Break Even

by Lisa De Jong

  I smile at the sound of his voice. His raspy morning voice is my favorite. “I’m just used to getting up early.”

  “That means we have time for some more fun before you have to go home. Can’t say I’ll complain about that.”

  “I doubt you’ll be hurting too much. By next weekend, you’ll have found someone else to keep you company,” I say. The words pierce my chest. It was meant to be funny, but I guess I hate the thought of him having fun after I leave.

  He rolls me onto my back, leaning over me. “There’s never been another woman in this bed.”

  I don’t get him. I don’t get him at all. “Well, then what’s different about me?”

  “I don’t know,” he says quietly, brushing a few strands of hair from my face. “I drove here without thinking Friday night, but even when I realized what I was doing I still wanted you here.”

  It’s actually hurts to think about leaving and never seeing him again. He awakened me—at least temporarily bringing me to the surface.

  I grip his head in my hands, pulling him in for a kiss. His naked body covers mine as he kisses me softly over and over. I slip into a world of pretend where this is my life—my average Sunday morning. Where I wake up next to a man who’d rather devour me than the newspaper or a cup of coffee. This is far from real life.

  He hardens between my legs, creating friction as he reaches his forearms above my head to deepen the kiss. “River,” I moan against his lips, my fingers curling against the sheets. I feel his tip at my entrance as his tongue slips between my lips to tangle with mine. He slides up my body a couple inches, entering me.

  He’s taken my ability to speak, to think. His touch heightens my senses until all I can do is feel. By the time his mouth leaves mine, he’s in as deep as my body will allow. I release the sheets, running my fingers along his bare back as his lips trail my neck.

  “My God!” I scream as he slowly pulls out then thrusts back in at an even slower pace. “Don’t stop.”

  “So sweet.” His fingers tangle in my hair, the rhythm of his thrusts remaining steady. “You deserve this,” he whispers in my ear. “You deserve this every morning when you wake up and every night before you drift off to sleep.”

  The internal feelings can’t be suppressed. River Holtz is far from perfect, but perfection can be found in him. Just as I deserve better than what my husband has given me, River deserves better than what he allows himself. He has a shield protecting him, which leaves me to believe he’s been hurt before. Badly.

  With his fingers still tangled in my hair, he kisses along my collarbone, trailing a path to my breasts. As he plunges even deeper, a single tear slides down the side of my face. I don’t love River, but he’s reminding me what it felt like when I knew Cole loved me—when he showed me. This whole weekend has opened my eyes in ways I never imagined.

  “Don’t ever forget this,” he mumbles, lips brushing against my skin.

  “I won’t,” I breathe, holding him tighter. I can’t.

  “Don’t settle.”

  “I won’t.” Another tear. I wasn’t supposed to get attached, but somewhere along the way I did—at least to the idea of being with someone like this.

  His thrusts quicken. I scream out as an orgasm rolls through every nerve in my body, my walls squeezing tightly around him. He follows, his body buckling as he releases into me. He collapses onto me, our sweat-drenched bodies tangled as we try to catch our breath. Imagining anything ever comparing to this is impossible. He’s ruined me.

  “Shit,” he says, the warmth of his body suddenly leaving me cold.

  “What?”

  “I forgot a condom. Shit.”

  I feel more disgust than panic. I’ve only ever been with my husband like this, and it’s not right. I immediately feel the weight of the terrible mistake that I’ve made. It’s not fair to Cole, not when a piece of paper still binds us. Not when I haven’t even told him things are over between us. I need to get out of here. “I need to go home,” I say, quickly climbing from the bed.

  He tugs at his hair. “I didn’t say you have to leave.”

  “But I do.”

  I close myself in the bathroom, feeling the warm proof of what just happened sliding down my inner thigh. After using the bathroom, I wipe it away. This mixed with the guilt leaves me feeling wretched. Somewhere along the way, fun turned into something more serious, leading us over a line that was never to be crossed. After washing my hands and splashing cold water over my face, I exit the bedroom, careful not to make eye contact with him. I find my white dress lying over a chair in the corner of the room and quickly pull it over my head.

  As I walk toward the door to find my shoes and purse, I hear his footsteps behind me. I can’t bring myself to look back; I’m afraid of what I might see, and I have no idea what I should say.

  When my heels are on and my purse is pulled over my shoulder, I start toward the elevator but don’t make it before his hand wraps around my arm. “Stop!”

  Still, I don’t turn back around. “Let me go. This went too far, and we both know it.”

  “At least let me take you home.”

  I shake my head. “I’ll get a cab. It’s better that way.”

  He lets go of my arm, coming to stand in front of me. He cups my face in his hands, running his thumbs over my cheekbones. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”

  “You don’t have to worry about being a father or anything, if that’s what’s going through your head right now.” I haven’t been on the pill in months, but the timing is way off. My window to get pregnant passed several days ago. I know because I understand my body better than I understand my own husband.

  “The only thing going through my head is you. What are you thinking?” he asks, moving in closer.

  I close my eyes. I’m thinking so many things I can’t say. “Thank you for everything you’ve given me this weekend, but I have to go. Just let me go.” My voice trails off.

  He tilts my head, lightly pressing his lips to mine before I have a chance to react. I open my eyes just as he breaks away.

  “Goodbye, Marley,” he says, sounding detached. I watch as he presses the down elevator button and walks away before the elevator even arrives.

  The door opens, and I walk in, slipping down the wall as it descends. River Holtz is the past. I need to keep him there. It seemed rather easy for him to let me go. I need to do the same.

  It hurts though. It’s as if all the air I’d been breathing the last couple days is gone. I’ve been sucked under again. I sunk to the bottom after Cole let go of me. River threw me a life jacket, and I just decided to let go.

  It really fucking hurts.

  THE WHOLE CAB RIDE IS A BLUR. My mind is caught in the eye again, switching between thoughts of my hasty goodbye with River and my crumbling marriage. It’s nerve-wracking and exhausting. It takes all of the happiness that was infused in my soul over the weekend and drains me until I’m dry.

  As the driver pulls in front of my house, I realize I feel nothing. I reach in my purse and hand him a few bills. I can’t imagine what he must have thought when he stopped alongside the curb where I stood in my crumpled dress, and my ruffled hair.

  “Thanks,” I mutter as I climb out of the car.

  He nods as I push the door shut and step up on the curb. I cross my arms over my chest as I walk up the long drive. I put the code in to open the garage door, and, as it lifts, I see Cole’s car. My heart races at a feverish pace. I thought I’d have all day to think about what I wanted to do or say. If this weekend taught me anything, it’s that my life at home is pathetic—I’m pathetic for letting it get to this point.

  But, it’s too late to run away. The door is open; he heard me coming in.

  I wonder if he knows what I’ve been up to. Will he put all the pieces together or believe any of the lies I am about to feed him because I’m not ready to spill the truth?

  I open the door wearing the same white dress I had on Friday night, carefully and quiet
ly slipping off my heels. I listen to the garage close as my eyes set on an annoyed Cole, leaning against the kitchen island. He scans my figure from head to toe. He knows, or at least, I think he knows. He might end this before I even have the chance.

  “Where have you been?” he asks, scrubbing his hand through his dark hair.

  “A friend took me out for my birthday.” Not exactly a lie.

  “Who?” he asks, eyes narrowing in on me. “I’ve already called every one of your friends, and no one has heard from you all weekend.”

  The anger I felt on Friday boils back up to the surface again. It doesn’t matter what I’ve done since. I was done before I fell into River’s arms. “It doesn’t really matter to you anyway.”

  He comes at me fast, his face only a few inches from mine. “Who the fuck were you with, Marley? I came home late last night to surprise you, and the surprise was on me. So who the fuck were you with?”

  Red is all I see when I look at Cole. “What were you going to do, Cole, hmm? Did you come home to fuck me against the counter again? I’m going to guess your flight leaves soon to God-knows-where. In and out fast; that’s how everything is with you these days.”

  I might as well have slapped him in the face. He drops his head, taking a couple steps back. “Is that what you think of me?”

  The Marley from a few days ago might have cowered. She might have wrapped her arms around him because she hated the thought of seeing him hurt. I feel ten times stronger now; my eyes are opening.

  “That’s all you’ve shown me in over a year, Cole. When was the last time you put my needs before your career? When was the last time you made love to me in our bed? I’ve been desperate for you, and you ignore it. What else do you want from me?” Tears fall like raindrops during a heavy storm.

  His arms fold around me, my tears soaking the front of his gray dress shirt. I don’t want his comfort—it doesn’t mean much to me anymore—but he deserves to listen to my pain. Every single tear belongs to him. “I’m trying to build the firm, baby. I never meant to ignore you.”

  “I was trying to save our marriage,” I answer back, pulling at his well-pressed shirt.

  He steps back, gripping my arms tightly as he looks me straight in the eye. “What do you mean? What did you do, Marley?”

  Shaking my head, I try to come up with an answer that gives him what he’s looking for but saves him the details. “I just … I can’t do this anymore.”

  His face crumbles like a puzzle that’s been dropped on the floor. It causes an ache in my chest because I still love this man. I’ll always love him. My love just isn’t enough anymore.

  “One more chance,” he begs, pulling me closer. “Just give me one more chance.”

  “I gave you one after the cabin. It didn’t take you very long to use it.” My voice vibrates.

  “Let me take you to dinner. Let me show you how much I still love you,” he pleads, placing his hand over his heart. “Give me tonight, and if you still want to leave after…” He didn’t finish his sentence, but it was clear what he meant.

  Anyone who could see the pained look in his eyes at this very moment would struggle to tell him no. It’s enough to make me doubt every decision I’ve made the last forty-eight hours. It’s enough to revive my heart—make it beat for him again.

  The room is silent, our marriage hanging in the balance. How Cole and Marley will play out sits squarely on my shoulders. In my mind, it was already over, but that doesn’t mean he can’t change things for us and turn it all around. If the old Cole came walking back into my life, he’d be hard to resist. If there were even a semblance of him, it would be hard for me to leave. I won’t feel that way for much longer, though. The longer I go without seeing him, the less I remember of him. The less I remember, the less I care.

  “Dinner. I’ll let you take me to dinner.” Please don’t let me regret this.

  His expression relaxes. His grip on me loosens. “I’ll go ahead and make a reservation. How does six o’clock sound? I can have a car pick us up.”

  “Don’t you have to go back to Chicago?”

  “I’m staying until Tuesday morning. The rest of the team is taking care of things until then,” he says.

  I nod, suddenly feeling more confused than anything. It’s as if he woke up and realized that things needed to change just when I’d given up.

  “I’m not promising you anything tonight, Cole. My heart is telling me to let you back in while my head is telling me to leave. If you want us, you’re going to have to convince me … all of me,” I say, not wanting to completely diminish his hopes for tonight.

  “I have some surprises for you. I promise.”

  I slowly step back at his promise of surprises. It reminds me of where I’ve been all weekend. Can he smell River on me? I wonder if he recognizes the just-been-fucked look I’m wearing so well, but then again, he never sticks around long enough to see it. “I’m going to jump in the shower.”

  He tilts his head to one side. “Can I join you?”

  “No, Cole. Sex isn’t going to solve any of our problems.”

  He stuffs his hands in his pockets. “Do you mind if I run to the office for a couple hours? It seems like you might do better with a little space anyway.”

  “Since when did you become so perceptive?”

  “Since I almost lost my wife.”

  “You don’t have her back yet,” I remind him as I walk away. He’s wrong if he thinks a prime cut of meat and a glass of expensive red are going to be the key to winning me back. I also can’t guarantee that what happened this weekend isn’t going to be a hurdle even if Cole somehow changes his ways. I broke the vow that was most important to me because I thought we were done. It’s going to be hard to forget what I did and simply move on.

  “So is it okay if I run to the office?” he yells from the distance.

  “I don’t care, Cole!” I shout back. I need time to sort through the feelings parading through me. It’s enough to make even the sanest of women completely insane.

  I hear the garage door open right before I turn on the shower, letting the water heat as much as my skin can handle. River is on me and inside of me, and no matter what happens with Cole, I can’t have him back.

  Cole comes home exactly when he promised he would. Dread fills me when I hear his footsteps coming toward the bedroom where I’ve slowly been getting ready for dinner. I’ve thought about calling the whole thing off several times since he left, but after eleven years together, dinner is the least I can do. It’s especially hard to rescind his offer when he holds up his end of the bargain.

  “You’re gorgeous,” he remarks, as soon as he walks in our bedroom. The deep red strapless dress isn’t what he originally had in mind for my birthday dinner, but I guess it works. The white dress will never be his; no matter what happens, it belongs to River.

  “Thank you,” I say quietly, looking back at him through the mirror as I put in my diamond stud earrings. “You don’t think it’s too short?” It barely skims my upper thigh.

  “There’s no such thing with legs like yours.” He comes up behind me, his cool hands resting on my shoulders. His familiar scent reminds me of home, grounding me even more. “I’m going to take a quick shower and change before we go,” he adds.

  My eyes meet his through the mirror. For the first time since I’ve seen him today, I crack the hint of a smile. “No need to make it quick. We have plenty of time.” When I last looked at the clock, it was a few minutes after four.

  “I was hoping to spend a few minutes with my wife before we go.” His hands caress my shoulders then slip down my upper arms. “I missed you last week. You may not believe it now, but I did.”

  “I missed you, too,” I admit. It’s the truth.

  He moves to my side, kneeling next to my chair. When I turn toward him, he pulls my face in his hands and kisses me once on the lips before I have a chance to object. It’s gentle; a kiss pleading for forgiveness. I’m the one needing forgiveness if
things happen to work out between us.

  “I love you,” he whispers, resting his forehead against mine.

  “I love you, too.” I close my eyes, wishing I’d seen this version of Cole sooner. It may be too late for us, and he’s definitely too late to save me from the arms of another man.

  While he’s in the shower, I apply the bright red lipstick I reserve for special occasions. If we’re going to make this work, we’re following my rules. No sex. And we need to talk about what we need to do to rebuild the foundation our relationship was built on. Rediscover what it was that made us fall in love in the first place … if Cole is even committed to that. And if that happens, and that’s a big if, we have to get past what I did this weekend.

  My phone dings as I put on the last layer of mascara.

  River: R u okay?

  My husband is only a few feet away in the shower. I’m supposed to be deciding what I want from my marriage, but River has been on my mind all afternoon.

  Marley: Going out with my husband.

  The screen shows him typing almost immediately, then there’s a pause.

  River: Did he take his phone with him to the bathroom?

  I start to type “No” because Cole always leaves it on the dresser, but he didn’t tonight. In fact, I don’t know when I last saw it.

  Marley: That’s none of your business.

  River: You sound like the old Marley, not the one I spent the weekend with.

  River and I had a business relationship. It’s not what I’ll remember, but I can’t help what’s on repeat right now. It would be best if I could just erase all of it.

  Marley: Lose my number. I can’t do this.

  River: I can’t promise anything.

  I’m about to plead with him, or maybe block his number all together when it hits me.

  Marley: How did you know Cole was in the bathroom?

  Silence. Glancing around the room, I notice the blinds are closed. So how the hell did he know?

  BY THE TIME COLE IS READY, I’m sitting at the dining room table reading over a few case notes for the upcoming week. It’s what I’d planned on doing before he showed up unexpectedly.