Reckless: Damaged & Destroyed #1

by Lacey Heart

  I've avoided Olivia like the goddamn plague since Saturday night despite her persistent calls and messages.

  I feel bad for using her the way I did. Hell, I know it wasn’t fair. It was wrong on every single level, even if I enjoyed it at the time. It was selfish and heartless. But then that's how I usually do things anyway.

  Fuck. Who am I trying to kid? Imagining Liv was Amber while I got my kicks was fucked-up. Sure, it was amazing, and I can't even begin to imagine what the real thing with Amber would feel like, but there's no excuse for leading Liv on the way I did. What's worse is I didn’t even fucking benefit from it. Not in the long run, anyway. Getting my release from Liv didn’t even scratch the fucking surface of my need for Amber, and I still can't shift the image of her out of my damn mind.

  If anything, I think it's heightened my need for her even more and the fact I don't know who she is or where to find her is driving me in-fucking-sane.

  This is fucking crazy!

  I'm losing my shit over some chick who I don’t even know, and this is the last thing I need right now. I'm losing sleep. My head's a fucking train wreck and I'm leaving it wide open for my demons to come and take me whole. Then there's the fight of my fucking career coming up in two weeks.

  No matter how much I'm trying to shut everything out and focus on what needs to be done, I just can’t get into the zone—something which is unheard of for me.

  Fighting is my drug, my sole purpose in life, and if I don’t have that, then I don’t have anything. Yet, I know all of this, but all I can think about is the mysterious auburn-haired beauty who entered my world the other night and exited just as fast.

  I lower my arm and take a hit on the punchbag, desperately trying to relieve some of the pent-up frustration which is festering and bubbling deep inside of me, and that's when it hits me. It fucking sucker-punches me hard in the chest.

  How could I have been so stupid? I could laugh. Instead, I shake my head. The answer has been right in front of me all along, and how I didn’t think of it sooner is beyond me. Sure, I've always been one to run before I can walk and I’ll always be the first to admit it, but this is an all time low, even for me.

  "Yo, Rix. You down here?"

  Craig's voice filters into my gym, breaking me out of my eureka moment and then he appears and stalks toward me.

  "Where else would I be?" I mutter. "What's up?" I say loud enough for him to hear. That's when I get a better look at him. Gone is his cool persona, and its place is a major frown line and flustered cheeks. A look I've rarely seen on Craig's face in all the years he's worked for me.

  "I'm sorry, man. I tried to stop her, but you know how she gets. She wouldn’t take no for an answer and bulldozed past me."

  It takes me a couple of seconds to understand what Craig is trying to tell me, then suddenly it all makes sense when I see Olivia hot on his heels.

  Shit.

  I knew this would happen sooner or later. However, my mind has been so fucked-up I didn’t really give it much thought, but obviously this little situation needed my attention sooner.

  Why didn’t I at least give Craig the heads up? He's pretty decent when I've got a tight schedule and Craig is a sucker for running a tight ship too. Maybe if I had told him, then he could have made sure Liv stayed out of the picture—at least for now.

  I didn’t tell him, and for one good reason too. Deep down, somewhere in this damaged and destroyed soul of mine, I still have a heart. I know there's still some good in me, no matter how small. and in all honesty, I feel ashamed. I didn’t want Craig to know how low I went for my own sick and twisted needs. I sure as hell didn’t want him to know I'd used someone who's had my back right from the start, before this crazy life I now live started, just for my own personal and selfish gain.

  I sure as hell don’t want to explain to anyone what I've done. Craig knows how Olivia feels about me. Fuck, I know how Olivia feels about me, and what did I go and do? I went and took advantage of her, and I feel fucking terrible for it too.

  I've tried to avoid her. I've put off facing her, because, well, what am I supposed to say? None of this is Olivia's fault. Sure, it takes two to tango and all that, but I guess she was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

  This mess, this is all on me and it's high time I grow the fuck up and face it head on.

  I know I should have tried to control my needs better, but me and control never seem to go hand in hand without a fight—but I should have been stronger.

  Yet, here she is with a big fucking grin on her face like we're about to play happy fucking families.

  "Hey. I know Craig said you were busy, but…" she calls over to me. Craig looks unsure but against my better judgement I nod my head at him, letting him know it's okay, I've got this. Olivia's already here anyway, and the damage has long been done—now I just need to fix it.

  "What’s up, Liv?" I ask her, hoping this will be short and sweet, but I already know this is going to be anything but.

  "Nothing really. I just thought I'd stop by and see if you wanted to grab some lunch?"

  And there it is. Like a fucking slap to the face. Why do I need to go and be a dick with the people who are closest to me? I run my hand down my face trying to buy myself some time, but the truth is it doesn’t matter what bullshit excuse I come up with, I can't get out of this. If I don’t resolve it now, it's just gonna keep coming back and rearing its ugly head until I do.

  I can’t hide because she's stood right in front of me. I can't say I have an appointment because she runs my schedule.

  Lunch with Olivia is the last thing on my mind right now. If I say yes to lunch then she could get mixed signals and think it's more than lunch, and the last thing I want is to lead her on any more than I already have. But, it’s high time we had a much needed chat and cleared the air about Saturday night. I know a line needs to be permanently drawn under it and then we can both get pastit and move on.

  I really hope I don’t live to regret this. "All right," I finally say after far too many arguments with myself. I know lunch with Liv could be a bad idea, but I also know it's the perfect opportunity for us to sit down and have that much needed chat. Only, I have a feeling Liv isn’t gonna like what she's about to hear.

  I feel the heat of Craig's eyes burning into the back of me. He's not stupid. He knows when something is up. I've known Craig for a long time, and he knows I don’t cut my training for anyone. But if he knew the depths of my sins, then he'd know this little interruption warrants it.

  "Let me finish up here, then I'm all yours."

  "Now that’s what I like to hear." Liv's face lights up like a goddamn Christmas tree and I could fucking kick myself.

  Get your fucking shit together, Rixon, and fast. Now even a simple comment could be taken way out of context, and there's no way I can go on like this. The last thing I want to do is hurt her, but if I carry on the way I'm going that's exactly what's going to happen. All because I'm a heartless, selfish son of a bitch.

  "Don’t be long." Liv shouts over her shoulder before disappearing out of sight. I grab a towel and see Craig watching me suspiciously, leaning against the wall with his arms folded across his chest.

  "You wanna tell me what's going on, or am I gonna be left to pick up the pieces when this shit hits the fan?" Craig pounces on me, just like I knew he would. If there's one thing Craig isn’t, it’s naïve, and believe me when I tell you the guy doesn’t miss a trick—not a single one. Make no mistake, he sees everything.

  I guess he wouldn’t be the best in his field if he did, and that was one of the main factors when it came to me hiring him for my security.

  "Seriously, man, the less you know the better." I tell him and I mean every word. Actually, the less anyone knows, the better. I need to keep this under wraps, and I need to set the record straight with Liv before everything gets blown up out of all proportion.

  Why the fuck do I allow myself to end up in these stupid, crazy-ass situations?

  Mayb
e if I started to think with my head instead of my cock, but then where's the fun in that?

  Not to mention I'd have another beast of a demon to battle with, and right now I think I'm battling more than enough.

  AMBER

  "All work and no play?"

  I glance up from my computer screen and find Ryder hovering by the door. I've not been here all too long but I'm quickly learning my doorframe seems to be his favourite place in the building.

  "Maybe," I offer with a small smile.

  "Oh, now that isn’t a way to live, darling."

  "Do you ever do any work?" I scoff back at him while shaking my head in disbelief. I've yet to witness any of his assistant skills, other than getting me a coffee which takes me a little by surprise. First impressions stick with me, and when I first saw Ryder, I automatically assumed he liked to work by the book.

  Ryder places a hand over his chest to demonstrate I've hurt him deeply, but his mischievous grin lets me know he's only playing with me.

  "Personal assistant may well be the job title, but believe me, darling, it is so much more than that."

  "Really?" I sit back and wait for the dramatics.

  "Oh, really," he starts and waves his hands around in the air. "Now what they don’t tell you is not only am I your personal assistant, I'm also the coffee bitch, social media influencer, drama llama avoider, and not to mention everyone's fucking therapist. Do I get paid for it? No. Apparently, it's skill building. But it's tiring work let me tell you, mentally and physically draining." He sighs heavily before continuing. "Amber, baby. Look around you. Do you really think all those plastic bitches would still be here if they didn’t have Aunt Ryder to confide and bitch to?"

  "Wow," I gasp. "I had no idea…" I love Ryder and I've come to realize it's best to let him bitch and then ask the questions when he's finished.

  "Baby, it's a hideous job but I guess someone has to do it."

  "I absolutely love you, but your dramatics know no end."

  "Maybe so. But like you just confessed, you love me. Now come, you need to eat. Plus, I can’t work if I'm hangry. Believe it or not, my inner diva has no self-control or self-respect, so we need to get moving."

  I may not have known Ryder all too long, but I know he's definitely the assistant for me. I mean the guy is my spirit animal, no doubt about it, and when it comes to food, I don't need telling twice.

  "Yes, sir." I shut off my screen and give him a salute, one which seems to please him immensely.

  "Oh, baby girl, me and you, we're gonna conquer the world someday."

  "Girl, can you put it away!"

  "Uh, huh." I say feeling absolutely zero shame. Food is, and always will be my first love. Nothing and no one will ever come between us—ever. "I'm blessed with good genes. And yes, I know it will probably all go downhill when I reach thirty, so believe me I'm gonna enjoy it while I still can." At twenty-four I've got a good six years before I need to start worrying about any of that bullshit.

  "Oh, I'm not complaining. I can’t tell you how refreshing it is to see a girl enjoy her food like she should do. Usually the girls around here like to push salad leaves around their plates while checking their overly contoured reflections in anything they can find: windows, compacts, cutlery. But you… you're nothing like them. I knew as soon as I met you that you'd be different. I just knew you would be my kind of girl. That's why I had to play around with you first, like with the folder, just to make sure you were really down for shits and giggles."

  The South Ivy is something else.

  It's elegant and definitely high-end. There's no way I would have picked out this place if it was down to me. The drinks menu alone is more than my monthly pay check but fortunately for me and my bank balance, I'm not paying.

  Ryder is using the company Amex, and he's not exactly hiding that fact either. I tried to refuse, but after five minutes of him protesting and telling me that keeping the staff well fed and healthy was an acceptable business expense, I finally gave in. Mostly just to shut him up so I could order food as my stomach was now growling from all the delicious aromas around us.

  Plus, what's the point in arguing with someone who isn’t going to listen anyway?

  After we've eaten, I check my watch and see it’s almost time to head back to the office. "I'm just going to visit the restroom before we leave." I tell him, hoping I haven’t gone overboard with the too much information. Maybe an 'excuse me, I’ll be right back', could have cut it. Oh well, it's too late now.

  "You do you, and I'll grab the check," Ryder smiles fondly and I feel a little warm inside. He has such a warm, kind, caring smile. Seriously, I'm so happy Ryder entered my life. I swear he's an absolute dream to be around.

  "And just like that, she walks back into my life."

  A deep and very familiar voice sounds at my neck and my hairs stand tall. No, it can’t be? Here, of all the places he could be? This is crazy.

  I'm a little scared to turn around and face him because I know if I do, I will be absolutely powerless. Just like I was when I met him at the weekend. I wish I could keep walking, but the pull between us is far too strong and I know he feels it too. A current shoots up my spine when his hand connects with the small of my back, and a pleasurable sensation ripples throughout my body.

  "Amber, right?" he breathes heavily, and my head turns to face him. Pale blue eyes stare back at me and once again, I'm captivated—held under his spell.

  Images of his beautiful face have been flying around in my head for days. Fantasies of what he could do to me if he had his wicked way have been driving me crazy, but until five minutes ago that's all they were. Nothing but fantasies. I never thought I would bump into him again. I mean, why would I? We were just two people who happened to meet at an event but had an electrical connection.

  "Lawson?" I try to compose myself, but it's hard when he's making me so damn uncomfortable, and not in a bad way too. No, this is more I want to feel his hard, solid body against mine as he pins me to the wall. Jesus, what is happening to me? I don't even know him, yet he's made me feel more emotions than any other man, and I've only seen him twice.

  I breathe in, conscious of my heart beating faster and faster from the close proximity and he must sense it. The blue of his iris' deepens and a devilish grin plays on his lips as he steps closer. I would love to find out what those lips taste like, but I fight the impulse to reach up and kiss him. That shit's not me. He's so close we're almost touching, and as his scent fills my senses again I breathe him in.

  I try to back up some when I realize I can't. There's nowhere left for me to go. Oh, he knows what he's doing, all right. I'm backed into a corner and he knows it too. The son of a bitch has me right where he fucking wants me. I have nowhere to run and I can’t even see Ryder from where I'm stood. Lawson has angles me so a massive marble pillar has blocked me from his view.

  "Tell me, Amber," he breathes so close to me I can feel the heat of his minty breath on my lips. The thought of reaching out to see if they taste just as good hits me hard again and I have to bite down on my lip to stop me from acting on these ridiculous impulses. "Are you going to run from me again?" Lawson's eyes grow even darker as he leans even closer, his nose almost touching mine. "I'm an impatient man, Amber. If you choose to run again, I will find you, and then I'll have no choice but to show you what a naughty girl you've been."

  My eyes widen and a small gasp escapes me. My stomach tightens at the thought of his wicked promise. Now I kind of want to run just to see if he'll deliver on his threat. I bite my lip again as a smirk grows on my lips and Lawson laughs, although his eyes remain focused and serious.

  "Take this," he slides something into my hand before his lips come crashing down against mine and all sense of reason leaves my body. Crisp mint tantalizes my senses and I don't hesitate in kissing him back. Jeez, he tastes so good. He's addictive as hell, and I need to be careful I don't enjoy it too much. I have an addictive personality—one that doesn’t end well for anyone involved.


  My body responds to his touch like he's in control of my actions and a loud moan escapes me when I feel his tongue dance with mine.

  Who is this guy and what is he doing to me?

  He's turning me into a pool of desire, and I can't stop him. I have no sense of reason when he's around me and I know that’s a lethal combination. I have feelings running through my body right now I never even knew existed.

  All too soon he breaks free and no doubt I look super attractive with my mouth hanging wide open, feeling breathless and unable to speak.

  Lawson's hand falls on the small of my back again and he pulls me close with his strong, muscular arms; his chest falling and rising rapidly too. I'm glad I'm not the only who seems to have been affected. He leans in close, so our bodies are flush against each other; the only thing coming between us is our clothes. My little red shift dress and his black shirt and slacks. The heat from his body still burns through and his solid erection pushes into me. Holy shit—this guy is unbelievable and he's definitely packing an almighty surprise in his pants.

  "It’s been lovely to see you again, Amber." Lawson thrusts his hips into me, fully aware of his power over me. Another short gasp escapes me as his body tortures mine, leaving me desperate for more. But I can't move. I'm stood frozen to the spot and my body refuses to respond to the demands screaming loud and clear in my head, telling me to get the hell away from him. He's nothing but bad news. I'm completely captivated by this tall, dangerous creature and right in the heat of this very moment I've never been more excited about something in my life. "Don't keep me waiting." His tone is cooler than before, warning me that Lawson isn’t a guy to be messed with. I promised myself a long time ago I'd steer clear of guys for the rest of eternity—especially guys like Lawson, but the pull is far too strong to resist. He's a magnetic force of beauty.

  I know I can't make any promises as he's already shown me my willpower is non-existent when he's around but I'm going to have to try my damned hardest to avoid him at all costs.