Conflicted: Book Two of the State Series

by M. J. Kaestli

  Lewis was so different from Colin. He would wait for her to instigate anything physical. He would wait for her to want him, and wait for an appropriate time. Whereas Colin would constantly pester her. He definitely reciprocated her kiss, but would not advance anything until she wanted him to. It was as if every time he was asking permission, or asking whether she was ready.

  It made sense—she was an emotional wreck most of the time. His careful, cautious nature was probably why she felt so comfortable with him. He was so gentle with her, both physically and emotionally. Their relationship didn’t have the same level of passion behind it; there was always the mission to consider. They might not be together forever, but it was the best thing she could have in her life right now. Their relationship was helping her to get through the mission. Amongst all her emotional break-downs he was there to comfort her, uplift her spirits, and to distract her from dwelling on any fears or negative thoughts for too long. He kept her from giving in to her feelings of inadequacy.

  ***

  When she arrived at the greenhouse the next morning, there were a lot of gawking stares amongst her fellow workers as she walked in. Freya hoped they would have gotten all of their gossip out of their system when she was sent home. No such luck. Every time she looked up, someone’s eyes were following her. When it was time to break for their afternoon meal, there was a painfully awkward silence amongst them.

  “Okay, I can’t stand it anymore,” one of the women burst out. “Freya, why did you leave the State house? It’s been killing me since I found out you came from there. Now that we all know what happened, I think I understand it even less.”

  Freya took a deep breath. The best lies mostly contained the truth.

  “I just couldn’t have my old life anymore,” she said. “I started my civil duty there when I was coupled with Colin, and it just reminded me too much of our life that was no more.”

  “Wow. I still can’t believe you walked away from there. Didn’t you have a lot of special privileges?” she pressed further.

  Freya thought of this for a moment. Of course she had special privileges, but she didn’t want to tell them that.

  “I don’t think that is really true. My work there was not much different than here,” she lied. “What was special about being there, what I miss, is the grounds. They are the most beautiful sights I have ever seen. It wasn’t a boxy greenhouse like most, but an open field off the house with a forested area. It’s funny, I never thought of greenhouses as being boxy until I was there—nothing but open space. You hardly even notice the dome above. I think it’s what living outside would be like.”

  “That does sound amazing. How many plants did you grow, and what kind?” She pressed on.

  “It actually wasn’t a vegetable garden, to be honest. It was more a green space used for producing oxygen,” she answered. “I simply monitored and maintained the grounds, made sure the ecosystem was healthy.”

  “Did you ever see him, the head of State? Did he show up at random?” she continued.

  “Uh, well, yeah. I saw him almost every day,” Freya said.

  “Was that terrifying? Is he mean?”

  “At first it was scary, but then you just get used to it, I guess. He’s not mean to the people in the house, no,” she answered, and lost her appetite even thinking about Victor. “I miss the other people who worked in the house. It was hard to leave them. They were like family, but I knew I couldn’t move on if I stayed there.”

  “So they re-coupled you and you left? Where did you live after he left?”

  Freya picked up on the fact she avoided saying Colin’s name, but didn’t know whether she did that for her benefit or for Ursa’s.

  “Well, there are small apartments within the house. You can live there if you don’t have a partner. It was a lot like my apartment when I went to school.” Freya wasn’t sure what kind of information was too much about the State house. She pondered it for a moment, and decided it couldn’t be that important, and if it was, it was their own fault for not telling her. If she wasn’t supposed to talk about the State house, then Lewis should have mentioned it.

  “So what is your new partner like? Are you glad you did it? Did you have a choice?”

  “Yes, I did. I could have stayed living and working there, but I chose to leave and get re-coupled. There is someone there who is a widow; she has lived there for a long time. At first, I didn’t want to get re-coupled, but then I just felt like I was stuck. I knew I needed to move on with my life, and I couldn’t move on in that house,” she said. “Lewis is very different. He’s about ten years older than me, but he is kind,” she added.

  It was time for everyone to get back to work, and Freya was relieved. She had made it through the conversation, but it was definitely out of her comfort zone.

  The rest of the day passed quickly. As much as the previous conversation had made her uncomfortable, Freya felt as though a weight had been lifted off her chest. People seemed more friendly toward her—she realized that in their eyes, she had been an enigma. They had been uncomfortable around her with all the rumours about her coming from the State house. Now that the story was out in the open, they were all a little more relaxed with her. Perhaps she just needed to break the ice with them, or they were responding to her emotional show the previous day. Maybe they felt as if they had to be nice to her, knowing what she had been through.

  Ursa was silent throughout the day, and no one tried to talk to her. It was as though they were somewhat used to her having an outburst, and knew she just needed some space. While Freya was talking at lunch, she was too afraid to look up at Ursa to see whether she was listening. She knew she needed to talk to her again, but didn’t know whether either one of them was in control of their emotions well enough to do that. She figured it would be best to give it a few more days before she approached her.

  After she finished, Lewis and Freya headed to work out. She saw Ursa on the bike as per usual, and they began to exercise. Once they started on strength training, she was surprised to see Ursa approach them.

  “Hello,” Ursa said simply.

  “Hi, uh, Ursa. This is my partner, Lewis. Lewis, this is Ursa. I work with her in the greenhouse,” she said, trying to keep the sense of panic she felt out of her voice.

  “Nice to meet you.” Lewis extended his hand, and he smiled at her warmly.

  “I hope you don’t mind my asking, but I would like to have my evening meal in the common room. Freya, will you join me?”

  Freya was stunned that Ursa had approached her this boldly, not just in front of Lewis but the cameras also.

  “I don’t mind if you would like to eat with one of your friends,” Lewis interjected. It was a good thing he could be charming when he needed to be; Freya completely lacked in charm. “I can just relax this evening,” he added.

  Freya didn’t want to go, but knew a blatant refusal would look bad, especially when Lewis had already given his consent to spend the evening without her.

  “Okay. I will go there when we finish up here.” She tried to look excited, or at least tried to hide how unexcited she felt. She could not discuss the matter with Lewis in front of the cameras. They finished their workout, and then he went back to the apartment and she went down to the common room. Ursa was at a table that was in the very center of the room. She had a puzzle laid out and a food tray beside her. After Freya scanned in and sat down with Ursa, a woman brought a food tray over for her. They ate in silence for a while before Ursa began to talk.

  “Thank you for meeting me,” she said. “I just needed to talk to you about everything, and I can’t do it with the prying ears of the women we work with. I am going to try my best to not get upset, and I hope to not upset you either.”

  “Okay,” she replied.

  Ursa asked why Freya thought Colin had cheated on her, why she thought he wanted to leave. Freya had to pause often and take some breaths as she told her everything from Colin getting caught in Ida’s apartment to running into
them at the common room, and Ida being directly behind him in line. Ursa listened carefully to her without disrupting until she was finished telling the story.

  “So the State told you that he asked to be re-coupled, not with Ida, just not with you, and he could do that if he went off on the colony ship?”

  Freya simply nodded in response.

  “Then you suspected on your own that it was Ida based off what you had seen in the video and the common room,” she added.

  Freya nodded again.

  “I don’t want to argue with you, that was not my intent on inviting you here. I just wanted to understand.”

  “I know this must be just as difficult for you. You love your son, and want to believe that he didn’t do anything wrong,” Freya replied.

  “May I tell you my side of things also?” Ursa asked.

  Freya tensed, but she didn’t want to stop her. This could be the key; this could be her lead into the rebellion.

  “Colin contacted me quite regularly when you were first coupled. He admitted it didn’t go well at first, but he also said it with humour, not disdain. He told me in spite of your rocky start, that he was glad to be with you. He could see how in the long term you would be very happy together. Then he started to call me less and less. Every time he did, he would apologize it had been so long, and then tell me how happy he was with you, how much he loved you. The last time I saw him, I could see it in his eyes how much he adored you when he spoke of you,” Ursa said.

  “The last time we were in a common room, just like this at the centre table, he would have had no cause to hold back. He could have told me about leaving you, he could have properly said good-bye to me, but he didn’t. We had a disagreement over something, he told me that he couldn’t see me anymore because he needed to focus on the life he was building with you.” Her eyes filled with tears.

  “I will never believe that he chose to leave you, never. I do believe you have been misled. I don’t want to argue with you. You have the right to feel as you do. There is something that I do need you to understand, though.” A single tear ran down her cheek. “I always wanted a daughter.”

  Freya began to tear up as well. It was hard to hear, all of it, especially now, at this time when she was finally moving on—that he loved her and never wanted to leave her. She didn’t really believe it, but there was still a part of her that wanted so desperately to hear it. It was a very dangerous kind of indulgence, a relic from a life she no longer had.

  “The thing that hurts me the most is that you hate him. I can’t blame you for that, and I don’t. When he started to talk about you, the moment I found out you were a greenhouse worker I thought of you as the daughter I always wanted,” Ursa said, now with tears freely flowing. “It was silly, really. I knew we would never meet, but I knew you were in his life and you made him happy, and that knowledge made me happy. When he left, at first, I assumed you went with him. I was sad to lose both of my children, but found comfort in the thought of you two being together, knowing how happy your lives would be in the new world. It wasn’t until I overheard you with Lewis exercising that I found out they had separated you.” Ursa lost control of herself and started to sob.

  Freya was surprised by this, as she had never considered anything about Colin’s family—she had hardly even thought of her own family since being coupled with him. As much as she still couldn’t believe the story, it instantly broke her heart. Not only had Ursa lost her son, but she had lost the image in her mind of this phantom daughter also. It was obvious she had been using the thought of them being together to comfort the loss of Colin. There was no happy ending she had imagined for them, and instead, this so-called daughter hated him. Freya sat for a while, trying to work through this, but realized she didn’t just have herself to think about. Ursa was even more heartbroken than she was. She leaned forward and touched Ursa’s arm from across the table.

  Ursa reciprocated her touch right away, grabbing onto her hand. She held her hand while Ursa sobbed, and once she had gained better control of herself, Ursa reached out to hold both hands.

  “I am sorry to go on with this,” Ursa said. “I know how deep my hurt lies, but can’t even imagine how deep yours is. I know you believe that he didn’t love you. I don’t know what would be worse: to live knowing he didn’t love you, or to know he loved you and was taken from you. Maybe it is easier for you to hate him, and so although I don’t believe that story for one second, I won’t argue with you either.”

  “Yes, let’s not argue,” Freya replied. “We both lost him. Either he chose to leave us, or he was taken from us. I don’t think either way is better. It doesn’t change anything—he’s still gone.”

  “I don’t know if I will be alive when the spacecraft lands. I don’t know that if I am alive, we will ever be able to speak to or see each other,” Ursa added.

  “I think I will be alive, and I hope not to see him. I will have aged. I have changed so much already, I can’t even imagine what another twenty plus years will do to me. I doubt he would even recognize me,” said Freya, almost more to herself, thinking her thoughts out loud.

  “Do you know anything about what will happen when they land? When are they sending the next ships?”

  Freya didn’t answer her question, but her face gave her away. She had never been good at concealing her thoughts.

  “You know something the rest of us don’t,” Ursa said, a little more quietly than she had been speaking before.

  Freya knew the information she had was classified, but she didn’t know whether staying silent was a good idea. Could telling them about the transport device be something the rebellion could use to fight the State? If she refused to tell her, Ursa wouldn’t trust her.

  “I do know something. It is classified information. I honestly am afraid to tell you, but I think with what happened to you, you deserve to know. Is this the safest place there is to talk?”

  “Yes, there is nowhere safer. As long as you keep your voice down and act natural, the cameras can’t pick us up. Just make sure you are not overheard. Sometimes it is best to talk about other things, using different words so that only I know what you mean.”

  Freya’s eyes bulged. Talk in code? She couldn’t think of a single greenhouse analogy. What else could I possibly compare it to?

  “There is only one train,” she finally said.

  Ursa looked at her deeply, waiting for her to continue. They still held onto each other’s hands, and Ursa leaned in a little closer. “But how will everyone get to where they need to go if there is only one train?”

  “Perhaps they could invent another way to travel. I think we should have the technology to travel faster by now,” Freya finished. She didn’t know whether Ursa could piece the rest together in these little hints, but hoped she could.

  “So you think we should have a faster way to travel. What would we need to do something like that?”

  “Well, I am no scientist, but if they can build a device in one train station, and build another, perhaps they could connect the two, that we may travel instantaneously. That would be more efficient.”

  Ursa thought long about this. She looked off to the side of them, yet didn’t let go of Freya’s hands.

  “I think you should meet my friend. He is a scientist. He would find your theories interesting,” Ursa said. “Would you be willing to meet him if he came to this common room? Can Lewis handle some time without you?”

  Freya thought for a while before she answered. This was it: this was the entire reason we had come here. Ursa was going to introduce her to a member of the rebellion. She was afraid of appearing too eager, and so she decided to hold back.

  “Why would your friend need to meet me? I have told you I am no scientist. You could pass along my theory without my help. Could you not?”

  Ursa was now silent for a while. There was a tension between them, a battle of wills.

  “You know something, Freya—I have been wondering if Colin told you about my friend. I have
been wondering that for a long time. Colin and I had a fight about him the last time we met. He felt that you were more important to him than spending time with my friend and me. Did he tell you about it?”

  Freya’s eyes welled up with tears. Even though Ursa had been speaking in code, she knew exactly what she was referring to. So, Colin had really told his family that he had to choose me over the rebellion. The question still remained whether it was actually true, but it still cut her deeply.

  “He did, didn’t he? I thought he might have. And you still believe that he wanted to colonize?”

  Freya had lost all control of her emotions. Ursa moved to the other side of the table, wrapped her arms around her and rocked her gently.

  “I don’t know what to believe,” she whispered. “He told me because we ran into Ida; he said that was how he knew her. He could have been lying still. Perhaps if he told me one truth, I would believe the rest.”