Jessie

by Lori Wick

  "At times, yes. Some fear is good. It keeps me on my guard." "How about when you were shot? Were you afraid then?"

  "Things happened too fast for me to feel anything, but when Rylan

  said I wasn't ready to die, I got scared."

  "That would be the good kind," Heather said gently.

  "Because I wasn't ready, it was the best kind. Had I died, I would have been lost to God forever."

  "I'm glad He had other ideas," Heather said with feeling. She hated the thought of anyone dying outside of Christ.

  "So am I."

  A silence did fall between them then, Heather suddenly remembering what she knew and becoming tongue-tied.

  "Maybe I'll see you around this week," Nate said, thinking another rescue was in order.

  "Maybe," Heather agreed and then bid Nate goodbye.

  Nate didn't move beyond turning to watch her walk away to join

  171Jeanette and Becky. He was still standing in the same place when Rylan reached him.

  "Progress?" the pastor asked, having witnessed the exchange. Nate smiled just a little before saying, "Maybe."

  "Why did you stand when we singed?" Hannah asked, having been told during the service that her questions would have to wait.

  "Sang," Seth corrected automatically. "It's just what we sometimes do."

  "I like to sing sitting down," Hannah said.

  "Why is that?"

  "My legs get tired."

  "Well, you did very well. You sat still and stayed quiet when I asked you. So thank you for that."

  Hannah managed to look pleased and shy all at the same time. The two finished the walk home in companionable silence, only to gain the apartment and be met by a fiercely frowning Clancy.

  "What's the matter?" Seth asked Jessie when his younger daughter glared at both of them from her place at the kitchen table and then deliberately turned her back on the room.

  "She didn't realize Hannah was going with you."

  "Has she been pouting this whole time?"

  "Urn hm," Jessie said, sounding unperturbed.

  For a moment Seth didn't know what to do, and then Rylan's words from that very morning came back to him.Do not make the mistake of fearing man over God. Husbands, are you more afraid of your wife and leading in your home than you are of God? Fathers, are you more afraid of doing the hard work as a parent because your child might not like the word no than you are of God?

  Seth took only a moment to decide. Thinking that Jessie might well toss him out on his ear, he went directly to Clancy and sat down in the chair next to her.

  172"What's going on, Clancy?" Seth spoke to her profile, noticing that her arms were crossed tightly over her chest,.

  "You and Hannah left me!"

  "We didn't sneak out, Clancy. We didn't try to leave you. You were in the bedroom. Had you been out here, you would have known what was going on and been given a chance to go with us."

  She turned her frown on him briefly again and then looked away. "Look at me, Clancy," Seth ordered, his tone firm.

  Clancy obeyed, her face growing uncertain.

  "The rest of us do not have to watch you pout like a baby, so if you're going to act like this, you can go sit in your room, and you can stay in there until you're ready to be kind."

  Clancy made the mistake of looking toward her mother.

  "This is between the two of us, Clancy," Seth said, not letting her get

  away with it. "Now I've explained that we didn't mean to leave you. If

  you want to come with me next week, that's fine, but you're not going

  to subject the rest of us to this pouting for one more moment." This said, Seth stood to his feet,

  "What's it going to be? Are you heading into the bedroom, or are you done acting like this?"

  "I'm done."

  "I'm glad to hear that," Seth said calmly, hoping his voice didn't show his surprise. He expected a huge fight. He turned to the living room and had to force himself not to look at Jessie. If she was angry with him over this, he wasn't sure what he would do.

  "Did you sing, Hannah?" Seth heard Clancy ask.

  "We did. I had to sit still, but it was better and shorter than school."

  "Was Heidi there?"

  "She was, but I didn't get to talk to her. But I saw Danny! I sat by them."

  "Did you get to hold him?"

  "No, he had to stay quiet on Bri's lap."

  Seth watched the girls' interchange and then chanced a look at

  173Jessie. Her eyes were on the girls as well, but he couldn't tell what she was thinking. He took it as a good sign that she was not glaring at him. He could smell dinner cooking and assumed they would eat when it was done. In the meantime Seth reached for the newspaper and tried to relax.

  174

  "STOVE,"SETH PROMPTED HANNAHwhen she hesitated, his eyes on the book as she read to him and Clancy.

  "Stove," Hannah repeated, "where the mother boiled the stew."

  "Is there a picture for that one?" Clancy asked, just as she'd done every few minutes for the whole story, leaning from her father's lap to see the book in Hannah's.

  "Not yet."

  "Are you getting tired of reading, Hannah?" Seth asked, having heard the scratch in her voice.

  "A little."

  "Why don't we stop and do some moretomorrow?"

  "Don't you have to work?"

  "Not in the evening. Can you read to us then?"

  Hannah nodded and shut the book. She would never have admitted it, but she was sleepy. When she thought about how long her teacher could read to the class, she was amazed. She had only read a few pages and felt worn out.

  "When is Mama coming back?" Clancy asked, the book having distracted her for only about half an hour.

  "I don't know."

  175"I want her to come now."

  "Why?" Seth asked. Clancy blinked at him. He waited, but she didn't answer. "You don't know why you want her?"

  "I just want to see her," she said, sounding as young as she was.

  Seth nodded and held her a little closer. He didn't see them weary very often, and it was fun to have Clancy willing to sit still and be held. Hannah didn't move either. She was close to his side, the book closed, staring at nothing. At times she even leaned her head against his arm.

  Whenever Seth found himself with a few moments of time to himself, he prayed. He did so now, Jessie on his mind. He knew she needed to get out for a time and was glad she felt free to go. He thought he might be part of the reason she needed to get away, and his prayers turned to their marriage.

  The thought of God repairing his marriage to the point that they would be in love again did not come to mind just then. His only concern was Jessie's salvation.

  Jessie could not remember the last time she had walked along the creek bank by herself. A small part of her heart missed the girls' chatter, and another part felt free as a bird. It was a warm day, hot even, and she decided to sit down and put her feet in the water. She wandered to a quiet spot where she would probably be left alone and slipped her shoes and stockings off without ceremony.

  She had no more done this when thoughts of Seth flooded in. One time right after they had married they had come here, and she'd done the same thing. Seth clearly enjoyed the sight of her bare feet and ankles and the occasional glimpse of her calves.

  They had been married in August, and this was August. With a start, Jessie realized they'd just passed their eleventh anniversary. At the moment she couldn't remember exactly what day Seth had come back to Token Creek. It might have been on their anniversary. Had he been aware of that?

  176

  Jessie lay back, feeling as though a weight had settled on her. He wasn't the same man-she could see that-but that didn't mean much right now. She watched him with the girls. He would not hurt them. Of this she was sure. But what of herself? What if she fell for him all over again, but he was only there for the girls? Or what if he began to love her, but she never felt the same?

>   Almost wishing it would all go away, Jessie tried not to think about it. This was supposed to be a time alone for her, time to rest and be at peace. Jessie almost shook her head. The last word she would use to describe herself right now was peaceful.

  "I keep thinking about the way you lived in Texas," Jessie said that night when the girls were in bed. To Seth's surprise she never did bring up the incident with Clancy from earlier that day. The four of them had had a very peaceful afternoon, even after Jessie got home from her walk.

  "Thinking about it in what way?" Seth asked.

  "Why you were willing to do this? Why were you willing to live that way?"

  Seth nodded, searching for words. "I'm not shifting the blame here, but Eliot was not good company. I was greedy. And the money was very good."

  "How good?"

  Seth named a figure that made Jessie blink.

  "You can't be serious."

  "Jared Silk was a rich man and happy to pay the people around him who might make him richer."

  "How did you meet him?"

  "Eliot met him first. Then I came on the scene, and he said he liked our style."

  Jessie could believe that. There had always been something that drew people to Seth. He was suave, but it was more than that. He was

  177also kind and, at one time, there was just a hint of danger about him. Jessie didn't sense that anymore, but she could well imagine what this Jared Silk character saw.

  "Tell me more about this woman," Jessie said next.

  "Eliot's wife?"

  "Actually I wanted to know about the woman you abducted, but I'd forgotten that Eliot was married. Did you say his wife had children?"

  "Yes, from the marriage with her late husband. A boy and a girl." Jessie grew silent for a moment, and Seth waited. When she didn't speak, he did.

  "What's troubling you?"

  "Eliot's hypocrisy. He had a wife, but he had no problem with you having left yours."

  "He didn't know."

  The words were said with quiet shame, and Jessie stared at the man she married.

  "I didn't try to keep it from you, Jessie. I just forgot."

  "That you were married?" she asked with sarcastic anger.

  Seth didn't reply. There was no point in defending himself, and she was already angry. The silence between them grew, but Seth could see that Jessie had calmed down again.

  "We were in prison when I told him," Seth finally said with quiet remembrance. "I had been getting lots of letters fromCassy, and Eliot and I were talking about the things she was writing. I told him how I'd left you and Hannah and how much I regretted that."

  Seth's eyes went to the ceiling in the apartment as the pain of it washed over him. It had been an awful time. He had become good at not thinking about his wife and daughter, but that had stopped once he was behind bars and every memory nearly killed him.

  "What did Eliot say?" Jessie had to ask.

  "Nothing," Seth confessed. "He was so angry that I would walk out on my wife and child that he didn't speak to me for more than a week. When he did start to talk to me, all he could ask was 'How could

  178

  you?' He asked it every time he came near me until we nearly came to blows."

  This was the last thing Jessie expected. She pictured these men off having the time of their lives, living life without a thought for anyone but themselves. This description of Eliot didn't work with that image at all.

  "How long were you in prison after Eliot knew about me?" "Let me think.. .maybe ten or eleven months."

  "Did you and Eliot get out at the same time?"

  "He was released a week earlier."

  "Then what happened?"

  "He was waiting for me. He took me back to Cassy's ranch where we had all lived, and we made plans from there."

  "What kind of plans?"

  "He knew that I wanted to tell Darvi and Dakota I was sorry about what happened and that I wanted to try to come home to Token Creek."

  Again Jessie did not think of this. She'd heard the word plans and figured he'd meant money or business, not getting back to his family.

  "Where did all this come from?" Seth asked. "What made you think of all of this?"

  "I don't know. I was all ready to relax by the creek, but all I could think about was you. What day did you come back to town?" Jessie suddenly asked.

  "Let me see...I think it was four weeks ago last Friday. What day was that?"

  "The first," Jessie said quietly.

  "The day before our anniversary," Seth finished, his voice just as quiet.

  For several moments the room was silent save the ticking of the clock on the wall. Seth wasn't overly tired, but he sensed Jessie's need to be alone. He could also use some time to himself.

  "Anything else you want to ask tonight?"

  "No."

  179"I'll turn in then."

  "I'll see you in the morning."

  "Goodnight, Jessie."

  Seth left the room without another word, and Jessie did nothing to stop him.

  It makes no sense,Jessie said to herself after Seth had gone.I'm supposed to hate this man, but I'm still drawn to him. I got over him years ago. My life has been just fine without him, but he's starting to fill my thoughts again.

  How can this be? He left me! He left Hannah! How can he just waltz in here and pick up where he left off?

  As soon as the thoughts materialized, Jessie knew they were unfair. Seth had not waltzed back in. He'd come quietly and humbly and done everything she'd asked of him. Until that very afternoon when he'd corrected Clancy, he'd been very much in the background. And it had not been his idea to move back into the apartment. Jessie had invited him, and it was only fair that she remember that.

  Jessie stood and stretched her back. It was early, but she was suddenly tired. She stared at Seth's door and wondered if he was tired too. Times when no door stood between them flooded Jessie's mind. She pushed the thoughts away with an effort and headed into the bedroom with plans to sleep dreamlessly all night.

  "Everything all right?" Seth asked softly. He'd come from the bedroom on Monday morning to find Jessie on the sofa, a sleeping Hannah in her arms, both still in their nightgowns.

  "She's sick," Jessie said quietly.

  "With what I had?" Seth asked, taking the other end of the sofa. "I don't know. She's warm, but hasn't complained of a headache."

  180JESUS

  "Why don't you let me take the store today?"

  Jessie nodded with relief. She had been awake with Hannah since about three o'clock, and her body felt weighted with fatigue. "Should I get Clancy up?" Seth asked.

  "No, it's all right. If she's not up before you head down, I'll just send her to you."

  "All right. I'll head over to the hotel for breakfast."

  "Why would you do that?"

  "So I won't disturb Hannah."

  "She'll be fine. Go ahead and make something for yourself"

  As unhandy as Seth was in the kitchen, he did know how to toast

  bread and butter it. He had several slices, but no coffee, and headed

  down to ready and open the store.

  Watching him go, Jessie could not remember the last time she'd had a sick child and hadn't been forced to divide her time between the store and the apartment. Warm feelings surged through her that she could not bear. She stood with Hannah and put her in Seth's bed. The little girl never woke. Not bothering to dress, she began to make coffee and breakfast, all the time berating herself for the soft feelings she was experiencing.

  "Are you full?" Cassidy asked her five-month-old baby daughter. "Have you had enough?"

  Netty's big blue eyes were distracted for a moment by something, but as soon as she spotted her mother, she smiled in delight. Cassidy smiled right back, her heart melting with love. Much as she was enjoying this, she was hoping Netty would soon take a nap. Joey was already down, and Cassidy was ready for some quiet time.

  She rocked Netty and hummed a little, willing
her to sleep. She knew if she put her down she would fall asleep fairly fast, but there was something special for her when her children slept in her arms.

  Gaining her wish at last, Cassidy headed out onto the front porch.

  181The doors were open so she could hear the children if they cried. Trace had been slowly adding furniture to the porch, and Cassidy now took one of the rocking chairs, her eyes taking in the magnificent views of the ranch. The colors of the leaves on the Bur Oak and Quaking Aspen would be changing soon, marking her favorite time of year, and Cassidy tried to remember which of the trees usually turned first.

  In the midst of these thoughts, Meg arrived. The window to the girls' bedroom was open at the back of her house a short distance away, allowing her to hear them if they woke. Meg took another rocking chair, and the two settled in to talking.

  "How are you feeling?" Cassidy asked Meg, whose baby would be born by the end of the year.

  "A little achy, but other than that I'm fine."

  "Swollen ankles?"

  "Yes."

  "Here," Cassidy pushed a little wicker hassock toward her. "Put your feet up."

  Meg thanked her and then asked, "What do you hear from your mother?"

  "I haven't heard from her in more than a month, so I think she must be busy. I invited her to visit during the cattle drive, but she hasn't answered me yet."

  "The drive is coming up fast."

  "Yes, it is. I don't know why," Cassidy admitted, "but I'm dreading it this year."

  "Some years are worse than others for me. I have a lot I want to do this time."

  "Maybe I don't have enough planned."

  "I don't know how much planning you can do with Netty at her age," Meg said. "And let's be honest, the older the kids get, the more it impacts them."

  "Yes, but the older they get, the busier I am, so that makes the time go faster."

  They both laughed a little at their own logic, and then the conversation

  182turned to their neighbors. The Carlisles owned the next ranch out, and Marty had not been feeling well. The women were planning to take some meals to her, so they put their heads together about what to make and which days to deliver it.

  Meg's girls were awake before Cassidy's, so their talk was cut short, but that gave Cassidy a little more time on her own. She was still praying for Trace and the children when her own began waking from their naps.