Reckless: Damaged & Destroyed #1

by Lacey Heart

  I have to. It's for my own good.

  Lawson leans in again and presses a soft, lingering kiss on my cheek and then just like that, he's gone. Out of sight, but definitely not out of mind.

  No. If only it was that easy. Instead, I'm the one left panting against a damn wall in the middle of a swanky restaurant.

  Way to fucking go, Amber. I curse myself.

  I try to compose myself before heading back to Ryder—my sudden need to visit the restroom has completely vanished—and when I look down, I see a napkin which Lawson slid into my hand. I'm cautious when I open it, and that's when I see his number, and I laugh.

  There's no way in hell I'll be calling him. Like ever.

  RIXON

  I knew it.

  I fucking knew it was Amber as soon as she stepped inside the doors of South Ivy. At first, I thought I was hallucinating. Imagining her because she's all I seem to be thinking about at the moment, but no. There she was, clear as fucking day ready for the taking.

  I watched her from afar at first, hidden in my secluded booth at the back of the restaurant as she made her elegant entrance. Her long legs glided across the floor, her pert breasts bouncing ever so slightly as she moved. She was vibrant and fuckabkle. Shit, she had my cock twitching right from the off.

  Olivia was trying to talk to me, but my attention was now taken up elsewhere.

  I hadn’t even had a chance to apologize to Liv for the other night, but now even that didn't seem too important.

  My focus was solely fixed on Amber. Nothing else mattered but her, and fuck if I didn’t need her in my life.

  It's felt like an eternity waiting for her to leave the table so I could make my move, but the second it finally happened, I was there. No hesitation.

  I stalked over to her, sneaking up like she was my prey and damn how I'd love for her to be my fucking prey.

  She looked just as fuckable as she did the last time I saw her, and it took everything I had to hold back on her. Especially when I could see the same hunger in her eyes reflecting back at me. Amber wanted me just as much as I wanted her, but unlike other chicks, there was something holding her back. There's something stopping her from reaching out and claiming what she wants—what she needs.

  I swear she's something else. Amber isn’t like the rest at all. Every other chick would fall to their knees just to get close to me, yet she seems guarded. She might have a mean poker face too, but her eyes betray her hard exterior and masked emotions. Her green eyes are fierce, laced with passion, hunger, and something else… fear?

  I promised myself I'd be on my best behavior and keep it in check, but it’s so damn hard. The temptation was far too much to resist, and no matter how much I told myself not to, I couldn’t keep my fucking hands off her.

  When I finally leaned in, she drove me wild with how sweet she tasted, and she sure as hell didn’t disappoint. Those lips were definitely worth the wait.

  The best part? Amber practically melted in my hands and she was lucky we were in a public place. That kind of thing wouldn’t have stopped me in the past, but with Amber I can already tell things will be different. Fuck, I already know she's going to frustrate the hell out of me.

  But for the first time in my life, the ball is in her court. Amber holds the ultimate power and all I can do now is sit back and wait. I just hope and pray she makes the call.

  The one call that could change everything for the both of us.

  "What kept you?"

  Olivia's voice pulls me out of my wayward thoughts, and she doesn’t appear all too happy about it either.

  "Nothing," I lie. "I just had a little catch-up with someone." A fucking catch-up? What the fuck? Truthfully I'm not ready to confide in Liv yet. It would be bad taste, and personally I'm not ready to share Amber with anyone. More importantly, I don't want Liv to know Amber was the chick I was fantasizing over while fucking her in my shower.

  "Catch up, huh?" she hisses back at me, and I narrow my eyes. There's no way I'm going to sit here while she gets all shitty with me. "Since when did Rixon Smith play 'catch-up' with anyone?"

  "Since now." I bark back at her, my patience wearing dangerously thin. Clearly, I should have drawn the line sooner, but Amber walked in and turned all my plans upside down.

  Olivia watches me with cold, calculating eyes, her body rigid in her seat. Gone is the happy smile she was wearing with pride ten fucking minutes ago, and I know she's about to tell me exactly how she feels.

  Here we go!

  I know this is the part I've been dreading, but I also know I need to man the fuck up and grow some goddamn balls, because I'm going to have to face the error of my ways eventually.

  Yes, fucking a random chick for a quick release, an easy escape, is the done thing for me. No strings. No expectations. But fucking Olivia? My assistant—my friend? Shit, I'd been deluded to even think it would go unforgotten and without any implications.

  "All right. Why don't you shut the fuck up and quit with your bullshit?" she demands, and her eyes burn right into mine. I'm sure she can see the blackness and emptiness of my soul. "What’s happening with us, Rixon?" Liv sighs and her voice is softer when the last line falls from her lips. If I didn’t feel like the biggest jerk on the planet before then I sure do right now. But then I guess that's because I am the biggest jerk on the planet.

  I'm sat here in a goddamn Catch-22 situation. No matter what I say next, it’s not going to be what she wants to hear. My words are going to hurt her, and I never wanted this. I know I only have myself to blame.

  I'm the one who was too weak to hold back.

  I'm the one who needed a quick release for my own selfish needs.

  I'm the one who fucked her when I should have known better.

  And I'm the one who's led her down a path of false hope ever since.

  "Liv, there isn’t an us." I tell her bluntly, and I'm shocked when she doesn’t throw her drink over me. I really wish I was anywhere but here when I see the look on her face. Her eyes drop from mine and she fiddles nervously with her glass. Maybe she'll throw the drink after all?

  "The other night shouldn’t have happened. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind and I should have been a lot stronger. I'm sorry."

  "You're sorry?" Liv snarls back at me and she looks savage. "What? You're sorry for fucking me? Or maybe you're sorry I'm not good enough for you? Come on, tell me. Which one is it?

  "Liv…" I begin but she's past listening as she cuts me off, her voice laced with deadly venom.

  "Fuck you and your bullshit excuses. You'll never change your ways, will you? You'll always be a selfish son of a bitch until you finally grow the hell up. Until then, you'll be nothing but lonely and miserable with an empty void in your heart. Until you can love, Rixon, you'll be nothing but an empty shell, with nothing and no one by your side." She slams her hands down on the table before she stands and then turns back to me. "This is the last time you use me, Rixon Smith. I'm done. I fucking quit. Oh, and your little auburn-haired friend from before? Well, she isn’t what you think. But then that isn’t my problem anymore, is it? And I sure won't be around to pick up the pieces when the truth comes out."

  Usually I'd try to reason with her, but what's the point? Liv isn’t going to listen to a single word I have to say. Her mind is well and truly made up. Plus, I'm the jerk who fucked it all up in the first place. Instead, I'm forced to look on as she turns on her heels and storms out of South Ivy. Every single pair of eyes are on her as she leaves, and I really hope we'll be able to talk it through and move past this. But I know I won't have a chance in hell until she's had time to cool down, and fuck knows how long that will take.

  AMBER

  "Hey, you. How was work?"

  Zara glides over toward me on the sofa and smiles. "I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever."

  "I'll agree with you there." It certainly feels like I've not had a chance to sit down with Zara all week and I miss our little catch-ups. "Well, it's Friday and that means it�
�s my last day until I can have a relaxing weekend and God knows I could really do with one."

  I'm so ready for it. This past week has been amazing. Incredible actually, but now I've reached Friday, it kind of feels like it's flown by and I've missed something.

  "Oh, I haven’t had a chance to tell you yet, what with you off working all hours at your new fancy job, but do you remember that event last weekend?"

  "Yeah, course I do." It’s not like I was about to forget it in a hurry. After all, it's not every day you bump into an exotic creature like Lawson, is it?

  "You won't believe it. The party was a massive hit," she beams back at me. "So much so, they've been back in touch and they want me to work on an after party for Rixon Smith's fight next weekend."

  "Oh my god, that’s amazing, babe. I'm so damn proud of you." I tell her truthfully, and my heart is so full I feel like it could burst. I knew she would pull it off. Zara is too talented not to achieve great things. I guess she just needs to believe in herself a little more. She needs to believe in her like I do. "I told you this would be the start of things to come, didn’t I?"

  "Yes, you did."

  "Quick question, though. Who the hell is Rixon Smith?"

  "Are you being serious? Girl, where the hell have you been for the past two years? Hiding under a rock?" Zara exclaims and personally I think she's taking it a little overboard. Jeez, she looks so disappointed in me.

  "What?"

  "You really have no clue, huh? That's who the event was for last week. Honestly, considering your line of work—" she shakes her head. "You should know these people, or at least know of them."

  "Yeah, yeah, whatever." I laugh back at her, and I know she's right. I guess I should put more time into the world of celebrities, but I can think of better ways to spend my free time. Plus, if this Rixon guy is so important in the world of celebs, I'm sure he'll pop up eventually. "Actually, speaking of Saturday night…"

  "What about it?" Zara turns back to face me, her ears prickling with interest and I know I've got her full attention. Maybe I'll live to regret this, but I need to speak to someone before I drive myself crazy thinking about him.

  Since Lawson cornered me in South Ivy, it's been super hard to get him out of my mind, and his number has been burning a goddamn hole in my purse.

  "Well, while you were off doing your thing I decided to venture off for some alone time, you know, clear my head a little for the coming week and explore the place a little." Do I really tell her this? If I do, I know I'm opening up a whole can of worms, but I need to confide in someone before I burst. I need Zara to tell me where to go with this because she knows me better than anyone. "I kind of met some guy."

  "Say what now?" Zara's eyes pin me in place, and I'm scared to move. Yes, now I definitely have her attention. "What do you mean you kind of met some guy? Who? And more importantly, why are you only telling me about this now?"

  "Because I haven’t seen you all week." We've both been super busy, and I've been so tired I've crashed every night as soon as I got back home. I really didn’t think there was much to tell Zara to begin with. I didn’t see any point in mentioning Lawson at all until he had me pinned against a wall in South Ivy. That was kind of a turning point for me. Before that I thought I'd be able to forget about him the longer time passed by, but now he's lit a fire deep within me, flickering for his touch once again. There's no way I'll ever admit this out loud, but I'm feeling pretty excited about the possibility of seeing him again—now that I know it's an option.

  I need to be careful and remember that the demons of my past still haunt me, and right now they're telling me I'm not ready for this. They're telling me that history will only repeat itself and I'll be the one broken at the end of it.

  "Hey, I can always find his details for you." Zara smiles wickedly. "the event was invite-only, so I should still have a list of everyone who came."

  "Zara," I exclaim. "Have you lost your mind? You could lose everything you've worked so hard for…"

  "But no one would know," Zara cuts me off, determined in her mission to help me out. I can't believe she would even consider doing that.

  "There's no way I'm gonna be responsible for ruining your career, especially for a guy. Plus, I don't need you to risk anything because he already beat you to it."

  "Now you're not making any sense."

  "When he approached me on Saturday it got too intense and I made a run for it. I just couldn’t handle it, you know." I shrug, remembering the night clearly. "I think it was all a little too much, too soon. I just needed to get out of there. I never thought I'd see him again." Or at least that's what the scared girl inside of me hoped.

  "I can sense a but…"

  I bite down on my lip, realizing what I'm about to say is going to sound stupid; ridiculous, even. "I went to South Ivy for lunch yesterday, you know the really fancy one in the square? I was with my new assistant and we were having a great time. Then all of a sudden Lawson was behind me and the rest I guess is history." Only it isn’t history to me. The feel of him against me won't stop replaying in my head. "It all happened so fast."

  "Oh my god, Amber. Did this guy hurt you?" Zara questions and she's gone all protective like she usually does. What with my past I don't blame her and I'm so thankful I have someone like Zara supporting me with zero judgment. She's only ever wanted what's best for me, and me the same for her.

  "What? Hell, no." I shake my head. Jeez, the last thing I want to do is portray this beautiful creature as a raving psycho. There's always a small possibility that he could be, but so far, he hasn’t given me that impression. "I was shocked to see him, and even more surprised he even remembered who I was. My name and everything." There were loads of beautiful girls at the party, yet Lawson did seek me out, not once—but twice.

  "Girl, I told you you'd leave an impression. Give me his name again and I’ll check the list." She pleads. I guess a name can’t hurt, right? I can’t remember the last time I saw Zara this giddy.

  "Lawson." I tell her and just his name leaves a pleasant taste in my mouth.

  "Lawson, huh? Sexy name." she smirks while she scrolls through her phone. "Lawson? You sure?"

  "Of course I'm sure. I'm not gonna forget his name, am I?"

  "Well, I hate to break it to you, but there's no one on the guest list who goes by the name Lawson."

  "There has to be…"

  "I promise you, babe. If he were there, I'd tell you, but nothing is coming up under that name. Hey, hopefully he'll put in another appearance at South Ivy. Or we could haunt the joint and stalk him?"

  "It wouldn’t surprise me if he went back there. He made it perfectly clear he wasn’t about to give up until he had me. He's pretty full of himself, really. You should have seen how confident he was when he slipped me his number."

  "You have his number? Why the hell didn’t you say so?"

  Oh, sweet Lord, help me. Zara is about to freak. I never intentionally kept it from her; I just didn’t reach that part straight away. "What am I supposed to do with it?"

  "What do you think? You send him a message and wait for him to get back to you." Oh yeah, that’s easy enough for Zara, but I don’t think I'd be able to bring myself to do it.

  "And say what?"

  "I get why you're scared, Amber, really I do. But this could be good for you. This could be just what you need to do to get back out there."

  Maybe Zara is right. I guess I can't close myself off forever, no matter how much I want to. "This is fucking crazy." I shout to no one in particular. I don’t even like men, yet I'm sat here deciding whether or not I should chase one. A very, very, sexy one—but still, that's not usually how I roll.

  "Answer me honestly. What do you have to lose?" she asks, and I shrug my shoulders, not entirely sure if I know the answer to her question. "The way I see it is this, he pursued you, not the other way around." Zara points out to me while I reach out for my phone.

  I look at my best friend and take a deep breath as I prepa
re myself to be brave. I just hope I haven’t made the biggest mistake of my life.

  RIXON

  "You know you're only gonna make life harder for yourself?"

  I hold my head in my hands and not for the first time I feel like a grade A idiot. "Don’t you think I already know that?" I snap but I can’t help it. I'm wound so tight, and I'm so goddamn stressed I don't give a damn who takes the brunt of my wrath. Why is it everything I seem to do in life always leads to one big fuck-up? It always ends the same way no matter how I try to handle things.

  "I wish I could help you, man. But I don’t think even I'll be able to get you out of this mess." Craig pats me on the shoulder, but I don’t take any comfort from it.

  "I knew it was wrong as soon as it happened; but fuck me, I'm a red-blooded male and Liv was there for the taking. You can't tell me you wouldn’t have done the same." I thought I'd feel better confiding in Craig. Finally letting it all out and getting it off my chest, but all it's done is made me feel a whole lot worse. "I know I can't handle my impulses. I thought I was getting it all under control, and yes, I know I should have nipped it in the bud straight away, but my head was a mess. I know it's no excuse, but I was all over the fucking place."

  "I get that. But you know how Olivia feels about you, you always have. Now, correct me if I'm wrong but isn’t that the main reason you ended it last time? You didn’t want her to get too deep?"

  I nod my head, aware everything Craig is saying is nothing but the damn truth, but it still doesn’t make it any easier to hear. "I tried apologizing." I say weakly, and I know I'm defeated on this. Nothing I say will ever make it right.

  "You of all people should know apologizing means shit if nothing changes. I hate to say it, but we've been here before. Look, how about I try to talk to her? See what I can do? But I have to be upfront with you, Rix. I make no promises. She's as stubborn as you are reckless."