My Soul To Keep

by Jackie Sonnenberg

  In Mitchell’s class, I almost knew the worst was coming. As tiny sugar specks of snow fell outside the classroom window, I knew what Mitchell was thinking about and what he was going to talk to the class about. If I could sink any lower in my chair, I would, but all I could do was sit there and pretend that everything that came out of his mouth was completely valid and sane.

  “Everyone keeps bringing up those Mayans and their prophecy of the world coming to an end….in just a couple of weeks…”

  When Mitchell paced this classroom it didn’t have the same effect on the other students, but it had the same effect on me.

  “The question is what will happen to all of us once it does? The world will end, we as human beings will die, and then where will we go? Many people believe that we will die and go to Heaven, but what exactly is Heaven? Better yet, what exactly is death?”

  “Join us tonight,” Mitchell continued. “Join us if you are looking for questions, because we have the answers. We have the answer and we know how you can be saved from floating aimlessly after the destruction of Earth. Join the Guardians of Light to have the best afterlife.”

  Of course, no one showed up to The Manor later. It made many people upset and disappointed, and it made many only grow to hate the human race even more.

  “People are stupid, selfish and close-minded,” I heard one guy say. “They don’t know anything.”

  “I am so happy to get out of here,” another girl chimed in. “I can’t wait to be with more intelligent beings.”

  I kept my mouth shut.

  That night, we had a gathering in the lower lounge. It was shocking to me that the person who was in charge of carrying me up and down the stairs was Seth. He came over to me just as we were about to go and lifted me up.

  “Are you…are you sure...” I started to say.

  “Not to worry,” Seth answered right away. “My senses are the strongest they have ever been, and I know this house better than anything or anyone. I can get you around safely. I can feel it.”

  So, he scooped me up and I was at the mercy of a blind man, shuffling his feet and walking with extreme care and confidence. The echolocation vibrated off of his skin, and he did not even brush against a wall or chair or any obstacle that got in his way. The Guardians of Light descended to the lower lounge, Seth and I among them and not missing a single step nor hesitating at the stairs. He put me down on the floor cushion and took a seat nearby. Mitchell must have told him, too. He must have told him that he was now my personal handler. I was completely dependent.

  Mitchell glided down the stairs to his awaiting crowd, all of us waiting anxiously for him to start the gathering, or just anxious in general to whatever he wanted to say this time.

  “We await the Judgment Day,” he started. “We are only a few short weeks away. People are busy getting ready for Christmas and other holidays, and I say why do we celebrate? Why do we celebrate that which will not happen? Will it happen?”

  “No,” everyone said in unison.

  “Will this Christmas be the same as the last?”

  “No.”

  “No is right. We will have time to celebrate, all right. We will celebrate later, and with much better reason. The White Light is ready to receive us in The New World. We are going home. Do you hear me? We are going home.”

  “We are going home,” we all said in unison. I could actually hear the excitement in some people’s voices. Very soon, we were to believe we were leaving all of our problems behind.

  “I have something else to tell you,” Mitchell said pacing the room. Behind him the candles on the mantle flickering uncontrollably. “Something that will no doubt make you all very happy. Since we are scheduled to leave on December 21st, then, well, what use do you have for final exams?”

  The entire room was quiet, as Mitchell looked around with a sly smile. He wanted to see everyone’s reactions before saying any more.

  “Oh my children, as a teacher usually this idea is preposterous. But think about it: What use is it to study or do any work for exams if we will not be having any? I encourage you to make better use of your time. I encourage you to instead continue to reflect and meditate on the New World.”

  The candles flickered again, no doubt showing their approval of Mitchell’s announcement.

  “Your other teachers do not know, of course, and they will carry on and talk to you about all the classwork you need to do. You of course know better. You know better, but your teachers and other classmates do not. That puts us ahead of everyone, doesn’t it?”

  Mitchell’s eyes mimicked the candle flames for a minute as he paced. I could tell those beams behind them reflected out at every person he looked at.

  “You don’t have other teachers anymore. I am your only one now. I am your only leader.”

  ***

  It was easy to say that the atmosphere around The Manor became…blissful. Students almost became arrogant to the fact that they no longer needed classes, and began to do half-assed work just for the sake of doing work and appearing productive. I let myself slide as well. I accredited it my traumatic event of becoming paralyzed, which was only half of a lie. Ever since I lost the use of my legs, teachers and other students just plain felt sorry for me. I didn’t do a few papers. I bombed a couple of tests and quizzes. They confronted me about it. They asked what a smart student like myself was doing. I mainly shrugged and said I didn’t feel like myself. It was the truth. Now that I thought about it, I really did believe that I no longer needed classes. Why should I? The world was going to end and we all were going to die…and spent eternity on some space paradise. I of course, left that part out. I was at the point where I was letting the current take me wherever it wanted to go. I was not in control anymore.

  The atmosphere around The Manor also became clouded. Literally. As the winter set in, the fog returned in the highest depths and smoked up the pathways leading to the woods. I would wheel myself over the path and as soon as I got to the woods the sidewalk gradually disappeared. It was replaced by miles of heavy smoke, smoke that seemed to have no beginning and no end. Now that I was in a chair, it made me closer to the ground. As I wheeled through the path the fog consumed me. It rose up as high as my chest, and at one point, I was certain it went over my head. I looked up above me, looked up to the lines of trees which were now a couple feet higher than they used to be. I had to stretch my neck back to look all around me. It made me feel smaller. I felt as though I had shrunk and the world now loomed above me and was ready to devour me up at any moment.

  The fog surrounded The Manor, swallowing everything in its path and barely leaving room for the solar lanterns. Those fought through the fog to light the way, but they didn’t need to light the way because by now we were all supposed to know exactly where The Manor was. There just was no question.

  Inside, bits of the fog made their way through to make the whole house a little gloomy. I saw candles lining up the kitchen counter already, and it was not even sunset. As I wheeled myself in I saw Holly finishing up some candles on the kitchen table.

  “Spirits are here, you know,” she said without even turning around.

  “I know.”

  “They like to remind us they’re here once in a while, you know? We have friends waiting for us. That is kind of nice.”

  Right. Nice.

  I carried on with my new usual routine: Waiting for someone to carry me up to my room (which was usually Carol) so I could hide in there and do my homework and just be alone until someone came to get me. That night, Seth knocked on my door and announced we were having another meeting downstairs. Seth’s carrying me around sort of became a routine as well, more for him as well as me. He scooped me up like an empty potato sack, and never once struggled with his own handicap. He led me downstairs almost effortlessly now.

  Mitchell had a different kind of activity in store for us that evening. Once I saw it I was confused and maybe even a little nervous. He paced in front of the camera sitting on top of the t
ripod proudly, and waited until everyone was downstairs and seated to begin. He looked almost anxious.

  “Everyone look at this camera here. Relax, it’s not on right now, but it will be of use to you in the next couple of days. We will be doing a new project, and it is something I want you to take very seriously, because you might just consider this to be your last project. You all will have some personal time with the cameras to get a chance to do a video reflection. You will take turns and sit down in one of our study rooms for a private recording. There is where you will film your Exit Video.”

  My nails dug into my ankles, but I couldn’t feel anything anyway. I didn’t even know if I drew blood. I didn’t even know if I had any blood in my legs anymore, but Mitchell’s words made me just want to tear through them.

  “Your Exit Video will be your personal reflection of your life. Your ups, your downs, your milestones and more. You will talk about the most meaningful times in your life, and what were the most important things you learned. These are the most important thing we can accomplish right now as our time becomes near. These videos will be something that we are going to need to take with us. We won’t be leaving anything behind on Earth, because Earth is going to perish! What was it? It was doomed to begin with, and the ancient peoples knew that. It is a stepping stool, it is training grounds. And when we leave, we need to bring with us some sort of proof that we were, in fact, here and trained for the level above human. Right?”

  We all nodded and said yes. Mitchell then took the tripod and gestured to Iris for help.

  “Why don’t you set this up at the back. I would like to record a little of tonight’s gathering to show us all as a whole, as a group. I think The White Light and spirits would appreciate seeing us all together, and that I am carrying our message the way it is intended.”

  Mitchell went on with his usual great speeches while that camera recorded a part of history that will probably never be seen again. This scene, this very one, will never be seen either. I had my own visions of the whole “found footage” motif found in many horror movies. Our film would be found after the apocalypse, after the world blew up or whatever and whoever survived it would search among the rubble and come across something from a school. They would watch it and witness all of Mitchell’s prophecy ramblings and know at once who was responsible for the world coming to an end. That is, if there were any survivors. If there were, that is probably what would happen.

  “It is during our last days on Earth that the spirits that have passed before us continue to watch over us,” Mitchell continued. “You all know about the students from many years ago who followed the teachings of The White Light. They chose to end their time on Earth. They chose to go before their time as humans was actually up, no doubt when they were still young and pure of heart, which is admirable in its own way. But, instead of passing on to the Next Life, they have fallen behind and need guidance. The right guidance. Now, through the protection of The White Light and the strengths that they possessed, they can go to a better place with our help. Do we know where for certain? We do not. We only know that we must put our fate in the hands of The White Light. It is here to remind us of what lies beyond. We can all help each other once the Day is upon us and guide us through this rough yet beautiful transition. Let us all cross over in peace!”

  “In peace,” we all echoed confidently. The camera recorded all of us nodding our heads in unison at Mitchell at the things he was saying.

  “We are going to set this camera up in this study room back here,” Mitchell indicated. “For all of you to do your Exit Videos. They do not have to be long at all, just a few minutes of your time to highlight the most important things. There will be a sign-up sheet outside this room so we can keep track of who did it and who has still to go. Do it during your free time, take your time, but do so quickly.”

  Mitchell made big gestures as he spoke, no doubt turning on the dramatics. Instead of being cheesy and amusing, they scared me a little bit, knowing that Mitchell could control anything and anyone with the wave of his hand.

  “I know this may seem frightening. I know you might be scared. But I say to you, do not be afraid of the glorious future we have ahead of us. Do not be afraid of the paradise that awaits us in our Next Life.”

  ***

  I didn’t do this video right away. A couple times I’d ask Seth or Carol to take me downstairs, and then I would see the study room door closed with the clipboard sitting idly on a chair next to it. Every time more and more names appeared on it, and I would have to go to class and not wait around for it. My time came eventually. The door opened while idly sitting there in Seth’s arms and the camera was ready. Seth walked me in and set me down on the chair, close enough so I could reach the camera and work it on my own.

  “I will take my turn after you,” Seth said as-a-matter-of-factly and shut the door behind him. I shuffled a bit in the chair, manually moving my legs out so they wouldn’t twist around themselves. Then I looked at the camera lens near the desk, the mysterious eye of the New World watching me and what I had to say about my life. I took a moment to think about exactly what I wanted to say, and I struggled quite a bit. This was basically a suicide note in person. A final farewell to the world that nobody will probably ever see. I might have been alone, but I knew I was not. The camera lens was not the only eye on me, and I had to think fast. No doubt Mitchell would also view the student film segments all together…just to make sure we did it justice. I heard papers shuffling outside the study room door and I knew that was Seth moving some things around to sit down and wait for me. I took that as my cue to reach over on the desk to turn on the camera, and just get it over with.

  The little red light went on and it was like a little red light went on inside me as well. I faced the camera and sat up straight.

  “My name is Skyler Monroe and I am thirteen years old and in 7th grade. I found out about Guardians of Light when I came to this school and joined them with no hesitation. Their sense of wonder and awe and how they are so in touch with themselves really spoke to me, since I was in a very difficult place when I first came here. In the past year I lost my dad due to a gang-related violence and my family was and is still recovering from. I joined Guardians of Light knowing that they would be the ones to help me heal properly and accept his passing with an optimistic faith. And I have. I have learned so much and have grown as a person. I have personally had contacts with not only his spirit, but others as well, and it really opened my eyes to “the other side” and I am a true believer. I believe that now, in my own journey to “the other side,” my dad is personally there and he will help guide the way for me.”

  I started to get a little choked up but I forced myself to stay with it. It never occurred to me that I believed my dad really was trying to guide me down the right path until that moment, and I was trying hard not to react.

  “He has seen the Light,” I continued, staring seriously at the camera, my voice cracking a little. “I will see the Light…we will all see it very soon. In my journey to find the right path, I have suffered another travesty. I woke up one day to find that I completely lost the use of my legs. I was paralyzed, I was completely helpless, and now I am in a wheelchair.”

  I paused here, shuffling a bit in the chair uncomfortably.

  “I still don’t know exactly why I lost the use of my legs. I suppose….somewhere down the line and recently I had a moment of weakness. I suppose the spirits that are here relying on us found that I wanted to steer away from the path, that I tried to run away from my destiny, and they have bestowed this onto me to teach me a lesson. They are teaching me to stay where I belong. They are also teaching me that my body is only temporary…soon I won’t suffer anymore. Soon I will be free. And I will be headed down that right path…”

  I took a deep breath, and before anything else could happen I reached up and hit the stop button. I sank back in the chair, finally relaxing, and processed everything that I said. The bit about my dad shocked me. Was that
really what I thought this whole time, and I was completely oblivious to it? I did believe he was still around, but I did not believe that he was in the same place as these other spirits…In fact, I almost knew that he wasn’t.

  I cocked my head to the side, listening for Seth outside the door even thought I knew he was the whole time. I knew he heard every word I said. I leaned over towards the door and called for him.

  Once Seth got me up and carried me up the stairs and to my wheelchair, I asked if he would bring me up to my room. I wanted to have a private meditation. Nodding, Seth understood. Or, he didn’t question. He put me on my bed and shut the door, telling me that he will be sure that I could come back downstairs for food.

  I got into that pretzel yoga position on my bed and shut my eyes. I had to concentrate well on this and hope with all my might that it would take me to where I wanted to go. I could make the right connection if I tried hard enough, and the way that I was feeling, I was going to get it. I had to get it.

  The fog came back. It was calmer this time but still too thick to make anything out. I floated in my vision, at once deeply surprised by the cool air that I felt—I felt it all over me—my legs rejoicing in the comfort of the fog. The grey figures that floated with me stayed their distance and did not reveal themselves. They could have been anyone’s spirits, really, the way they were all just lumped together aimlessly. I at once noticed the one spirit that lingered outside of the fog, the very one that I was following previously. Its shape became more humanlike as I approached it, and as I approached, it separated itself from the fog and became an actual shape.

  He was still too far away. I knew instantly that he could not get into the fog I was in—and I could not get out. I drifted as far as I could, trying to make out a face to see if he could see me. Of course, I knew he could and I knew he knew my presence because I saw an arm and hand wave. He waved at me, trying to tell me something, and I pushed forward. By this time I could see the shape of his head more clearly, and it was funny I could almost swore he was forever going to wear his favorite Windsor hat. I pushed against the fog, I pushed through the other spirits that were there with mine, until I came to the edge of a dark circle. I stopped short, realizing I had never seen before in any of my visions, and was completely set back when I saw ahead. My dad was here, all right, but I was in one circle and I saw that he was in another one. We were in two rings separated from one another and barely touching. He waved at me again, waved in the direction of the path he was in. He waved at me to follow him, at first slowly, and then his last wave was a little more urgent. He moved a little, as though he were trying to break through into the area I was in, but he could not move. I stayed still as the fog and other spirits brushed through me. Before I could say or do anything, I woke up from my vision from someone calling my name.