The Eightfold Paths of BDSM and Beyond

by Lee Harrington

  But there is a lot of ground to be covered in that definition. And a lot of types of orgasms! There are ejaculatory and non-ejaculatory orgasms, quiet and loud, focused and general. There are climaxes that build one on top of another without being spent. There are cosmic orgasms where the spirit connects to the entirety of the universe, and there are orgasms just to get the job done.

  People cum through penile and scrotal attention, anal touch and penetration, vaginal stimulation, and labial pulling or pinching. Some climax through clitoral licking or vibration, some through g-spot or prostate stimulation, some through having their nipples nibbled on or their ass spanked. I have met people who orgasm through having latex clothing peeled off of them, being wrestled to the ground, growling at their partner, or hanging heavy weights off of their genitals. There are individuals who have been trained or trained themselves to cum, or not cum, on command. The variety is fascinating.

  So, what type of climax carries the messages? What kind is supposed to have you lose energy? Does a female-bodied individual spilling their seed have the same effect as a male-bodied individual? And what about all those transgendered, transsexual, androgynous and intersexed individuals who fall outside the binary body system?

  I think one clue lies in the root word for climax: “klimax.” Meaning ladder in Greek, this body/spirit experience creates an opportunity to climb higher in our sexual experience as well as our spiritual experience. There is no definition of how high the ladder can climb, or whether or not you can build your ladder higher with practice and patience. In some forms of orgasm, and orgasmic magic, we climb up a few feet, send off our transmission, and climb back down to earth. In other work, we climb one rung, meditate, and climb another… coming back down from time to time for additional supplies. Neither is “right.” Both are just options along with many others on the path.

  There are also options in orgasmic magic to transform the shape and appearance of the orgasm itself. This requires actually learning to experience your orgasm first. Very few of us fully experience anything in our lives. We assume what an experience will be, and fill in the story in our head to match what our perception was, rather than bearing witness and noting what is actually happening. Before we can change and apply our will to the world, we must understand the world for what it truly is. We must replace the perception of our orgasm with actually experiencing our orgasm.

  An exercise I found helpful for this was to prepare myself for one of my favorite types of masturbation. I lay out all the tools, and begin working on my body. Any time I try to “jump ahead” and start remembering or thinking about what cumming will feel like, I stop just long enough to come back to now. I go again. Hands and toes curl, and I breathe in, and as I breathe out step just slightly out of my body. Watching and experiencing at the same time, I feel myself move and grind, push and pull and yearn. As I build up, I notice where I am really touching myself. Not where I say I touch myself when writing bad porn in my own mind. Where am I really touching myself? How fast am I really going? Why am I doing that thing with my left hand?

  If you are unable to both experience and watch at the same time, consider employing the assistance of a video camera, or a lover who you don’t feel self-conscious masturbating in front of. Allow for their objectivity. They are not there to interact, only to bear witness. What did the camera (or your lover) see when you look on playback? Were you aware you did that thing? What was happening inside your body and your spirit when your pelvis was doing that?

  By becoming aware of what we are really doing, thinking, feeling and experiencing during orgasm, we have the power to change it. If clutching your breast pushed the orgasm wider, what would happen if you began doing that at the beginning? What if you charged your hand with energy in advance, and then clutched your breast, and felt the energy surge through that region. If it felt like you cum out of the top of your head, what would happen if you put your hand on top of your head and closed the circuit? Also consider, instead of changing body experience, bear witness to what you are daydreaming about, or feeling emotionally, or experiencing in your spirit, then try changing it in the same way that you changed how you played with your breast. The possibilities are limited only by your own creativity and willingness to experiment.

  Divine Consort

  Though we ourselves are divine, some individuals choose to use our body experiences, including masturbation, sex, and sexual energy, to connect with other aspects of the divine. This may involve connecting to the flame at the heart of the universe, beating in union with our souls and loins. Others have opened up to find a specific spirit, deity or being who has been hoping to court us as a one-time liaison or as a partner along our life’s journey. Some seek out specific Gods and Goddesses, spirits or Loa as romantic and sexual partners. Or we may find a reflection of ourselves longing to embrace our own hedonistic worship and desire.

  There is a hunger within many of us to deeply connect with the divine. The idea of having sexual or intimate relations with a non-corporeal being may baffle or even be offensive to some, but for others it is an organic and natural longing. If God loves us, why can we not love God in return in all the ways love and desire manifest?

  Just as every corporeal/embodied being has a personality and drives, the same applies for non-corporeal/disembodied spirits. Some would break the world down into “good spirits” and “bad spirits,” but the world is not so black and white. Every spirit a person may encounter has its own reason for wanting to interact on a sensual or sexual level. Some humans may be interested in sex for a night of fun, sex as a way to emotionally manipulate, or sex as a tool to connect for a positive long-term relationship. Spirits are the same way.

  If in your astral explorations or in opening up your being in the thralls of desire, be careful who and what you choose to connect with. Your divine or dream lover may just be there to suck up your energy, have a night of hot nookie, then leave. They may manifest in a shape that appeals to you on a surface level, but may have ulterior motives. Mind you, the same can be said of mortal lovers.

  You may also be the one to go courting. I have met many individuals over the years who have specifically sought out romantic or sexual interactions with the Gods and Goddesses they work with in their faith practices. After leaving offerings on their patron’s altar and offering up prayers of longing, they go journeying or leave the key to the door of their psyche under the mat as it were for their beloved. Amongst those who go courting divinity (or specific spirits, or faeries, or those who have passed beyond this life), a small portion eventually end up in long-term relationships. It may seem strange to outsiders to consider what it might be like to be married to the Norse God Loki or owned by the Totemic Spirit Bear, but for these individuals it is the only way they can imagine living.

  Does that mean that these people don’t have sex with human lovers anymore? For some, monogamy is indeed the case. I have also met those who have sex with humans who are possessed by their patron/lover (see the Path of the Horse for more information). I have seen polyamorous relationships where the God in question is one of the partners in the dynamic, and have seen two God-spouses build a life together in their devotion to both of their beloveds. Some even come up with other creative solutions: having sex dedicated to their patron with their mortal spouse (be nice and mention it to your spouse first), attending events where they connect with their patron but keeping that aspect of their desire out of the house, or maintaining monogamy with their patron on the astral plane but not on the earthly plane.

  But remember that personality thing? Some Gods are loving, sharing Gods. Others are vengeful, possessive Gods. Some spirits want to help out, and others want to take your soul and twist it for their own plans. That may be melodramatic, but it is something to keep in mind. Also consider that negotiation and communication is important in any sort of relationship, no matter what it is with. Finding ways to express your needs and what the other party is looking for can help determine whether the relationship
will be a good fit.

  If all of this sounds a bit too “woo woo” for you, consider looking at the idea of our astral realms being reflections of our inner consciousness. By seeking out a divine lover, we can also look at this as awakening our own inner lover. We can find some core truth and kernel of beauty and desire within, and literally learn how to fall in love with an aspect of ourselves. This is also a form of finding and embracing our divine consort. Just make sure to check in with yourself; are you engaging in divine consort work as a longing to connect with something, or as a way to create an artificial boundary between you and other potential partners? If the second is at play, make sure to weigh out how healthy that option is for you.

  Energetically Transmitted Diseases

  Ever started dating someone and after just a few hot weeks together your friends point out that you have taken on your new partner’s temper? Just being with them for a short period of time, and you already can’t tolerate being apart without constantly worrying about them? Has their good or bad luck poured out onto you?

  In new sexual relationships we often talk about sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), but rarely discuss the flip side of the coin, energetically transmitted diseases (ETDs). We make sure to talk about whether we want children or not, our sexual history, wear condoms and play with dental dams and gloves; but how often do we talk about how deeply we want to connect, our emotional and energetic history, and make sure that our partner doesn’t leave carrying our emotional gunk?

  What sort of ETDs are out there? Some that I have encountered from people diving quick and into each other’s’ energy without any shielding include:

  Unintended emotional depth/connection

  Taking on phobias or desires

  Establishment of soul cords

  Being sucked into a spell

  Physical or emotional illness

  Being called upon by the partner’s patron Deity

  Trading traits with a partner

  Ability to dreamwalk through each other’s dreams

  Tapping into bloodline curses

  Extreme codependency

  Soul cords are tethers and lines that run from one person’s energetic body to another. When weddings or handfastings do ceremonies that talk of “tying lives to one another,” sometimes using actual cords as props, they are literally binding one life to another. This is great stuff, unless you weren’t ready for that. It is through these soul cords that a person’s energy can freely come and go from ours, and how we are most easily able to dreamwalk from our dreamscapes to those of another. And, when those cords get pulled tight until it feels they might break, it creates that feeling of codependency or angst. Soul cords can be long or short, thick and rooted or thin and barely attached. They may be from this lifetime, or from another. And don’t be fooled, deep anger and pain creates attachment just as easily as love and desire.

  “The opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference.

  The opposite of art is not ugliness, it’s indifference. The opposite of faith is not heresy, it’s indifference. And the opposite of life is not death, it’s indifference.”

  - Elie Wiesel, Nobel Peace Prize recipient and Holocaust survivor

  Some of the things on that list might seem desirable: taking on someone’s calm and compassion, for example. That’s good, right? ETDs are neither good or bad, they simply are. Some people will feel special and included in taking on a lover’s troubles or being able to personally understand what it is like to have migraines just like they do. Others will find the idea horrific. Either way, ETDs, like STDs, are avoidable.

  Just as there is Safer Sex, there are options for Safer Magical Sex. This comes in the form of energetic shielding. Just like in Safer Sex, we have choices of the level of shielding we want to employ. Are we going to slip on the full-body biohazard suit, or are we going to wear a condom? Will we use dental dams with every lover, or only people that we haven’t “tested” yet?

  For those of us used to doing magical working, think of condoms as a circle, and thus the perfect conduit for creating permeable shields for energy in sex. Condoms let through sensations but keep body fluids distinct. This visualization is useful for me. I will bless condoms in advance and have my spell for energetic protection woven into them. Let me feel my partner but not go home with their baggage.

  Consider having the partner who will be being penetrated roll the condom on for you as a way of saying that they embrace all of you, latex included. Once the physical and energetic filter is in place, also experiment with shifting the body of the person wearing the condom. Morphing your astral body out and around the condom is a great way to feel more… just make sure to shapeshift back before removing the rubber.

  Not a fan of standard condoms, but enjoy penetrative penile sex? Check out “female condoms.” Instead of being worn by the penetrating partner, they are inserted inside the body part to be penetrated (lube encouraged) and can even be placed in advance for spontaneous play. I have found no better tool for doing Cakes of Light that don’t endanger the health of the individuals involved if they are not fluid bonded. Traditionally, Cakes of Light are made using the mixed fluids from a male lover ejaculating inside a female lover, and then the mixed fluids are put into the batter for these powerful sex magic items. Sometimes they are made additionally potent (and taboo) by some sexual magicians through doing this working while the woman is on her menses. Instead of having the fluids mix inside the female lover, consider instead using female condoms, and then each lover take the fluid that was created and mix them into the batter after ejaculation has occurred. The same idea can be used for other body fluid magic without risking STD issues or pregnancy.

  Another great tool for safer magical sex is latex or nitrile gloves. By taking the time to lube up the gloves, both partners can watch hand pass over hand and back and forth, and during this they set the tone for the magical work they will be doing. This includes creating the shields they will need, a mesh of sorts that will keep each person’s drama and baggage on their own side, but allow the energy necessary for the working to move freely. Gloves can also be energetically morphed into paws, claws, phalluses, or other shapes for those wanting to engage in such things.

  Other tools I have used for safer magical sex include dental dams and cling wrap for energetic shields and sigil work, lube charged with a specific intent in advance, fetish wear or lingerie as a form of barrier, and more. If you think creatively, you will likely come up with your own. If you are fluid-bonded, consider working protection magic into the space that you play in instead. Especially if you will be exploring new areas of each other’s psyche in a session, putting the intent of love and safety into the space can be incredibly helpful.

  Though ETDs are possible to transmit in any connection between individuals, it has been my experience that they are more common when more intimate experiences are shared between people. What is intimate for each person varies. This is why for one person, sex is something with every person they are attracted to, and for another it is something they only reserve for those they have a deep and lasting connection with. Thus, the kink community may be more prone to ETDs than other groups. The likelihood of near-strangers engaging in activities which touch on the shadow of the soul, or open up emotionally or sexually to them, seems almost expected in parts of the Scene. It is important for our community to learn how to shield itself energetically.

  “[T]he feeling of connection that occurs in energy work can feel similar to the kind of intimacy that occurs over time between people in love, or between good friends. Unfortunately, just as casual sex can be mistaken for love, so can energy work be mistaken for intimacy.”

  - Taylor Elwood and Lupa, Kink Magic: Sex Magic Beyond Vanilla

  ETDs are not the only concern with energy going back and forth. It is also possible to get energetically impregnated. Having someone else place their hopes and dreams inside you and work with you to have them come to fruition happens more than many of us would like to
admit. Sometimes we do this together in partnership because the “won’t it be so wonderful when” game is intoxicating. When our energetic or astral children are born, they are the hopes and dreams that have been placed inside us starting into the actualities of manifesting our desires. Some periods of incubation take longer than others before we find ourselves carrying around something that someone else wants.

  Consider impregnating yourself if you are susceptible to this sort of thing. If you are always giving birth to what others long for, how can you go about making your own dreams manifest? And are you emotionally and spiritually prepared for the health issues associated with an astral birth or for that matter, an astral miscarriage?

  When carrying the unborn dreams or longings of the world, it can feel like we are indeed heavy with child. Nervousness of what will happen when the dream comes into reality, nausea over what the next step will be, wild hormonal and emotional fluctuations and more can occur. Also keep in mind that noncorporeal spirits use human partners to pass on both ETDs and their progeny. Though the reporting of immaculate conceptions are rare nowadays, instead of being understood physically, think of the energetic and astral seeds planted by our God-spouses and divine lovers. What might they place inside of us that may be growing inside our being?

  Just like biological birth control, energetic contraception exists. Consider making yourself fertile only on your terms, or weigh out whether you would be willing to terminate the birth of the concepts placed within you by force. Do not be confused by gender; the challenges and opportunities presented by astral impregnation exist for men and women alike.