They're just so close and he would never say a bad word about Fraser. No matter what he does, Blake always has an excuse to cover for him. I don't know what it is between the two of them. There's got to be more to their past than either of them let on.

  I look up from my spot on the cash register to see Tristan and Luca walk into the café. Today has been nonstop busy so I’m taking orders and Indie’s just churning out coffees as fast as she can.

  “Hey, guys, to what do we owe the pleasure? You don’t normally come in on a Saturday. Just after the usual?” I ask.

  “Yeah, we were just in the area and thought we would drop in and see our favourite baristas. What are you ladies doing when you finish your shift today?” asks Tristan.

  “Don’t know about Elly, but I’m free,” Indie calls out over my shoulder from her spot on the coffee machine.

  “Sorry, guys, would have loved to, maybe another time. I’ve got a baby shower for my sister-in-law straight after this.”

  “Sounds exciting!” Tristan teases.

  “Yeah, I know! Just what I feel like doing with my Saturday, but Mum would kill me if I didn’t turn up, sorry.”

  “Well, what about I give you my number and you and Indie work out when you're free, and the four of us can do something more fun then.” He writes their numbers down on a napkin and Indie puts it in her apron.