The Pirates of Ersatz

by Murray Leinster

  IX

  Normally, at overdrive cruising speed, it would be a week's journey fromWalden to the planet Krim. Hoddan made it in five days. There wasreason. He wanted to beat the news of his piracy to Krim. He couldendure suspicion, and he wouldn't mind doubt, but he did not wantcertainty of his nefarious behavior to interfere with the purposes ofhis call.

  The space yacht, sealed tightly, floated in an orbit far out inemptiness. The big ship went down alone by landing grid. It glitteredbrightly as it descended. When it touched ground and the grid's forcefields cut off, it looked very modern and very crisp and strictlybusinesslike. Actually, the capture of this particular liner was a bitof luck, for Hoddan. It was not one of the giant inter-cluster shipswhich make runs of thousands of light-years and deign to stop only atvery major planets. It was a medium ship of five thousand tons burden,designed for service in the Horsehead Nebula region. It was brand-newand on the way from its builders to its owners when Hoddan interfered.Naturally, though, it carried cargo on its maiden voyage.

  Hoddan spoke curtly to the control room of the grid.

  "I'm non-sked," he explained. "New ship. I got a freak charter partyover on Walden and I have to get rid of my cargo. How about shifting meto a delay space until I can talk to some brokers?"

  The force fields came on again and the liner moved very delicately to aposition at the side of the grid's central space. There it would be outof the way.

  Hoddan dressed himself carefully in garments found in the liner'sskipper's cabin. He found Thal wearing an apron and an embitteredexpression. He ceased to wield a mop as Hoddan halted before him.

  "I'm going ashore," said Hoddan crisply. "You're in charge until I getback."

  "In charge of what?" demanded Thal bitterly. "Of a bunch of malehousemaids! I run a mop! And me a Darthian gentleman! I thought I wasbeing a pirate! What do I do? I scrub floors! I wash paint! I stencilcases in cargo holds! I paint over names and put others in their places!Me, a Darthian gentleman!"

  "No," said Hoddan. "A pirate. If I don't get back, you and the otherscan't work this ship, and presently the police of Krim will ask why.They'll recheck my careful forgeries, and you'll all be hung for piracy.So don't let anybody in. Don't talk to anybody. If you do--_pfft!_"

  He drew his finger across his throat, and nodded, and went cheerfullyout the crew's landing-door in the very base of the ship. He went acrossthe tarmac and out between two of the gigantic steel arches of the grid.He hired a ground vehicle.

  "Where?" asked the driver.

  "Hm-m-m," said Hoddan. "There's a firm of lawyers.... I can't rememberthe name--"

  "There's millions of 'em," said the driver.

  "This is a special one," explained Hoddan. "It's so dignified they won'ttalk to you unless you're a great-grandson of a client. They're soethical they won't touch a case of under a million credits. They've gotabout nineteen names in the firm title and--"

  "Oh!" said the ground-car driver. "That'll be-- Hell! I can't rememberthe name either. But I'll take you there."

  He drove out into traffic. Hoddan relaxed. Then he tensed again. He hadnot been in a city since he stopped briefly in this on the way to Darth.The traffic was abominable. And he, who'd been in various pitchedbattles on Darth and had only lately captured a ship in space-- Hoddangrew apprehensive as his ground-car charged into the thick of hooting,rushing, squealing vehicles. When the car came to a stop he wasrelieved.

  "It's yonder," said the driver. "You'll find the name on the directory."

  Hoddan paid and went inside the gigantic building. He looked at thedirectory and shrugged. He went to the downstairs guard. He explainedthat he was looking for a firm of lawyers whose name was not on thedirectory list. They were extremely conservative and of the highestpossible reputation. They didn't seek clients--

  "Forty-two and forty-three," said the guard, frowning. "I ain't supposedto give it out, but--floors forty-two and-three."

  * * * * *

  Hoddan went up. He was unknown. A receptionist looked at him withsurprised aversion.

  "I have a case of space piracy," said Hoddan polite. "A member of thefirm, please."

  Ten minutes later he eased himself into the easiest of easy-chairs. Agray-haired man of infinite dignity said:

  "Well?"

  "I am," said Hoddan modestly, "a pirate. I have a ship in the spaceportwith very convincing papers and a cargo of Rigellian furs, jewelry fromthe Cetis planets, and a rather large quantity of bulk melacynth. I wantto dispose of the cargo and invest a considerable part of the proceedsin conservative stocks on Krim."

  The lawyer frowned. He looked shocked. Then he said carefully:

  "You made two statements. One was that you are a pirate. Taken byitself, that is not my concern. The other is that you wish to dispose ofcertain cargo and invest in reputable businesses on Krim. I assume thatthere is no connection between the two observations."

  He paused. Hoddan said nothing. The lawyer went on, with dignity:

  "Of course our firm is not in the brokerage business. However, we canrepresent you in your dealing with local brokers. And obviously we canadvise you--"

  "I also wish to buy," said Hoddan, "a complete shipload of agriculturalmachinery, a microfilm technical library, machine tools, vision-tapetechnical instructors and libraries of tape for them, generators, andsuch things."

  "Hm-m-m," said the lawyer. "I will send one of our clerks to examineyour cargo so he can deal properly with the brokers. You will tell himin detail what you wish to buy."

  Hoddan stood up.

  "I'll take him to the ship now."

  He was mildly surprised at the smoothness with which matters proceeded.He took a young clerk to the ship. He showed him the ship's papers asedited by himself. He took him through the cargo holds. He discussed insome detail what he wished to buy.

  When the clerk left, Thal came to complain again.

  "Look here!" he said bitterly, "we've scrubbed this ship from one endto the other! There's not a speck or a fingermark on it. And we're stillscrubbing! We captured this ship! Is this pirate revels?"

  Hoddan said:

  "There's money coming. I'll let you boys ashore with some cash in yourpockets presently."

  Brokers came, escorted by the lawyer's clerk. They squabbled furiouslywith him. But the dignity of the firm he represented was extreme. Therewas no suspicion--no overt suspicion anyhow--and the furs went. Theclerk painstakingly informed Hoddan that he could draw so much. Morebrokers came. The jewelry went. The lawyer's clerk jotted down figuresand told Hoddan the net. The bulk melacynth was taken over by a group ofbrokers, none of whom could handle it alone.

  Hoddan drew cash and sent his Darthians ashore with a thousand creditsapiece. With bright and shining faces, they headed for the nearest bars.

  "As soon as my ship's loaded," Hoddan told the clerk, "I'll want to getthem out of jail."

  The clerk nodded. He brought salesmen of agricultural machinery.Representatives of microfilm libraries. Manufacturers of generators,vision-tape instructors and allied lines. Hoddan bought, painstakingly.Delivery was promised for the next day.

  "Now," said the clerk, "about the investments you wish to make with thebalance?"

  "I'll want a reasonable sum in cash," said Hoddan reflectively. "But....well ... I've been told that insurance is a fine, conservative business.As I understand it, most insurance organizations are divided intodivisions which are separately incorporated. There will be alife-insurance division, a casualty division, and so on. Is that right?And one may invest in any of them separately?"

  The clerk said impassively:

  "I was given to understand, sir, that you are interested inrisk-insurance. Perhaps especially risk-insurance covering piracy. I wasgiven quotations on the risk-insurance divisions of all Krim companies.Of course those are not very active stocks, but if there were a rumor ofa pirate ship acting in this part of the galaxy, one might anticipate--"

  "I do," said Hoddan. "Let's see. ... My
cargo brought so much....Hm-m-m.... My purchases will come to so much. Hm-m-m.... My legal fees,of course.... I mentioned a sum in cash. Yes. This will be the balance,more or less, which you will put in the stocks you've named, but since Ianticipate activity in them. I'll want to leave some specialinstructions."

  He gave a detailed, thoughtful account of what he anticipated might befound in news reports of later dates. The clerk noted it all down,impassively. Hoddan added instructions.

  "Yes, sir," said the clerk without intonation when he was through. "Ifyou will come to the office in the morning, sir, the papers will bedrawn up and matters can be concluded. Your new cargo can hardly bedelivered before then, and if I may say so, sir, your crew won't beready. I'd estimate two hours of festivity for each man, and fourteenhours for recovery."

  "Thank you," said Hoddan. "I'll see you in the morning."

  * * * * *

  He sealed up the ship when the lawyer's clerk departed. Then he feltlonely. He was the only living thing in the ship. His footsteps echoedhollowly. There was nobody to speak to. Not even anybody to threaten.He'd done a lot of threatening lately.

  He went forlornly to the cabin once occupied by the liner's formerskipper. His loneliness increased. He began to feel those dauntingself-doubts such as plague the most unselfish and conscientious people.His actions to date, of course, did not trouble him. Today's actionswere the ones which bothered his conscience. He felt that they were notquite adequate. The balance left in the lawyer's hands would not benearly enough to cover a certain deficit which in justice he felthimself bound to make up. It had been his thought to make thisenterprise self-liquidating--everybody concerned making a profit,including the owners of the ship and cargo he had pirated. But he wasn'tsure.

  He reflected that his grandfather would not have been disturbed aboutsuch a matter. That elderly pirate would have felt wholly at ease. Itwas his conviction that piracy was an essential part of the working ofthe galaxy's economic system. Hoddan, indeed, could remember him sayingprecisely, snipping off the ends of his words as he spoke:

  "I tell y', piracy's what keeps the galaxy's business thriving!Everybody knows business suffers when retail trade slacks down. It backsup the movement of inventories. They get too big. That backs up ordersto the factories. They lay off men. And when men are laid off they don'thave money to spend, so retail trade slacks off some more, and thatbacks up inventories some more, and that backs up orders to factoriesand makes unemployment and hurts retail trade again. It's a feed-back.See?" It was Hoddan's grandfather's custom, at this point, to stareshrewdly at each of his listeners in turn.

  "But suppose somebody pirates a ship? The owners don't lose. It'sinsured. They order another ship built right away. Men get hired tobuild it and they're paid money to spend in retail trade and that movesinventories and industry picks up. More'n that, more people insureagainst piracy. Insurance companies hire more clerks and bookkeepers.They get more money for retail trade and to move inventories and keepfactories going and get more people hired.... Y'see? It's piracy thatkeeps business in this galaxy goin'!"

  Hoddan had known doubts about this, but it could not be entirely wrong.He'd put a good part of the proceeds of his piracy in risk-insurancestocks, and he counted on them to make all his actions as benevolent toeverybody concerned as his intentions had been, and were. But it mightnot be true enough. It might be less than ... well ... sufficiently truein a particular instance. And therefore--

  Then he saw how things could be worked out so that there could be nodoubt. He began to work out the details. He drifted off to sleep in theact of composing a letter in his head to his grandfather on the pirateplanet Zan.

  When morning came on Krim, catawheel trucks came bringing giganticagricultural machines of a sort that would normally never be shipped byspace freight. There came generators and turbines and tanks of plastic,and vision-tape instructors and great boxes full of tape for them. Therewere machine tools and cutting tips--these last in vast quantity--andvery many items that the emigrants of Colin probably would not expect,and might not even recognize. The cargo holds of the liner filled.

  He went to the office of his attorneys. He read and signed papers, in anatmosphere of great dignity and ethical purpose. The lawyer's clerkattended him to the police office, where seven dreary Darthians withoversized hangovers tried dismally to cheer themselves by memories ofhow they got that way. He got them out and to the ship. The lawyer'sclerk produced a rather weighty if small box with an air of extremesolemnity.

  "The currency you wanted, sir."

  "Thank you," said Hoddan. "That's the last of our business?"

  "Yes, sir," said the clerk. He hesitated, and for the first time showeda trace of human curiosity. "Could I ask a question, sir, about piracy?"

  "Why not?" asked Hoddan. "Go ahead."

  "When you ... ah ... captured this ship, sir," said the clerk hopefully,"did you ... ah ... shoot the men and keep the women?"

  Hoddan sighed.

  "Much," he said regretfully, "as I hate to spoil an enliveningtheory--no. These are modern days. Efficiency has invaded even thepirate business. I used my crew for floor-scrubbing and cookery."

  He closed the ship port gently and went up to the control room to callthe landing grid operators. In minutes the captured liner, loaded downagain, lifted toward the stars.

  * * * * *

  And all the journey back to Darth was as anticlimactic as that. Therewas no trouble finding the space yacht in its remote orbit. Hoddan sentout an unlocking signal, and a keyed transmitter began to send a signalon which to home. When the liner nudged alongside it, Hoddan's lastcontrivance operated and the yacht clung fast to the larger ship's hull.There were four days in overdrive. There were three or four pauses forposition-finding. The stop-over on Krim had cost some delay, but Hoddanarrived back at a positive sight of Darth's sun within a day or so ofstandard space drive direct from Walden. Then there was little or notime lost in getting into orbit with the junk yard space fleet of theemigrants. Shortly thereafter he called the leader's ship with only mildworries about possible disasters that might have happened while he wasaway.

  "Calling the leader's ship," he said crisply. "Calling the leader'sship! This is Bron Hoddan, reporting back from Walden with a ship andmachinery contributed for your use!"

  The harsh voice of the bearded old leader of the emigrants seemedsomehow broken when he replied. He called down blessings on Hoddan, whocould use them. Then there was the matter of getting emigrants on boardthe new ship. They didn't know how to use the boat-blister lifeboattubes. Hoddan had to demonstrate. But shortly after there were twenty,thirty, fifty of the folk from Colin, feverishly searching the ship andincredulously reporting what they found.

  "It's impossible!" said the old man. "It's impossible!"

  "I wouldn't say that," said Hoddan. "It's unlikely, but it's happened.I'm only afraid it's not enough."

  "It is ... many times what we hoped," said the old man humbly. "Only--"He stopped. "We are more grateful than we can say."

  Hoddan took a deep breath.

  "I'd like to take my crew back home," he explained. "And come backand ... well ... perhaps I can be useful explaining things. And I'd liketo ask a great favor of you ... for my own work."

  "But naturally," said the old man. "Of course. We will await yourreturn. Naturally! And ... perhaps we can ... we can arrangesomething--"

  Hoddan was relieved. There did seem a slightly strange limitation to thehappiness of the emigrants. They were passionately rejoiceful over theagricultural machinery. But they seemed rather dutifully than trulyhappy over the microfilm library. The vision-tape instructors were theobjects of polite comment only. Hoddan felt a vague discomfort. Thereseemed to be a sort of secret desperation in the atmosphere, which theywould not admit or mention. But he was coming back. Of course.

  He brought the spaceboat over to the new liner. He hooked onto alifeboat blister and his seven Darthians crawled thr
ough the lifeboattube. Hoddan pulled away quickly before somebody thought to ask whythere were no lifeboats in the places so plainly made for them.

  He headed downward when the landmarks on Darth's surface told him thatDon Loris' castle would shortly come over the horizon. He was justtouching atmosphere when it did. The boat's rocket-tanks had beenrefilled, and he burned fuel recklessly to make a dramatic landingwithin a hundred yards of the battlements where Fani had oncethoughtfully had a coil of rope ready for him.

  Heads peered at the lifeboat over those same battlements now, but thegate was closed. It stayed closed. There was somehow an atmosphere ofsuspicion amounting to enmity. Hoddan felt unwelcome.

  "All right, boys," he said resignedly. "Out with you and to the castle.You've got your loot from the voyage"--he'd counted out for each of themrather more actual cash than any of them really believed in--"and I wantyou to take this box to Don Loris. It's a gift from me. And I wantto--consult with him about co-operation between the two of usin ... ah ... some plans I have. Ask if I may come and talk to him."

  His seven former spearmen tumbled out. They marched gleefully to thecastle gate. Hoddan saw them tantalizingly displaying large sums in cashto the watchers above them. Thal held up the box for Don Loris. It wasthe box the lawyer's clerk had turned over to him, with a tidy sum incash in it. The sum was partly depleted, now. Hoddan had paid off hisinvoluntary crew with it--had paid them, in fact, as if they'd done thefighting they'd expected and he'd thought would be necessary. But therewas still more in it than Don Loris would have gotten from Walden forselling him out.

  The castle gate opened, as if grudgingly. The seven went in. With thebox.

  Time passed. Much time. Hoddan went over the arguments he meant to useon Don Loris. He needed to make up a very great sum, and it could bedone thus-and-so, but thus-and-so required occasional piratical raids,which called for pirate crews, and if Don Loris would encourage hisretainers-- He could have gone to another Darthian chieftain, of course,but he knew what kind of scoundrel Don Loris was. He'd have to find outabout another man.

  * * * * *

  Nearly an hour elapsed before the castle gate opened again. Two files ofspearmen marched out. There were eight men with a sergeant in command.Hoddan did not recognize any of them. They came to the spaceboat. Thesergeant formally presented an official message. Don Loris would admitBron Hoddan to his presence, to hear what he had to say.

  Hoddan felt excessively uncomfortable. Waiting, he'd thought about thatsecret despair in the emigrant fleet. He worried about it. He wasconcerned because Don Loris had not welcomed him with cordiality, nowthat he'd brought back his retainers in good working order. In a suddengloomy premonition, he checked his stun-pistols. They needed charging.He managed it from the lifeboat unit.

  He went forebodingly toward the castle with the eight spearmensurrounding him as cops had once surrounded him on Walden. He did notlike to be reminded of it. He frowned to himself as he went in thecastle gate, and along a long stone passage, and up stone stairs intothe great hall of state. Don Loris, as once before, sat peevishly by thehuge fireplace. This time he was almost inside it, with its hood andmantel actually over his head. The Lady Fani sat there with him.

  Don Loris seemed to put aside his peevishness only a little to greetHoddan.

  "My dear fellow," he said complainingly, "I don't like to welcome youwith reproaches, but do you know that when you absconded with thatspaceboat, you made a mortal enemy for me? It's a fact! My neighbor, onwhose land the boat descended, was deeply hurt. He considered it hisproperty. He had summoned his retainers for a fight over it when I heardof his resentment and partly soothed him with apologies and presents.But he still considers that I should return it to him, whenever youappear here with it!"

  "Oh," said Hoddan. "That's too bad."

  Things looked ominous. The Lady Fani looked at him strangely. As if shetried to tell him something without speaking it. She looked as if shehad wept lately.

  "To be sure," said Don Loris fretfully, "you gave me a very prettypresent just now. But my retainers tell me that you came back with aship. A very fine ship. What became of it? The landing grid has beenrepaired at last and you could have landed it. What happened to it?"

  "I gave it away," said Hoddan. He saw what Fani was trying to tell him.One corridor ... no, two ... leading toward the great hall was filledwith spearmen. His tone turned sardonic. "I gave it to a poor old man."

  Don Loris shook his head.

  "That's not right, Hoddan! That fleet overhead, now. If they are piratesand want some of my men for crews, they should come to me! I don't takekindly to the idea of your kidnaping my men and carrying them off onpiratical excursions! They must be profitable! But if you can afford togive me presents like that, and be so lavish with my retainers ... why Idon't see why--"

  Hoddan grimaced.

  "I came to arrange a deal on that order," he observed.

  "I don't think I like it," said Don Loris peevishly. "I prefer to dealwith people direct. I'll arrange about the landing grid, and for aregular recruiting service which I will conduct, of course. But you ...you are irresponsible! I wish you well, but when you carry my men offfor pirates, and make my neighbors into my enemies, and infect mydaughter with strange notions and the government of a friendly planetasks me in so many words not to shelter you any longer ... why that'sthe end, Hoddan. So with great regret--"

  "The regret is mine," said Hoddan. Thoughtfully, he aimed a stun-pistolat a slowly opening door. He pulled the trigger. Yells followed itshumming, because not everybody it hit was knocked out. Nor did it hiteverybody in the corridor. Men came surging out of one door, and thentwo, to require the attention of his weapons.

  Then a spear went past Hoddan's face and missed him only by inches. Itburied its point in the floor. A whirling knife spun past his nose. Heglanced up. There were balconies all around the great hall, and menpopped up from behind the railings and threw things at him. They poppeddown out of sight instantly. There was no rhythm involved. He could notanticipate their rising, nor shoot them through the balcony front. Andmore men infiltrated the hall, getting behind heavy chairs and tables,to push toward him behind them as shovable shields. More spears andknives flew.

  * * * * *

  "Bron!" cried the Lady Fani, throatily.

  He thought she had an exit for him. He sprang to her side.

  "I ... I didn't want you to come," she wept.

  There was a singular pause in the clangings and clashings of weapons onthe floor. For a second the noises continued. Then they stopped. Thenone man popped up and hurled a knife. The clang of its fall was a verylonely one. Don Loris fairly howled at him.

  "Idiot! Think of the Lady Fani!"

  The Lady Fani suddenly smiled tremulously.

  "Wonderful!" she said. "They don't dare do anything while you're asclose to me as this!"

  "Do you suppose," asked Hoddan, "I could count on that?"

  "I'm certain of it!" said Fani. "And I think you'd better."

  "Then, excuse me," said Hoddan with great politeness.

  He swung her up and over his shoulder. With a stun-pistol in his freehand he headed down the hall.

  "Outside," she said zestfully. "Get out the side door and turn left, andnobody can jump down on your neck. Then left again to the gate."

  He obeyed. Now and again he got in a pot-shot with his pistol. Don Lorishad turned the castle into a very pretty trap. The Lady Fani saidplaintively:

  "This is terribly undignified, and I can't see where we're going. Whereare we now?"

  "Almost at the gate," panted Hoddan. "At it, now." He swung out of themassive entrance to Don Loris' stronghold. "I can put you down now."

  "I wouldn't," said the Lady Fani. "In spite of the end of me that'suppermost, I think you'd better make for the spaceboat exactly as weare."

  Again Hoddan obeyed, racing across the open ground. Howls of furyfollowed him. It was evidently the opinion of t
he castle that the LadyFani was to be abducted in the place of the seven returned spearmen.

  Hoddan, breathing hard, reached the spaceboat. He put Fani down and saidanxiously:

  "You're all right? I'm very much in your debt! I was in a spot!" Then henodded toward the castle. "They are upset, aren't they? They must thinkI mean to kidnap you."

  The Lady Fani beamed.

  "It would be terrible if you did," she said hopefully. "I couldn't do athing to stop you! And a successful public abduction's a legal marriage,on Darth! Wouldn't it be terrible?"

  Hoddan mopped his face and patted her reassuringly on the shoulder.

  "Don't worry!" he said warmly. "You just got me out of an awful fix!You're my friend! And anyhow I'm going to marry a girl on Walden, namedNedda. Good-by, Fani! Keep clear of the rocket blast."

  He went into the boatport, turned to beam paternally back at her, andshut the port behind him. Seconds later the spaceboat took off. It leftbehind clouds of rocket smoke.

  And, though Hoddan hadn't the faintest idea of it, it left behind themaddest girl in several solar systems.