Always Fraser

by A. K. Steel

  “Do you want to go for dinner?” asks Tristan, looking as awkward about all of this as me.

  “Sounds good. Let's do it,” I say, and the others follow our lead.

  We head upstairs to the best seafood restaurant in town, Ocean View. This place is fancy. I’ve only been here a couple of times, when we’ve had an extra-special event. The last time was for Mum and Dad's 35th wedding anniversary.

  We wait at the front as Tristan talks to the waitress.

  “Follow me,” she says, smiling and leading us through the restaurant. My eyes widen at the sight of the other tables full of delicious-looking seafood dishes. Some have tiered platters packed with lobsters, prawns, oysters, and various other seafood. They look amazing and must cost an absolute fortune. We arrive at our reserved table and the others take a seat.

  I fake a smile as I sit down, trying to be happy to be here. My body is here but my mind is back with Fraser, still trying to work out what went wrong. I feel too sad to be out trying to pretend like I’m moving on. It just doesn’t feel right.

  I can see how much of an effort Tristan is trying to make, he seems like such a nice guy, and he’s fucking hot. What is wrong with me? Why am I still hung up on the arsehole who fucked me then dumped me?

  The waiter comes to take our order, and Luca orders another bottle of wine for the table.

  I ordered seafood linguini, normally my favourite from Ocean View restaurant, but tonight I’m not so sure. The boys both ordered beef and lobster and Indie ordered the Barramundi.

  Twenty minutes of awkward small talk later, our food arrives. Thank God it was quick, I’m all but out of things to talk about. I dig in. It's delicious, and I’m glad I ordered the linguini, but like I have been over the last few weeks, I’m full after a few mouthfuls and can’t eat anymore. Kind of a shame when it costs so much.

  “You done with yours already, Elly?” asks Tristan.

  “Yeah, you want to finish it off? Don’t want it to go to waste.” I push my plate over to him.

  “Hell yeah, it looks amazing.” He digs straight in after already polishing off his whole meal.

  I look around the table and the rest of them are having a good time; why can't I even try, what's wrong with me? There is no way Fraser would be thinking about me as much as I am about him. Tristan has finished the rest of my meal and is watching me and I'm sure he is thinking, Why did I bother asking this sad sack out?

  “Elly, you’re very quiet. Is everything okay?” Tristan says, as he grabs my hand across the table.

  “Sorry, yeah, I’m just feeling a bit off. I might go out on the balcony for a bit to get some fresh air,” I smile over at him. He really is a nice guy. I feel so bad that I'm such a downer of a date.

  “Okay, I’ll join you.” He slides his chair back and holds out his hand for me. I take it reluctantly. Why does this feel so weird? I've been on dates before, held guys’ hands, but this just doesn’t feel right.

  “We make our way out to the front balcony, which looks over the ocean, and take a seat. It's so beautiful here, looking out over the beach with that fresh ocean smell. There’s a nice breeze tonight, so every so often little droplets of ocean spray land on our faces.

  Tristan is looking at me and frowning.

  “I’m so sorry, Tristan, you’re such a lovely guy. I’m just not in a good place at the moment.”

  “It's okay, Elly, I shouldn’t have pushed you for a date. I just haven’t stopped thinking about you since that night at the bar. But that's the problem, isn’t it? You’re still hung up on the guy you were with then?”

  “I’m sorry. I am. I don’t know why he dumped me, it's over. But we have known each other since we were kids. It's just going to take a while to move on. You know?”

  “Yeah, I get it. I’ve been there too. I nearly got married last year, but she left me at the altar. It's taken a while to move past it. We had our whole lives mapped out, and then the rug was ripped out from under me.”

  I cover my mouth with my hand. “Oh, Tristan, that's awful. Did you find out why?”

  “No, we haven’t spoken since. There was a note, but it just said she was sorry, nothing else.”

  “Wow, that's so harsh. I can’t believe someone would do that. How long were you together for?”

  “Five years.”

  “Wow, yeah, that's just crazy. You know what, though? This is what I keep telling myself: it’s all for a reason, we just don’t know what it is yet. Someone awesome will be just around the corner for you, I’m sure of it.”

  “Thanks, Elly, hopefully. I hope you get your situation sorted out as well. And, while we’re sorting out our shit from the past, we can still have fun tonight, right?” He smiles a warm caring smile that makes me feel so comfortable with him. He's totally right. I can still have a good time with him as a friend.

  “Of course, that sounds nice,” I smile back.

  “You know, we could just fuck him out of your system. I’m sure we would both feel better for it,” he jokes with a cheeky grin, but I’m not sure if he’s joking or serious.

  “Probably,” I laugh, “but I’m not the kind of girl who has one-night stands, and we both know this can’t go anywhere right now, so you're stuck with the boring friends version.”

  He gives me a sideways smile. “Thought so, but you’re beautiful, Elly, you can’t blame a guy for trying.”

  “Thanks, Tristan, you're not bad-looking yourself. If I was in a better place, then maybe this could be something.” I offer a smile. “Let's go check on the others.”

  We make our way back inside just in time. Indie’s getting drunk, I can tell by that look in her eyes.

  “Hey, they’re back. We're going to get tattoos,” Indie calls out, way too loudly for the fancy restaurant we're in.

  I look back at Tristan. “How long were we gone for? She's trashed!”

  “Not long enough for that.”

  “She is a lightweight. We need to get her out of here before she gets any louder,” I whisper, so only Tristan can hear. “Are you trashed, Indie girl? Hey, why don’t we pay for our dinner then go for a bit of a walk? You can work out what you're getting while we walk.”

  “Sounds good, chickee. Hey, I’ve got an awesome idea. You should get one too. It’ll be so much fun. It’ll make you feel better too, I promise.”

  Now I know she's really drunk. She knows how afraid I am of needles. She must be completely smashed if she thinks that’s even likely.

  Tristan and I go up to pay for the others. They’re both off-their-faces drunk, in total hysterics. “Looks like we're the responsible adults tonight,” I whisper to Tristan.

  “Looks like it. I’m okay with it if it means I get to spend some more time with you. We might find something to cheer you up.” He bumps arms with me, and I offer a smile in return. He’s really nice and talking to him is helping me forget how awful I’ve been feeling.

  We make our way up the street. The other two are walking in front of us with their arms linked, or should I say, stumbling around in front of us.

  It's a beautiful night for this time of year, and the walk is actually making me feel better.

  “Everything okay, Elly? You keep checking your phone.”

  “Yeah, sorry. It's just that since my dad got sick, I’m worried I will miss an important call about him. It's become a bad habit.”

  “Your dad’s sick?”

  “Yeah, he’s getting better, though. He had a heart attack just over a month ago, so he’s improving but I can't stop worrying about him.”

  “That must have been scary.”

  “Yeah, it was. He's doing well now, and the doctor said, with some lifestyle changes, he will be his normal self before long, but I just can't stop worrying. I’ve never really had anxiety before, but now I just feel worried all the time, and I can't sleep.”

  “You're having trouble eating too?”

  “Yeah, how did you know? I’m sorry, I’m telling you way too much. You were after a fun date and
you got a nut job.”

  He laughs. “A cute nut job.”

  I smile up at him. “Thank you, you weren't supposed to agree with me.”

  “I don't think you’re a nut job. I know exactly what you're going through. I’ve had anxiety for years, I know how debilitating it can be. Have you talked to someone? You know it's normal to feel the way you do. You have a lot going on, Elly, don’t give yourself a hard time.”

  “Woo hoo, I’m going in,” we hear Indie call out excitedly.

  “Oh God, what now?” We look over to see her run into the tattoo studio.

  “We better stop them before Luca’s got a permanent reminder of this night etched on his skin,” I warn.

  “I’m sure he wouldn’t even notice in amongst all the others. Have you seen his arms?”

  “Yeah, I did notice. You got any?”

  “A couple,” he says. “I’d show you later, but you have friend-zoned me, and they're hidden.”

  “Is that right, hey?”

  We rush in after the drunken duo and find them already flicking through the design books on the counter.

  “Elly, I’ve found the perfect one for us,” Indie calls to me, shoving the book in my face. I pull it back a bit so I can see the image. It’s a photo of two friends with tiny little coffee mugs on their wrists. “It's perfect, right? Coffee besties, like us,” she calls, grinning up at me. She’s totally serious about this.

  They are kind of cute, these little coffee mugs. How much could it really hurt? I kind of feel like I need to do something crazy to take me out of the crazy thought spiral I’m in.

  “Okay, Indie, I’ll do it with you.”

  “Yesss,” she squeals. “Are you serious?”

  I nod and she grabs my hands and screams excitedly.

  “I thought we were supposed to be the sensible ones talking them out of it,” says Tristan.

  “I know, right, but I’m sick of being the sensible one, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, I’m in too.”

  The boys both pick a design. It’s a tree that looks like a pine tree in a diamond and triangle. They're going to get it on their arm. They get set up first.

  “Do you want me to hold your hand in case it hurts?” I ask Tristan.

  “You’re quite the smartarse now, Miss Elly. Just wait until your turn comes.”

  “Oh, I’m definitely going to need you to hold my hand. There's a very likely possibility I’ll pass out doing this.” He laughs at me, but I’m serious. I'm suddenly feeling very nervous. I’m not sure if I can go through with this, but I want to. In half an hour, the boys are both done and look happy with their new permanent arm art. Now it's our turn.

  “Don’t you let go of my hand, Indie.”

  “I won't, chick, I've got you, you can do this.”

  We sit next to each other holding hands as our other hands rest on the table, getting the transfer of the little coffee cup drawn on.

  “I love you, Elly, I’m so glad you moved home.” She smiles at me and it makes me feel so much better. She's been such a special friend to me, especially over the last few months, and I’ve been so fixated on Fraser that I’ve forgotten that all the other things I came to Byron to do are falling into place. We have created this amazing business together, and it’s now starting to take off. I have the best friend and roommate a girl could ask for.

  “I love you too, Indie.” She smiles back at me. As they start the tattoo, shit, it hurts. Indie doesn't look bothered at all. I'm just going to keep looking at her. I don’t want to see them do it or I’ll faint for sure.

  Twenty long minutes later, the sound of the tattoo gun stops.

  “All done, girls.” What? It's done! I look down at my arm and see the tiny tattoo and small dots of blood, and that’s the last thing I remember, until I feel Tristan picking me up.

  “You okay, Elly?” His brow is furrowed, and he looks worried. I pull out of his hold on me.

  “Ha, yeah, I’m fine. I look down at my arm and it's bandaged up now. “Told you I’m a fainter.” Oh, why did I do that? I’m so embarrassed.

  Indie and Luca are killing themselves laughing at me. “Now I’ve got a new Elly-fainting story to tell,” Indie giggles.

  “There's more?” Tristan questions.

  I nod my head, embarrassed. “Come on, let's head home.”

  The boys come back to our place for coffee, and before we’ve even walked in the door, Indie and Luca are all over each other. They disappear down the hall. “I think I’m going to need earphones tonight,” I laugh.

  “I’d say so. We could make our own noise, so you don’t notice,” he teases, with a cheeky smile.

  “I’m sorry, Tristan, I just can’t.”

  “It's okay, Elly, I was just joking. How about we have that coffee?”

  I head into the kitchen to make the drinks, feeling guilty. He really is very nice and so considerate. I should be making more of an effort to get to know him. But I just can't do any more than friends right now, not while I’m still so confused about Fraser. I walk back into the lounge room and place the coffee down in front of Tristan.

  “I’m sorry tonight didn’t end up the way you planned.”

  “You know what, Elly? It's okay. I had fun tonight, and I’ve made a new friend. It's all good,” he smiles.

  “Looks like Luca’s going to be staying tonight. I can set you up on the lounge if you like?”

  “That would be good, thanks.”

  I bring in some blankets and a pillow to set him up on the couch.

  “Night, Tristan.”

  “Night, Elly. If you get cold and need someone to cuddle, you know where I am,” he offers with that same cheeky smile. He doesn’t give up easily.

  “Night, Tristan,” I say with a smile, as I walk down the hall. It's late, past 1am. I feel bad for just leaving him on the couch, but I’m so exhausted, and it's just not going to happen between us.

  Fraser

  It's been five very long days since Cherie, the psychologist, left our house, and I spent most of the day in bed. I have no idea how I got so lucky with my business partners, but they have been taking care of everything at the office. Ash has even been working from the office instead of home, they must really be worried about me. Dad and Janice have set their van up in our driveway and have been helping me in any way they can.

  I still feel terrible, but I’m better than I was yesterday, and I want to get out of the house. I need to visit Jim to see how he is.

  “Hey, Jim. Sorry I haven’t been around much lately. How’re you feeling?”

  “Getting there, son. It's not been easy. I'm still a bit dizzy but I’m nearly over the worst of it. They say I can start exercising again next week, and I can't wait. Being stuck in bed’s just not my style.”

  “No, I’m surprised they have had you in bed this long. It's good to hear you’re feeling better.”

  “Your dad came to visit yesterday. It was good to see him again. It's been a while. Janice is lovely. It's so nice to see how happy he is.”

  “Yeah, he's in town for a bit, it's nice to have him back home.”

  “He said you stuffed up with Elly. What happened, son?”

  “I don’t know why he told you that, but I’m sure you have heard it all from her anyway.”

  “No, she hasn’t said a word. I could tell something was wrong with her, but we don't know what it is. What's going on, son? It's obvious you're crazy about each other. How could you have stuffed up that badly?”

  “There’s so much she doesn't know. It's all too complicated.”

  “You're talking about your dad not being your biological dad? That was sure a surprise, wasn't it!”

  “Did Dad tell you everything? Man, he’s got a big mouth!”

  “He’s worried about you, Fraser. He just needed someone to talk to who knows this situation, but I’m glad he did. If you keep it all bottled up, and no one knows you're in pain, they can't help you. We’re all here for you, son, but you need to talk to
Elly. She's a mess. She's keeping it all to herself, trying not to burden us with it, but I can see it's eating her up. I don't like to see my baby girl hurting so much.”

  “I'm so sorry, Jim. I want to fix it. I just don’t know where to start with her. I stuffed up this time. There's no way she’ll see me.”

  “Just tell her the truth. Tell her what's going on, then it's up to her to decide what she’ll do with the information you tell her. We all make mistakes, especially when we're not thinking straight.”

  “I bet you never made mistakes with Anne. You're the perfect couple.”

  He laughs at me. “I was young and dumb like you once, Fraser. No one’s perfect, and you would be surprised how majorly I fucked up at times with Anne. I was lucky Anne’s a good woman and forgave me. You just have to be open and honest with Elly.”

  “Thanks, Jim. It’s good to see how well you're doing. I’ll come and visit again later in the week.” I shake his hand. He’s so frail and looking a lot older than he was before all this happened. It's taken a toll on him. I just hope that, once he’s back on his feet again, he will be the same old Jim we know and love.

  I now feel even worse, knowing I left Elly to go through this alone. She's right, I'm a selfish pig.

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Elena

  I walk down the street kicking the dirt with my boots because I don't have the energy to pick up my feet. That was a long shift at the café. We were unusually quiet, and it dragged on. I'm tired, so fucking tired, but I want to see Dad before I go home. It's become my routine after I finish at the café, I drop in to see him to make sure he’s okay.

  The house is quiet, and Mum must still be at work. I pop my head around their bedroom door to see if he’s awake. Looks like he might be asleep. I better leave him. I slowly close the door, when I hear him.

  “Hey, honey, come to sit with me?” He pats the bed beside him.

  I go over and kiss him on the cheek, taking a seat next to him. “Sorry, Dad. Did I wake you?”

  “No, I’m just resting, still a bit dizzy. Come tell me about your day.” He sits up.

  “Not much to tell. Working at the café was a pretty slow day.”