Then, Now, Always

by Mona Shroff

  “Your mother told me about that check.”

  Sam frowned. Why would she tell him? “What did she tell you?”

  “She told me that she tried to pay Maya to leave you alone and not to tell you she was pregnant.”

  Sam was surprised that she’d told the truth. “That is true.”

  “She said that’s why you won’t take her calls.”

  Sam shrugged. Had another gulp of bourbon.

  “She kept Samantha from me, too.” His dad sighed, a sad, almost helpless thing.

  Sam stared into his near-empty glass. “Not just her. Maya participated in that, too.”

  His father sipped his drink and settled more comfortably into the sofa. “Maya was young, impressionable. Scared.”

  It was Sam’s turn to polish off his drink. He reached for the bottle. “Doesn’t make it right.”

  “Maybe not. But sometimes it helps if we understand why.” His father stared him down.

  “Do you understand why?”

  His father frowned. “Your mother put all of her hopes and dreams for Arjun onto you. She didn’t know how else to handle his death. When that was threatened, she took care of it. She honestly thought she was doing what was best for you.”

  “Yet here you are. With a suitcase.” Sam didn’t even try to keep the bitterness from his voice.

  “Here I am. She robbed you of a child, and me of a grandchild. Not easy to forgive that, no matter her intentions.” He drank a little more. “But she is my wife. And damn if she doesn’t drive me crazy. I love her.”

  “It’s not only us. Samantha grew up without a father. She didn’t have you in her life as a grandfather. She deserved to have all of that.” The bourbon burned as Sam downed it. He poured another as the familiar anger built again.

  “Maya did the best she could. Samantha is feisty and intelligent. And you’re in her life now. I don’t see Maya standing in your way.”

  Sam grunted. True.

  His father set down his empty glass and stretched out. “Can’t choose who you fall in love with, sometimes. Your mom and I have been through a lot. If we made it through Arjun’s death, we can make it through just about anything. I just need a few days to sort through things.”

  “Stay as long as you like. Ben will take the sofa.” Sam concentrated on the bottom of his glass, as if the answers to his questions were actually somewhere in there. How was his dad even able to consider forgiving his mother?

  “Did you really tell your mother she couldn’t see Samantha?”

  “I was pissed.” He looked up at his father. “But I wouldn’t do that to Samantha.”

  “She’s probably the best thing that has happened to your mother in a long time.” John leaned toward his son, his elbows on his knees. “Your mother carried around a lot of anger over Arjun’s death. To some extent, she still does.” He paused, his mouth set in a grim line. “But it was that anger that fueled her to hand that check to Maya—it was that need to control that which she could not. You’re more like your mother than you think. Don’t let your anger over the fact you missed Samantha’s childhood rule the rest of your life.”

  Sam leaned forward on his knees, staring at his hands. “It’s just that every time I see her, I’m reminded of what I missed.”

  “Are you talking about raising Samantha, or your missed life with Maya?”

  Sam looked up into his father’s eyes and exhaled. “Yes.”

  CHAPTER FORTY-SEVEN

  MAYA

  New York, 2013

  AS SHE CLEANED up the shop at the end of the day, Maya glanced out the window and was stunned to see Hema-auntie approaching. Maya stiffened, just as she did all those years ago when Hema-auntie had come to her uncle’s house. Her stomach fluttered as she waited for the door to open, but it did not. When she peeked outside, she saw Hema-auntie walking away from the coffee shop, back the way she had come. Curiosity overruled her butterflies, and Maya dropped her rag and rushed to open the door.

  “Auntie?”

  Hema-auntie stopped and turned toward her.

  “Auntie,” Maya started again, “why don’t you come in?”

  Hema-auntie took a couple tentative steps toward Maya. “I, um. Well, I don’t really know.” She stopped. “It was foolish of me to come here. I have no right...”

  “At least warm up with a cup of coffee or chai. I insist.”

  Hema-auntie looked at Maya with a grateful smile. “That would be wonderful. Thank you.”

  Maya held the door open for Sam’s mother, and then led her back into the bakery kitchen. “Here, have a seat while I make chai.”

  “Oh, don’t go to any trouble. Coffee is fine.”

  “It’s no trouble. Please, sit.” Maya motioned to a small table she had set up in the back for when she needed a quick break. “Maybe a bit more spice, since it’s so cold?”

  Hema-auntie nodded and removed her coat and sat while Maya filled a small pot just about halfway with water to boil. She added her homemade chai masala, enhancing it with a bit of grated fresh ginger. She put in loose tea leaves, more than a pinch, less than a handful, and turned to face Hema-auntie while she waited for the mixture to come to a soft boil.

  Hema-auntie watched Maya carefully before finally speaking. “Maya, what I did, I did for my son.” No one could accuse Hema Hutcherson of not getting to the point. “At the time, I believed what I was doing was right.” She raised her chin and made eye contact with Maya.

  The chai simmered, but Maya could not bring herself to break eye contact with this woman who had terrified her all those years ago. Tears shimmered in Hema-auntie’s eyes, even as she set her lips in a firm line.

  “After Arjun was taken from me, I shut down. Don’t get me wrong, I loved Sam—how could one not love Sam?” She paused to smile at something Maya couldn’t see. Her smile withered into a frown when she began speaking again. “But I was never the same, and I knew that Sam suffered for that. My way of loving Sam was to push him...to push him to fulfill his brother’s dreams. Because, you see, that way I could have them both.” She smiled again, but it wasn’t a happy thing. “Selfish, I know. And saying it out loud, it sounds ridiculous—even to myself. Imagine knowing you should love your child more, but not knowing how to do it.” She stopped for a moment, staring at Maya. One lone tear escaped. Hema-auntie did nothing to stop its trail down her face.

  Maya’s body tensed, her mind and heart at war. Young Sam had craved his mother’s love, and the only way she could give it was to push him to be like Arjun. Yet how could she judge this woman, who had lost a child? The thought of losing Samantha made her feel like all the blood had been drained from her body—no parent should have to navigate such black waters.

  “I know that what I did was wrong—and that I hurt so many people. Especially you and Sam.” She swallowed hard. “And Samantha.” More tears rolled down her face. She reached a shaky finger to wipe them.

  Maya handed her a tissue. She turned to the chai mixture, which was now emitting the warm aroma of cinnamon and cardamom mixed with the sharp scent of peppercorn. She poured some milk into the pot, until the mixture was the medium brown color of a walnut.

  “Sugar?”

  “If you like it.”

  Maya sprinkled sugar with an experienced hand. While she waited for the mixture to come to a rolling boil, she turned back to Sam’s mother, who was blotting her eyes and fighting for her composure.

  “I thought I should at least explain to you why I did what I did. You were young, and I took advantage. I apologize for what I did to you all those years ago. For what I did to my son.” A small sniffle escaped her. “I don’t know what I was thinking, coming here. I should go.” She stood and gathered her coat.

  “No. Wait. The chai is ready.” Maya turned off the heat and strained the chai into two mugs. She handed one to Hema-auntie and sat down, motioning
for Sam’s mother to join her. The older woman remained standing for a moment, seemingly—and uncharacteristically—unsure of what to do.

  “Please, sit.” Maya motioned once again to the chair. “If I haven’t bitten you yet, I probably won’t.”

  This elicited a small but grateful smile that transformed Hema-auntie’s face. “It’s more than I deserve, but the chai smells wonderful.” She removed her coat and sat down, wrapping her hands around the mug. She inhaled deeply before taking her first sip. “This is wonderful, Maya, thank you.” Her gaze rested on Maya’s, warm and grateful. It was clear she was talking about more than just the chai.

  “Well, the ultimate decision to keep Samantha from Sam was mine, so there’s more than enough blame to go around. Thankfully, I’m not that young girl anymore.” Maya sipped her chai, and enjoyed for a moment how the cardamom and cinnamon hit her tongue and the way the milky liquid warmed her.

  “I was not a young girl. I let my own ambitions and needs get in the way of what truly mattered, and that was my son’s happiness. The truth is—” she paused, and Maya could have sworn she was swallowing back more tears “—you were the key to his happiness.” Hema-auntie regained her composure and finished her chai. Maya was dumbstruck by her words. She was the key to Sam’s happiness? Well, not anymore.

  “You probably still are.” It was as if Hema-auntie could read her mind. She fixed Maya in her gaze. “I hope that one day you will see fit to accept my apology.” She stood and gathered her coat.

  Maya was struck for the first time at how small and fragile Sam’s mother seemed. She had always seemed so powerful, so strong. But here she was, trying to right the wrongs of her past—and why? Suddenly it was clear.

  “Auntie, do you want to stay for dinner? Samantha says she hasn’t seen you in a while.”

  Hema-auntie looked away from Maya, suddenly preoccupied with buttoning her coat. “Sam doesn’t want me to see her.”

  “Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean that. He was probably just angry. And I am her mother, after all. Stay for dinner. Tell Uncle to join us, as well. Samantha will be thrilled. Did he come up with you?”

  Tears filled Hema-auntie’s eyes again. “I suspect he’s been staying with Sam for the past few days. When I told him about that check, he packed a bag and left.”

  “You told him?”

  Hema-auntie nodded. “Yes. The truth was out, and I couldn’t leave him in the dark. Even though I knew he would be angry with me.” She swallowed hard, and this time, Maya saw tears for sure. “I love him. But he’s never left like this before.”

  Silence. Maya had no idea how to process this new side of Sam’s mother. Though maybe it wasn’t that new.

  Hema-auntie turned to leave again. “Thank you for the invitation for dinner, but—”

  “Apology accepted.” Sometimes Maya blurted things out and she instantly regretted them. This was not one of those times. This happened to be one of those times she was grateful she could blurt things out without overanalyzing.

  “What?”

  “You heard me. I accept your apology. Now we’ll move on.” Maya smiled and reached out for Hema-auntie’s coat. This woman had lost one son years ago, and now her other son wouldn’t talk to her. Her husband had left, and she had been banned from seeing her granddaughter. Maya might not have been able to do anything about Arjun, Sam and John, but she could certainly allow a grandmother to see her grandchild. “You’ll have dinner here, with us.”

  “So I suppose all that ‘We’re both her parents and we need to consult with each other about matters regarding her’ only applies to me.” Sam’s voice boomed through the kitchen as he walked back to them. “You can do whatever the hell you want, apparently.”

  Maya had been so distracted by this new version of Hema-auntie that she hadn’t heard the door chime. She now turned to face Sam, and found his father standing next to him, looking grim-faced.

  Sam stood tall and broad-shouldered, filling the small room like he filled up any space he was in. Eyes flaming, his mouth in a tight line, he stared Maya down, not even acknowledging his mother’s presence.

  “It’s dinner. I’m not running away with her.” Maya faced him. “And you didn’t consult with me, either.”

  “It’s dinner with my mother, who I decided does not get the grandmother privileges that she so easily tossed aside.”

  “Sam, she apologized. To me. We have to give her a chance.”

  Sam’s eyes flicked momentarily to his mother and softened for an instant, before they hardened again, and he turned back to Maya. “No, we don’t. Second chances aren’t always offered.”

  Maya moved closer to him and lowered her voice to a hiss. “We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about your mother. I believe she is truly regretful of her actions, and I believe her apology is sincere.” Maya stood as tall as she could and squared her shoulders. “And besides, Samantha misses her. It’s not fair to deprive her of her grandmother.”

  Sam said nothing.

  “You and Uncle are welcome to stay, as well.”

  Before Sam could say no, his father spoke. “Thank you—that would be wonderful.” Sam’s father had gone, unnoticed, over to stand by his wife. Tears streaming down her face, Hema-auntie allowed her husband to pull her close. Maya was frozen as the woman who had intimidated her for years sobbed into her husband’s shoulder. He murmured softly as he held her.

  Maya couldn’t help but smile. Sam’s parents had lost a son, built a life together and now Uncle had discovered that his wife had lied to him and their son all these years about a granddaughter, and still, they connected. Still, they loved each other. Still, they needed each other. She wiped a tear from her cheek and turned to find Sam watching his parents, as well. His jaw was clenched, but he looked resigned to what was happening.

  Hema-auntie calmed down a little and Uncle looked at Sam and Maya over her head, the twinkle back in his blue eyes. “Sammy, you were never going to keep your mother from Samantha anyway, so why argue with Maya about it now? Especially when she’s right.”

  Sam closed his eyes, resigned. “Yeah, okay. Dinner it is.” He opened his eyes and addressed the room. “For Samantha’s sake.”

  “Whatever.” Maya rolled her eyes as if she didn’t care, but her gut was hollow, and her heart felt empty. She might have once been important to Sam’s happiness, but she had thrown away her chance and now it was time for her to move on. Away from Sam.

  CHAPTER FORTY-EIGHT

  SAM

  New York, 2013

  THE WEEKEND AFTER Valentine’s Day, Maya was signed up for an accelerated workshop on wedding cakes. The workshop was in Manhattan, so she’d stayed with Ami. Samantha had asked to spend the weekend with Sam, and he was thrilled to have this much time with his daughter. Ben had gone to see his parents, but would return later that night.

  Sam picked her up from school Friday afternoon, and this time, there was no sign of the boy she’d been with the last time he’d picked her up. “Where’s Will?”

  “Around.” She shrugged and kept walking.

  “Did you ever tell your mom about him?” Sam studied the top of her head as she avoided his gaze.

  “Um, sure.” Another quick shrug and no eye contact.

  “She was okay with it?” Sam tilted and twisted his head to get a look at her face.

  “Well, you know, she asked a lot questions, but she’s on board.” She finally looked up at him with a tight smile.

  Sam regarded her with doubt. Note to ask Maya about this. No, he was not trying to come up with reasons to talk to Maya. This was legit.

  “Okay, then. We have practice, then we can do whatever you want to do.”

  “Great.” She glanced up at him, her smile tentative. “Listen, I know we have a big weekend planned, but I have a group project due Monday, and the group wants to get together tonight to work on it
for a couple hours. Then I’m free.”

  “Oh, uh, sure.” Sam hid his disappointment. Homework was homework. “You’re welcome to invite them over. I’ll move the boxes.”

  “No, that’s okay. We’re going to meet at Stacy’s.” She texted him the address. It was a few blocks from his apartment. “Why do you still have boxes? It’s been, like, two months.”

  “I just do.” It was his turn to avoid her eyes. “Is Will in this group?”

  “Uh, no.” She turned her gaze away from him and frowned. “He has soccer tonight anyway.”

  “Did you guys break up or something?” Sam tried and failed to get her to look at him.

  “No, of course not.” She finally turned to him and rolled her eyes. “Sometimes we don’t agree on stuff.” Her tone indicated that she really didn’t want to talk about it.

  Sam frowned, but decided he had all weekend to find out what was bothering her, so he let it go. “Okay, I’ll drop you off after dinner.”

  “You’re the best!” She threw her arms around him.

  “You probably say that to all your parents.”

  After a fabulous practice and a delicious, home-cooked meal, Sam dropped his daughter off in the lobby of Stacy’s building.

  Back in his apartment, he glanced at his watch. 8:00 p.m. Maya was probably finished with the day’s work and heading over to Ami’s. Unless Leo was joining her. His stomach clenched, and he found his hands balled into fists. He could just call her, ask if she’d heard about Will.

  He picked up his phone and scrolled for her number. No. That was probably a conversation better had in person. Besides, she could do what she wanted, right? If she wanted Leo, he could have her. At the thought of Leo having her, Sam stood and paced his apartment. He grabbed his jacket and was about to go to Ami’s, but stopped himself. Idiot. He was supposed to be happily hanging out with their daughter. Sam grinned to himself. That’s right, Leo, I have a child with her. Compete with that. He grimaced at his own juvenile thoughts and opened his laptop to do research.