Break Even

by Lisa De Jong

  “River,” I breathe as he kisses a line from my jawline to my shoulder.

  “Admit it. You like me,” he says, his lips moving against my skin.

  My fingers curl against his back. “Make me,” I taunt, enjoying the way he teases.

  He groans, his lips pulling away from me. He stares, his eyes only inches from mine. He’s baiting the truth, but something tells me he already knows. And, I can’t stand that he’s not touching me, not when his words still play over and over in my head. I want to know what he’s capable of; it’s hard to believe I haven’t already seen and felt the best of him.

  He cocks his head to the side, and I can’t take it. “I kind of like you. Now, kiss me.” As I hear my own words, I realize they’re true. I kind of like River Holtz, and I’m not quite sure how I feel about that.

  “Kind of?” he asks, lifting his brow.

  Damn him. If someone would have told me eleven days ago when River walked in my office that I’d be telling this man I like him let alone naked in his tub, I would have called them crazy.

  “I like you,” I blurt before pressing my lips to his. I’m completely consumed. Addicted.

  In a matter of a few minutes, he has me out of the tub, wrapped tightly in an oversized white towel. He dries himself then lifts me in his arms, carrying me to one of the two bedrooms I’ve yet to see. My heart pounds against its cage as he stands me next to the bed and tugs the edge of the towel, letting it to fall to my feet. His fingertips skim my stomach as he passes by to pull the comforter from the bed.

  For so long, I’ve felt desire for something more than what I have and a few of those wishes are coming true. It’s only temporary, but I’m trying not to think about that.

  He comes back to me, skimming his fingers along my skin again. “Lie in the center of the bed.”

  I stand like a statue, waiting for his sexy, bare ass to disappear from my view before crawling onto the bed. Nerves creep up as I lay back on the soft sheets, letting my head rest between two plush pillows. I close my eyes, taking in the scent of fabric softener, the sound of things being shuffled in the closet and the feel of the smooth cotton as I glide my palms over the bed. I hear him walking toward me, and my stomach flutters. When I open my eyes, he’s staring down at me with hungry eyes.

  He drops three ties onto the bed and takes my right hand in his, gently pulling my arm back until my wrist is against one of the bedposts.

  “I can’t do this,” I admit, pulling my arm from his grasp.

  His face is only a few inches from mine. “Just trust me. I’ll make you feel things you’ve never felt before,” he whispers.

  My mind whirls as if stuck in the eye of a tornado waiting to be released. He’s asking me to submit when the whole reason I’m here is to release myself from the prison of a bad marriage.

  “Marley.” My name falls softly from his lips when I’ve been quiet—motionless—for too long.

  One glimpse into his eyes, and I realize that I’m safe and I want this. Without a word, I reach my arm back near where he had it.

  He kisses the corner of my mouth before taking a tie and securing my wrist to the bed. My chest heaves as he moves to the other side, doing the same with my left wrist. Never in my life have I done anything even remotely close to this.

  “Don’t hurt me.”

  With the last tie in his hand, he sits on his knees between my legs. “This is about you—your pleasure. If you don’t like what I’m doing, even for a second, you can stop me, but I promise that I’m not him.”

  Cole flashes through my mind again, but then he’s gone. River crawls on his knees, straddling my stomach as he wraps the tie over my eyes. I swallow hard as he secures it at the back of my head. “Doing okay?” I feel his warm breath against my lips.

  I nod, biting down on my lower lip. By the time the weekend is over, there won’t be anything left of it. He brushes his lips across mine then he disappears. I can’t see him. I can’t feel his skin.

  “River?”

  “I’m here,” he answers, his hands wrapping around my ankles. They trail up my legs slowly, his thumbs teasing the insides of my thighs along the way. His hands continue their journey up my stomach. He doesn’t touch my breasts; he elects to run his fingers between them instead.

  He’s teasing me—taunting me—giving me a taste of what’s to come. It’s terrifying and exciting at the same time.

  “Relax,” he says, cupping my cheeks. “Just feel. Nothing else.”

  Turning my head, I catch his thumb between my lips. He groans, quickly pulling it away. “Remember who’s in control.”

  I arch my back as his warm skin leaves mine again. It’s not lost on me that he could leave me here if he really wanted to. I’d be tied to this bed with no one to find me. But I do trust him. I trust River, and that scares the hell out of me. Feelings get hurt when trust is broken.

  I don’t want to hurt more than I already do.

  The bed dips. His lips press to the inside of my leg, slowly working their way up. Just when I think he might kiss me there, he nips my hip between his teeth before kissing up to my belly button. His mouth leaves me, and I hear a clinking sound then he’s touching my stomach with ice between his lips. The coldness sends a shiver down my spine. Droplets of water run down my side, soaking into the sheets.

  I moan, wiggling against the bed.

  He ignores my silent plea, holding the cube in his mouth as he teases my nipples. My back arches. The sensation is something I can’t easily describe. It’s uncomfortably cold, but at the same time, the sexual tension is unbearable. He’s pushing me over the edge slowly, and I can’t get enough. Never enough of him.

  I feel him hardening against my thigh, and all I can think about is how much I want him inside me. I tug against my restraints, but it’s no use. He’s got me where he wants me as he works the ice up my throat. A chill runs through my body, but the heat between my legs is undeniable.

  He runs the ice along my lips, a few drops of the cool liquid slipping between them. I kiss him, taking the last bit of ice on my tongue when he presses it between my lips. He trails along my cheek until his lips brush my earlobe. “Do you want me between your legs, Marley?”

  “God, yes,” I whisper, the anticipation more than I can take. His warm breath hits my ear then he’s gone. His body is no longer my blanket. His heart no longer beating against mine.

  I miss him. I want him. I crave him.

  Something soft and feather-like brushes against my foot. It’s hard not to scream out—to beg for everything as it roams up my leg. When it hits the top of my thigh, I expect him to skip over where I’ve needed for him to touch me most, but he surprises me, sweeping it between my legs. I repeat his name over and over, my back arching. With slightly more pressure, I’d be a goner. He’s building me up ever so slowly. It’s beautifully painful how he’s able to hold me at the edge without letting me fall. If he pushed himself inside me, I’d clench around him in a matter of seconds.

  He brushes between my legs once more, then kisses me there. One light kiss. He’s driving me completely, utterly insane.

  “How bad do you want me now?” His voice is strained, his breath hitting my core.

  “I don’t want you … I need you.” The lust in my voice can’t be masked.

  “I’d ask how you want me to fuck you, beautiful, but you don’t get a say this time. I could take you fast. I could take you slow. I could leave you tied to this bed and tease you for hours.”

  Bending my knee, I brush my thigh against his length. He growls, kissing me once more where I’m aching for him.

  “River, please,” I beg, lifting my hips.

  His tongue darts over my clit. Even with the blindfold on, I close my eyes. Anticipation is my favorite part, or at least it used to be before it rarely ever led me where I wanted to go. He sucks then moves his tongue against me again. My fingers beg to tangle in his hair. I’d give anything to see the look in his eyes. The fact that I can’t turns me on even
more.

  Then he just leaves me. Again. I’m about to tell him I can’t do this anymore when I hear the familiar sound of the foil packet ripping. “I need to feel you around me,” he groans, before pressing against me and sinking all the way in.

  Hell just met heaven, and I think heaven has the upper hand.

  He pulls out slowly and pushes back in even slower. “You have no idea how good it feels to have you wrapped around me. No fucking idea.” He repeats the same movement a few times over, his breathing becoming heavier with each.

  “More,” my voice begs.

  “Easy,” he groans, thrusting in and out of me like a man who has been starved of sex for years. Heaven wins as I clench around him over and over. His pace doesn’t slow as he kisses me to swallow my screams.

  I climb down from my first high. He uses his thumb and index finger to work my nipples as he takes a steady pace. Not even a minute later, I experience heaven again. “Fuck, River.”

  He pounds into me three more times, my muscles still clenching. Then he halts, unleashing a slew of his own curse words as he pulses inside me.

  Our heavy breathing calms as he slowly pulls out of me. His sweat-covered chest brushes mine when he leans in to press his lips against my own. It’s short and sweet. River Holtz can be sweet even when he has me tied to a bed.

  His skin leaves mine, and when I think he might untie me, his hot mouth falls between my legs again. There’s not much more I can take.

  He finds a steady rhythm between licking and sucking, gently tugging my clit between his teeth from time to time. The man knows exactly what he’s doing, bringing me to the edge of the cliff then pulling me back before I fall. His fingers dig into my thighs as I do my best not to bruise my wrists while I pull against the restraints.

  “One more time,” he whispers against my skin. “Let me hear those sexy noises one more time.”

  Inserting two fingers inside me, he laps my skin a few more times with his tongue, and I lose it. I completely lose it, my muscles tightening just as they did the first time. I scream out, buckling my hips. “No more. I can’t!” I yell, attempting to catch my breath.

  He comes up my body, carefully pulling the tie from my eyes. I adjust to the light, getting my first glimpse at the satisfied look on his face. You’d think I made all his dreams come true when it’s the complete opposite. “How much do you like me now?” he asks, swiping the sweat-drenched hair from my forehead.

  “A lot.”

  He loosens the ties from my wrists, and on instinct, I wrap my arms around his back. They’re sore, but nothing beats feeling his skin against mine. He relaxes against me, nuzzling the crook of my neck. “This ends tomorrow,” he reminds me.

  My heart does this thing … the same thing it does when Cole doesn’t come home or when he’s too wrapped up in his work to give his attention to me. “I know,” I whisper, relieved he’s not peering into my eyes. There’s too much truth that shouldn’t be there. A married woman shouldn’t be feeling the way I am right now about this man.

  He was supposed to be the answer to my unfulfilled desires. He has filled them, but I still want more. The more part is what scares me.

  “IS IT MY TURN NOW?” I ask when we’re sitting at the table eating a late lunch a while later. Sex led to a nap then a quick shower. Now, he’s in nothing but a pair of athletic shorts, his muscular chest making it almost impossible to focus on his eyes.

  “I was hoping you’d forget,” he answers, after devouring the last of his sandwich.

  “My memory is one of my best assets.”

  His eyes scan my body. “I beg to differ.”

  “So do I get to ask you whatever I want?” I ask, ignoring his comment.

  He sits back in his chair, staring at me. I take that as my invitation.

  “You have a lot to give someone. Why don’t you want anything serious?” He definitely knows how to please a woman in bed. His sense of humor and intelligence have proved endearing too.

  “I don’t like to feel tied down to anything.” He winks.

  I ignore his humor, shaking my head. “Isn’t it more of a partnership, though? Two people who have independent lives, but work together toward the same personal goals. Relationships aren’t supposed to tie you down.”

  He looks at me sideways. “Is that how you make your marriage work?” The last word rolls from his tongue slowly to prove a point.

  “You don’t get to ask questions.” My marriage is in shambles because Cole and I work together. There’s not much independence in that, and on top of it, our personal goals no longer align. Partnership has a literal meaning for us—a business one. Letting go of reality, I slip back into the game. “How did you get into the nightclub industry? You’re a smart guy. You could do just about anything. Why did you choose that?”

  “Because I knew my dad would hate it. He wanted me to be him. I just wanted to be me. It’s actually the same reason I don’t want to be tied down; I don’t need someone controlling my time or my thoughts. I definitely don’t need anyone to make me happy.”

  “What does your dad do?”

  His elbows rest on the counter. “You get two more questions, counselor. Are you sure you want to use one on that?”

  I shrug. “If I let you tie me down again later, maybe I can weasel in a couple more.”

  “Not happening.”

  “Answer it anyway.”

  He sighs, scrubbing his hand over his jaw. “He’s the president of one of the largest banks in the country.” For a few seconds, he pauses, staring over at me. “One more. Make it count.”

  “This is my courtroom. I can ask as many questions as I’d like.” I finish off the last of my sandwich.

  “Is that your question?” he teases.

  “No.”

  “We can pretend this is a courtroom if you’d like, counselor, but I plead the fifth.”

  “Fine,” I say, thinking carefully. “How did you get involved in CASA?”

  He runs his long fingers through his disheveled hair. “CASA helped someone I owe a favor to. I help CASA. And before any more questions pop into that pretty head of yours, that was your last one.”

  “To whom do you owe the favor?” I ask, pushing the limit.

  “You’re done, counselor.”

  River isn’t my case, but I want to solve him. I want to know everything I can about him. I want to understand him. His life isn’t any of my business, but for whatever reason, I care.

  CASA provides advocates for abused and neglected children. It’s a program that doesn’t get nearly enough attention, which just makes me wonder how he got so involved.

  Glancing over at him, it’s evident I’ve put a few wounds in his usual carefree personality. “Show me the theater room,” I say, scooting off the barstool.

  The expression on his face flips from desolate to amused. Something tells me River is good at hiding, but I’ve gotten a few glimpses of his true self over the last couple weeks. “Come with me,” he instructs, grabbing my hand in his.

  Just the thought of what’s going to happen when we get in there makes me smile inwardly. We walk past the bedrooms, going all the way down to the last door on the right. River pushes open the double doors and leads me into what actually looks like a mini theater—walls covered in a black and red material. The lights are low. It’s actually kind of romantic.

  He spins around, gripping my hips to pull my body to his. “So, what did you have in mind?”

  I bite my lower lip, leaning into him. “Netflix?”

  “What?” he asks, brow lifted.

  “Do you have Netflix?”

  “Yes, but that’s—”

  “Great. Let’s watch Pitch Perfect,” I squeal, freeing myself from his grip to take a seat in the front.

  “You have got to be fucking kidding me,” he groans, standing like a statue.

  “Nope. You said I was in control the rest of the day, and you’ve been dying to show me this room, so we’re getting the best of both world
s,” I say, reclining. “Have you ever seen it?”

  He shakes his head, still stuck in the same spot.

  “Get this thing going then. You don’t know what you’re missing.”

  “I’m missing a lot with you if I spend the next two hours with my eyes glued to a screen. I’d rather look at you.” He’s actually pouting, and it’s kind of cute.

  “Maybe later, if you follow my directions. Right now, you’re not doing a very good job at giving me control.”

  He takes a second before actually walking across the room to grab a remote. He sits next to me, powering on the big screen. It takes a couple minutes to get set up, but the movie begins as the lights dim.

  The movie is full of funny quotes, but it’s a few scenes in before he laughs for the first time. When he does, he looks over. I win, but he needed to relax just as much as I did. He lifts the piece that divides our two seats and wraps his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to his chest. He kisses my forehead before focusing back on the movie.

  Aubrey and Fat Amy get me every time. They got him too.

  The morning light shines through the blinds when I lift my lids. River’s arm is wrapped so tightly around my waist, I couldn’t move if I tried.

  In a few short hours, this will be over, even though I don’t want it to be. I’ll go back to the life I left behind when he picked me up Friday night. I’ll have the rest of the day and the week to decide what I’m going to say to Cole when he gets back into town. Sometimes, you can live a life by simply staying afloat, but that’s not what I’ve been doing; I’m drowning. My newfound happiness is like fresh air. I’m gasping for it, but it’s been impossible because the resentment won’t let me rise to the surface.

  Cole was once the best thing that ever happened to me, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s the best thing for me. The thought of being alone scares me too. The thought of hurting him scares me even more; even after everything he’s done to bring us to this point. Maybe there’s something I could have done differently.

  Lifting my head, I adjust my pillow so it’s rolled under my neck.

  “Up already?” River asks, his lips brushing my shoulder.