Kingston Bridge

by Ian Todd

  Too bloody true, she wanted tae shout at the snake, bit of course, she didnae. She jist put oan the maist charming warm smile she could muster under the circumstances and looked intae they snake’s eyes.

  “Aye. Ah’ve a good friend who allows her closest friends, like me, tae borrow aw the latest designer gear coming oot ae the European fashion hooses. She uses us as walking clothes-horses, so she dis,” she replied modestly, smiling.

  Two kin play at that game, Snake-Eye, she thought tae hersel, as Hugh McAllen and Hamish McGovern tucked their drooling tongues back intae they gubs ae theirs, picking up their files, as Cleopatra and Inspector Skulk swiftly exited the room.

  “See ye in the dock ae The High Court, bitch,” she murmured, as Hamish and The Brief followed close oan her heels.

  Chapter Forty One

  “Ye’re no gonnae be driving, wae me sitting here being deafened wae that 8 track blasting aw the way up the road, ur ye?” Senga turned and shouted in his lug, reaching across and turning the volume doon.

  “Whit ur ye daeing? It’s ‘Free Bird.’ Ye cannae sit and listen tae Lynyrd Skynyrd wae the volume turned doon low.”

  “Ah don’t care if it’s Captain Birds Eye, Ah’m no listening tae your choice ae music aw the way up the road tae Inverness. Whit else hiv ye goat in that bag ye took?”

  “Look, let’s get something straight here. There’s only wan driver and wan deejay in this car, and that’s me. If you wanted me tae bring shite like ‘That’s The Way Ah Like It,’ by K C and the Sunshine Shite Band, then ye should’ve said and Ah wid’ve goat some fae Baby’s stalls doon at The Barras.”

  “Whit’s wrang wae KC and The Sunshine Band like?”

  “Piss aff, Senga. You’re as bad as that Pat wan. Ah wis roond there oan Tuesday morning and him and that Paula wur sitting listening tae ‘Ah Will Survive’ blasting oot ae the speakers. Ah will survive? Christ, Ah didnae know where tae look, it wis that embarrassing. The pair ae them wur sitting there mouthing the words tae each other across the tap ae their cups, totally ignoring me. Ah wanted tae puke up, so Ah did. The stupid basturt wis only daeing three years and wis known by everywan as Mr Bleat doon in Dumfries, so he wis, wae the amount ae girning that came oot ae him. It wid’ve been Mr Nae Mates, if Tony and Snappy hidnae been convicted wae him.”

  “Ah Will Survive? Aw, dis that no sound romantic? Why dae we no dae that kind ae stuff, like sing alang tae songs thegither o’er a cup ae coffee?”

  “Because Ah hate coffee and your taste in music is as bad as theirs. You’re intae disco shite while mine’s is pure dead brilliant, so it is. Ah’ve telt ye before, apart fae me being something else in bed and you totally loving it, we’re totally incompatible, so we ur,” he exaggerated, before the baith ae them burst intae hysterics. “Ah hope that laughter’s because ye find me funny and his nothing tae dae wae ma prowess as a lover.”

  “Prowess…as a lover? Whit the hell dis prowess as a lover mean? Christ, Johnboy. Honest tae God, half the time Ah’m convinced you genuinely don’t realise how funny ye ur.”

  “Ah’ll take that as a compliment,” he said, smiling. “You’re so lucky that we complement each other’s good nature. Ah mean, look at Tony and Kim Sui. Christ, whit’s aw that aboot?”

  “Johnboy, if Ah wis looking fur somewan that compliments ma good nature and personality, Ah certainly widnae be sitting here wae somewan like you, that’s fur sure.”

  “Aye, so you say. And that embarrassing crap blasting oot ae the living room the other morning there? Whit the hell wis aw that aboot? Ah jist hope the neighbours don’t think that it wis me. Poor Mr Hopkins jist aboot pished himsel oan your side ae the bed, so he did.”

  “Doooo the Spanish hussell,” she sang, haudin her erms oot towards the windscreen, wavering they fingers ae hers at the drivers flying past oan the other side ae the road.

  “Dae the Spanish hustle?” he asked, turning and looking at her, grinning.

  “By The Fatback Band.”

  “Dae ye no mean The Fat Brass Neck Band?”

  “Brilliant, so they ur,” she continued, ignoring the slander. “Ah’ve started tae dance exercise tae them when you’re no hinging aboot, upsetting me. Seemingly, it’s aw the rage in America jist noo. Wan ae the lassies at work even goat a mirror put up in her bedroom tae watch hersel grooving, although Ah widnae go that far.”

  “Is that whit she claimed it wis fur?”

  “Ah jist love the brass and the electric organ in it,” she continued, ignoring the sexual innuendo. “Doooo the Spanish hussell,” she sang, louder this time, before being rudely interrupted as he pressed the play button and ‘Get it Oan,’ by T-Rex droont that voice ae hers oot.

  “Senga, you and me ur gonnae hiv tae hiv a serious talk, so we ur…aye…and soon,” he warned her, drapping a gear before putting his fit doon and overtaking a lorry, as she held oan tae the door handle.

  “Well, that’ll be a first,” she mocked, turning the volume back doon.

  “Ah’m serious. Ye cannae be gaun aboot listening tae shite like that. It’ll be like being back in the jail wae that Pat again, so it will. It’s bloody contagious that kind ae stuff, so it is.”

  “Contagious? Johnboy, whit the hell ur ye oan aboot?”

  “That shite. Ah’ve been humming ‘Ah Will Survive,’ fur the past few days non-stoap because ae that big skinny dreep, so Ah hiv.”

  “So, whit dae ye think then?” Tony asked Simon, as the baith ae them turned and peered oot the back windae, doon Water Row, towards the fenced-aff auld slipway.

  “It’s a pity they don’t run the ferry noo. We could’ve timed it so’s we wid’ve been oan the other side, straight oan tae The Broomielaw and alang tae Greasy Jake’s. Wid’ve saved us heaps ae hassle.”

  “Whit if it wis five minutes late or left early?”

  “We could’ve goat Pat or Baby tae put a gun tae the captain’s head.”

  “Fuck, that wid’ve been risky. Ah think Johnboy and Silent managed tae get across oan it, back in the sixties, bit the plods wur waiting fur them oan the other side, so they wur. Did ye know that Johnboy, closely followed by Silent, held the record fur getting his arse belted during aw the time we wur in Thistle Park?”

  “Serves the diddy right. He kin be an obstinate basturt when he starts. That underground is busy at this time ae the morning, so it is. Look at the crowd coming oot ae Greenhaugh Street,” Simon said, nodding, as a large group ae people spilled oot oan tae the pavement across fae them.

  “It’s Govan Road, remember? Parly Road wis always like this. Busy fae first thing in the morning till last thing at night. The trains fae the subway arrive every couple ae minutes, so we’ll jist hiv tae deal wae the fact that there’s gonnae be people oan the go. Hauf ae Govan use them tae get tae their work in the toon centre. Look at the grocer’s shoap across the road there as well. Christ, even the wee guy selling whelks aff ae that barrow ae his, his them queueing up. If it wisnae so dangerous fur people like us, Ah wid’ve invested in some flats across here. Anyway, people gaun aboot their business shouldnae be a problem, jist so long as some stupid do-gooder hero disnae get it intae his heid tae try and hiv a go.”

  “Okay, here we go,” Simon announced, straightening in his seat, as the Merc shot past them and swiftly drew up tae the pavement across tae their left, opposite The Govan Arms and the two back seat passengers exited fae either side ae it.

  Silence.

  They sat amused, watching Papa McGregor and Victor Ruth practicing the Green Cross Code, as they hesitantly crossed the busy road, the silver Merc disappearing jist as quickly as it hid arrived.

  “Pity,” Simon murmured, as the sound ae the Cortina slamming oan its brakes reached them and Victor Ruth made tae go and hiv words wae the driver, before The Wan Erm Bandit himsel pulled him back wae his good haun and the baith ae them carried oan their way, scowling at the white-faced frightened driver.

  Simon hid his wrist resting oan the steering wheel, glancing between the jaywalkers and th
e face ae his watch. Some dodgy looking guy, who’d jist turned oot ae Greenhaugh Street, spoke tae them oan the way past. They couldnae hear whit wis being said fur the noise ae the traffic, bit the laughing response reached them, as the bears diagonally crossed the pavement and disappeared through the glass fronted door ae The West Café. Fae where they wur sitting, they clocked Ruth saying something tae the guy behind the coonter before grabbing the table by the windae. They assumed Papa hid heided straight tae the lavvy fur his usual ritual ae hivving his morning shite and a read ae the paper before tackling his two well-fired rolls and square sausage. It wis difficult tae make oot movement oan the inside because ae the angle ae where they wur parked up and the reflection ae the light fae the leaden, grey sky oan the front windae.

  “Wan and a half minutes. The same as every other day,” Simon said. “Plus, we need tae add oan fifteen minutes, tae be oan the safe side, tae gie him time tae read his Glesga Echo while hivving his crap.”

  Silence.

  “It’ll need tae be done in the café itsel,” Tony finally said, sounding as if a decision hid jist been made, as he followed the traffic up and doon the road, before his eyes settled back oan the café door.

  “Why?”

  “Ur you joking?”

  “Ah know why it needs tae be done in the café, bit Ah jist want tae hear why you think so tae,” Simon replied, as the pair ae them sat, continuing tae watch the coming and gauns ae people gaun aboot their business.

  “Well, we could always shoot the basturts oan the way past when they’re crossing the road, Ah suppose, bit the roar ae the engines might alert them. There’s also a fair chance somewan else might cop a stray bullet. If we try and take them oan the pavement, at least wan ae them might be able tae make a run fur it or shield themsels behind some innocent. Papa is the main target, so he is. He takes tap priority o’er Ruth. It wid also expose us tae aw the witnesses coming and gaun,” Tony said, nodding at the group ae school weans, chasing each other, dodging in and oot between the pedestrians’ legs, before disappearing intae Greenhaugh Street. “Nah, there’s too much people coming oot oan tae the pavement fae the subway. Wance we go in through the front door ae the cafe, they’re goosed. There’s naewhere else fur them tae run tae.”

  “That cafe’s a right wee money-maker, at this time ae the morning, so it is. Maybe we should put in a square sausage order fur oorsels while we’re at it,” Simon suggested, as the baith ae them chuckled.

  “Aye, well, wance we start blasting away, Ah cannae see the poor basturt oan the frying pan behind the coonter wanting tae take any orders fae the likes ae us fur at least a fortnight, believe you me, Simon.”

  “Aye, it’ll take mair than a haunful ae Persil tae clean they drawers ae his, so it will.”

  “So, Dumfries?”

  “Whit aboot it?”

  “Tell me aboot it.”

  “There’s nothing much tae tell ye that Ah never mentioned in ma letters. It wis jist another shitehole ae a place tae dae time in.”

  “Aye, bit yer letters wur censored. Ye couldnae talk aboot things that went oan.”

  “Ah goat up in the morning and went tae work. First in the sewing machine shoap and then later oan in the painting and decorating shoap. Efter tea, Ah watched a bit ae telly and wis in bed by nine o’clock, before repeating it aw o’er again the next day and the day efter that.”

  “Aye, bit ye wur in solitary confinement a lot, so ye wur. Whit wis that fur?”

  “The usual shite, like gieing cheek tae petty Hitlers. Ah wisnae in the digger a lot. It probably jist seemed that way in ma letters.”

  “Bit ye wurnae allowed tae write when ye wur in solitary. That’s how Ah knew when they’d locked ye away.”

  “Aye, that’s true. Bit, then again, Ah wis probably using the digger as an excuse when Ah couldnae be arsed writing tae you because Ah knew ye’d jist assume Ah wis in the digger,” he claimed, smiling.

  “Seriously?” she asked, biting, sitting up and looking at him.

  “Nah, Ah’m only kidding.”

  “Naw, seriously, Johnboy? Ye didnae dae that tae me…did ye?”

  “Ah’ve jist telt ye Ah didnae,” he replied, laughing.

  “So, ye did spend a lot ae time in solitary confinement then.” she said satisfied, sitting back, sounding convinced.

  “So, hiv ye decided who’s daeing the business then?” Simon asked.

  “You and me.”

  Silence.

  “Whit?”

  “Nothing.”

  “C’mone Simon, don’t be shy noo. Spit it oot.”

  “So, you’ll be the wan tae tell Ben then?”

  “Ach, don’t start aw that shite.”

  “Ah’m jist saying.”

  “Naw, ye’re no jist saying. Ye’re jist fucking trying tae noise me up, so ye ur. Whit Ah say goes. Ah’m bloody sick ae they bampots fucking aboot. We widnae be sitting here if youse hid nipped Snappy in the bud wae aw that ‘This is a stick-up’ crap. Remember?”

  “Fine.”

  “Look, Ben, like everywan else, will jist dae as he’s telt.”

  “Ben went through school wae Snappy and Peter.”

  “So?”

  “So, Ah’m jist saying.”

  “Naw, ye’re no jist saying. This his goat fuck aw tae dae wae youse coming fae Springburn. Ye’ve never heard us casting up that we came fae the Toonheid.”

  “Nae bother. Ah hear where ye’re coming fae.”

  “Right, okay then, Ben kin take your place.”

  “Ah went through school wae them as well, remember?” Simon said, smiling.

  “Ah don’t fucking believe you. Right, maybe Ah should jist sit at hame. Is that whit ye’re saying?”

  “Naw, that’s no whit Ah’m saying. Whit Ah’m saying is that if Jake and Ben urnae at the front ae the queue, then it’ll be a bloody nightmare between noo and when Wan-bob and Charlie Hastie’s trial starts. Is that whit ye really want? Aw that fucking whining? Ah’m jist trying tae be a wee bit sensitive here...fur oor sakes.”

  “Ooh, look. Is that…”

  “Horses?”

  “Naw, no bloody horses! See you? Oh my God, Johnboy,” Senga squealed in amazement. “That’s a herd ae real wild deer, so it is. Look at that big wan wae the horns. Dis this no inspire ye?”

  “Eh?”

  “This!” she shouted, gieing him a slap oan the back ae his heid, before pointing oot the windae towards the snow-capped mountains.

  “Oh, aye, of course it dis…freezing snow,” he sniffed unconvincingly, as they baith laughed.

  “Listen, don’t try and fool me, pal. You’re jist as excited as me, so ye ur.”

  “Aye, if you say so,” he drawled.

  “So, Fanny Flaw.”

  “Whit aboot her?”

  “She seemed awfully fond ae ye, so she did.”

  “Fur a social worker.”

  “Whit’s that supposed tae mean?”

  “It means as a YO, she stupidly believed she could change somewan like me intae something Ah wisnae, including how tae conduct masel, while expecting me tae be jumping through the wee hoops she thought up, sitting up there in her ivory tower.”

  “That’s a bit cynical, is it no?”

  “Maybe, bit it’s the truth. Be honest noo. Dae you believe, fur wan minute, that somewan like Fanny Flaw could change somewan like me in a million years?” he scoffed.

  “Well, she goat Tony, Snappy and Pat parole, so she couldnae hiv been aw that bad.”

  “That’s no whit Ah’m oan aboot. We’re talking aboot rehabilitation here…real change. Whether somewan like her accepts it or no, if a person disnae want tae change, then they wullnae.”

  “So, ye’re saying she hid absolutely nothing tae dae wae you changing your ways then?”

  “See, that’s why Ah don’t want tae talk tae ye aboot Dumfries, Senga. Of course she hid nothing tae dae wae me changing. Until somewan wants tae change, they won’t. Fur some people it takes years, while fur others it
kin be like a Road Tae Damascus experience. Where somewan like Fanny could be handy, Ah suppose, is by being there tae try and help the few people who arrive at that stage by themsels or who ur working the system, which is totally acceptable, by the way. Ah never went tae her fur anything.”

  “Bit, you’re no denying how well meaning and how good a person she wis?”

  “Senga, let’s change the subject. People like Fanny Flaw, whether they’ll admit tae it or no, ur aw jist part ae the same shitty con system. Aye, they kin help somewan tae wangle an extra visit or get an extra letter tae help somewan keep in contact wae a sick family member, bit until they’re no identified as being part ae the same fucked-up corrupt system and structure as the screws, then they’ll get naewhere. Christ, it isnae rocket science. Ye know, before Ah left, they wur talking aboot screws becoming some sort ae buddy support pals tae YOs. Kin ye believe that? If it wis difficult fur somewan like Fanny Flaw, how the fuck a screw wis supposed tae get in there is anybody’s guess. Whoever thought that wan up should’ve been sectioned. Who the hell in their right mind wid sit doon and pour oot how they wur truly feeling tae a numpty screw who’d left school, efter probably getting his play-piece taken aff him every single day ae his life and ended up wandering aboot in a uniform, wae a set ae jangling keys, no bloody knowing whit time ae day it wis? Trust me. Ah know whit Ah’m talking aboot. It’s jist another mind game, a con, that vulnerable, short term jakey prisoners will probably fall fur and anywan wae any sense, apart fae stoat-the-baws, will tell them tae fuck aff.”

  “You sound really bitter, so ye dae.”

  “Aye, well, so dae Ah,” he replied, pulling oot tae overtake another lorry.

  “Routes. Ur we gaun wae Pat’s suggestion?”

  “Naw. Ah think we need tae split up oan this wan.”

  “Why?”

  “Wan ae us heids alang Govan Road towards Helen Street, then doon through the Clyde tunnel, while the other wan heids fur The Kingston Bridge. That way, if there’s a chase, it’ll confuse them,” Tony said.