Conflicted: Book Two of the State Series

by M. J. Kaestli

  “You have done all this work to get better, to get past this. I am sure what she said has set you back quite a bit. You have seen the evidence; you know the State has no reason to lie to you. It might have been easier for them to tell you they took him against his will and given you some noble reason if they wanted to lie. I know Victor cares for you deeply. He almost lied—he tried to keep part of the truth from you to protect you,” Lewis said. “This is just the beginning, Freya. The rebellion is going to tell you so many lies. It takes work, and it is not easy, but you have to stay strong and keep a clear mind. That is why you had to study all that history. You have to remember what you are fighting for.”

  Freya was still racking with sobs. Everything Lewis said made sense, but she just didn’t have enough control over her emotions yet.

  He reached out for her and pulled her close. He rubbed her back like he always did when he was comforting her, but he also occasionally whispered something soothing in her ear. He would say he was proud of her, she did well, she was strong. He did all these things, but he also just let her cry. He was so gentle with her, so good to her whenever she was upset; part of her wished he had been there all along. She wondered whether all people in the military were like this, whether it was part of their personality profile or part of their training.

  As she began to regain control of herself, she looked up at Lewis. Part of her wanted to ask him about his composure, but part of her didn’t know what to say. She wanted to express her gratitude for his encouragement and support, for keeping her sane, continuously—he had been such a good friend and protector. She kept looking at him, struggling for words.

  He looked back at her, and then touched her face; his fingers ran up and down her cheek, then moved to her jaw, and then her lips. She closed her eyes—his touch felt so amazing—before she realized what was happening, he kissed her. He kissed her once softly, only dwelling for a moment, and then pulled back. Without even having a conscious thought, Freya leaned in and kissed him again. His hold on her tightened as he deepened the kiss between them.

  This was no show for the cameras, something to validate their cover. Lewis was no longer trying to comfort her. He had said there was no expectation, but a romance could blossom between them. He had always been so distant in a way, and now she could see he had been holding back. He wanted her; she knew this now. A distant voice in her mind told her to stop, told her she wasn’t ready for this—but the truth was, she couldn’t stop. Her hands started to explore his chiseled body, and his hands began to do the same to her.

  Freya knew this wasn’t love—she knew it—but she didn’t know whether she believed there was such a thing as love anymore.

  Chapter 12

  When the alarm went off in the morning, they got up and followed their routine as if everything was normal. They took turns showering, got dressed, had a breakfast bar—but things were not normal, at least not their version of normal. He walked her to the elevator and kissed her good-bye. The kiss was the same as he had done before: it was just enough to put on a show of being a normal couple, which they weren’t—yet they both carried with them the afterglow from the previous evening. They may not be a normal couple, but they definitely appeared to be.

  She went on with her day in the greenhouse; the only difference was that she specifically avoided any contact with Ursa. The mission be damned—she just couldn’t do it, she couldn’t fulfill her role. If Freya had to walk past her, she would pick a different route to avoid being near her.

  Her thoughts kept drifting to what had happened last night. She felt as if this was something that should make her mind race, yet it didn’t. There should be some big emotional breakdown or even a feeling of elation, but there wasn’t. It was almost weird she felt so calm about the situation. Whatever was happening between her and Lewis was nothing like when she was coupled with Colin, and maybe that was a good thing. There were so many highs and lows with Colin. So much passion, but also so much rage and heartbreak. It was ironic in a way: she felt more emotionally stable while having a love affair in a fake life with a trained killer than she did at times in her State appointed coupling.

  Freya did her best to keep her mind focused on work, not that work needed a lot of focus. If she kept thinking about Lewis, the day would feel longer, and she didn’t want to think about Ursa—that would just make her angry and the day feel the longest. So she ran through facts about plants in her mind, testing herself to see whether she was as sharp as she had been in school. Because she was trying to avoid Ursa, she did notice that people there were starting to warm up to her a bit. The novelty of her alleged fall from grace had started to blow over. People hadn’t started talking to her yet, but there was less gawking, more polite nods and smiles.

  She was glad she wasn’t expected to make friends with all the greenhouse workers—that would be just a little beyond her abilities or comprehension. All she had to do was establish a cover and make it believable. The day had finally come to an end; she had a feeling of restlessness and couldn’t wait to go exercise. Upon her return, she headed straight into the bedroom and got changed and waited for Lewis, who was always just a few minutes behind her. He came into the bedroom and closed the door.

  “Hi, how was your day today?” He began to undress.

  “Okay. I wasn’t ready to talk to Ursa, or even look at her, sorry,” she said.

  “No, that is a natural reaction. You need to act natural to be believable. If you had gone to her, it would have looked odd. Do what feels right, Freya.”

  She rolled her eyes. “If I were acting natural, I wouldn’t be here,” she muttered back.

  He slipped into his exercise clothing and sat down on the bed beside her.

  “But you are here, and you are doing well. Stop being so hard on yourself.” He leaned in and gave her a small kiss. “I’ve been kind of worried about you today. Are you all right with everything?” He gently pushed a loose hair out of her eyes, and slid his hand down to caress her cheek. “I kind of feel like I took advantage of you when you were upset.”

  “No, I think that stuff is fine. I knew from the start it could happen.”

  He sighed. “I know you had only been with Colin, and it has taken a lot for you to move on. I guess I am used to this lifestyle, but I know you aren’t, and I worry about that. I can’t make you any promises that I will be with you forever. I do care about you, but settling down with someone for the rest of my life isn’t the life that I chose, or even a reality for me. I know Victor said we might stay together, but I can’t promise you that.”

  She thought for a moment. She really hadn’t thought about the future; she was just trying to make it one day at a time.

  “Well, at least it’s honest,” was all that she could think to say.

  He smiled and nodded at her response. “Guess that would be a positive change for you.”

  “So are you worried you will break my heart or something?”

  “Yeah, that is exactly what I am afraid of. You have been through enough.”

  “I don’t think you will break my heart. I care for you also. You have been a good friend to me and I enjoy your company, but I don’t love you. This is something different. I don’t know exactly what it is, but I like it. I don’t think I could ever really love anyone again anyway. It’s almost like that part of me no longer works.” She shrugged.

  Lewis leaned in and kissed her again, but this time it was more than a polite greeting. “I have enjoyed our time together too. I mean, even before last night. Maybe someday there could be more between us.” He shrugged, and kissed her again. “I really don’t want to, but we do have to keep the mission in mind. We need to go exercise.” He pulled away.

  “You worried the State will come after us if we don’t keep up on the regulated fitness requirements?” She was feeling too depleted to do much of anything, especially if she had to see Ursa.

  He laughed and shook his head. “No, it’s not just about health—we are on a mission. And r
ight now, our target is exercising, and we have a show to put on. She needs to believe that we are settling into a life together.” He then got up and grabbed her hands.

  She groaned in protest, but let him pull her up and lead her off to the exercise facility without further protest. Ursa was on a bike; that was all she seemed to do. It was their running day which was her favourite, but it was even more delightful that she wouldn’t have to look at Ursa while she ran. They would have a long run to build endurance, with a few sprints. She enjoyed running next to Lewis, it was the only exercise where she could keep up with him, and possibly even beat him.

  When they started their strength training, it was the same but different. There was a lot more joking, flirting, touching unnecessarily. They were still doing the same workout, but things had changed between them. There was a natural chemistry between them—it had always been there—but now they were expressing it authentically. Perhaps this would just help their mission even more; they looked like a real couple now.

  ***

  In the mid-afternoon of the following day, the monitor in the greenhouse started to flash, and Cady gathered everyone around to watch the broadcast. It was so odd to see Victor’s face, to hear his voice again. Part of her thought she should feel a sense of longing or nostalgia, but she didn’t. The feeling of betrayal trumped all other possible emotions or sentiments. Her jaw clenched involuntarily at the mere sight of him. Even though she enjoyed her time with Lewis, and the mission was actually going well, Victor still took advantage of her and she couldn’t move past it.

  Freya looked around, and noticed Ursa watching her during the broadcast. Naturally, she looked away as soon as their eyes met. The broadcast was the typical drivel; nothing had changed, as per usual. He then gave an update on the spacecraft, explaining that the radio transmissions were still coming in as scheduled, letting everyone know it was safe and on course. The broadcast ended, and she looked over at Ursa—everyone did—because she had burst into tears. Cady was instantly by her side, an arm draped around her, guiding her off toward the bathroom. People didn’t seem to rush back to work. They all stood there and watched as Cady and Ursa walked away.

  “Poor thing,” one of the women said. “I can’t imagine having a child taken from you like that, and with just a crummy letter to say good-bye.” The women began to chatter, but Freya stopped listening. Not by choice—it was almost as though a white noise was ringing in her ears. She had completely forgotten about the letter. They said on the broadcast that the families had gotten a letter, but she never did. With the heartbroken performance Colin had given her before leaving, she thought he would have at least written her a letter. Was he that spineless? In person he pretended to fall apart, but when he was already free of me and with his real love, why would he bother? I guess he forgot about me?

  What if he had written a letter, and Victor had kept it from me? Maybe Victor thought he was protecting me when I was so fragile, but maybe, just maybe, he had planned all of this. Maybe he knew all along that Colin was leaving, and he let it happen, so he could have his little spy.

  Once the thought had appeared in her mind, she could not unthink it. She had never really questioned how it was exactly Victor could have been unaware of something that big happening to one of his staff. Lewis had said she had the personality profile compatible of being a spy. Did Victor agree to it, or even have a hand in it? Did he couple me to bring me to the State house, and agreed to send Colin away when he deemed I was loyal enough to become a Councilmember?

  This new level of possible betrayal hit her like a brick wall. There were two men in her life who she cared deeply for, and everything they told her was a lie. Before she could even grasp the magnitude of this possible theory, she broke down. She was completely out of control, and tried to turn and run for the elevator. Cady was just coming out of the bathroom and caught her.

  “Freya, what’s wrong?” She gripped her shoulders. Freya was beyond words. Cady pulled her in and hugged her while she sobbed. She tried to guide her to the bathroom, but Freya refused to move. There was no way she was going to go and cry with Ursa in there. Just then, with red, swollen eyes, Ursa returned. Everyone gathered around Ursa, who broke into tears again when she saw Freya. Cady had an arm around Freya, and looked back and forth between the two of them, trying to make sense of this seemingly contagious outbreak of emotion. Everyone started to gather around, also trying to put the pieces together.

  “Freya was coupled with my son,” Ursa said boldly to the group through her tears. “I am not the only person here who will get upset by the broadcasts anymore.”

  Cady’s jaw fell open. She grabbed for Freya again, and held her even more tightly.

  “How can they do that? How can they separate a couple like that?” one of the women said.

  “I didn’t know she didn’t go with him until she turned up here,” Ursa replied.

  “That happened to someone else I know—well, my partner knows,” said another one of the women. “I never met his partner, but she was a greenhouse worker, I think around Freya’s age. She went off on the ship and her partner was left behind. He had no idea until the broadcast.”

  Freya pulled away from Cady, and looked right at Ursa, as if she was the one to make the comment. “I know. Her name was Ida—she was in my class. She was right behind Colin in line.”

  Ursa then walked right past Freya and Cady. She got in the elevator and left without another word.

  “Freya, maybe you should take the rest of the day off, too,” Cady said.

  Freya nodded, and turned to wait for the elevator to come back, and left without saying good-bye. As the elevator doors were closing, she could hear everyone break into a heated discussion, grateful she would not have to hear it.

  She returned to her apartment, and was glad Lewis was not there. She needed to process this new information, needed to work it out without him present. She still wasn’t sure of anything, but she knew she could never tell Lewis that she thought Victor had set her up. It was all so clear; she felt like an idiot for not realizing it before. Of course he knew Colin was leaving—how could he not?

  Victor had sat by her bedside and coddled her back to health, completely sympathetic. Then when the attack happened on the dome, he jumped at the chance to get her into training with Lewis. A more horrible thought came over her. Was the attack a setup? How could they not have broken the glass? They struck it with a metal rod quite hard and created a loud reverberation throughout the area. What it they were given something to create the sound, but kept the glass undamaged?

  This new thought pushed her over the edge. She ran into the bathroom and lost her lunch. It was the first time in quite a while something had made her that upset. She curled up in bed and wept. I am a pawn in Victor’s game, nothing more. Maybe he even sent Colin off…no, that is too convenient for me. His affair with Ida was plain as day; it was just that part deep down that still loved him that wanted to believe that he was sent away against his will. Victor had just agreed to send him, so he could take advantage of the situation or emotional state it would leave her in. He hadn’t caused it, yet she still despised him for it.

  After she had a good cry, she drifted off to sleep and didn’t wake up until Lewis got home. She wasn’t ready to see him. She could pass all of this off about being upset about the broadcast, but that excuse might get old after a while. She couldn’t tell him what had really upset her though, so it was the only choice.

  “Hey, why are you home so early?” He placed a hand gently on her waist. She rolled over to look at him and he saw the red, swollen eyes.

  “Got sent home,” she replied.

  “Did the broadcast upset you?” he asked sympathetically.

  “Yeah, but it was more than that. I was alright after the broadcast, but Ursa wasn’t. She had to get taken away from the main area, and then I broke down after. I didn’t mean to, but then everyone found out about Colin, and Cady just sent me home.”

  Lewis curle
d up in bed behind her and wrapped his arm around her. “I know you don’t want to hear this, but you are doing so well.”

  “I can’t even keep it together to get through the day,” she retorted.

  “You can’t see it, but you are gaining her trust. You are gaining the trust of everyone around you. This is a very positive thing that has happened.” He gently rubbed her back.

  “Do we have to go exercise now?” she said, feeling deflated and exhausted.

  “No, you get the night off. It wouldn’t look right if you left work upset and I dragged you out to exercise.” He nestled in closer to her, gently stroking her hair and face.

  It was an incredible comfort to have him there with her, even though she could never tell him what truly upset her. Lewis, in a way, was the silver lining of this entire situation. She did really enjoy their relationship; he was a good man. After some time had passed, she rolled over to face him, and started to kiss him.