Kingston Bridge

by Ian Todd

  “Pat won’t be happy. He’s been pouring o’er that street map, as if he’s planning the great escape, so he his.”

  “Fuck Pat. At least it’s gied him something tae dae while keeping oot ae oor road,” Tony said, smiling.

  “So, hiv we agreed that Ben and Jake will dae the biz then?”

  “Aye, bit Jake’s wae you. Ah don’t want that moaning basturt whining in that lug ae mine,” Tony agreed, as Simon laughed.

  “Fine. You kin dae the honours ae informing Pat that ye’ve been slinging him a deafy while he’s been oot and aboot this past wee while, mapping oot a duff route.”

  “This hoose? Explain whit the score is again.”

  “A colleague ae Pat Broon’s moved doon tae the toon a few years ago. It used tae be her ma’s until she died a couple ae weeks before Christmas. So, it’s only been lying empty a wee while. It’s goat two bedrooms upstairs, a living room and a sitting room at the front and a kitchen at the back. Ah think there’s also a separate room aff the kitchen where the washing machine and a spare sink is. There’s a couple ae sheds ootside as well. Angelina, that’s the community nurse, says that wae a wee lick ae paint oan the ceilings and the walls, it’ll look nice and cosy.”

  “And there’s furniture in it as well?”

  “Aye. Everything’s included. Apparently, we won’t need a thing, other than oor ain clothes and bedding.”

  “Fur thirty quid a month? It sounds cheap, so it dis…whit’s wrang wae it?”

  “There’s nothing wrang wae it. It’s the Highlands. There isnae a lot ae people aboot up there looking fur hooses. Look, it’ll dae us until we get settled in. If ye don’t like it, we kin look aboot fur somewhere else. And another thing. Ah don’t think there’s many neighbours oan the go, so ye kin blast yer music tae yer hearts content...while Ah’m at work.”

  “So, is it a bungalow then?”

  “Cottage.”

  “Whit’s the difference?”

  “Ah don’t know…Ah think a bungalow is aw oan the wan flair. The bedrooms in this place ur upstairs.”

  “Why did ye no go and see it when ye wur up there? It wid’ve saved us a lot ae hassle.”

  “It wid’ve saved you a lot ae hassle, ye mean. Ah hidnae been offered the job at the time. We wur getting shown aboot the areas where the vacancies wur. It wis only when Ah spoke tae Pat that she mentioned the hoose. Ah also widnae hiv felt comfortable if you hidnae seen it before moving up.”

  “How far fae civilisation?”

  “Ah think it’s aboot four or five miles fae the nearest toon, or settlement, as they call it. Why?”

  “Why? Because when you’re oot and aboot, changing auld guys’ shitey nappies, Ah’ll be stuck oot there oan ma lonesome withoot a set ae wheels…well, me and Mr Hopkins will.”

  “Ah’ve awready telt ye. We don’t need a car. Ah’ll hiv a car wae ma work that we’re allowed tae use. And another thing, while we’re oan the subject, Ah thought you said that ye wur gaun tae find oot whit’s happening wae Collette James’s cat fae that auld neighbour ae hers doon the stairs?”

  “Ah did,” he lied. “She telt me she’s no back fae the funny farm yet.”

  “Well, we cannae take the cat unless we get the go-aheid. Fae the way Collette spoke aboot him tae me, it wis clear that she wis really fond ae him.”

  “Don’t you worry. Given the choice, Mr Hopkins will be wanting tae come wae us, especially efter the five star treatment he’s been getting fae me since he wis invited tae stay.”

  “So, whit kind ae wheels ur we using?”

  “See if ye kin get us a couple ae Honda MT250 dirt bikes.”

  “Ur they no two-strokes?”

  “Aye, bit they kin shift like shite aff a shovel. Plus, they’ll get us through the traffic if we’ve goat a tail up oor arses. Remember, it’ll be rush hour at that time ae the morning. They’ll be a lot mair nimble, nipping in and oot ae the flow ae traffic.”

  “Whit if we cannae get Hondas?”

  “A pair ae Yamaha dt 250s wid dae jist as well.”

  “The Clyde Tunnel or Kingston Bridge?” Simon asked him.

  “You choose.”

  “Ah’ll take the tunnel and heid up towards Crow Road oan the other side, before doubling back doon tae Jake’s. Ah don’t fancy heidin across the toon at that time ae the morning. There’s mair chance ae coming across traffic cops oan the M80 and the bridge.”

  “Mind and get good quality open-faced helmets, so we kin communicate oan the bike. We kin wrap scarfs roond oor faces.”

  “So, the writing?”

  “Whit writing?”

  “That number wan best seller that ye keep threatening me wae?”

  “Dae Ah detect a wee bit ae cynicism there? Ah thought that wis meant tae be ma party piece?”

  “Don’t change the subject, Johnboy. Whit’s happening in the writing stakes?”

  “Nothing’s happening. Ah’m still figuring oot the story in ma heid.”

  “So, it’s the painting and decorating game, is it?”

  “Naw, it isnae the painting and decorating game. Ye said so yersel, this place will need a coat ae paint.”

  “Aye, bit efter that?”

  “Look, Ah telt ye. Ah’m gonnae be busy writing ma book.”

  “Johnboy, if you go and get a job as a painter and decorator, it’ll show me that you’re committed tae this enterprise, so it will.”

  “Enterprise? Christ, ye’re starting tae sound like Snappy, so ye ur. He wis always oan aboot enterprises. See where that goat him?”

  “Ah…Ah spoke tae a few ae the locals.”

  “So?”

  “They asked if Ah hid a man…a husband. They sounded awfully God-fearing, so they did.”

  “How dae ye know it wisnae you that they wur feart ae? You being a young thing and aw that?”

  “It wis actually quite embarrassing, so it wis,” she continued, ignoring the cheek. “Ah telt them ye wur a painter.

  ‘Oh, an artist?’ the first auld bird said, clearly no impressed.

  Ah didnae hiv the heart tae tell her that Ah meant painting and decorating. Ah also telt her that ye wur a writer. Ah’m convinced she thought Ah wis fae another planet.

  ‘Oh, an author?’ her pal chimed in, equally as impressed as her pal.”

  “Bit Ah am an author…or will be.”

  “Naw, ye’re no, Johnboy. Ye’re a bloody chancer. Why could ye no hiv signed oan like everywan else, eh?”

  “Hoi, Ah take umbrage at the bloody cheek Ah’m hivving tae put up wae, and me the driver tae,” he snorted, as she slipped her haun intae his and smiled. “People like me don’t sign oan, so they don’t.”

  “Ye’re gonnae end up a non-person, like some wisp ae air, so ye ur.”

  “Believe you me, Senga, that’s exactly whit Ah’m efter.”

  “Where tae noo?” Simon asked, efter they’d sat fur a further fifteen minutes, listening tae the radio, efter watching Papa and Victor Ruth dancing the auld fandango across the pavement and being picked up by the same car.

  “Let’s go o’er the new routes.”

  “Whit ur we daeing aboot Midnight Bob and that talkative pal ae his?”

  “Let’s leave that fur another day.”

  “Fine,” he agreed, switching oan the engine, as ‘Keep Oan Running’ jumped oot ae the speakers oan the door carbs.

  “So, nae word oan the polis catching the people responsible fur Peter and Snappy’s murder then?”

  “There’s some female inspector oan the case. Fucking hopeless, by aw accounts. Her and a sergeant, another female, ur supposed tae be oot there tracking whoever done it. Ah widnae haud yer breath though.”

  “That’s a bit sexist.”

  “Whit is?”

  “Pointing oot that the inspector and sergeant ur wummin. Ah bet ye widnae hiv said that if they wur men.”

  “Aye, ye’re right. Ah wid’ve called them a pair ae useless wanking fuckers, bit Ah decided tae be polite and respectful, because Ah k
now how sensitive you kin be when Ah refer tae wummin as useless.”

  “You jist don’t get it, dae ye?”

  “Look, we’ve been o’er that discussion a million times. Ah’m no the enemy. Ah know the lyrics aff by heart. Wummin don’t get the respect they’re due. That’s why they earn less than men fur daeing the same job. Wummin ur jist as clever, if no cleverer than men, bit because ae their sex, they don’t get equal recognition and respect.”

  “Oh, piss off, Johnboy. That’s no funny. Ah get enough ae that crap at ma work, so Ah dae.”

  “Well, maybe if ye stoap dissecting or trying, bit failing miserably, tae interpret whit ye think Ah’m saying and listen, then ye’ll maybe no get yer knickers in a twist hauf the time.”

  Silence.

  “Ah cannae believe you jist said that.”

  “Fuck, it’s busy,” Simon grumbled, looking up the Clyde towards Partick, as the flow ae cars slowly snaked across the Kingston Bridge fae the south side ae the river.

  “That’s why it’s better fur us tae be oan the back ae bikes. We’ll be able tae nip through aw this. Ye better get in tae the left lane,” Tony reminded him, nodding towards the Charing Cross slipway sign.

  “Did ye tell Pearl that Cleopatra lives in The Mansions?”

  “Naw. If The McGregors decide tae hiv a pop at her, Ah widnae want Pearl tae think it wis anything tae dae wae us,” Tony replied, eyeing up the two bizzy sergeants, sitting in the squad car that hid jist drawn up beside them.

  “So, whit’s yer thinking there?”

  “Well, ye heard her yersel. According tae Pearl, Cleopatra is the smoking gun that connects the seniors in the polis tae the ex WPCs’ letters in the cover-up. Teddy Bare daeing in his wife jist conveniently brought everything oot intae the open.”

  “So, will that come oot in the trial?”

  “The dilemma fur Pearl is that if she exposes Cleopatra, then there’s a good chance that her ma and the other Jeely Piece sanny wummin will be exposed tae. It wis them that blagged that file oot ae The Cove, doon in Pitt Street, remember? Ah think she’s scurrying aboot, trying tae see if she kin pin anything oan wan ae the big boys like Bison and Mackerel.”

  “Ha, ha.”

  “Aye, Ah know. Efter we gied them a second chance and them getting back oan their feet efter poisoning that Duggie Dougan prick and Mrs Purple, here’s Pearl coming alang and dumping her maw and the rest ae them back intae the stagnating pail ae shite.”

  “Ach, it’ll tober Pearl up and keep her oan her toes, so it will. Some ae the lassies think she spent too long up there in the Highlands. Elspeth likes her though. Ye should’ve telt her tae go back and speak tae Donna The Prima Donna. She’ll keep her right.”

  “Ah did, bit it wis obvious that she’d been there and back.”

  “So, whit eventually happened tae the letters then?”

  “According tae Pearl, efter the wee WPC that goat raped in the bog across in the Gorbals handed them across tae Mr Hopkins owner, she then clocked the stupid cow handing them across tae Cleopatra a few weeks later up at the same spot at the canal. She must’ve been carrying them aboot in her bag or something. Cleopatra wis then spotted haunin them across tae wan ae her sergeants before getting back intae the back ae her car.”

  “Fuck, ye couldnae make this up, so ye couldnae,” Simon said, smiling.

  “Efter that, who knows?”

  “Aye, bit that’s them gone furever.”

  “It looks like it. Whit clearly wisnae in the plan wis the ex-WPC plodettes agreeing tae come back wae fresh statements. That’ll teach Cleopatra no tae coont her chickens before they’re hatched in a place like the toon, the stupid cow.”

  “And they two sergeants who set aboot Pearl doon in Hanover Lane?”

  “Healy and Carmichael, Wan-bob said their names wur. They’re based o’er in Craigie Street. Well-known sadistic shitehooses, so they ur. Big fuckers as well.”

  “And?”

  “And, Ah’m working oan it.”

  “So, whit’s the latest oan John The Haun?”

  “Ah hivnae heard back fae Wan-bob. Ah wisnae expecting tae either. Oor job wis tae provide him wae an address. He’s goat his address, so fuck him. We’ve done oor bit, as far as Ah’m concerned. Ah pointed oot that wee fact in ma pass-note tae the auld fucker.”

  “It’ll take something tae get their hauns oan him, so it will. The protection squad will be well tooled up, so they will.”

  “Aye, well, that’s Wan-bob’s problem.”

  “Back tae Johnboy.”

  “Whit aboot him?”

  “Ah couldnae believe it when he telt me he wis heidin up north tae check oot a hoose wae Senga. Ye don’t think he’s serious aboot moving up tae the Highlands, dae ye?”

  “Ah’m no sure. He’s keeping it quiet. He says he hisnae made up his mind, the stupid basturt.”

  “Why ur ye no in there?”

  “Because that’s no how he works. You should know that. He his tae make up his ain mind, that’s why. Despite whit Senga believes, it his tae come fae him. It’s obvious that he’s leaving his options open. He’s always operated like that, even as a snapper, so he his. He likes tae keep his feet in two camps, so that when he finally makes up his mind, the transition’s smooth. He’ll hiv been weighing the pros and cons up in that flat ae his. Ye kin always tell wae him. It’s when he starts being snippy, finding faults wae everything. It means he’s probably awready made up his mind, bit he’ll still challenge everything and everywan roond aboot him looking fur faults tae gie him an oot if he changes his mind. He’ll move when he’s ready and neither me nor Senga will be able tae force him intae daeing whit he disnae want tae dae. The only problem fur us is that she’s goat the advantage since she moved in tae his pad, oot ae the blue. She done that deliberately tae noise me up, so she did,”

  “Did it work?”

  “Ah wis fucking raging wae him fur allowing it tae happen in the first place. It wisnae jist youse that wur annoyed. If he decides tae be wae her, then there’s fuck aw Ah’ll be able tae dae or say that’ll make him change his mind. The only hope is that she tries tae force his haun. That’s when he kin be a stubborn basturt. Remember, she wis the wan that wis getting intae his heid by writing tae him and gaun doon tae visit him in Dumfries, efter we goat libbed. She’s as slippery as a wet bar ae soap is Senga. Youse only knew her as a teenager at school. Even as a wean, she wis as manipulative as fuck, particularly when it came tae Johnboy. Ah used tae deliberately sabotage her wee plans, when Ah knew she wis trying tae get Johnboy away fae us. Ah knew that it wid upset her.”

  “Used tae?”

  “Ah’m talking aboot when we wur snappers at primary school back in the Toonheid. Obviously, Ah used tae deliberately hijack her wee plans when we wur aulder as well, efter us Mankys arrived up in Springburn and met youse plonkers. Ah couldnae help masel,” he admitted, chortling. “And as fur that sleekit wee hunch-back God man? There wis a right wee manipulative fucker as well. If it wisnae fur that humph ae his, Snappy wid’ve hid a go at him well before Johnboy ever goat in tow wae him. Ah hid tae warn Snappy tae back aff mair than a few times. It wid certainly make life a lot easier if Silent wis here. He’d sort Johnboy oot, bit seeing as he isnae, Ah’ll jist hiv tae go wae the flow meantime and hope Senga fucks up as she did in the past.”

  “So, none ae The Mankys know where we’re gaun the day then?”

  “Senga, Ah don’t know where the hell Ah’m gaun. Christ, look at the snow in the fields and the black clouds gathering above they mountains,” he girned, peering oot the tap ae the windscreen.

  “Ah’m no sure Ah’m comfortable wae Simon wandering aboot the flat when we’re no there.”

  “Why? He’s only feeding the bloody cat and changing the litter tray if it needs it…in between hivving a wee shifty through yer knicker drawer.”

  “Ah hate you!” she shouted, howling in disgust as he laughed.

  “He’ll also spend a bit ae time wae Mr Hopkins. They get oan well
thegither.”

  “Johnboy, Mr Hopkins is a cat.”

  “So?”

  “So, irrespective ae who walks in through that front door tae feed him, he’ll purr away as per usual. That’s whit cats dae.”

  “Since when hiv you become a cat expert aw ae a sudden? Why dis he no purr when you arrive oan the scene then?”

  Silence.

  “Ah’ll tell ye why. He knows fine well ye don’t bloody like him.”

  “You’re as bad as the cat, so ye ur.”

  “Ah’m telling ye. Cats ur smart. They soon sense if there’s an enemy within…and as far as he’s concerned, you’re public enemy number wan, so ye ur. Whit wis that last sign we jist passed?”

  “Pitlochry.”

  “Dae ye want tae stoap fur something tae eat?”

  “Naw. It’s starting snowing again. We better keep gaun. Ah made up sandwiches, remember? Ah took a flask ae tea as well.”

  “They wurnae in that blue bag by any chance, wur they?”

  “Aye, why?”

  “It’s a big day the day fur Pearl and Lizzie, so it is…and me, Ah suppose, when Ah come tae think aboot it,” Senga mused, breaking intae his thoughts.

  “Why, whit’s happening the day like?”

  “Ur you hivving me oan, Johnboy? Ah telt ye a week ago.”

  “Okay, so tell me again then. Ah’m stressed oot wae the thought ae aw this moving carry-oan.”

  “Oh, stoap being so dramatic,” she said, dismissively. “Ah telt ye. Pearl’s moving intae the flat wae Lizzie. Remember?”

  “Is she? You never telt me that.”

  “Ah did so. Anyway, Ah’m glad it’s Pearl and no somewan else.”

  “So, why is it a big day fur you as well? Or is that whit youse lassies dae? Wan his a big day, so the others hiv tae join in, so they don’t feel left oot?” he asked, as she burst oot laughing.

  “Ah’m no biting, Johnboy, so ye kin furget it.”

  “Naw, seriously, c’mone. Spit it oot?”

  “It’s a big day fur me because it means Ah’ve given up ma flat…ma independence…moved oan, fur a boy, so it dis. That wis ma first flat efter moving oot ae ma ma’s,” she reminded him, turning tae look at him, her eyes misting up.