The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond

by Lee Harrington

  The truly exciting thing about all of this is that we can choose to become energetically fluid-bonded if we want. Just as we can choose to share our bodies on every level with another individual, we can actively choose to open ourselves energetically to another spirit. We have the choice on how much or how little we want to share. Between two (or more) individuals who bond in these ways, impregnation can be a choice, and we can help birth each others deepest desires and innermost truths. Working with ourselves as our own lovers, we are erotically empowered to birth our own world.

  What is your FEE?

  When we constantly give in our lives, it is very easy to become burnt out or resentful of the work we do, no matter how much we enjoy it. This also applies to work along the Path of the Flesh as well. We must consider our FEE to be able to maintain our work and ability to enjoy our sex lives.

  Fair Energetic Exchange (or FEE) was introduced to me by shaman and educator Del Tashlin as a way to examine what each of us as magic workers get in return for what we do for our clients and communities. Everyone’s FEE is different based on what the shaman, spirit worker, sacred whore, service Top, lover, friend, teacher, mentor, play partner, or magician finds to be fair compensation for what they are giving. Examples include:

  A feeling of a job well done

  Money

  Referrals for future projects, jobs, or scenes

  You do me and I’ll do you

  Ego boosting

  Name credit for what work they did

  Opportunity to record the working

  Travel and accommodation

  Having good stories to tell around the campfire (or chatroom)

  Acquiring boons or IOUs

  Being owed debts by Deities or Spirits

  Barter for physical objects (costumes, props, toys)

  Good sex

  Maintaining balance or connection in a relationship

  Oftentimes, FEE is not discussed in a blunt manner with non-professionals. It is expected that all partners will know to say what their needs are during negotiation. But oftentimes this is not the case. I keep meeting individuals in both the kink community and the pagan community who put on amazing rituals or do hot scenes for people they are not close with. At first they do it out of the generosity of their spirit, but get frustrated over time when people expect them to keep doing that work for no compensation of any sort.

  I feel this is especially important to discuss along the Path of the Flesh. When we intertwine our physical enjoyment of life, sensuality and sex with what we are offering others we might not want to engage in those acts of life sensuality and sex anymore if we have become bitter about them through association. You need to get your needs met too. Even if you are choosing to “self-sacrifice,” make sure you or something you care about is getting something out of the deal and you are not just throwing yourself away for no reason.

  By establishing your FEE in advance (in verbal negotiation or at least within your own head), it is easier to know when your obligation to that partner, client, friend or lover ends. If you agreed to be there with them for a really hot scene and a bit of aftercare afterwards in exchange for having activities you like incorporated into the scene, then it becomes much clearer that when they try for continual aftercare for three days and pester for additional play, that it is not part of a fair energetic exchange. It becomes easier to say no, or explicitly state what is needed to have it feel fair. Sometimes the people we connect with forget that we have to spend time and energy the arrangement as well, and we have the right to say no. Having a clear image of our agreement makes that simpler for everyone.

  What if we are sacred whores or dedicated Dominants sworn to doing sex magic work? Just because it was sacred for the whore, doesn’t mean it was sacred for the John. In addition, clients of temple priestesses and kink shamans may not understand how much work the job really is. If you are where someone worships, a temple open for them to visit, know that temples have donation boxes and grounds keepers for a reason. A temple cannot take care of itself just by existing.

  Only through the donations of those who visit that temples able to be kept running. Just like a temple or place of worship, sex magic workers have both a physical body and an energetic body to maintain. What do you need to be able to run, not just on fumes, but with excellence?

  In any magical working, everyone involved deserves to have their needs met. If you want to engage with a specific individual for your path work because of their skill sets, find out what will make the rite a possibility for them. This is the case whether desiring to challenge the shadow self through hook pulls, healing sexual trauma through sensual exploration, or using sex to loosen up the spirit then anchor a new pattern in place using orgasm. Bitter ritualists can lead to tainted and often ineffective rituals.

  If they ask for something you cannot give, think creatively. Do you need to see that specific individual, or can you re-structure what you are looking for to have someone else do the work? Can they recommend you to anyone else? Would some other time be better? Can you hire them to teach you or your partner the skill-set instead of you having to see them each time to do the work? Is there something else you can offer them they might not have considered? The fantastic thing about working with professionals (magical or otherwise) is that the FEEs involved are very clear. They will do the work, you will compensate them. This means that there is a much lower chance of either party over-investing in each other or ETDs following people home, and a very good chance of everyone doing high quality work because of their desire (as clients) to get their payment’s worth and (as workers) to keep up our standard of excellence and good name.

  Whether you are a professional or not, FEEs are important to consider. This work is, in fact, work, and deserves to be respected. Everyone involved has to have their needs and desires respected lest they get angry and frustrated. Feeling resentful will carry in any magic that you do, and can be felt energetically in the erotic encounters you have. It is a tumor that can grow, and only through taking an honest look at your own needs and wants can you purge that tumor from your system before it spreads and consumes you.

  Eight Components of Great Sex

  In 2009, when the Canadian Journal of Human Sexuality published the findings of Peggy Kleinplatz and her team, sexologists and psychologists got a reminder of what most sexual adventurers have been saying for ages. Great sex isn’t about how big, strong or tight you are. It’s also not about learning technique, as lovely as that can be for those already having great sex.

  A Sex therapist and University of Ottawa psychologist, Kleinplatz and her team interviewed three different populations that reported that they had “great sex.” The groups were couples over the age of 60 that had been in partnership for over 25 years, individuals from sexual minority groups (gay men, bisexual women, and others), and professional sex therapists.

  Polling the results of these groups, they found that eight major components appeared over and over again in the interviews. All three populations agreed that great sex involved:

  Being present

  Connection

  Deep sexual and erotic intimacy

  Extraordinary communication

  Interpersonal risk taking and exploration

  Authenticity

  Vulnerability

  Transcendence

  This is the nature of Sacred Kink, especially work along the Path of the Flesh. Sometimes in striving to have a hot time, or in longing for magical experiences in our lives, we forget to live in the here and now. Being present and aware in our bodies provides an opportunity for great sex as well as for connection to truly be created between individuals. Deep sexual and erotic intimacy involves opening up our spirit to one another, baring more than just our skin to one another. Extraordinary communication means we are able to share needs, wants and desires. We are able to not just talk or share, but listen and embrace. Instead of projecting our expectations of what our partners should be, we see them for who they truly are.
This leads to being able to find out who we are, not held down and pressured by what our partners think we are and feeling we need to live up to their expectations.

  By becoming naked and exposed, we open up the vulnerable underbelly of our being to another and learn to trust. In trust, we dive deeper into Authenticity. Through diving deep we are able to look upon the truth of the world and echo back that our sex is a mirror for all of reality, a tool for seeing the potential and magic of the whole cosmos.

  Within the study, “being present, focused and embodied” was cited most often, as were comments of being “totally absorbed in the moment,” and “the sense of being utterly alive.” The majority of both male and female participants stated that orgasm was neither necessary nor sufficient for great sex. Though the study also listed intense physical sensation, orgasm, lust, desire, chemistry and attraction as reasons that some participants listed for optimal sexual experience, this was a minority.

  Academic studies such as these give me hope for the future of understanding sex, connection and passion in our society. The truths that erotic adventurers have been speaking of are finally coming to light in formal papers and presentations. As we change the cultural perceptions of what sex and physical experience is or can be, we can create more opportunities for individuals to experience altered states through this work. Moments of faith, magic, connection and truth found between the sheets (or in the dungeon, or on the washing machine, or in the kitchen, or…) will become more common, and we can change the world.

  Birthing Dreams Between Growls

  He growls and I growl back. My feral lust echoes back to him with every painful strike and I can feel myself opening up, not to him, but to myself. I feel him buck against me, pull my wounded body against him, as he erupts inside me.

  Collapsing into a heap at his feet, he smiles down at me, his gray beard framing a deliciously sadistic grin. I start to find myself again, and bring myself yet again into focus as I finger the lines painted across my torso, thighs and breasts. Each hair is standing on end. I can’t help but delight in this. I keep turning over new pieces of myself.

  With each moan I become more authentic, more truthful. He kneels down and begins kissing around each red stripe, blowing air along each maroon scream. I trance out into this gift, this sensation. In the darkness with my eyes closed it all becomes clear.

  Looking within I can see all of the reasons I am the way I am and I love myself for it. This is not a test, this is love, and I love myself in this, I love the world in this, I am the world in this. And like the Divine, I can create the world in this. In becoming ultimate desire, ultimate love, I open up and give birth to my dreams.

  Chapter 6

  The Path of Ritual

  Into the Rituals of Life

  When Mistress and I first met, I was attracted to her but had no idea of the depth she held. When I first approached her, she held out a hand, commanding me to stop. I stared wide-eyed, obeying without thinking. Without a word she looked me up and down and bid me to crawl to her. Crawling those six feet, slow and carefully, my eyes locked with hers—I will always remember them.

  Before coming over to her house to serve in her household, she sent me the protocols we would be following, her household rules. She explained I had choices, and always had the right to say no. That I had the right to walk away. I couldn’t imagine walking away from her service, I found it comforting nonetheless to know that she cares.

  At her house I always do the same rituals, the same rites. I walk inside and in the mudroom I strip out of my clothes and lock them away. I put on her collar, and in locking it on myself I consent fully to all I am for her. Butler. Beast. House boy. Each time I lock it on I have a choice. I can choose to walk away. I never have.

  I crawl inside on hand and knee, waiting for her in the kitchen on a dog bed she keeps for me. I wait until she calls for me. I wait until she says otherwise. And when I am gifted with being at her side I am attentive, prompt, aware of each detail of her desires. Each drink filled, I drink deep my longing for her. Each floor I clean, I know she will walk in this world aided by my gifts to her. Each time she chooses to amuse herself by seeing me squirm and beg, I am blessed by her smirk, her smile, her grace and her joy.

  But life does not afford me the right to be at her boot at all times. I work my day job, hundreds of miles away. I long for the time, after I retire, that she may call for me to be her Butler, her Beast, her House Boy full time. But until then, I follow her rituals and rites. I let each repeated motion bring me another level of connection to her. In her collar I look into the mirror, and feel blessed to know myself so deeply and truly blissful.

  The Path of Ritual

  The Path of Ritual is kneeling in prayer each Sunday, polishing boots each morning until they shine, dressing for the office or play space. By using repetition of visual, auditory, olfactory or kinesthetic cues and activities, we create enforced neural pathways in our mind. We do the same thing over and over again, with similar intent each time, creating similar results each time. Some rituals are explained to us or are created to have a very specific meaning from the beginning, and each time we do them, we are reminded of that meaning. Others build power through being done or presented the same way each time, and are missed if they are gone, even if they had no planned reason behind them.

  Animals love patterns because it engages the primal mind in an elegant way. Geese fly north in the spring, south in the fall. Dogs shed their fur at the same time each year. Humans are animals as well, and as patterns of all sorts appeal to our mammalian and reptilian brains. Though we can learn to change some of our behaviors, most humans thrive on some sort of systems, rules, rituals, and protocols. Each of these are all consciously constructed patterns.

  Ritual is often employed for purposes of grounding and centering one’s self, to set one’s focus and intentions, and to instill a conception of the significance and depth of psychonautic practice. Repeated use of ritual may also train the brain to associate certain activities and states of consciousness with specific situations, creating deeper experiences and allowing one to more easily enter altered states of consciousness. Telling the same story over and over again can help the mind remember not only the tale, but the cultural lessons that go with it. Symbolic representations become part of our wiring, and in turn, the morals and ethical codes of our communities.

  Rituals serve a lot of amazing roles for the individual. They can allow you to open the window for magic to come through instead of being closed down. Change can happen day by day in small steps by doing an act over and over again. Each time a ritual is done, there is a choice whether you truly want to recommit to everything that ritual stands for, instead of just doing it “out of habit.” You can even use humor, laughter, joy, hedonism, bliss, decadence and love to create truly excellent bonding rituals, systems of group cohesion, and mnemonics for memorizing information.

  Many individuals use rituals to mark something as important. Others use it to enact change, or to set a new part of life apart from the old. They can be used to maintain the status quo and enforce a current mindset, or be used as a call to action. Through being done the same way over and over again, they can create focus, or be used as a portal through which to examine higher meaning.

  Rituals can include:

  Ceremonies for worship or organization

  Specific charged acts or objects

  Detailed methods or procedures done the same every time

  Established routines or states of being

  Anything that has been done the same the way for an extended period of time

  However, the most powerful rituals are useful personal or cultural constructs that actually mean something to the individuals or groups doing them. When examining your own rituals, look at not just the what, but the why. In doing so, we have the opportunity to become enlightened through the observation of the natural and experienced world. It is okay to do a rite just because everyone else is; this creates cohesion betwe
en peers. But it is likely that a more profound experience of that ritual will occur if you examine why it is part of your life.

  Ritual work also combines powerfully with other paths of Sacred Kink. An ordeal can be incredible on its own, but ritualized ordeals, handed down from generation to generation, acquire layers and flavors in both meaning and potency. Rhythm and music can imbue a scene with amazing energy, but ritualized chanting can take us into another place altogether.

  Traditional Tools

  As mystic, educator and queer activist Storm Faerywolf says, “Life is a ceremony.” Any mindful repeated activity, even if only done the same way twice (or designed with the intent of being done the same or with similar energy each time, even if there has not been a chance to repeat it yet), can be a ritual. Rituals are often done the exact same way each time, but if the intent and purpose repeats, that can be enough for some of the less linear-minded among us. Some are created independently, but many come passed down through groups and traditions. These rituals and traditions all use a variety of traditional tools such as those outlined here.

  Chants

  Whether raised from a young age with “Our Father” falling off your lips, or clearing your mind and letting Om ride across your being, chants are an incredibly iconic and powerful tool in ritual. Some have a very complex and rich cultural history, echoing in temples for hundreds or even thousands of years. Others may be more personal or individually meaningful, like “I think I can, I think I can.” Repetitive prayer has the ability to create a kinetic memory in the soul, etching a meaning into our unconscious mind through the vibration of the chant and the energy behind it