Always Fraser

by A. K. Steel

  I hand them their drinks. “See you guys on Monday.”

  “See you then, ladies,” Luca says with a wink as they walk out of the café.

  “You're no fun, Elly,” Indie grumbles, throwing a marshmallow at me.

  “Hey!” I turn and give her a filthy look. “What! I do have a shower this afternoon.”

  “Yeah, I know, but you're never going to call them anyway, are you?”

  “You don’t know that.” I pout.

  “Fraser’s gone, Elly. I know you're sad it's over, but he was the one that ended it. I'm sure he’s out there having his own fun. We need a night out and those boys are fun. You know it would be a good night, we get on with them both so well. Do it for me, I need this,” she begs.

  I roll my eyes at her dramatics. “You're probably right, but I’m just not ready, I'm sorry, Indie.”

  Indie smiles at me sympathetically and goes back to cleaning the coffee machine. I think the crazy rush is finally over, thankfully. I just want to get out of here today. “I’m going to wipe the tables down.”

  “No worries, chick.”

  On top of Fraser leaving me out of the blue, I’m so stressed. I’m having trouble sleeping and stomaching food, neither of which has ever been a problem for me in the past. I usually love to eat. I’ve lost so much weight my clothes are all falling off me and I’m considering a shopping trip this week so I can get something that will fit.

  It just feels like everything has got on top of me all at once with Dad being sick. It’s hard to see the man who has always been my family’s strength recovering from his surgery. Instead of being my big, strong dad, he still looks so thin and frail.

  Mum’s still in total overkill mode. She's like an Energizer bunny running from work to doctors’ appointments with Dad, then cooking meals like a crazy woman. She has been delivering food to us for some reason. I think it's the only way she knows how to cope.

  She literally hasn’t stopped since Dad collapsed that day. I’m getting worried that it's all going to hit her and she's going to crash.

  I haven’t told any of them about me and Fraser. I’m sure they're wondering why he’s not around, but for now, they don’t need to know what happened. It's just something else for Mum to worry about and she doesn't need that. She’s got enough on her plate.

  Indie has been great, having not long ago been through a break-up with someone she was in love with for a long time. She's been trying to distract me as best she can and keep me laughing. I’m not sure what I would do without her. I’m so glad I decided to move in with her because she's the best friend a girl could ask for.

  Blake is also in contact every couple of days, checking in on me and on Dad’s progress. I’m not sure if Fraser is putting him up to it, probably not, but I just can't believe he could stop caring completely. It just doesn't make sense. Even if he’s done with me, this family was a massive part of his life.

  I’m done with the tables and it's 1pm, so my shift is over.

  “I’m out of here, Indie, see you at home later,” I call as I throw my apron on the hook and grab my bag.

  “Yeah, I’ll be there, sitting around the house bored, not on some fun date with a sexy guy, like I should be.”

  “Sorry, maybe soon, Indie.” She rolls her eyes at me.

  I make my way down the road to Mum and Dad's house. Mum’s hosting Fiona's baby shower. It's hard to believe she's halfway already, 20 weeks along. It’s probably a bit early to have the shower now, but Mum insisted we all needed something to cheer us up. Apparently, an afternoon of tiny finger food and looking at baby stuff is supposed to make all our problems go away.

  Fi is looking fantastic in her active wear. She's got that pregnancy glow you hear about, with just a little baby bump. If you didn’t know she was pregnant, you would just think she had a big lunch. I wouldn’t expect anything less from her. She's a total health nut. She works out five days a week and eats the healthiest diet of anyone I know. She’ll be one of those types to pop out the baby and be at the gym the following Monday, I’m sure.

  The shower is a collection of her work friends, besties from school, her sister and mum, my mum, and me. Her sister is nothing like her. She's a total princess dressed in some fancy sundress, and I can see she drives Fi nuts. It's really funny to watch them interact. I wonder how they could have grown up in the same house and turned out so completely different.

  We get a moment, after all the present unwrapping is done, and Fi gives me the ‘please save me’ look and I’m on to it.

  “Fi, can I get some help out the front with something?”

  “Thank you for saving me, Elly. I don’t know whose idea it was for this shower, but it's not my thing at all. Do you think we could just escape for the rest of the afternoon and no one would notice?”

  I let out a little laugh at how dramatic she’s being. “That's pretty obvious, thanks for doing this for Mum, though. I think she needed it to take her mind off everything.”

  “That's okay, I think we all did,” she says, rubbing her belly. “It helps to make it all feel more real for me too.”

  “I bet. I have no idea how you process bringing a child into the world. You're a braver woman than me. Just the idea of it scares the shit out of me!”

  “Well, I’ll let you in on a little secret… it scares me too, but don’t tell Theo.”

  “I would never, us girls have to stick together.”

  “Speaking of that, how are you holding up? You don’t look yourself lately, Elly.”

  “I’m just tired. There's so much going on.”

  “Nothing to do with you and Fraser breaking up?” She raises a knowing brow at me.

  “How did you know?”

  “It's my job to notice what's going on around me, that's why I'll make a good detective one day.”

  “Now you sound like Theo, and yes, you will.”

  “Oh, I do, don’t I?” she laughs. “I spend a lot of time with him. Don’t you tell him I said that! But really, how are you?”

  “I don’t know. Confused. I don’t even know what happened.”

  “I’m sure you two will work it out. There are just some people who are meant to be together, and you two are meant to be, I just know it,” she smiles.

  I shrug. “I don’t know about that anymore. I don't think I could ever even talk to him again after the way he ended it. And besides, he’s probably on to the next girl by now, knowing him.”

  “You know you weren’t just another girl, Elly. Something must have happened for him to end it.”

  I shrug. I’m over talking about him, it's just depressing. I need to change the subject.

  “Has Theo stopped micromanaging you?” I ask.

  “No, he's been worse than ever. He’s been in the boss’s ear too. I’ve only got three more weeks as his partner, then I’ve been given light duties in the office.”

  “I bet that went down well when you found out!”

  “Right! He’s still in the doghouse. I know his heart is in the right place, but I’m a big girl and I can look after myself. I know what I can handle.”

  “I’m sure you do. You’re scary as fuck. I wouldn’t mess with you!” I nudge her arm. She just laughs at me.

  “Guess I better go back in, plaster a fake smile on my face, and pretend like I’m having fun.”

  “You better, it's all for you. I might sneak out, though, before Mum starts on me. I’ll see you tomorrow night at dinner.” She hugs me and wanders back inside.

  Fraser

  It’s Saturday night, and after a massive home game I’m out with the rugby lads. Blake refused to come, had something better to do in Sydney or something. He said he’s not watching me self-destruct everything I’ve worked so hard for. Ash is with his fiancée so he's no good to me.

  So I’m on my own. Some mate he is. Blake's being kind of a dick lately. But I don’t care, that’s his loss tonight. I'm out to have some fun with the boys, and after a couple of drinks, I’m starting to feel at pe
ace with the world again. With a drink in hand, all my fucked-up thoughts are a thing of the past.

  Shea has just walked into the bar and spots me, her face lighting up as she offers a little wave. I’m sitting at the bar, and her eyes don’t lose contact with mine as she talks to her friend. I know what's coming next; she’s not the kind of woman that gives up easily, which is why she's such a good real estate agent.

  She walks over to me swaying her hips as she goes. The term cougar would suit her perfectly. She's in a tight black dress which is cut low in the front, showing off her fake tits, and wearing massive heels, showing off her long legs. She’s really not my type. She's a little too manufactured. But the only girl who is my type, I’ve completely fucked up with. So now this is the life I’m destined to live. No one will compare to Elly. But that's okay, I don’t plan on settling down with anyone, so it doesn’t matter. A quick fuck is all I’m up for, someone to take my mind off my fucked-up life.

  “Well, look who it is, out on his own. Did the girlfriend let you out for the night, Fraser?” she teases, running her hand across my shoulder.

  “No girlfriend!”

  “What happened, Fraser? You realise she was too stuck up and you needed someone a little more fun like me?” she says, biting her lip.

  “Maybe... why don’t you join me, Shea, and we'll see how much fun you can be.”

  “Sounds good to me, baby, I’m glad you’ve finally come around. What you drinking? I’ll top you up.”

  “Scotch.”

  We spend the next three hours talking and laughing with each other. Every time she touches me, I feel guilty. I don’t know why, it's not like I’m still with Elly. I broke it off, so I shouldn’t feel so guilty for hanging out with Shea. But breaking up with Elly doesn’t change the way I feel about her. Nothing will ever change that, no matter how much I drink.

  But I know it's better this way, for her anyway. The drunker I get, the better this idea looks. Most of the other boys have made their way home so I guess it's time I do too. Maybe one last drink...

  Shea’s all over me now. She's been trying all night, but now she's ramped up the sluttiness. “Come on, baby, let's go back to your place, keep this night going.”

  Even in my drunken state, I know this is a bad idea, but I no longer care. I can't make things any worse. I have already fucked up my chances with Elly beyond repair. So why not just go back to the single life, have fun, don't worry about the consequences.

  “Fuck it, why not?” I wrap my arm around Shea’s shoulders, and we walk out of the pub and up the street, towards my place. I’m a little drunker than I originally thought. I may need her to hold me up as we walk.

  Opening the front door, I can’t see a fucking thing, the lights are all off. I fumble around trying to find the light switch and manage to knock over a lamp in the process. It crashes to the ground. “Oops.” I can't help but laugh. I’m not sure who’s more drunk, Shea or me, but everything she’s doing is fucking hilarious and I can't stop laughing.

  I can hear Blake coming down the hall. He finds the light switch and flicks it on. “Fraser, what the fuck are you doing? It’s 1am.” Blake’s “Mr Serious”, as normal. Maybe he’s my dad cause he sure acts like it. I laugh at the thought. Fuck, I’m really drunk, laughing at my own jokes.

  “Lighten up, man, come join us and have a little fun like last time we got drunk together. I’m sure Shea’s up for it.” I look at Shea, giving her a wink.

  “I’m up for anything, baby, you know that. Come on, Blake, come have some fun.”

  “Have you lost your mind? Are you trying to completely fuck up your chances with Elly? Because this will do it. If she finds out about this, you're done for good, man.”

  “He’s not worried about her. He’s come to his senses and wants a real woman, not that whining little bitch.”

  “It's done with her anyway, man. I fucked that one up already, so what's it matter?” Blake looks so pissed. It's not his life so why does he care so much? “Anyway, why do you care so much about Elly? You fucking in love with her or something? I see you, man, messaging her to check on her.”

  “You need to watch yourself, Fraser. I’m the one friend standing by you at the moment, and with comments like that, I might just give up caring altogether like you clearly have.”

  Blake turns to Shea. “Shea, you need to back off, Fraser’s going through some stuff and you are not what he needs.”

  “What do you know about what I need?” I slur. “No one knows what I need but me." Words are starting to not even make sense to me. I think I need to sleep this off. I'm way too drunk to keep on talking.

  Shea scoffs. "He’s a big boy, Blake. You need to back off, let him have his fun.”

  “Nah, I can’t. I’m doing this for Elly, man. I know you’re hurting, but you need to get the fuck over yourself and start thinking about the rest of us again. She doesn’t deserve this. It’s time for you to go, Shea.” Blake shows her the door, making sure she leaves. “Now, Shea!”

  “Wow,” I snarl, “I’ve never hit you, Blake, but you're fucking pissing me off tonight.”

  “Fuck this,” Shea screams. “You’re not worth it, Fraser. See you later,” and she takes off out of the house.

  Blake’s, staring right through me. He's so close he's all blurry. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this angry before. “You're pushing me, Fraser. Someone’s got to look out for you before you fuck up your whole life.”

  That’s it. Who the fuck does he think he is, telling me what to do. “Fuck up my whole life! It’s already done, Mum made sure of that!” I spit at him. I’m so angry now. Who does he think he is, “Mr Fucking Perfect”?

  “You need to sleep this off, Fraser, before someone gets hurt.” He’s up in my face and I see red. As I swing to punch him, he gets me first. The last thing I remember is my cheek fucking stinging as his fist connects with it, and I go down like a sack of potatoes, hitting the hard timber floor below.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Fraser

  “Get up, Fraser.”

  I squint trying to see where the noise is coming from. Blake’s standing over me. Fuck, he looks mad.

  “Why are you in my room? Leave me alone, I need to sleep.” I cover my eyes to hide the light. It makes the thumping sound in my head worse.

  “You're on the living room floor, where you passed out last night.”

  “What?” That would explain why my back is killing me. I sit upright and regret it immediately when my head starts to spin, the living room a blur. “What the fuck happened last night? Why is my head so fucking sore?”

  “We got into a fight, after you brought Shea back here.”

  I run my hands down my face. “Shea?” My head is really spinning now. “Why did I do that?”

  “Don’t know. You're trying to self-destruct is my guess, but right now you need to get up. Your dad’s going to be here in an hour, and I don’t want him to see you like this. It's not a pretty sight.”

  “Why is he coming? Did you call him?”

  His expression is stern; he's really pissed with me. “Go have a shower and get your shit together, Fraser.”

  What the fuck is going on? I don’t even know if I can stand up right now. My head is thumping so hard. I touch my face—ouch—now I can feel the lump on my cheek where Blake must have hit me. How much did I drink?

  I drag my sore tired body off to the shower and wait till the room fills with steam before I get in. This shower is going to need to be hot, steaming hot. The hot water hits my back and brings some life back to me. My head’s still thumping like a bitch. I’m going to need a painkiller to get through this. Why is my dad on his way?

  I try to remember the events of the last 24 hours. Rugby, then drinks with the boys. Oh yeah, then Shea was at the pub. Shit, did we kiss? I can't remember. I don’t think we did, but why would I bring her back here? Blake’s right, I’m sabotaging my own life, and I don’t even know how to stop it. I’m not even sure if I want to
know what happened. What's the point?

  I pull myself together and finish my shower. Why is my dad coming today? Was I supposed to know that already? I don’t remember him saying anything last time we talked.

  I dress in a T-shirt and track pants and head out to the kitchen to hunt down some painkillers and some water.

  Less than an hour later, I’m sitting in my living room with Dad, Janice, Blake, and a psychologist. I think her name was Cherie.

  They're all talking about me like I’m not here. Truth be told, I’m not. I’m in a world of pain and just want to reach for another drink to numb it. It's been working so well the past three weeks. This is like some fucking intervention or something.

  “Why are you all talking about me like I’m not here? This is my life, isn’t it? Don't I get a say in what's going on?”

  My dad's warm eyes meet mine, and I can see how concerned he is. I don’t want to scare him. “Son, we're all really worried about you. I know you’ve found out some pretty heavy stuff lately, and we just want to give you some other options to help you through. Maybe the way you’ve been coping isn’t ideal.”

  “Why don’t you and I just have a chat, Fraser?” says whatever her name is. “Maybe everyone else can go get some lunch or something.” I just nod. I’ve got nothing else left in me. What am I supposed to say to her?

  She's very formal for a Sunday. She's in an emerald green blouse and fitted skirt with white framed glasses resting on the end of her nose.

  “Why don’t we start with what happened when your mum came to visit four weeks ago? It sounds like this all started then.” She watches me, pushing her glasses a little further up her nose.

  “I don’t really want to talk about my mum. She's a manipulative bitch.”

  “Fraser, I know this is going to be uncomfortable for you, and you're not in the best frame of mind right now, but those three people care about you, and I think you owe it to them to give this a go.”

  I lower my head to look at the floor. I can’t look at her while I say this, it's still too hard to say out loud. “She said the man I thought was my father my whole life, isn’t. She slept with someone else while Dad was on a work trip."