Vicious Cycle

by Katie Ashley

  A few weeks back my two very different worlds had collided unexpectedly when Uncle Jimmy had shown up at the clubhouse, demanding to see me. After I had skipped out on a few family meals, he had gotten it in his mind I was being held captive by Deacon and the Raiders. Leave it to him to use his old GSP connections to have my cell phone traced.

  Because I’d never been able to hide anything from him, I told him everything from my attack to my relationship with Deacon. I had expected harsh words and a severe admonishment for dating a Hells Raider, but I was surprised at how well Uncle Jimmy took it. “I want you to be happy, Alexandra. Just in the few minutes I’ve been talking to you, I don’t think I’ve heard you sound so happy in such a long time.”

  He’d then requested to sit down with Deacon alone. Anxiety had filled me as I sat across the room from them, helping Willow with her schoolwork. Thankfully, no punches or yelling occurred. Uncle Jimmy and Deacon seemed to like each other, or at least tolerate each other. Willow, on the other hand, took an immediate liking to Uncle Jimmy, especially when he promised to take her to his cabin, where she could fish and swim in the river and play with his grandchildren. I thought Deacon would shoot down that offer, so I couldn’t help being surprised when he agreed that Willow could go for a visit. Later, when I questioned him about it, he said, “Your uncle is a former trooper. He knows how to use a gun, how to be aware of his surroundings, and how to protect those around him. Their cabin is in a gated community. Willow would be just as safe with him as she is with one of us. Besides, Sigel won’t be anticipating Jimmy.”

  Now, lounging in Deacon’s lap, I stifled a yawn and fought the exhaustion that filled me. It hadn’t exactly been a restful day so far. I’d risen almost at dawn to help Beth with Sunday lunch. Today had been groundbreaking in the fact that not only did I accompany Beth to church, but Deacon did as well. I’d done a double take when I stepped out of the bedroom to find him out of his cut and in a white shirt with the sleeves rolled up. Sure, he still had on his jeans and boots, but it was quite the transformation. He looked almost respectable. When he’d caught me staring, he’d given me his usual smirk.

  After church, we’d come back to Beth’s for the second momentous event of the day. My uncle Jimmy and aunt Joy arrived just after one for lunch, and after an enjoyable meal together, they had taken an overjoyed Willow with them for the trip to the cabin. Despite her obvious excitement, I still couldn’t help feeling a little apprehensive. I would have preferred to accompany her, but I couldn’t miss any more days away from school. As always, Deacon was one step ahead of me to put my fears to rest. When Willow left the compound with Jimmy, Beth pulled out behind them, going in the opposite direction. Should Sigel have someone watching, they would have followed Beth, who had a prospect following behind her. Just two hours had passed since she left, but it felt like she had been gone much longer.

  “What are you thinking about?” Deacon asked, his voice humming against my ear.

  “Nothing,” I lied.

  “Bullshit,” he countered. When I glanced at him over my shoulder, he shook his head. “You’re a terrible liar, Alex. Your body betrays you every time. You’ve been tense the last few minutes.”

  “Sorry. I was just thinking about Willow.”

  Deacon chuckled. “You missing the rug rat already?”

  “Maybe a little. I’m not used to being here at the compound without her.”

  Nuzzling my neck, he flicked his tongue against my skin. “I’m sure I can think of something to get your mind off of her.”

  I giggled. “I’m sure you could.”

  Case poked his head out of the clubhouse meeting-room door. “You guys seen the latest invoices?”

  Rolling her eyes at her husband, Kim groaned. “Babe, would you get your ass over here and relax, for once?”

  “I would love to, but at the moment, I got shit to take care of before I can do that. That’s the reason I got fucking ‘president’ on my rocker.”

  “You know it isn’t good for your blood pressure,” she countered.

  “Hell, Case. It can wait till tomorrow, can’t it?” Deacon asked before taking a long swig of his beer.

  With a grunt, Case replied, “The rest of the shit can wait, but I gotta double-check these cargo invoices. It ain’t adding up at the moment, and unless I can find an error on my part, our asses are gonna be between a rock and a hard place.”

  Kim popped the top on another beer. “If you promise to be done in ten minutes, I’ll blow you out back.”

  Case’s brows shot up. “You serious?”

  Licking her tongue suggestively down the rim of the bottle, she replied, “Dead serious.”

  “Fuck,” he grunted, as he stepped out of the meeting-room doorway. “Give me five minutes to go down to the house and check. As long as I know they’re there, I’ll let it go for the rest of the afternoon. Okay?”

  Kim grinned. “Okay, baby.” Glancing over her shoulder at me, she winked. “Amazing what a man will do for head, eh?”

  I laughed. “Doesn’t surprise me one bit.”

  “Is that a fact?” Deacon questioned, his hand sliding up my stomach to graze the underside of my breast.

  “Yeah, it is,” I replied breathlessly.

  “You women think you have us pussy whipped,” Deacon mused.

  Cocking her head, Kim said, “It ain’t all pussy whipping. We got your cocks whipped, too.” As Case walked passed her, he sent a stinging smack across her ass.

  Deacon eased me out of his lap and onto my feet. “I’ll go with you, Prez. Once you have them, I’ll lock them up in the safe for the rest of night. Make sure you keep your word to unwind.”

  “Thank you, D. I’m glad someone cares about my husband’s well-being.”

  Winking at her, he replied, “I’m always going to go above and beyond to ensure one of my brothers gets some head.”

  It was Kim’s turn to do the ass smacking as she popped Deacon. “Go on and get out of here before I change my mind and he has even more issues with blue balls.”

  Deacon chuckled as he hustled to catch up with Case. Just as I was about to sit down, the jukebox changed over to some old-school tunes with Heart’s “What About Love?” Kim’s eyes rolled back in pleasure. “Oh my God, I love this song.”

  “Me too.”

  Crooking her finger at me, she began to sing along with the song. Never able to resist a chance at karaoke, I rose out of my chair and went over to her. Bishop groaned. “If I find out who paid for this one, I’ll kick his ass.”

  “They’re not that bad,” Rev said over us.

  “They’re not good, either,” Bishop replied, which earned him the bird from Kim.

  In the middle of our belting out the big finish, a loud roar ripped through the room. Windows rattled as the ground and walls vibrated. Bottles fell off the bar and crashed to the floor. It seemed to go on forever, but in truth, it probably lasted only a few seconds. When it was over, we all stared at one another, our faces a mixture of confusion and fear.

  “Oh, fuck,” Rev muttered at my side before turning to sprint out the back door. In one fluid motion, we all rushed forward after him. The moment I got outside, my heart felt like it shuddered to a stop. Smoke billowed out of Case’s house, where orange and red flames licked and danced over what was left of the frame.

  My world momentarily stilled. While I was frozen, everyone around me seemed to race around at warp speed. Raiders came out of every direction of the compound. At my side, Archer frantically called 911, and at the far end of the street, Beth’s silver-headed form began hurrying to the fire.

  As I tried to step forward to help, it seemed I was trudging through quicksand in the dreamlike world I found myself in. I shook my head, desperately hoping to shake myself out of the nightmare.

  Deacon is in that house. Deacon is in that house. Deacon is in that house!

  “CASE!” Kim screamed beside me before breaking into a run.

  Although I willed my body to move, it r
emained rooted to that spot. Like the flick of a switch, I was transported back to the day I stood outside the mechanized ER doors. The grim-faced doctor had just delivered the news to me and my uncle Jimmy of my parents’ deaths. As the doctor stood beckoning me to follow him to where he could take me to my parents’ bodies, I froze. It was like if I took one step forward, then I was acknowledging what had really happened, but if I stayed still and in that spot, it wasn’t real.

  Today was the exact same way. I watched with eyes wide with horror as the fire truck wailed past me, screeching to a stop at the front of Case’s house. Mac and Boone strained to hold Kim back. She fought hard against them, all the while screaming Case’s name at the top of her lungs. I said a silent prayer of thanks that none of Case and Kim’s five children were home. They had piled into the family van and left early this morning to spend the day at the mall and movies.

  Beth stood beside Kim, head bent, hands steepled in prayer. Rev and Bishop stood on either side of her, blanketing her in their protection. The other club members milled around in the street, shaking their heads in disbelief, with ashen expressions on their faces.

  Something scratched my legs, momentarily bringing me out of my trance. When I gazed down, Walter peered up at me, whining repeatedly. For a moment, I could only stare at him. It was like my arms ignored the message my brain was sending out. Finally, I managed to reach down and pick him up.

  As I buried my face in his soft fur, my emotions finally thawed into a raw agony. Silent tears slipped from my eyes to dampen Walter’s back. My chest felt like a watch that had been wound too tight. I wanted desperately to let go of the consuming emotions, but no matter how hard I silently wept, I couldn’t find any relief. When my cries turned over to sobs, the pain raged through my chest so savagely, it felt like I was burning from the inside out.

  When the last of the flames had finally been put out, there was little left that resembled the former duplex. Smoke still rose from the smoldering ashes. In a way it represented how the world around me now felt—blackened, devastated, in ruins. As I surveyed the expressions of those who had become my family, it seemed they were feeling the same way.

  Two firemen brought me out of my thoughts as they walked past me. “When do you think they’ll clear us to go inside to look for the bodies?” the younger asked.

  The older grunted. “Son, that wasn’t no hot water heater blowing up. It was an explosion caused by a bomb. That, coupled with the temperature of the fire it causes, and you ain’t gonna find shit. They’ll be lucky if they even have a pile of ashes to put in an urn.”

  My hand flew to my mouth to muffle both my scream and the bile that rose in my throat. The older fireman cut his gaze over to me. His expression turned apologetic. “I’m sorry, ma’am. I shouldn’t have said that where you could hear.”

  I didn’t respond. I couldn’t respond. After all, what does one say in this situation? My mind couldn’t even begin to wrap itself around the idea that Deacon was alive inside the clubhouse less than half an hour ago. Now he was gone, reduced to nothingness. In the end, my protector couldn’t save himself. The one place where he felt safe had somehow been breached. I didn’t have to wonder who had done this. Sigel had finally come for his revenge, and he’d struck a devastating blow to the Raiders by taking out its president and sergeant at arms.

  After the fire chief spoke to the crowd in a low tone, I watched as Rev wrapped his arms around Beth’s shoulders, trying to console her. But I could hear her anguished wails from where I was. Bishop stood by, placing a hand on his mother’s back. Despite Mac and Boone’s efforts, Kim’s body went limp, and she collapsed onto the ground. Just when I thought she had passed out, she began to pound her fists into the ground. “NOOOOO!” she screamed.

  As the other members of the Raiders consoled one another, I’d never felt more alone in my life. Even though I could have reached out to them for comfort, I knew all too well how isolating grief truly was. You could be in a room full of people yet still be all alone in your own private hell. Cradling Walter to my chest, I turned and walked into the empty roadhouse, which was silent as a tomb.

  I momentarily paused in front of the chair where Deacon had been sitting. I ran my free hand over the top rung, imagining his strong back pressed against it. If I closed my eyes, I could almost see him there, almost smell his scent still lingering in the air. Craning my ear, I tried desperately to hear his voice in the void.

  With nothing but emptiness surrounding me, I made my way back to his room. I closed the door and then trudged across the floor. Taking my cell phone off the nightstand, I actually had the presence of mind to text my principal that I wouldn’t be coming in tomorrow. The truth was I didn’t know when I would go back—if I even could. I’d picked up the pieces of a shattered life once before. Even though it had made me stronger, I wasn’t resilient. I didn’t know if I could come back from this.

  Collapsing down on the bed, I wrapped myself in the blanket that smelled overwhelmingly of him. Walter burrowed to my side, and I welcomed the comfort of his presence. Closing my eyes, I willed myself to sleep—to escape from the nightmare of my reality. To slip into an unconsciousness devoid of grief and sorrow. Where you never had to have those you love snatched away from you.

  And finally I slipped away.

  I was out of breath. My muscles screamed in agony, but I continued running. Dark woods with sinister-looking trees enveloped me. Fear like I’d never known pushed me on. I was running from something, but what, I didn’t know. Images from my past flashed before me like lightning crashing across the sky. My mother handing me a bouquet of bloodred roses at one of my ballet recitals. My father grinning as he pressed the car keys into my eager sixteen-year-old hands. Deacon’s intense dark eyes, a sheen of sweat across his tattooed chest, and his hips flexing at he pumped in and out of me.

  Each of the happy memories burst into shards of glass when I ran through them, cutting me with an emotional pain that didn’t seem to touch me physically. I reached the end of the woods only to find myself at the edge of a cliff. Whatever was coming for me grew closer and closer, and without a choice, I leaped off the cliff. As I began to free fall—

  With a piercing scream, I bolted upright in bed. I brought a shaky hand to my forehead and swept back the sweat-soaked strands of hair. Clutching my shirt over my heart, I willed myself to breathe normally again. As I became aware of where I was and why I was there, I realized there was no respite. I had just exchanged one nightmare for another.

  A gentle knock came at the door. “Alexandra?” Rev’s concerned voice questioned.

  “Yeah?” I croaked.

  As Rev came through the doorway, I immediately forgot my own pain, and instead, I focused on his. Anguish marred his usually handsome face. In the last twenty-four hours he had lost so much more than me, and the strain was evident on his face. “Are you okay? I heard you shout.”

  With a nod, I pulled myself up in bed. “Just a nightmare.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “After losing my parents, I should be used to it. I had them for months after they died. I guess it’s only to be expected now.”

  “I know what you mean. I had nightmares for years after …” Rev trailed off, a pained expression etched on his face. “Well, anyway, I just wanted to check on you.”

  “What time is it?”

  “A little after five in the morning.”

  “Haven’t you been to bed yet?”

  “Can’t seem to lie still.”

  Although I had originally come to Deacon’s room in the clubhouse for comfort, I didn’t think I could bear to be alone any longer. “Will you stay with me until I go to sleep?”

  Rev’s dark brows shot into his hairline. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

  “Why not?”

  He grimaced. “If Deacon were here, he’d kick my ass for being in bed with his old lady.”

  Before I could stop myself, a laugh tumbled from my lips as I imagined Deacon going b
allistic at the sight of me and Rev together. At Rev’s surprised expression, I shook my head. “You’re right. He would be pissed if he was here, but he isn’t. And considering he loved us, I think he would want us both to have a little comfort.”

  Rev weighed my words before he finally shut the door behind him. He closed the distance between us in two long strides. I scooted over in the bed as he eased down on the mattress. Slowly, he took off his boots. They thumped onto the floor before he collapsed back on the mattress. Without waiting for an invitation, I scooted over to him. He obliged me by raising his arm to let me snuggle up to him and lay my head on his T-shirt-covered chest.

  “How’s your mother doing?”

  Rev tensed beneath me. “Not good. Breakneck finally had to give her a shot. She’d probably still be pacing the floors and sobbing if he hadn’t.”

  Tears overflowed my eyes at the thought of Beth’s grief, sending moisture onto Rev’s shirt. Part of me thought I should be with her. But she had her boys. She and I would grieve together soon.

  Everything in my world had turned as black as the charred remains of Case’s house. And then out of nowhere, Willow’s smiling face popped into my mind. A groan of agony escaped my lips, causing Rev’s arm to tighten around me.

  “Oh God, Rev, what about Willow? They’re not supposed to be back until Wednesday.”

  “I figured we would go get her tomorrow. Tell her in person.”

  I couldn’t even fathom what it would be like to tell her, least of all what it would do to her. In the last eight months, she had lost her mother and now the father she had only just begun to know … and to love. “Bless her heart,” I murmured.

  “Alexandra, I know it might be too soon to say this, but I need to. Without Deacon, you might think you don’t have a place here anymore, but that isn’t true. You’re our family. We take care of old ladies. More than anything, Willow is going to need you.”