Break Even

by Lisa De Jong

  He sits next to me, watching for a few seconds until I look up. I have to admit he looks really damn good in a pair of belted gray slacks and a black button-down, but the physical attraction has never been the issue in our relationship. “We have some time before the car arrives.”

  I close the file I’d been working on.

  “I think we should talk,” he suggests when he has my full attention.

  “Can I ask you a question first?”

  “You just did, but you’re welcome to another.”

  Inhaling a deep breath, I lay out exactly what’s on my mind. “Where was your phone while you were in the shower?”

  His brow furrows. “It was in my pocket so I put it on the bathroom counter. Why?”

  My cheeks redden. River’s last text has run through my mind after every page of notes I’ve read. The fact that he didn’t respond after I picked up on his slip makes me even more suspicious. “I was going to add something to your calendar, but I didn’t see it on the dresser,” I lie.

  He smiles. “Well you can do that from your phone. I showed you once, remember?”

  “No,” I respond, waving him off. “It’s not a big deal. Since you’re in the office tomorrow, will you be handling the Wells case?”

  From the look on his face, you’d think he just saw a ghost—his skin pales as he looks away.

  “Are you okay?” I ask, squeezing his forearm.

  “Yeah, sorry,” he mumbles, shaking his head. “Mr. Wells decided to hire a new attorney since I couldn’t guarantee I’d be back in town. It’s probably for the best anyway; the guy is a jerk.”

  “I could’ve handled it.”

  “I don’t doubt it, but the decision has already been made.” He pauses, staring out the window. “What do I have to do to make this work, Marley? I will do just about anything you ask me to.”

  “Can we just see how dinner goes—?”

  “No. I want to know what I have to do to make you love me like before. I want to know what I’d have to do to make you happy.”

  I bite down on my lower lip. We’ve already talked more today than we have in the last month combined. I’m not sure how to deal with it because I’ve grown so used to co-existing. “I never said I loved you any less.”

  He leans in, holding my hand between his. “Let me rephrase that. What do I need to do to make you fall back in love with me?”

  “I love—”

  “Stop, Marley,” he interrupts. “Everything has changed, and if you tell me any different, I’ll know that it’s just a bunch of bullshit.”

  “Let me finish,” I say, unable to disguise the annoyance in my voice. “I love you. Whether or not we end up staying together, I’ll always love you, but for things to be the way they were, I need to feel the same from you. I shouldn’t have to guess whether or not you care about me.”

  “What else?”

  I ponder his question because there are so many things I could say that it’s hard to know where to start. “You. It needs to feel like you actually live here, not like we’re two people who occasionally pass by each other on the weekends. I’m lonely, Cole. And I want a family. I’ve waited long enough.”

  “I told you I’d cut back after this case, and I meant it. I can’t drop a client in the middle of a big trial.”

  “Even when you’re dropping me in the process?” I ask, the words spilling out before I even have time to think about them.

  He grabs hold of both my hands, tugging until I’m off my chair and on his lap. We used to sit like this, and I used to wrap my arms around his neck just to be as close as I possibly could. “If it means that much to you, I’ll drop the case. I’ll work with my co-counsel tomorrow to make sure the client is taken care of. I may have to fly there for a couple days this week to sign a few things over, but I’d do it … for you.”

  “The question is, do I mean that much to you?” I ask, holding his eyes to force the truth.

  “Yes,” he whispers, splaying his hand on my back to pull me in for another quick kiss. It’s hard to not melt into him; I missed this. I missed the playful side of him. “Do you want to skip dinner? I want to take you to bed. Let me show you how much I love you.”

  I open my mouth to protest, but nothing comes out. Cole pulls his phone from his pocket and thumbs through it for a few seconds before pressing it to his ear. “It’s Cole Mason. I need to cancel my car for tonight.” He looks into my eyes. They glimmer, and I think mine might too, at least a little bit.

  He ends the call, carefully tucking the phone back in his pocket. On instinct, I wrap my arms around his neck and let him carry me to the bedroom. There’s a glimpse of the man I fell in love with.

  Light still shines through the window on this early summer evening in Miami as he sits me on the edge of the bed and tosses my heels off to the side. My fingers tangle in his hair as they have so many times before. His hands slip from my ankles to my thighs, and his eyes follow the movement when what I really want is for him to look at me so I can see what he’s thinking. Genuine love—that’s all I’ve ever wanted. I want to recognize it in my heart before I hear it. I want it to be unbreakable.

  When he reaches the line of my panties, he slips them off and lifts my skirt before unfastening his belt. This isn’t what I had in mind. This isn’t how River showed me it could be. This isn’t what’s going to save my marriage.

  “Lie down, baby,” Cole growls, standing at the edge of the bed, staring down at me.

  I do as he asks, feeling cool air between my legs. I watch as he frees himself then crawls onto the bed. For the first time, his eyes connect with mine. I don’t see the sincerity. I don’t see the months worth of apologies I’ve been waiting for. There’s a hunger, but not the type I’ve been yearning for.

  I expect more from a man who knows he’s at the crossroads.

  Then, as if he read me for the first time in months, he travels up the length of my body, planting feather light kisses along my exposed skin. “I love the way you smell,” he murmurs.

  I feel him at my entrance and freeze up. This isn’t enough, not yet. Momentarily, our hearts connected, but nothing has been cemented. “Stop!” I shout, pushing against his chest.

  He stares down, shocked. “Did I do something wrong?”

  “I’m not ready for this yet, Cole. I need to know we’re okay, and I’m not there yet.” The only one I was fooling was myself by thinking I could go through with this.

  “Just once. Let me feel you again just once.” He pushes in just a bit, but I’m not wet at all. It’s more pain than pleasure.

  “No, Cole,” I plead, shaking my head. It burns as if it’s the first time.

  He pulls out carefully, collapsing on top of me. “Damn it!” he yells into the stillness. It’s quiet for a moment before he says, “I’ll fix this. I’m going to fix this.”

  I don’t know if it’s him or me or us, but nothing about this feels right. Hesitantly, I fold my arms around him. Not many hours ago, I was done with this man, but our past endears me to him. Vows have been broken, but the thought of not being with him weighs heavily on my heart.

  The room is quiet, only the sound of the ceiling fan spinning above. I focus on it as his head rests in the crook of my neck. I blink to hold back more of those stupid never-ending tears.

  “Cole,” I say quietly, brushing my fingertips along his spine.

  “Yeah, baby?”

  “Come here,” I instruct, sliding my fingers across his cheek.

  He lifts his head, dark blue eyes staring down at me. Holding his face in my hands, I pull his lips to mine. It’s possible for the heart to light up and sputter with just a kiss. It either burns in your chest, or you feel nothing at all. His lips are still against mine then as I begin to stroke his cheeks, and he coaxes his tongue between my lips.

  My heart stammers. He cradles one side of my face in his hand as his tongue circles mine, and a tiny flame ignites inside of me. He devours me much the same way he did on our second date back i
n college. The memories throw more fuel to the fire, and I find hope. It hangs by the thinnest of strings, but it’s there.

  “Give me another chance,” he whispers against my lips after pulling away. “I know it’s not easy. I know it’s going to take a while to get back to where we were, but baby, please give me a chance.”

  I want to. I will. But, will he do the same for me? Will he meet me half way?

  “I have to tell you something first.”

  His finger touches my lips, drawing a line between them. “Don’t. Whatever is in the past can stay there.”

  “It’s—”

  “It’s not important anymore.” He kisses me again, our bodies melting together. He may not want to hear what I’ve done now, but if this actually works between us, I’ll have no choice but to tell him. Most people would sweep it under a rug, but that’s not me. An unclear conscience is one of the mind’s worst defects.

  As he lies at my side, I curl against him in my crumpled red dress. It might take me a while to trust him again, but the spark is still there. I can feel it. It’s worth the chance; he’s worth a chance.

  COLE WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND my waist as I pour my second cup of coffee and my anxiety sets in. This is the point where he’d usually push my skirt up and bend me over the counter. It’s all or nothing with him in the morning; he either wants me or walks right on by without a word. I haven’t seen enough to guarantee we’re going back in the right direction. And I haven’t yet forgiven myself.

  “Do you want to ride to work with me today?” I ask, allowing myself to relax into him.

  He kisses the spot below my ear. “I can’t, baby. I have a few things I need to take care of before I head out of town, and I hate to hang you up at the office.”

  “What time do you take off tomorrow?”

  “Not sure. I still need to make the arrangements.”

  I nod, carefully cradling my cup in both hands to bring it to my lips.

  His hands slip down, gripping my hips as he kisses along my neck. “I miss you.”

  “I know,” I whisper, closing my eyes tightly. He knows how to get me. He always gets his way, but I’m just not feeling … attainable. My body may be on board, but my mind can’t jump on the train quite yet.

  “Tonight?” he asks, tugging my shirt back just enough to nip my shoulder.

  I wanted to believe that everything had changed last night. That somehow he’d seen a light he’d been blind to for a while. Maybe, I’m the one who’s blind. Love can causes tunnel vision; there’s no questioning that.

  “I need time,” I admit, setting down my cup. His mouth halts its exploration before leaving me all together. A person can feel lonely even when they’re wrapped in someone’s arms.

  “I should probably head in to the office. I have a lot to get done,” he says, stepping away.

  “Cole,” I say, spinning around to look at my husband in his tailored gray suit. Most women who see him walking down the sidewalk would do a double take. They’d wonder what it would be like to be with him. They’d make assumptions about it simply because he looks as if he has just stepped out of an Armani ad. I used to feel the same.

  He glares down at me almost as if he’s never seen me before. There’s a vacancy in his eyes. I notice he’s put his own space between us. “I need time, too,” he says quietly, swiping his thumb along my jawbone.

  Then he’s gone. And I’m not even sure if he was ever really here.

  “Good morning,” Beatrice says as I walk through the door.

  “Good morning.” I notice the questioning look on her face but ignore it, thumbing through the mail instead. “Is Cole in his office?” I ask when I reach the bottom of the stack.

  “He got in a few minutes ago.”

  After he left, I spent several minutes on the couch sorting through my tears, then many more in the bathroom trying to put myself back together.

  Without another word, I head to my office, closing the door behind me. I’m focused on the window, on finding my spot in the distance, my peace. I don’t get far before a vase of fresh white roses catches my attention. My heart hammers as I reach for the card. River.

  I’ve tried to bury the memories of him over the last twenty-four hours, but he keeps popping back up. He transformed me in ways I can’t even describe, yet showed me a world of lust I never knew existed. The thing about lust is that it’s so strong it doesn’t easily diminish.

  Taking a deep breath, I pull the card from the envelope.

  The card falls from my fingertips. I should be relieved, but my heart didn’t want it to be Cole. Picking up the card from my desk, I do my best to erase the adulterous thoughts from my mind. Beatrice just stares as I walk out of my office toward Cole’s. His door is closed, but I push it open without knocking.

  He’s reclining back in his chair, smiling, with his cell phone pressed to his ear. It takes him a few seconds to see me, but once he does, the smile dulls. “I have to go. I’ll call you back later,” he says before tossing his phone on his desk. He stands, walking to where I stand. “Hey.”

  “I thought I’d come and thank you for the flowers. They’re beautiful.”

  He folds his arms around me, pulling me into his body. “I love you. I really do.”

  “I don’t doubt that,” I say softly, hugging him closer.

  “Do you like white? I thought I’d try something new.”

  My stomach flips. Red is our color. White belongs to someone else. I nod. It’s all I can muster.

  Cradling my face in his hands, he kisses me slowly, passionately. I feel love, or at least something a lot like it. When he pulls back, he presses his forehead to mine. “I shouldn’t have left this morning. I know we still have a lot to talk about.”

  “It’s okay. We can’t change many months worth of wrongs all in one day.”

  I hear him swallow as he closes his eyes tightly. “I have to leave tonight, baby. It was the only way I could get back before trial tomorrow.”

  My heart drops. “You said you’d be staying until Tuesday.”

  “I’m sorry,” he whispers, holding me tighter. “If I’m going to pass this on so I can be home to work on our relationship, I need to be there. If there was anything I could do to change that, I would, but you know how judges are.”

  I do. Judges run the courtroom; lawyers are simply players they referee. It doesn’t mean I’m any less disappointed, and I can’t help but wonder if it has anything to do with what I said this morning. Or, what I can’t give him yet.

  “There’s not a single flight you could get first thing in the morning?”

  “I tried, but by the time I land and taxi in to the city, I’ll already be late. I’ll be home Wednesday night. You can enjoy a quiet night and have wine with the girls tomorrow night; I’ll be home before you know it.”

  The disappointment is still there, but a couple days to get my head on straight might not be a bad idea. So much has happened so quickly.

  “What time are you leaving?” I ask, hoping we can at least have dinner first.

  “My flight leaves at six-thirty, so I’ll probably take off this afternoon to throw a bag together and get to the airport on time.”

  I attempt to pull back, but he won’t let me. “Don’t. Once I get back on Wednesday, I’m not leaving for a long time. So don’t.”

  “I was just hoping—” My voice stalls out because I don’t even know what I’m hoping for anymore.

  “Hoping for what?”

  “Honestly, I don’t even know.”

  He kisses me. “Maybe by the time I get back, you’ll know what you want.”

  “Make sure you say goodbye before you leave.”

  “I’ll come over and kiss you like you’ve never been kissed before.”

  I smile, biting down on my lower lip.

  “There’s my girl,” he remarks, running his thumb over my lip.

  “I should probably get back to work. I haven’t even turned my computer on yet.”

  “Bet
ter get to it then,” he remarks, smacking my ass lightly.

  My chest feels lighter as I close his door behind me and walk back to my office. Beatrice looks over her shoulder; she’s probably dying to know what happened between Cole and me this weekend, but gossip time will have to wait until Cole leaves. He’d kill me if he knew how much Beatrice knows about our personal life.

  I bypass the wall of windows and settle into my chair to read through a slew of new emails. When I first started working here, I despised them, but now I recognize them as a way to make the day speed by.

  Morning turns to afternoon with only a few phone calls and a couple interruptions from Beatrice. Just before one o’clock, I stand from my desk to see if Cole wants to grab lunch before he has to take off. I clear a stack of files from my desk and place them neatly in the corner as I hear the door open.

  “Do you want to get something to eat?” I ask as I sign out of my email.

  The door shuts. “I’d love to.”

  My eyes shoot across the room like darts. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

  He turns the lock.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask again as he walks toward me.

  “I wanted to say goodbye,” he finally responds, hands tucked in his pockets.

  I brace myself against the edge of my desk. “I thought we already did.”

  He shakes his head, coming toward me slowly like a cat on the prowl. “Not the way I would’ve liked.”

  “River.”

  “Marley.”

  His pace doesn’t slow as I back myself against the window. “My husband is in his office right down the hall.”

  “And I just locked the door.”

  My palms splay against the glass as his chest brushes mine. His familiar scent intoxicates me. Every single memory of what he did to my body this past weekend flashes in my mind. I hate the warmth I feel between my legs just thinking about him. I hate the rate at which my heart suddenly beats. He reaches up, resting his forearms against the glass, effectively caging me in; his lips and eyes are mere inches from mine.