Always Fraser

by A. K. Steel

  “How’s the business coming along with Indie?”

  “Actually, better than expected. We got a new client today, a really big one. Might even mean we can both quit the café. They’re the furniture hire company I have been using for The Green Door jobs. Their in-house designer quit last week, and they were looking for a new one and offered it to me. I turned them down, and instead, offered to freelance for them under our business name. It's going to mean consistent work which is amazing.”

  He smiles at me softly, his eyes full of concern. “Why aren’t you smiling then? This is the break you’ve been working towards since you moved home.”

  “I don’t know. It just doesn’t feel the same, you know, with everything that's happened lately.”

  “Oh, honey, I know you're worried about me, but you know I’m getting better. I’m going to be just fine. Your dad might be getting old, but I can see this is more than just what’s going on with me. This is about Fraser, isn’t it?”

  “No, why would it be?”

  “I know, honey. He came to see me today and told me what he did. He’s not in a good way.”

  “He came to see you? Why would he do that?”

  “He wanted to see how I was getting along and apologise for not being here while I was recovering. He was checking up on you too.”

  “Why would he do that? He was the one that ended it.”

  “He’s got a lot going on, things that you can't understand unless you have been there. He didn’t have the kind of childhood you did, with a supportive family around him, and he’s got some issues to work through. He needs a bit of time to find himself. You're just going to have to be patient with him.”

  “That's what Blake keeps saying. Even if you're going through some stuff, that doesn't excuse treating other people badly.”

  “No, I agree, but maybe just wait till he’s ready and at least hear him out.”

  What on earth is going on? And why do I feel like the only one he can't talk to when I should be the first one? “Okay, I’m not some pushover, though. Whatever his story is, it better be bloody good. How are you doing anyway, Dad? You look really good today, you’ve got that sparkle in your eyes again.”

  “I’m having a good day and I’m excited. Did you see they’ve started to excavate the backyard? After all the planning, it's all finally happening!”

  “Yes, I did. It's very exciting, and I’m so glad you’ll have this project to concentrate on. Means you have to stick around.”

  He takes my hand in his. “I’m not going anywhere, honey, stop worrying about me. You're stuck with your old man for a long time to come.”

  “You better not leave me, I need you around.” I kiss him on his forehead. “See you tomorrow.”

  He reaches out for me and pulls me into a hug. “Things will get better, honey, it's just a bump in the road. Give him the time he needs, and you’ll understand.”

  Maybe. Bet Fraser didn’t tell my father everything! And if he thinks it's going to be as simple as explaining to me that he’s got some shit going on, he’s got another thing coming. After what he has put me through the last few weeks, it's going to take a hell of a lot for me to forgive him.

  As soon as I walk inside our apartment, I can smell something amazing, Indie must be cooking dinner. I find her in the kitchen stirring the pot on the stove.

  “Hey.” I smile over to her, dumping my bag on the lounge.

  She looks up and smiles over to me. “Hey, chick.”

  “I’m so lucky to have you in my life, Indie. This dinner smells delicious.” She smiles, pleased with herself. But I’m not just saying she's an amazing cook, though it’s lucky she is, because I definitely don’t take after my mother in that department. She serves the dinner into two bowls and places them on the table.

  I inhale the scent. “Yum, my favourite.” It’s beef stroganoff; I love this dish, and normally, I'd be woofing it down, but I’m still struggling with my queasy tummy.

  Indie eyes me up and down. “You need to eat up, Elly, you're fading away! I’ve made plenty so you can have seconds if you want.”

  “Yeah, I know. I don't know what's wrong with me. I just feel kind of sick all the time.”

  “It's just the stress from everything. You need to eat more, and you’ll be fine.”

  I sit, moving my food around in my bowl and know I should be eating. It smells amazing, but I just can't stomach it. I’m full after a couple of mouthfuls.

  Indie looks up from her finished plate of food with a sympathetic smile. “You okay, chick? You look miserable.”

  “Same old shit! Why are all men such arseholes?”

  “What's he done now?”

  “I don't even know if it's true, but possibly slept with that slut Shea.”

  She gasps and covers her mouth. “He wouldn’t have done that, would he?”

  “I don't know. According to her they did! But then, get this, he went to see Dad today. They had a big chat and Dad said the same as Blake, I need to trust him. He’s working through some big stuff, just hang on and everything will be okay.”

  “Cryptic! I don't know, chick. I reckon he’s had time. Why does he go to everyone else to talk about all this and not you?”

  “I know, right? That's what I don’t get as well. If he would just talk to me then I could be the judge, I could work it out with him, whatever it is.”

  She grabs my arm. “Come on. I’m taking you to do something fun tonight, we need to take your mind off him.”

  A short drive into the hinterlands and we walk into the large art studio Indie has taken me to. I cover my mouth so my laugh doesn’t escape. “You brought me to a life drawing class?” I whisper. There are easels set up around the room with people drawing in different mediums. At the front of the room there’s a small stage, with a man posing, completely butt naked.

  “Sure did! And the smile on your face now is priceless.” I'm sure she's right. I can't help but smile, I'm so awkward with stuff like this. “I’m not mature enough to be here. You know I’m going to laugh and ruin it for everyone else.”

  “No, you won’t! And don’t worry if you do. I know these guys won't care, they’re used to people being a bit awkward when they first start drawing.” Her emerald-green eyes flash with excitement. This is Indie in her element, and these are her people.

  “You know these guys? Why did I even ask, of course you do!”

  She smiles back at me. “You ever wonder where I am on a Tuesday night?” she raises her brow at me. “I work here,” she laughs. “I have for years.”

  “Oh my God, Indie, I knew you were comfortable with what you’ve got,” I say, gesturing to her bits, “but I can't believe you strip off and let people draw you! So much for shy little Indie.”

  “I’m only shy meeting new people, and I don’t have to talk to anyone up there, so it’s easy,” she shrugs. “It's really not a big deal, you should try it, Elly. It’s totally liberating, and the money is awesome.”

  “You're full of surprises, Indie.”

  We take a set toward the back so we can get started on our masterpieces. I’m giggling and I can't stop. This guy is unbelievable, muscular and toned, and he’s just standing there like some statue of a Greek god with it all hanging out. I can't stop staring at his junk. It's just hanging there. I have no idea how people do this as a job.

  “Elly,” she bumps arms with me, distracting me from the view. I have to check myself to make sure my mouth isn’t hanging open. “What do you want to draw with?” She holds out different types of pencils for me to choose from. "And close your mouth."

  “Oh my, Indie, you know this guy? Are they all as hot as him?”

  She rolls her eyes. “Yeah, Elton, he's a friend of mine. They're all different, lots of shapes and sizes to keep it interesting for the artists.”

  “Charcoals, I think.” I grab the long stick of charcoal from her and stare at the blank page. “What do I even do? I don’t know where to start.”

  “You’ve
done art classes before. Just draw what you see,” she says, hitting me on the arm, “and try to stop giggling, people are staring.” She’s giggling back at me, trying to stop herself, but every time she looks at my face, she starts again. Hope they don't kick us out.

  Two hours later, we have seen various models. Not all the best-looking people but all of them so confident. I’ve been trying to contain my laughter, but some of the poses, wow!

  Indie’s drawings are, of course, unbelievable. She’s such an amazing artist. Mine are okay. They’re probably too funny to be classified as art, but Indie is encouraging me to keep going, and she was right, it's making me feel better. I haven’t laughed this much in weeks.

  “We so should frame these and put them up in the apartment!” she says.

  “Well, maybe yours, they’re beautiful, Indie. Mine are more…” I try to think of the correct word, “abstract.” I laugh, pulling a crazy face to accentuate my point.

  “There she is, the Elly I know and love. We definitely need to do this weekly if I’m going to get you back.”

  “What, Elly the crazy person?”

  “Yeah, she's the one I like,” she laughs, and I crack up laughing back at her. Tonight has been so much fun.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Fraser

  I stare at Elly’s front door with no idea what to say to her. I hope she doesn’t slam the door in my face. It's what I deserve, but I hope she will hear me out. Deep breath. Fraser, you can do this. Make it right with her.

  I’m sweating so much I feel like I’ve just done a session at the gym. I wipe my hands down my jeans and try to get my shit together. Just coming here is so much harder than I thought it was going to be. I’m not good at admitting when I’m wrong. But I know I’ve fucked up majorly with Elly and I want to make it right, whatever way I can.

  I knock and wait. Maybe she's not home? I wait a bit longer... She must be out or something. I'll come back another time. I turn to leave when I hear the door open and a small voice.

  “Fraser, what are you doing here?” I turn back to see her, my Elly. She looks tired and so thin in a pair of skinny jeans and a T-shirt. Her dad was right, and I feel sick that it’s because of me. What the fuck was I thinking? I don’t even know.

  “Can I come in? We need to talk.”

  She nods and opens the door.

  “Is Indie around?”

  “No, she's working,” she sighs and leads me over to the lounge, and we both sit in awkward silence. I guess she’s waiting to hear what I’ve got to say for myself, but I’m not sure where to begin.

  “Do you want anything to drink?” She's so calm. I thought she would be yelling abuse at me. But she patiently sits legs crossed, hands resting in her lap, waiting for me to talk.

  “No, I’m fine, thank you.” My mind is racing. What do I say to her? I just want everything to be okay between us, but I don’t know how to make it right. I crack my knuckles to try and ease the tension I’m feeling. “Are you okay, Elly?”

  “What do you think, Fraser?” She raises her head to look at me and I can see how angry she really is. “How could I be? You left me with no explanation. Everyone keeps telling me to wait for you. That you're going through some family stuff. It’s pretty hard when I haven’t heard from you in weeks.”

  “I’m so sorry, Elly, I’ve been a selfish arsehole! I know I have. I’m so sorry, things just got so complicated so fast. I didn't know how to process it all.” I reach for her hand and she tugs it away. That magnetic pull I feel towards her is still there, and I want so badly to touch her, take comfort in the warmth of her skin on mine, have her lips pressed to mine, taking away my pain. But I know that's not what I deserve. I deserve for her to reject me.

  “I don’t want your apology now, Fraser, it's too late... but I want to know why? Why on earth did you do that to me?”

  I run my sweating palms down my jeans again. Why am I sweating so much? Seeing how angry she is, it's making me nervous. Maybe this is it. I went too far this time and she's not going to forgive me. This is the end.

  “I was messed up! There’s no real excuse." I shake my head. "I know my behaviour is unacceptable, and I understand if you don’t want my apology or to ever see me again, but I need to explain where my head was at when I left that night. So you know it wasn’t you. I’m so sorry I left you to worry, this was nothing to do with you. You're perfect.”

  “Okay, explain.” Her eyes are now a sad blue-green colour, like deep ocean pools, cloudy after a storm. The way she looks at me, it's breaking my heart to see her like this and know it was me that caused it.

  I take a deep breath, trying to clear my mind so I can explain. “That Sunday night before I left to go and see my dad, my mum turned up at my house. She was there when I got home and wanted to talk.”

  Her eyes widen. “Your mum, I thought you weren’t in contact.”

  “We’re not! I hadn’t seen her since the night she left when I was 14. She thought she could just show up after all this time and I’d give her money to help her out of the current mess she’s in. When I didn’t, she turned on me like she always used to. This time it was something that cut me so deep. I’m still not sure how to process it.”

  “What did she say?” Her face is softening, her eyes showing a hint of the warmth she normally holds for me.

  “She said when she was younger, a few years after she and my dad were married, they were trying to fall pregnant and they were having problems. Apparently, it was Dad, not her, so she took it upon herself to find someone that could give her the child she so desperately wanted.”

  Elly gasps as she connects the dots. Her eyes are wide as she hangs on my every word.

  I take another deep breath trying to get the words out. “She waited until Dad was away on one of his business trips, went to a bar, and found some guy she thought would be a suitable sperm donor, and that was that. The man I had believed to be my dad my whole life... isn’t my blood. That's why I took off to go and see him that next day. I had to know if it was true.”

  “Is it true?” she gasps, her hands over her mouth.

  “Yeah, we had the paternity test done a few weeks ago. He's not my biological father.” I sob. The tears I have been holding back for weeks are now rolling down my cheeks. Telling her makes it all feel so real. This is my fucked-up life now.

  Elly's eyes are now welling with tears. “Oh, Fraser, that's... I don’t know what to say, that's so awful. Did your dad know all that time as well?” She sobs, reaching out for my hand. Her touch feels so good, so comforting.

  “No, not the whole time. She never told him. He worked it out for himself after Mum left. He didn't tell me, because in his eyes, I was his son no matter what. It didn't change the way he felt about me. He had hoped I would never need to know. It's a lot to deal with, but we're working through it together with my psychologist. Dad and Janice arrived last week and he’s in town for a while.”

  “You have a psychologist?”

  “Yeah, Blake organised her for me.”

  “He’s so good to you, Fraser. I don’t know what you did to deserve such a good friend, but you're lucky you have him.”

  “You don’t even know half of it. This is the second time he’s saved me when I’ve hit rock bottom. I can't even tell you how much I owe him.”

  “When was the first time?” she asks, looking puzzled, and I realise we have never talked about what happened after she moved away all those years ago.

  “When you left me, after our graduation.”

  “I didn't leave you, you wouldn't be with me. I chose to move on with my life when I knew it wasn’t going to work with you.” She pulls her hand back, annoyed with me again.

  “Ahh," I run my hands through my hair, frustrated with myself. "What I meant was, when I fucked up with you the first time. I started drinking heavily. That summer I was a complete mess, and by the time Blake and I met at uni, I was in a bad way. He was the one that worked out I had a problem and talked me into get
ting help.

  “Drinking was the only way I could block out the empty feeling I had inside. The ache my body was feeling because you weren't around. You had been in my life for such a long time and then you were gone without another word. Just like my mum. I feel so lost when I’m not around you, like you complete me, and when you're not around, there's a darkness that takes over. I’ve been using alcohol to fill the void. You always wonder why Blake and I are so close. He thinks I saved him from his awful family, and he saved me from myself... Twice.”

  “I still don’t understand,” Elly says. “Why you couldn’t just come and talk to me about all this. Why was it all a secret? I could have been the one to save you this time, that's what I’m supposed to be here for.”

  “I was lost, Elly, and I know what I'm like when I go to that dark place. I didn't want to put you through that. I didn’t even know who I was anymore. I have no idea who my biological dad is, and I’ll never know. We have no way of working it out now. It was eating me up inside. All I kept on thinking is, I’m just like my mum, a drunk that's no good for anyone. That week I was away, I started drinking again. I didn't want to drag you into my awful life. Why would you want to stay, knowing how messed up I was?”

  “Fraser, I didn’t want to be with you because I thought you were perfect. I have known you a long time and no one is perfect. I wanted to be with you because you were you. My hero in school, scaring off all my bullies, the sad boy when his mother left that needed me to help distract him from the pain by skipping class and going for a swim in the middle of the school day, my brother’s best friend who would gang up on me driving me nuts but then follow it up by doing something sweet like leaving a bar of chocolate or a flower from the garden on my pillow, the one that could light up my face with his cheeky smile just by being him. I didn’t need you to be anything other than you.” She sobs, fresh tears rolling down her cheeks.

  “I didn’t know that's how you felt, Elly. Since Mum left, I have felt like I wasn’t enough for anyone. How could I be? When the one woman that’s supposed to love me unconditionally left me without a word. She didn’t even say goodbye that night. The last thing she said to me was, 'go do your homework, you little shit, so you don’t end up stupid like your dad'. I saw her get into that guy’s car and she was gone. That was it.”