My Soul To Keep

by Jackie Sonnenberg

  “It’s tonight!”

  Before I could come up with another supportive yet passive remark Deanna went for the throat.

  “You’re coming with!”

  I shook my head immediately.

  “No, no, I’m not.”

  “Yes you are! Come on, it will be fun!”

  “I don’t know…”

  “Sky, you’re cool and you need to embrace that about yourself and branch out a bit. You’re not having any fun just sitting in the dorm.”

  “I just don’t think I’m the ‘party’ type person,” I explained this with the finger quotes and all, but Deanna still didn’t buy it.

  “The only way you’re going to make any friends is if you actually leave your room. Don’t you want to fit in and have a social life?”

  I paused, and I knew that gave my answer away.

  “Of course you do,” Deanna answered for me. “It is the most important thing about junior high and high school. So you’re in, right?”

  I surrendered.

  “Yeah, what the heck.”

  “Great!”

  ***

  It was cold out and I buttoned that stupid little cardigan as far as it would go. It wasn’t considered “cool” to button them all the way to the top but I didn’t even care.

  “So Chad invited me,” Deanna said. “I see him and Bryan and Jen and some other people at the gym and pool and stuff. They seem cool. Do you think you’ll play any sports?”

  “Nah,” I said hugging my arms.

  We turned a corner and up the sidewalk to this dorm house. Deanna immediately knocked and a moment later a girl answered the door wearing about three Hawaiian leis. We were brought in out of the cold and not two steps in when lo and behold, two other girls passed us by holding some official red plastic cups. It shocked me since I could probably guess what was in them.

  “I guess we’re in the right place,” I remarked as we followed them down the hall. It was mainly High School kids and I saw that, immediately feeling like the stupid baby 7th grader I was. It was weird no one seemed to care, especially with Deanna, because Deanna obviously didn’t seem like a stupid baby 7th grader so maybe they didn’t know. What I really wanted to know was where the residential adult was. It was a Friday, and I guess a lot of them left for the weekend, but still…

  “Here we are,” Deanna said, as though we couldn’t already figure it out. The music was vibrating the entire house.

  People were dancing and having hors d'oeuvres in the lounge room, and someone strung white party lights all around the pillars. They could have been Christmas lights someone busted out months early. Some guy in an obnoxious Hawaiian shirt greeted us.

  “Hey, you made it!”

  “Sure did!” Deanna replied and I know I just met her eye candy.

  “Chad, this is my roommate Sky. Sky, Chad.”

  Chad took a swig of whatever was in his red cup of importance.

  “Why don’t you ladies go help yourselves to some drinks? They’re in Mikala’s room.”

  Deanna headed to that room and like a dumb puppy, I followed, the paranoia hitting me at full blast. This was no doubt unsupervised and there were a lot of people there. We then saw an assortment of bottles on the dresser, some with fancy names and different colored liquid. Deanna shrugged at me.

  “Best to keep it simple,” she stated as she took the rum and brought it over to a Coke bottle.

  “Wait, I don’t know about this.”

  “It’s totally cool,” Deanna said. “Everyone drinks. It’s not a big deal.”

  “I don’t think we should. We could get in big trouble for this.”

  “It’s just fun!” Deanna said. “It’s not going to kill anyone, and no one is going to know.”

  Deanna made herself something while I just poured a Sprite. After a while we actually joined in the dancing, and when I say dancing, I mean I nodded my head along to the music and Deanna rubbed her hips on her Chad friend, whose eyes were red and swimming from the start. Deanna laughed and almost tripped over a sweatshirt on a heap on the ground. I’d see her dancing and then leave to get another drink, and then come back, and then leave again. At one point she came back all excited.

  “Sky! Come on, we’re doing shots!”

  I was grabbed and dragged over to the kitchen where other people were holding shots, and although they spilled all over the place they managed to stay in the glasses.

  I didn’t know what it was, but I took it anyway. It was strong, it made me a little sick but it wasn’t bad. It was even a little fruity. Deanna grinned from ear to ear as she took another drink.

  “What’s that?” I asked.

  “I have no idea! Chad made it. Wanna try?”

  “No,” I said immediately. “And you know you shouldn’t take drinks from guys you don’t know.”

  “Oh, pshh! It’s really good!”

  I tried it anyway, and almost immediately I wanted to hurl up the shot, the Sprite, and the burger I ate for dinner.

  “Oh my God, what is that? It tastes like nail polish remover!”

  “I don’t know girl, but I’m getting really shit-faced. Let’s go dance!”

  I could not take this, any of this. Deanna, on the other hand, felt that she had a high alcohol tolerance and not to mention the four stomach chambers of a cow. It was not possible for her eyes to get any more bloodshot and cloudy. When her dancing started to look more and more like dry humping followed by spasm attacks, the tingle in my stomach turned from Code Yellow to Code Red

  “Hey, Deanna?” I had to shout. “We need to head back. It is getting pretty late!”

  “What?”

  I repeat it, my throat actually hurting.

  “No!” she cried back and danced with Chad again. Those two continued in their humping spasm dance, and I use the term “dance” lightly as they rubbed against each other and Chad’s hands trailed lower and lower on Deanna’s body. I tried my best to ignore it, but when other red, swimming-eyed guys came by me and thought they could repeat this same scene, I started to get more annoyed. Deanna and Chad continued to go at it and then I had the sudden thought she forgot I was there.

  “God, I have to pee!” Deanna shouted. Chad guided her through the crowd as she stumbled around and I couldn’t shake that tight feeling that I had to follow. I got through a crowd—and then another one—before I lost them both. I looked around but all I could see were bodies slamming up against each other, so I shoved my way through and asked the first person that made eye contact with me.

  “Where’s the bathroom?”

  “What?” he shouted.

  “Where’s the bathroom?”

  Why did that music have to be so loud?

  “THE BATHROOM!”

  “Right down there!”

  I went down the hall and saw the bathroom door wide open, no one in there and the stalls empty. Now, the panic started to grow.

  “Deanna? Deanna?” I yelled, walking down the hall. “Deanna?”

  My heart started to thump faster and I found it hard to think over the music. The panic fluttered slightly when I heard that stupid laugh and followed it to that Mikala girl’s room. Deanna sat on a bed surrounded by some people and they were all laughing.

  “Sky, heyyyy. There you are!” Deanna slurred.

  “Geez Dee, I couldn’t find you, you just sort of wandered off.”

  “It’s cool,” she said. The girl next to her had some little thing I didn’t recognize. It looked like a colorful sculpture.

  “What are you doing?” I asked stepping into the room, and then a strong smell hit me and I almost gagged. It was like a combination of Earth and a dead skunk. Like, a skunk got run over by a lawnmower just as it was cutting grass. It was disgusting and I was coughing uncontrollably.

  “What is that?” I shouted in between coughs.

  “Is she cool?” asked some girl behind Deanna. Although drunk, Deanna was quick to respond.

  “Yeah, yeah, she’s cool.” She looked ov
er at me and her eyes—it was possible after all—were ten times more red and swimming. “It’s weed, Sky.”

  I fought back the urge to hack.

  “All right…well…I’m going to…um…go that way.”

  I turned on my heels and left that room just as Deanna reached for that little thing and lit a Zippo lighter underneath it.

  In the lounge I knew I didn’t anything at all, trying to calm my stomach enough so I could think, even though the music was still playing at full max volume. I was surprised it wasn’t bothering people whose heads were already pulsating from all the drinks and other things. I drank my Sprite and then saw something blonde dash to the bathroom.

  Whether or not I wanted to see I went to the bathroom anyway just as Deanna lifted up the toilet seat and pushed her head into it. Out of reaction I grabbed her hair as she made the most God awful noises and projected liquids—and maybe even some solids—into the bowl. She hurled some more and I buried my face in my hoodie.

  “Deanna,” I said. “We’re going to leave now.”

  She leaned back from the toilet, now remembering how to breathe.

  “I feel better now.”

  “No, you don’t,” I said forcefully. “Just how much of what did you have tonight?”

  “I don’t know,” she answered weakly. “A little bit of everything.”

  “Why did you do that? You had alcohol and then you smoked?”

  That triggered her to go back to the toilet, and me to the inside of my shirt.

  Right on time, Lover Boy decided to show his face.

  “Hey, is she okay?”

  “She’s throwing her guts up, man. What do you think?”

  The next time Deanna emerged I patted her back and tried to get her to sit up. She did, almost reluctantly.

  “Come on,” I said.

  She rubbed her head but did not outright object, which I took to be progress.

  “Where’s my sweatshirt?” she asked weakly.

  I practically leapt up, taking his as a cue.

  “I think you left it on the couch when we were dancing, I’ll go get it.”

  I let Deanna rest for a minute while I swam my way back through the crowds. By the time I did find the wrinkled black thing on the couch and made my way back, Deanna was gone. I cursed myself. Why did I think that was a good idea to leave her alone for five seconds? I knew to check Mikala’s room, but somehow I didn’t think there would be different activity.

  The door, now, was slightly ajar and I heard some quick breaths. I pushed it with my knee and saw Deanna and Chad playing tonsil hockey, her hands on his neck and his moving up her shirt. I didn’t move, and they didn’t make any indication that they saw me or that they cared.

  “Okay, ready?” I said holding up her sweatshirt. “I found it.”

  They broke it off quickly, and stood there awkwardly as I stood there even more awkwardly.

  Deanna could hardly stand straight so I took her arm.

  “Let’s go.”

  “Bye Chad, I’ll call you,” Deanna managed to say.

  The only good part of the evening? Deanna didn’t stop to puke on our way back. She did gush about Chad the whole way, which made me want to.

  ***

  Thank God it was Saturday, that was all I could say. I slept until about eleven, made a cheese sandwich, and enjoyed that with a Snapple while I waited for Deanna to come back from the bathroom. She woke up about twenty minutes before I did and immediately headed off there. Our door opened and in she came, still looking tired with some of her eye makeup still on.

  “Hey,” she said softly.

  “How’s it going?”

  “I feel like shit.”

  “Yeah, well, you were drunk last night.”

  Deanna climbed back on her bed while I took a big gulp of Snapple.

  “You were all over the place…I didn’t even know what you were going to do,” I said.

  “Yeah, I guess.”

  She lied down and I continued eating, trying to think of what to say next.

  “I do not plan on leaving my bed today,” she finally said.

  “Do you even remember anything from last night?”

  She managed to shrug. “Kind of.”

  “Well,” I said frankly. “It was bad, Deanna. You were out of control. I was getting worried about you. You drank a lot and then smoked and then got sick, and you and that Chad guy were all over each other and almost…yeah.”

  She slightly perked up but still cringed a little. “Oh.”

  I looked at her. “You were going too far.”

  “Sorry, I was sooo drunk.”

  “Yeah, well, you didn’t have the best judgment.”

  “Sorry, okay? Are you mad?”

  “Well, there was a lot going on at once and I felt like I had to watch you. You could have been in serious trouble and probably wouldn’t have made it home last night if it weren’t for me! What would you have done if I wasn’t there? This party was a bad idea and if anybody knew about it we would all be in serious trouble. You completely lost control.”

  She got quiet. “I’m so sorry Sky.”

  I tried not to think about what actually would have happened if I wasn’t there. It was clear that Deanna’s kind would be in juvie if they weren’t here. Although my frustration was still fresh, I felt a sense of pride at how I handled the situation and took care of her. I swooped right in and got out of a situation and didn’t let common young adulthood vices tempt me at all. I was smarter and I was stronger. I made positive decisions. I thought of Guardians of Light. They would probably have done the same, wouldn’t they?

  Chapter 6

  I brushed my hair one last time, although it was a lost cause and wasn’t going to change. I was so happy weekends allowed us to be out of uniform for once, even though I couldn’t do any better than jeans and a T-shirt. I shook my head and swung my bag around my shoulder. It was time to leave.

  I knew that Damien was going to meet me there, so I didn’t linger walking past his dorm. It seemed like everyone was doing something for Labor Day weekend as more cars drove down the street and more people were out walking around, especially some parents. My mom tried to convince me to come home a while back for the weekend. I already explained to her that I had plans with this new student group I was involved in, and instead of being disappointed my mother was ecstatic.

  “Oh, that is great! You’re fitting in already! I hope you have fun!” she said. “We’ll have you come down another next weekend so we can go shopping or something!”

  I felt good after hanging up.

  I was already getting a better grasp of the campus as I approached the picnic area, no doubt reserved ahead of time to our group. It was behind a few athletic fields which were usually crammed with people but today, it was empty sans those in the black shirts. I smiled as I walked through the fields and saw the familiar banner fluttering against the gazebo. All the picnic tablecloths in the park area were covered in yellow tablecloth, decorated in ribbon and filled with people.

  I saw Damien right away standing by the cooler, watching Carol set up the grill. He looked so awkward, like he wanted to offer help but was not sure what to do. I smiled as I finally made my way into the scene.

  “Hi, Sky.”

  “Hey.”

  I noticed some of the others too, some I knew their faces but not their names yet. The exception was Iris who could clear a path in the room with her stare. People moved chairs to a firepit area and played volleyball with their pants rolled up to their shins, kicking up sand in every step. Damien and I recognized Kimberly from our first meeting pulling out bags of hot dog and burger buns.

  “There you are!” she called out, her voice upbeat and high-pitched. “Can you guys get those cups for me from over there?”

  We got them and started to help set up tables. Iris came over with some chairs, smiling at me but smiling even more at Damien.

  It was mostly aimless mingling and meeting everyone. The upperclassm
en were very welcoming. Even the 12th graders treated us like people instead of stupid little 7th graders, like they would at any other school They made us feel as though we already belonged to the group. I guess according to them if we showed up, we automatically were. It didn’t take long for Mitchell Brooks to show his face and make his rounds.

  We sat around the picnic tables eating and talking. Mitchell told us we were to have a little meditation after dinner. I sat up anxiously.

  Suddenly I saw something white move out of the corner of my eye. I jerked my eyes towards the trees, but whatever it was, it was gone. I continued to stare at the area, not quite sure what it was, but something was telling me it was not just my imagination. Whatever I saw earlier—whatever I kept seeing on this campus was here. It had to be. I looked around at the others at the tables to see if they noticed anything, too. Everyone continued to talk and eat to each other. I looked again.

  “What is it?” asked Damien.

  “I thought I saw something,” I said lamely.

  “Like what?”

  A rustle in the bushes answered for me. I saw flashes of white and then it burst out into the open.

  “Well, there you are, baby!” cooed Mitchell. “We didn’t think you’d miss our party today!”

  The cat—covered head to toe in a thick white coat—scampered over to Mitchell and rubbed against his legs. He got up from his table and picked it up.

  “This, everyone, is our own little mascot and a longtime companion of mine, Ad Astra. She lives at the house and can be seen wandering campus from time to time. She comes and goes as she pleases like she owns the place!”

  He laughed and rubbed the cat behind her ears. For a minute she looked at me and I saw the bright gold ornaments that were her eyes. Purring, she closed them in bliss. Once we finished eating, Mitchell stood up and asked for our attention.

  “We’d like to begin our little after-meal meditation to help us relax, gather our thoughts, and let the food we just ate feed our souls, charge our bodies and charge our lights so they continue to shine their brightest. After big meals we like to do meditations like these, but especially since this is our first meal of the year and we have so many new members to our family, we want to welcome them officially and help their spirits find their home!”