Then, Now, Always

by Mona Shroff

  As he started the car, she breathed deeply in an attempt to gather herself and failed miserably when she was filled with his clean scent mixed perfectly with something that was uniquely Sam. Say something! “Nice handling of my uncle.”

  Sam wrinkled his brow. “I wasn’t ‘handling’ him. My dad really did remember him.” He gave her a crooked smile. “And besides, he’s ‘in charge’ of you this summer, right?”

  Maya nodded.

  “Well, I’m really hoping this isn’t our last date.”

  Heat rushed to her face, making her sweat despite the air-conditioning.

  On the ride over, Sam explained that Merriweather Post Pavilion was an outdoor concert venue and that over the years, any number of big and little bands had passed through. He had seen at least one concert there every summer for as long as he could remember. He told Maya that the best times had been when his brother was still alive and the two of them, along with their parents, would bring a picnic and enjoy the lawn seats.

  When they arrived, Maya got out and leaned around to peek in the trunk. “You packed a picnic?” She grinned at him. “Impressive.”

  “I’m trying.” His smile was almost as shy as it was proud.

  Her heart did a little flip at the idea that he was still trying to impress her. No one had cared enough before to bother. She got lost in the grace and strength of his movement. He caught her staring again and raised an eyebrow at her. She snapped out of it and grabbed the blankets, hoping that the heat that rushed to her face didn’t show.

  The evening was warm without being humid, but a breeze would have been nice. They laid out their blankets and opened a couple beers, just in time for the first notes of the opening band. Sounds of laughter and people singing drifted in the air. Cigarette smoke wafted from all around and mixed with the scent of grilling meat and the sugary-fried aroma of deep-fried funnel cake. A group of what appeared to be high school kids in the audience were singing an Ace of Base song about it being a beautiful life. At that moment, it really was.

  Maya sat side by side with Sam. He was close enough that she could have touched him by simply leaning her shoulder into his. The scant inch between them was charged with electricity, and a few minutes into their conversation, she leaned toward him and closed that gap.

  Sam had one of those smiles with a dimple on one side of his face. His perfect teeth were framed by lips that curved into a smile when he looked at her. Maya got light-headed every time she saw that smile, because it didn’t only come from those amazing lips. There was a touch of amusement and maybe even admiration that came from his eyes. His whole face seemed to light up when he looked at her, and when he smiled, she felt like it was meant just for her. He turned this smile on her as her shoulder met his arm, and Maya blushed as if he could read her thoughts.

  He appeared to study her for a moment. “Well, now.” His voice was soft. “This is pleasant.”

  Through his dark lashes, his soft chocolate eyes were warm. His smile was crooked, but it held no taunt this time. Maya’s heart was pounding so loud it was a wonder to her that Sam couldn’t hear it. She let her eyes wander to his full, soft lips. What would they feel like?

  He leaned closer to her, his gaze shifting to her mouth. Her body took over and she leaned closer to him. She could almost feel his lips on hers...

  “Hey! Coach Hutcherson!” A young boy’s voice called out from nearby. Maya sprang away from Sam as he closed his eyes and exhaled deeply.

  Three young teen boys approached from a few rows in front of them. Sam turned to the boys with exaggerated patience and forced enthusiasm. “Hey, guys. How’s it going?”

  “Great.” One of the boys glanced at Maya, then back at Sam. “How about you?”

  “I was better about ten seconds ago.” He squinted up at them into the setting sun.

  Blank faces greeted Sam and he groaned only loud enough for Maya to hear before he turned to her. He addressed Maya, apology written all over his face. “Maya, these are the youngest of the goalkeepers I coach over the summer. Boys, this is Maya.”

  The tallest of them elbowed the boy next to him, his face flushed and covered in a ridiculous grin. The boy he elbowed then elbowed the boy with glasses standing next to him. The three boys snickered, and Sam looked mortified. Maya bit her lip to keep from laughing.

  “I know!”

  “Shh. She’s sitting right there.”

  “Totally hot. Coach is one lucky bas—”

  “Boys!” Sam finally spoke. The sniggering continued. “Anand. Manners!”

  “What, Coach?”

  Sam opened his mouth to respond, but shook his head instead. “Who’s here with you?”

  The boy named Anand spoke up. “Coach Mike brought us. He’s over there.” He waved absently in the direction of the stage, stealing another glance at Maya.

  Sam looked over their shoulders. “He’s looking for you.” The boys turned, and sure enough, their coach was summoning them back to their seats.

  Grumbling and goodbyes ensued as they returned to their area. “Total hottie, Coach!” The tall one called over his shoulder.

  Sam closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose before turning to Maya. “That—” he sighed the sigh of a parent “—is part of my soccer team.”

  “Charming.” She burst out laughing. “Adorable.” The boys clearly idolized Sam, just like his cousins.

  “What? Them?” He shook his head in disbelief.

  “No,” Maya said. “You with them.” She shrugged and tilted her head. “You’re good with kids.”

  “Yeah, probably because they’re not mine!” Sam chuckled. “I do private goalie sessions with them,” he explained. “Mike is the assistant coach, but he’ll start med school in the fall, so someone else will have to take over. They’ll miss him.” He paused. “In fact, this will be my last year coaching them for a while, too. I won’t be coming home.”

  “Law school beckons.” Maya nodded. Of course.

  “Yeah.” Sam pulled at the grass and seemed to get lost for a moment.

  “What? Law school not everything it’s made out to be?” Maya brought her knees in and leaned on them.

  “Huh? Oh no.” He stopped pulling at the grass and came back to earth. “Columbia is great. Law school is actually fantastic.” He didn’t seem able to meet her eye.

  He’d had no problem telling her about his brother, but something was holding him back today. Maybe encouragement. “But...”

  He sighed and opened his mouth as if he wanted to say something, but remained silent. Maya waited as his eyes grew dark under a furrowed brow. Sam clenched his jaw as he searched her face. Maya wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but she had never seen him like this before, and what passed and didn’t pass between them was more intimate than if he had kissed her right then.

  When he finally spoke, his voice came slow and heavy. “Big plans have been made for me, Maya.” Instinctively, she remained silent. With closed eyes, he tapped the pocket of his shorts and shook his head. When he opened them again, his face relaxed, and the warmth was back in his eyes. “Not tonight.” He took her hand. “There’s a time to talk about that, but not tonight.”

  He stood and gently pulled Maya up with him. When he smiled at her, she knew that he was unaware of anything else around them, and that all he could see was her, and she forgot all her reasons for ever having fought her feelings for him. The top of her head just grazed his chin, so if she rested her head on his chest, she would fit in that secure area between his cleanly shaven chin and muscular chest. He held her close enough their bodies touched, and the light musk from his cologne relaxed her. She fit in his arms as if she belonged there.

  “Tonight,” he said, “we dance.”

  They enjoyed the music in silence for a few moments, and Maya was wondering how it would feel to rest her head in that secure place on his c
hest, when Sam spoke.

  “What about you? You just graduated. What now?”

  She tilted her head up to meet his eyes. “That’s easy. I’m looking for a job in a restaurant. I’ll need some extra training, but eventually, I’d like to be head pastry chef in a five-star restaurant.” Maya smiled. “It’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  “Maybe it’s all you’ve ever known.”

  Maya pulled back a fraction. “What does that mean?”

  Sam frowned. “Just that it seems like you’ve worked in that bakery all your life. You’ve never done anything else but bake.”

  Maya narrowed her eyes at him and stiffened. “That bakery was survival for my mum and me. My father left her with only their scant savings, which was enough to get us here, and not much more. She worked nights as a cashier in a twenty-four-hour corner market with me asleep behind the counter.” Those days, her mother’s only priorities had been Maya and making a life for them both. Maya had always taken pride in the fact that her mother had been able to build that life from flour and eggs, sugar and butter.

  Maya pulled away from Sam as she spoke, all thought of that shoulder wiped from her mind. “I think I knew how to bake and decorate a cake from scratch before I hit middle school.” She was proud of that, too. She took a deep breath and looked him dead in the eye. “It may not be glamorous like the law. And it may well be the ‘only thing I’ve ever known.’” She did the air quotes with as much disdain as she could muster. “But that doesn’t make it the wrong choice for me. And in any case, you don’t know me well enough to know if it is or isn’t.” Honestly, who did he think he was?

  Blood pulsed in her head and she paused again for breath. “It’s honest work and it makes people happy.”

  Sam pressed his lips together, the nonchalance with which he had downplayed her bakery gone from his face. He met her eyes with something like regret or shame, as he sat down and indicated that she join him. But she wasn’t about to sit next to him. “And to be quite honest, I’m really good at it.”

  Sam gazed up at her with innocent eyes in what was now light from the rising moon and the stage. “Okay.” He shrugged and patted the ground next to him. “You’re an excellent baker.”

  “Pastry chef,” Maya corrected him from between clenched teeth as she continued to glower at him. She did not sit. He didn’t seem to get it.

  He smiled up at her, eyes wide, apologetic. “Pastry chef. I’d like to apologize, but it’d be easier if you were sitting next to me.” She folded her arms across her chest and cocked an eyebrow at him. That smile had her heart racing, but she wouldn’t give in that easily.

  The smile faded, replaced by something else. Was it amusement? Admiration? Irritation? Maya couldn’t be sure. But in the next instant, he was standing a head over her, his face contrite, looking almost ashamed. He reached out a finger and gently tilted her chin up to face him. “I’m sorry I offended you,” he said. “It can’t have been easy growing up without a father—I had no idea what you or your mother had been through.”

  “This has nothing to do with my father! I don’t need pity from you.” She wouldn’t take pity from anyone. So she’d grown up without father. Worse things happened all the time.

  He bit his bottom lip and continued, his voice low and sincere. “I’m not pitying you, I promise. If anything, I respect your mom for standing on her own two feet. You’re right, I don’t know you well enough to know what you should be doing with your life. And trust me, I’m the last person who should be making that judgment, anyway. I’m sorry.”

  His eyes searched hers, she had the sense he was hoping for forgiveness. She unfolded her arms.

  “And I certainly am not one of those people who thinks the law is glamorous and better than everything else. But you don’t know me well enough to know that, either.” Sam leaned in close and whispered, “That’s something I would like to change.”

  His breath on her ear made that whole side of her body tingle. Maya did her best to ignore the sensation, and continued to glare at him for a minute longer. His apology was real, and it broke down her anger. She became conscious of the fact they were the only ones standing, and the headliner was about to begin. “We should sit—we’re in the way.” She sat down first, but glanced up at him and scooted over to make a spot for him.

  “You know, you never asked what my mom does,” Sam said.

  “Okay.” She indulged him, a smile prickling at the edge of her lips. She couldn’t help it. “Sam, what does your mom do?”

  Mischief took over his eyes and he started to chuckle. “She’s a lawyer.” Sam threw his head back and laughed.

  Maya threw grass at him and shook her head, fighting the laughter that bubbled up inside her. It shouldn’t be so easy for her to forgive him. But his laughter was so real and so free, it became impossible for her not to smile.

  “See, I told you I’m in no position to judge.” He wiped a tear from his eye as Maya finally stopped laughing. “Now, do you think we can be done with the ‘yelling at Sam’ portion of the evening?”

  Maya leaned her shoulder against his in answer. He put his arm around her, and didn’t remove it for the rest of the concert.

  * * *

  SAM DROVE SLOWLY and chose the long way back to her uncle’s house, and it thrilled Maya that he was trying to prolong their time together. Her curfew had never bothered her before, but tonight, she truly resented it. She was old enough to vote and drink, after all. Just because her mother wanted to choose who she spent her life with...

  They were lost in conversation when he finally pulled in front of the house.

  “But, Sam, if your father is a doctor and your mother is a lawyer,” she asked, “why take all those loans and extra jobs?” They had long since passed topics that were off-limits. “I mean, can’t they help you?”

  “They could. I mean, they certainly wish that I would take their money.” He turned off the engine and held out his can of soda to Maya. He tilted his head back and finished it when she held up her hand in refusal. “But it’s their money, right? My mother insisted, and they did help out with undergrad. But for law school, I just felt I...”

  “...had to do it for yourself.” Maya caught his eye and nodded her head. This guy just kept impressing her.

  “Exactly!” He beamed at her as he checked his watch. “Two minutes.” The look of disappointment on his face mirrored her own feelings. What would happen if she just sat here in this car with Sam? She flushed at the thought.

  * * *

  MAYA WAS KEENLY aware of the warmth of Sam’s hand on the small of her back as he escorted her to the door. It was protective and intimate, and she found comfort in it. His touch sent a welcome thrill up her spine, making it difficult to focus, resulting in silence on her part as she failed to come up with even one thing to talk about. Only the sounds of the summer night were between them as Sam was also quiet.

  Maya turned to face him when they stopped at the porch. He was close enough for her to feel the heat from his body. The night had turned humid and silence hung between them thick as droplets in the air.

  “Well, you should probably...” He motioned toward the door before shoving his fists in his pockets. “You know, before the giggly one comes out.”

  “Yeah, right. Okay.” Maya willed herself to turn and take the first step up. She could feel Sam still behind her.

  “Maya.”

  It wasn’t anything more than just a hoarse whisper. But it held desire and longing and everything else Maya wanted to hear.

  She didn’t think. She spun around and wrapped her hands around his face as she leaned in and kissed him. His surprise lasted only an instant before he kissed her back. His lips were soft and insistent, and she closed her eyes and let herself go. He tasted sweet like the Coke he had been sipping in the car, and he smelled like the concert: a touch of grass, a hint of smoke and a lingering trace of
his cologne.

  Sam’s body was strong and she relished how his muscled arms felt wrapped around her as he deepened their kiss and pulled her close enough that she could feel his heart pounding hard against hers. It could have been days or minutes or seconds. Maya had no idea. She let herself get lost in his mix of sweetness and warmth and strength.

  Somewhere, almost as if from a tunnel, came the sound of a door opening and a small voice disrupted her bliss. “Maya-didi! I swear I’m not looking, but Papa fell asleep waiting for you and it’s after midnight.”

  Sam stopped kissing her but did not pull away. “It’s the giggly one.” His lips were near her ear as he whispered into her hair, causing her to shiver despite the heat. “She really does have her eyes covered.”

  “Pretend she’s not there.” She opened her eyes enough to see Sam’s lips curve into his smile as she leaned up and took his mouth again.

  “Maya-didi! If you ever want to see him again, Papa can’t know you were late.” Sejal’s voice was worried and urgent. “And if he catches you kissing him...”

  “What will happen if I catch her kissing him?” The familiar deep voice rolled out to them.

  Oh, shit!

  Maya jumped back from Sam, her heart hammering somewhere in her belly, and nearly fell backward onto the porch. Sam caught her before she fell, easily lifting her back to standing, his face grim. But he didn’t step away from her, or even let her go. Instead, he drew his gaze over her and to Deepak-mama. She turned to follow his gaze and face her uncle, Sam’s hand still supporting her arm, his chest secure against her back.

  “Uncle, I’m sorry she’s late. I meant no disresp—”

  “Didn’t you?” Deepak-mama narrowed his eyes and slowed his breath. He barely moved his mouth to speak. “That is not true, considering what I just saw.”

  Behind him, Sejal’s eyes were huge and filling with fear. “Come, Papa. Everything is fine.” She tugged on his shirtsleeve.