Then, Now, Always

by Mona Shroff

  Samantha rolled her eyes as she shook his hand. “Nice to meet you. You must be Ben-kaka. But I thought you were in Africa. Hiding from a girl.”

  Ben laughed—almost a guffaw, really. “Niki does not waste any time.” He wiped his eyes. “It’s all true, but I don’t do details.” He jerked his head in Sam’s direction. “Does he feed you?”

  “I could eat.”

  Ben slammed his hands down on the small island. “Sammy, we need New York pizza.”

  “Yeah, okay.” Butterflies invaded his belly as he watched Ben and Samantha. Unlike Niki, Ben would say just about anything. No filter. Sam picked up his phone and ordered the pizza, then got two beers and a Gatorade from the fridge.

  Ben and Samantha were making small talk, and Sam joined them on the sofa. He handed Samantha the Gatorade. “Want to shower first? Pizza will be a bit.”

  “Sure.” She stood and considered Ben. “Do you have any stories about my dad?”

  Ben chortled. “Of course!” Samantha started to leave for her shower when Ben called out, “Maya is your mom, right?”

  “Why?” She narrowed her eyes at Sam. “Are there a bunch of us to keep track of?”

  Sam threw Ben a glare, but addressed his daughter. “Of course not. Go get your shower.”

  After Samantha left the room, Ben turned on ESPN. “She looks just like you.”

  “So I’ve been told.”

  “What’s with all the boxes?” Ben indicated the piles of open and unopened boxes that were scattered around. “Unpack and move in already.”

  “It’s fine the way it is.” Sam opened the beers and handed one to Ben. “I unpacked the essentials.”

  They did the cursory clinking of the bottles, but before Sam could take a sip, Ben stopped him. “Wait. First, a toast.” Sam rolled his eyes. “To my big brother for causing so much family drama that my mother doesn’t even care that I’ve been in Africa for close to nine months.” Ben cackled.

  “Technically, I did not cause drama.” Sam chuckled softly. “She came to me.”

  “Whatever. Better you than me. Where were you?” He tilted his head toward the bathroom. “Her soccer game?”

  “Yes. She’s a goalie.” Sam could not help the ear-to-ear grin that took over his face in fatherly pride. “I just wish I’d known her when she was little. She’s all grown up. She’ll be sixteen in a couple months.”

  “News flash—fifteen isn’t grown up. Don’t you remember me at fifteen? A lot of growing up still to be done.”

  Sam nodded as he remembered Ben’s adventurous teen years. He smiled. “How many times did I have to bail you out of jail?”

  Ben laughed. “Twice. But come on, is it my fault the protests got out of hand? Don’t make it sound like the Howard County police had a cot for me.” Ben took a swig of his beer and grinned into the past.

  “Do you remember—” Sam darted his eyes toward the bathroom, as he lowered his voice and leaned toward Ben.

  “Yes.” Ben rolled his eyes and started laughing. Thus began a round of recounting Ben’s minor offenses as a growing teen.

  “See?” Ben spread his arms wide again. “All of that is behind me. Thanks to your tutelage, I am now a productive member of society.”

  Sam settled back into his chair, comfortable and content. Ben had always had that effect on him, even as a child. “That you are.” He waited a beat before continuing. “I heard from Niki that Divya is looking for you.”

  “I heard that, too.” Ben’s voice was flat and the mischievous grin was history. He looked down at his hands for a moment, before countering, “I also heard about Maya.”

  “What about Maya?” Sam tried to keep his voice neutral. He checked the bathroom again.

  “You tell me. She’s your daughter’s mother.”

  “Nothing to tell.”

  “Oh, come on.” Ben leaned in toward Sam, his face filled with anticipation. “Give me something. She’s still hot, right? I mean, she still looks good, right?”

  Ben was on the edge of his seat, his eyes filled with all the excitement and anticipation of a teenage boy waiting to hear the details of hot date. Sam grinned broadly. “Better.” It was the truth.

  Ben threw himself back on the sofa. “I knew it.”

  The door buzzer interrupted, letting them know the pizza had arrived. Ben opened two more beers as Sam got the pizza. He set it on the island and went down the hall to get Samantha. She was fast asleep on top of her bed, her hair still wrapped in a towel. She looked like a little kid. Kind of reminded him of Niki when she was that age. Maybe Ben was right: maybe Samantha wasn’t quite all grown up. He wrapped a blanket around her and gently shut the door.

  Ben had already downed one slice. “Um, sorry. I was so hungry and it smelled so good.”

  “No problem.” Sam helped himself to a slice. “She’s out cold. You’ll have to hang with her tomorrow.”

  Ben nodded, his mouth full.

  Sam finished his first slice and reached for another. “How was Africa?”

  Ben lit up. “Amazing! Sammy, next time I go, you have got to come.” He sipped his beer. “There’s nothing like it. The work is—” he paused and smiled at something Sam couldn’t see “—rewarding. I know it’s cliché, but that’s the only word. They think you’re helping them, but those kids, they’re helping you.” He picked up another slice.

  “It’s a great place to hide, too.” Sam pushed a bit.

  Ben shrugged, avoiding Sam’s gaze. “If that’s what you need.” He busied himself with eating his pizza.

  “Do they feed you at all over there?” Maybe time to lighten up a little.

  “Yes. But it’s not this. If I could take this pizza with me, life would be perfect.” He closed his eyes and chewed slowly, savoring his food.

  Sam considered asking him more directly about Divya, but decided to save it for later. He finished his second beer.

  Ben swallowed and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. “I can’t believe you’re someone’s dad!”

  “That makes two of us.” Sam settled back and enjoyed his beer while he caught Ben up on Samantha and whatever Niki hadn’t told him. Ben continued to work on both pizzas and got himself another beer.

  “So, you’re pissed because Maya kept Samantha from you all these years?”

  Sam was silent.

  “So, what happened to Paige?”

  “It wasn’t going to work out.”

  “Yeah, I could see that. With Maya back in the picture, no other woman has a chance, huh, Sammy?”

  “Maya is not back in the picture.”

  Ben froze, the pizza slice halfway to his mouth. “Well, why the hell not? What is the matter with you?”

  “Nothing is the matter with me. Did you not hear the part about how she never even told me she was pregnant with my child?” Sam hushed his voice and glanced down the hall to be sure he wasn’t overheard.

  “I also heard about how your mom helped that along. Did it ever occur to you that you would’ve known about Samantha if you’d ever actually gone after Maya?”

  “I went after her, Ben.” Sam closed his eyes and sighed heavily. “You know that.”

  “One time, Sammy,” Ben snapped. “One time.”

  Sam watched him go to the kitchen. Humph. Ben never snapped at him. “She said there was no point. She said she didn’t—” He rubbed his face with his hands. Sam really didn’t want to repeat it. Even after all these years. Even though he knew his mother put her up to it. He couldn’t repeat it.

  “And you just let her go.” Ben gestured with his hands. “The love of your life.” His eyes darkened as he shook his head at his cousin and took his seat. “Even I knew you bought her a ring after your second date, and you didn’t even fight for her.”

  Sam looked up from his hands to glower at his cousin. “My mom was sic
k, and I went back to school. Things happen.”

  “Not good enough! All these years, you knew where she was. Not once did you go to her.” Disappointment flowed from Ben’s eyes and voice. “Not once!” As if that weren’t enough, Sam was treated to Ben’s best withering look. “Just as well you didn’t know about your daughter.”

  Sam’s head pounded and his knuckles turned white from gripping the arm of the chair. Anyone else and Sam wouldn’t have bothered with restraint. His next words were a growl from the back of his throat. “What the fuck could you possibly know about it?”

  Ben stared him down. “What’s to know? You can be as mad as you want, just make sure some of that anger is focused toward yourself. You can’t lay it all on Maya.” Ben examined Sam more closely and raised his eyebrows. “You became so focused on becoming this hard-ass lawyer with the uptown girl and all the trimmings, I’m surprised you ever gave her another thought. So if you didn’t know about your daughter, maybe it was for the best.”

  Sam continued to fume as he considered Ben’s words. The truth was that it had been easier to get lost in school and work and moving forward than to think about Maya and what he had lost. Everything he had done was so he didn’t have to think about her.

  But he always had, anyway.

  “Listen, Sammy.” Ben’s voice softened. “You’re the best older brother, which is why I thought that one day you would go and find her, and...” He fidgeted with his bottle.

  “And what?”

  “I know it sounds silly, but I was just a little kid. I always thought that at some point, you would man up and fight for her... I thought you’d bring her back home.”

  Sam was silenced and loosened his grip on the seat. Home. That was exactly how he had thought of Maya. When he was with her, he was home. Ben lay down on the sofa and closed his eyes. The only sound was the quiet murmurings of the ESPN announcer.

  Sam gulped down the last of his beer. “She’s seeing someone.” The words needed to be pushed out of his mouth. They hung like a weight in the air.

  “What does that mean?” Ben asked without turning or opening his eyes.

  “It means she went on a few dates with the same guy.” Sam sighed deeply. “He shows up every other day at her coffee shop, and she’s out with him now, and Samantha’s sleeping over here, so...” The thought of Maya with some other guy burned him. Nauseated him. Actually, it made him want to punch something. All these years, whenever he thought about her, and on some level, he always did, he never thought of her in terms of being with someone else. She was always his. He picked at the label on the bottle. He was always hers. “What if I’m too late?”

  Ben groaned as he sat up to face Sam. “Oh, yeah.” He held out both hands, palms up. He looked at one. “Father of her child, madly in love with her.” He brought it down as if it was heavy with weight. He looked at the other hand. “Went on a few dates with some random guy.” He raised his eyebrows and tightened his lips. “Yeah, you’re right. No competition.” He shook his head in frustration and started to lie back down. “Just let her go again. You can’t win that fight.”

  “Is that what you did with Divya? Did you fight for her?” It felt good to let off some of that frustration.

  “As a matter of fact, I did,” Ben responded calmly as he sat back up to face Sam. “However, I am not the Boy Scout you are, so by the time she came around, I had already screwed it up.” He turned to lie back down, shifting on the sofa getting comfortable. “Nice try, though.”

  Silence again, during which Sam thought Ben had fallen asleep. He started to get up when Ben spoke with his eyes closed. “Listen, bhaiya.”

  Ben hadn’t called him bhaiya in ages.

  “The first thing you need to do is admit you still want her, and then go get her. If you don’t—trust me, you’ll find out just how great a hiding place Africa is.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-FIVE

  SAM

  Maryland, 1996

  HIS MOTHER HAD been diagnosed with cancer.

  Sam leaned forward on his elbows with his face in his hands and winced from the pain. His nose was broken and his body was black-and-blue, but the pain grounded him. Right now, he’d give anything for Maya’s gentle touch or whispered assurance. But her comfort was gone to him forever.

  His mother had collapsed that morning. Sam and his father had brought her to the hospital, where ten hours later, they’d gotten their answer. His father was currently consulting with colleagues about the best course of action.

  He didn’t notice his father’s approach until he felt a hand on his shoulder. Sam looked up into the eyes of a much older man. The usual blue twinkle of amusement had given way to a darker worry, and Sam stood in an instant, ready for whatever his father had to say.

  “Just tell me, Dad.”

  His father nodded. “It’s CLL. Chronic lymphocytic leukemia.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means she has a treatable form of cancer. It means that she has to take a pill, but she can expect to beat it.”

  “What kind of timeline?” Sam forced his voice into the same clinical, detached tone his father used.

  “Hard to say. But it’s not too advanced, so we can be hopeful that she has many years to come.”

  “I’ll transfer closer to home. Maybe defer this next semester.”

  “Sammy, that’s not necessary.” He laid a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “Right now, you need a meal and some sleep. It’s been two days since you saw Maya...”

  “Don’t.” Sam pulled his shoulder away from his father. “Can I see her?”

  “Sure.” His father sighed and rested weary eyes on Sam. “She’s going to be fine. No need to make any rash decisions.”

  Sam nodded and walked down the hall to his mother’s room. He knocked and let himself in. “Hey, Mom.”

  His mother was five feet tall and all of a hundred pounds dripping wet, but he had never thought of her as frail. Machines beeped and burped, providing an eerie soundtrack. As he looked at her tiny frame being swallowed by the bed, a new pit grew in his stomach. Her brown skin, usually radiant with her inner fire, was ashen, and upon closer inspection, Sam could see how thin she had become. He hadn’t noticed because he had been preoccupied with Maya. Tears burned behind his eyes. He forced them away.

  “Hi, son.” She smiled and her voice was weak.

  “So, Dad tells me you’re attention-seeking again.” He forced a chuckle.

  She waved a hand. “What about you? With that face?” She managed a crooked smile.

  Sam rolled his eyes at her. “You had to one-up me.”

  “Your father worries too much, and he exaggerates.”

  “He does. But not this time.” Sam sat down and leaned his elbows on the bed as he took her frail hand in his. “I have a great idea.” He smiled hugely, as if his idea was earth-shattering. “I’ll transfer out of Columbia Law to UMD Law. That way, I’ll be closer to home. It’ll give me a chance to meet people and build clientele so when I start my practice, I’ll be ready to roll.”

  His mother pulled her hand away from his, and furrowed her brow. “Are you still chasing that idea? I would have thought you would have come to your senses by now. You were made to be in politics, Sam. Look at you—tall, good-looking, intelligent, charming. All you need is the right training and contacts.”

  Sam breathed deeply. “Mom, I told you, that’s not really what I want. I want to help people. Like we were helped when Arjun—”

  “Don’t!” Her voice was sharp enough to throw Sam back. “Don’t.” She sank farther away from him. “You promised me that you would do what he could not. You were on that path until that girl distracted you. Since when do you let anything, even a girl, get in the way of your dreams?”

  Sam took in the sallow tone of his mother’s skin, the gray in her hair, and his heart broke. The beeping increased as his mo
ther’s heart rate went up. The sound tore at him.

  There was no future with Maya—what did it matter what he did with his life? At least this way, he’d be making his mother happy. “You’re right, Mom. I made you a promise and I’m going to keep it. But that means I’ll need to go back to school in New York. That’s where all the contacts are.”

  Her eyes lit up and she broke into a smile. “That’s my boy! I knew you would see sense.” She tried to sit up. “Oh, I’m so happy. You are going to make our dreams come true.” She beamed at him, but Sam had the sense that she wasn’t really seeing him at all. And a part of him knew that when she said “our dreams,” she wasn’t really talking about him, either. No matter. At least he’d made one person happy.

  CHAPTER FORTY-SIX

  SAM

  New York, 2013

  “I CAN’T BE in the same house as your mother right now.” Sam’s father quickly brushed past him and into the apartment. “I know you have Ben here now, so I’ll just take the sofa.” He set down his suitcase next to the door and turned to face Sam.

  “I’m sorry, what?” A pit formed in Sam’s stomach as he digested the dark circles under his father’s eyes, not to mention the tousled hair and unshaved beard.

  “You heard me.” His father nodded at the bar. “You still got the good bourbon I gave you?” He plopped himself on the sofa. “Just grab two glasses and the bottle.”

  Sam did as he was told, the pit in his stomach growing. What had his mother done now? He settled down in the chair across from his father and poured them each two fingers of straight bourbon.

  His father grabbed his glass and, before Sam had even sipped his own bourbon, he downed it. Since when did his father do shots?

  Sam’s father reached for the bottle and poured himself another drink. Sam sipped his drink in a deliberate fashion and waited until his father was prepared to talk. He didn’t have to wait long.