My Soul To Keep

by Jackie Sonnenberg

  My eyes popped open and I shivered. Standing in my doorway were Kimberly and Seth.

  “Time for dinner, Sky,” Kimberly announced.

  “Okay, sure,” I said getting back to reality as Seth scooped me up. They brought me down silently. I thought about just how isolated we really were.

  ***

  All around campus, snakes of evergreen and holly coiled around the lampposts, candy-rainbow lights strung around trees and even some lit-up Santa and Frosty figures were put up by the library. It was like I had to visit the rest of campus to remember what time of the year it was, because on our end it did not exist. Everyone did a very good job ignoring it because we believed—knew— Christmas would not come. Whenever I would go to classes or to the coffee shop once in a while I would get to see up close and personal exactly what I was missing. I saw cheer, I saw excitement and fun. The coffee shop proudly served peppermint hot chocolates and eggnog lattes and didn’t hold back on the decorative decals on the windows, slightly obscured by frost. It made my stomach hard. There were just different rings of existence all around. In our own little island at The Manor we were to have different thoughts on the time of the year. Students at The Manor decorated by just putting up candles here and there. As far as we were concerned, we were having our own O Holy Night.

  I got back home one day, after what seemed like the worst day to navigate the icy sidewalks with freezing wind stinging my face. My arms throbbed and I already wore out the fingers in my gloves, tiny holes forming at the tips and loose threads threatening to unravel at any minute. I wanted nothing more than to park myself on the couch and not have to wheel anywhere. Once I got inside the cold didn’t leave me. I immediately spotted Iris and her boy toy all snuggled up on the couch. I avoided eye contact, trying to sink my face down into my scarf as though I could disappear in it, but Damien actually looked up. I saw him eye me curiously. At once, Iris brushed the side of his face to turn him away from me. She leaned in and said something to him. To me it sounded like she said “you are better than that.” His expression changed from soft to stone and he looked away.

  They resumed cuddling in front of the TV and I got out of there as fast as I could. I wheeled over to Carol’s room, wanting to get back to my bed to pay another visit to the mysterious planes. I awkwardly went around corners but stopped abruptly at the hushed voices coming from Carol’s room. I held on to my wheels to stop them from making any noise and stood as still as possible. The door was open a little and I was able to see Carol inside talking with someone. There was tension in her back as she leaned towards the person she was talking to, and I didn’t need to see inside to know it was Mitchell. His voice came through loud and clear no matter what, even in whispers. His voice was always heard.

  “And how do you know this?” Carol demanded. “Is this what The White Light is telling you?”

  “My dear, it is what we knew all along,” Mitchell answered very calmly. “We weren’t going to go out the same way. Certainly not. We’re going first.”

  At that moment my left wheel betrayed me, a small movement let out a squeak so loud that it would have been a miracle if they didn’t hear. Sure enough the door opened all the way and the two of them came out, acting like they were discussing sports or the weather.

  “Sky, I’m sorry I didn’t mean to forget you,” Carol said. “Would you like me to take you up to your room now?”

  “Yeah,” I said. “Sure.”

  I put on a fake smile and tried not to look directly at Mitchell, who was eyeing me suspiciously.

  “Were you waiting…long, my child?” he asked me.

  “No,” I answered right away. “Just got here. I didn’t even see you there.”

  He smiled a little and blinked a nod.

  Before anything else could happen Carol scooped me up from my chair and carried on.

  She was quiet as we went upstairs. Quiet even for her. I saw her lips pressed a little bit, and actually wished I was waiting outside that door longer. She sighed once she noticed my staring at her.

  “Mitchell and I were having a bit of a discussion.”

  I didn’t say anything.

  “What did you hear, exactly?”

  “Nothing, really. Just Mitchell saying something on how he wanted to go first at something. That’s all.”

  “Okay,” she answered.

  “I didn’t hear your private discussion, I swear.”

  “I believe you,” she said.

  “Is everything all right?”

  “Of course. Everything is as it should be, of course. We just have to remember to keep the faith. Right?”

  “Yeah.”

  She dropped me off on my bed and turned to leave, then looked at me again.

  “Continue to meditate, Sky. We need to be in as close touch to the spirits as possible. We all need to be in on this together so we can go home.”

  ***

  Dinner was awkward for many reasons. One reason was that I had no clue what was brewing with Mitchell and Carol. Another reason was just the students themselves, who at one point decided just to quiet down. The mess hall was no longer the boisterous social gathering that any normal cafeteria full of students would bring. No one talked or laughed or goofed around. People chatted casually but mostly kept quiet, mostly kept their heads down as though in prayer. Who could tell for sure? Were people really praying at this point? And what were they praying for?

  And, another reason dinner was awkward was Damien. He kept trying to casually steal a glance at me. The more he did the more it annoyed me. I had no clue what was going on with him anymore, and I had no clue what Iris was saying to him. A couple of times I tried to catch him in his stare and return it with a stare of my own, to see how he would react, and he mostly just pretended not to see me and continue eating. I saw Iris look my way once, scowl, then turn back to him. I almost wanted to roll over there and ask them what their problem was, had it been anyone but Iris. Anyone approaching Iris had to do so delicately. But, was there any way that Damien would ever be alone? It never seemed like it.

  They say be careful what you wish for, and I was thinking exactly that after dinner. I was bored and restless roaming around the upper lounge and kitchen area. Lo and behold my knight in shining denim came out of nowhere carrying his empty hot chocolate mug. He went over to the sink, ignoring me, or just trying to ignore me. I wanted to roll right up to his face and confront him, but I didn’t. Part of me didn’t even want to talk to him. He turned, cautiously, almost nervous.

  “What, Damien?” I demanded.

  He completely turned around now.

  “Nothing Sky, I was just looking for Iris.”

  “Well, she’s not here, so you can stop acting like a timid dog.”

  I noticed that Damien still did not look at me, at least not directly.

  “I just…” he started. “I’ve thought about you a lot. I mean, I was concerned.”

  I sighed. “Well, I am doing fine I guess.”

  “I mean, I was really concerned about…what happened to you. Or, what the spirits decided was best for you. I just hope you learned from it.”

  Just when I thought he would come around again.

  “Learned from it? Oh Jesus Christ, Damien, I didn’t do a god damn thing to deserve to be paralyzed and you know it! Or is that it? Is that why you are avoiding me?”

  He looked at the floor, rubbing down his hair.

  “No, I just….I just want to be strong. I don’t want that to happen to me.”

  “You think I am contagious or something?!”

  “We just….we just need to be strong. We can’t be weak and then become deformed because of it. It’s wrong, and it’s a punishment.”

  He still refused to look at me, and even as he said that last sentence I could tell he was holding back on something.

  “We all need to be strong,” he said again.

  “Yeah, well, let me tell you something,” I said. “One of us is strong, while the other one is a weak an
d brainless sheep. And it’s not the girl in the wheelchair.”

  I just rolled away, fed up. There was no way I could get through to him and I wanted to be done trying. Trying to reach Damien was becoming exhausting.

  ***

  Mitchell requested—well—ordered another meeting to be held one evening. I got this email in between classes at the library. I almost felt like I needed to shield my computer screen from neighboring students. While most students were studying for finals and working on projects, we were journaling in our rooms and filming our Exit videos. No one knew what happened inside The Manor but us, and no one could find out. Even if I actually had any friends outside of GOL it was something I could never talk about. I felt like I needed to be protective, and keep everything and anything GOL related to myself. It was selfish, in a way, like I felt I was harboring this big secret from the rest of the world that they were unworthy of. This was exactly what we all were supposed to think.

  The countdown on the fireplace mantle was getting closer and closer. It was the elephant in the room no one directly talked about, but there it was all the same. Mitchell looked at it almost adoringly as he waited for the entire ensemble to—assemble—in our places on the floor.

  “I know you’ve all noticed this,” Mitchell said gesturing to the elephant. “So you all know just how closer we are getting! And I know you all must be just as excited as I am, as you should be. Pretty soon we will leave life on Earth and go to where we are supposed to go. We’re going home!”

  Everyone nodded in approval, some had grins spreading ear to ear and some actually had glistening, teary eyes. “The spirits and I spent a lot of time talking. You could even say I spend most of my time turning inward to listen to what they have to say. Do not be afraid.”

  “Mitchell?” some girl’s hand went up. “Mitchell, has The White Light said exactly how we are going to go?”

  “Have no fear, my child,” Mitchell answered. “Or do you fear that you will feel pain on Judgment Day?”

  “No,” the girl answered.

  “Do you have fear and doubt inside of you?”

  “No, no,” the girl answered immediately. “No I have no fear! I have no doubt!”

  “The White Light,” continued Mitchell, “Assures us that we all will go peacefully. Which brings me to the subject matter of this evening.”

  Mitchell paced the room, taking the time to look at each and every one of us. No one asked any more questions or even stirred. He moved slowly, carefully, as though carrying an enormous weight in his body.

  “The White Light tells me that Earth will end when it is scheduled to, of course, but why should we wait?”

  I sat up a little bit, the sinking feeling in my gut coming back remembering his and Carol’s conversation. I did not like where this was going.

  “We are going to be leaders in The New World. We have been trained already to become that level above human, so we’re ready. Did you all hear me? We are ready. So why shouldn’t we go sooner?”

  There were some murmurs, but no one spoke out.

  “We have the right to see this New World sooner than the rest of Earth, or for whoever is deemed worthy to live in it. We are the leaders, so it is our duty to go first and lead the way for the rest. It is our duty that our families have us as leaders, otherwise where would they be? They would be lost. So, naturally, that is why we have to go first. Listen carefully, my Lights…We have only a couple days left on Earth, don’t we? You have all completed your Exit Videos, right? If you have not done so, I strongly advise you to do it right away as that will be one of the most important things we can take with us. Because we will be going a day earlier. Mark your calendars for a different kind of “Eve” and shoot for December 20th. That is The White Light’s final decision.”

  It was so quiet I could hear my own breathing: scattered and uneven.

  “We have put together a plan of how we will go. It will be a very peaceful, relaxing and enjoyable way, for we deserve that and much more. We will go by means of personal meditation that will start out as any ordinary vision, but the only difference is we will finally just be our Lights, and we will no longer have need for our Guardians. We shall finally be free. It will be our final mediation here, all done from the privacy and comfort of our own rooms. Then…we will be reunited again in paradise.”

  It didn’t take a genius to figure out what Mitchell was really telling us. No, the world wasn’t just going to blow up on December 21st, we all were getting the magical privilege of dying a day sooner. And how? I didn’t exactly know. What, we were going to go to sleep or have a vision and just have our souls to be whisked away? Did they really think that was going to happen?

  Was that really going to happen?

  ***

  Well, of course that wasn’t possible. How could that be possible? No. There was no way that we were going to all just permanently leave our bodies…and die. That could not happen! Even if it weren’t voluntary, how were they going to make us? Mitchell may have been possessed, but the rest of us were not. At least, I certainly was not. I was still in control of my own brain and I could decide whether I lived or died and that was it! It was all in everyone’s heads, anyway. Why does everyone believe a stupid ancient Mayan prophecy anyway? What the hell did they know then, and what the hell did that have to do with anything now? Nothing, that’s what. The whole December 21st thing was stupid and it wasn’t going to happen, and we were not going to have our souls be sucked out by spirits.

  ***

  I paced my room for the most part of the evening, and when I say “paced” I mean I jerked the wheels at every sharp corner and turn, so this was my way of pacing. I put all my energy into those turns and had to be careful not to crash into the walls. I even did a few times and did not care. My head raced more than my chair.

  I thought back to the beginning of school, and how stupid and naïve I was. Look, a group of people with paranormal connections! Sure, how about I go and join this group I know nothing about? There’s no way anything could go horribly wrong! I turned so hard and so fast I knocked into my dresser and knocked some papers on the floor, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to pick that up. What did it matter, anyway? Nothing mattered. My thoughts turned to my visions and the spiritual encounters and seeing….my dad. I suddenly threw my face up to the ceiling.

  “Yeah, nice going!” I cried. “Do you think you could have straight out told me what I was getting into? You think if I knew this was a death cult I would have joined in the first place? No, now I’m here and stuck with it and whatever happens! Why me, huh? Why did I have to get involved in this? I didn’t even do anything wrong!”

  I brought my wheels to an abrupt halt, tangling up the rug.

  “Did I deserve this?” I gestured to my noble steed. “Did I really do something to deserve losing my legs?”

  ***

  I had my journal out, but I couldn’t write that much. I had ideas that I couldn’t put in the right words. I wrote a few sentences as they came to me. Call the school and tell them everything. Instantly, I scratched this out. They wouldn’t believe me. Either that, or Mitchell and the spirits would find out and I would be severely punished again. I didn’t know what was worse than becoming paralyzed. Could they do something worse at this point?

  Okay, what if I wrote them an anonymous letter and dropped it off sometime in between classes? Yes, this one I would take extra care of to make sure—you know—fireplaces didn’t eat it or anything. Yes, what if I went for help right away? Then the school would shut down the group and the meditation sessions won’t happen and then we would all be saved. And I could call my mom to get me out of this place.

  Or, I could just stop freaking out and finally let go. I could believe in it completely and put my entire fate on the line, because maybe that is what “being saved” actually means. Maybe that is all I need to do in order to save my life. I will believe in the Next Life so that I can actually have a next life! Yes, all I needed to do was to put up a
front, even if it was an act. Or, once they see me going along with everything maybe I can find out a way to stop it.

  ***

  I sobbed quietly, if that were even possible. I muffled my cries so no one could hear, even as I stared at the letter I wrote I knew it would never get out. It would never get out because I would never get out. They were watching us all too closely and I could jeopardize everything and make it worse. My short life was going to be over, and there was nothing I could do about it. First my dad, and now me. The emotions drained out of me as I thought about my family. I thought about my mom, brother and sister, who at first had to lose my dad and now they were going to lose me. Or, we were going to join him whether we wanted to or not. Life was going to be over. It was over and it didn’t even start. I didn’t even get my driver’s license yet. I will forever be a young teenage girl who didn’t even get to the good parts. I would never know love, and what it was like to be in love and be happily married. Life was short, but it was too short, and it was going to be over.

  I’m so sorry, Mom.

  I cried harder because I knew somehow this was all my fault. I saw all of this happening and I just went along with it. I was wrong, so very wrong. I should have went with my gut feeling about this group that something was not quite right, and now I was paying for my mistake. It just all sounded so good.