Vicious Cycle

by Katie Ashley

I lifted my head to stare into his troubled eyes. “I wasn’t planning on going anywhere. In case you missed it, I need you guys, too. I love you all.”

  He jerked his chin at me. “I’m glad to hear that.”

  Lying back down, I snuggled close to him. Silence stretched out between us as we were both overwhelmed by our own thoughts and grief. “Thank you for being here, Rev,” I whispered in the dark.

  “You’re welcome. And thank you, too.”

  Closing my eyes, I let the emotional exhaustion overwhelm me once again, and I fell into a deep sleep.

  When I woke again from a nightmareless sleep, Rev was gone. Flipping over in the bed, I eyed the clock. It was almost noon. I couldn’t believe I’d managed to sleep that long. Throwing back the covers, I rose from the bed. My arms and legs felt weighted down with the all-consuming grief that besieged me. Sleep had been a welcome respite, but now I was back to experiencing the full range of emotions. I found the hallway quiet and empty when I stepped out to go to the bathroom. Although I desperately needed coffee, my desire for a shower won out over everything else. I turned on the water as hot as it would go before slipping under the stream.

  I remained frozen, staring at the worn tile in front of me until the warm water ran out. The icy cold cascading over my head finally woke me up. I washed my hair and body in almost record time, my teeth chattering the entire time. When I got out, I rubbed the towel furiously over me, trying to warm up. I slipped on my robe and headed back to my room.

  As I dressed, I heard the sound of a woman’s anguished weeping. It didn’t take me but a second to realize it was Kim’s. Her and Case’s room was across the hall from Deacon’s. While in my own world of torment, I couldn’t begin to imagine her agony. Case had been the love of her life and the father of her children, but more than that, he had been her salvation from a life of hell. My heart ached for her so intensely I began to feel like I was smothering.

  My phone rang on the nightstand. When I glanced at the ID, my chest tightened even harder. I couldn’t bring myself to answer it. The door opened, and Rev stepped inside. He eyed the phone, and I shook my head. “It’s Willow.”

  “I figured it was when I heard the ringing.”

  Shaking my head, I said, “I can’t.”

  He took the phone from me. “Hey, rug rat, whatcha doing?”

  I heard her questioning voice all the way across from him. “Yeah, she’s busy, so I thought I’d answer her phone.” Willow then proceeded to rattle on.

  “Yeah, we were thinking about coming up to get you today—” He paused at Willow’s screech. “I know you just got there and you’re not supposed to come back until Wednesday.” His gaze flickered to mine.

  Let her stay, I mouthed.

  His brows shot up in surprise. “Hang on, rug rat,” he said before pressing the mute button on the phone.

  “She’s having so much fun, isn’t she?” At Rev’s nod, I said, “Give her a few more days of innocent fun. Who knows when she’ll be able to enjoy anything again.”

  After processing my words, he said, “You’re right. We’ll just wait to do a memorial until she gets back. We’ll be busy enough with Case’s.” Rev unmuted the phone. “Okay, rug rat, you get your way like usual. You can come back with Jimmy on Wednesday.” Tears stung my eyes at her excited squeal. A shadow of a smile played at his lips. “I’ll tell her. I love you, baby.”

  He then ended the call. “She wanted me to remind you to give Walter kisses for her like she asked.”

  A sob choked off in my throat as I thought about the day Deacon had brought me the squirming puppy and Willow had given him his unusual moniker. At that moment, I couldn’t stand to be in the compound one second longer. “I have to get out of here,” I said, my chin trembling.

  He merely nodded before offering me his hand. I slipped mine into his, and then we walked down the hall. The mood in the main room of the clubhouse was somber, to say the least. Where the men and women once talked and laughed as they drank, they now spoke in hushed tones if they even talked at all. Of course, all voices hushed at the sight of me.

  “Alex needs some time away from here. Take her wherever she needs to go,” Rev instructed Archer.

  “It would be my honor,” he replied.

  His words and the reverence with which he spoke them caused the familiar suffocating pain to ripple through me. While Deacon and I were far from marriage or even being engaged, I had come to be recognized as his widow, just like Kim.

  I leaned over to hug Rev. “I won’t be gone long.”

  “Take all the time you need.”

  With a nod, I started out of the roadhouse with Archer at my side. When he walked over to his bike, I faltered. I couldn’t imagine riding with anyone but Deacon. At my hesitation, he turned around. “If you’re not okay with this, we can take your car.”

  As I contemplated his words, I thought about how once I had gotten over my initial fear, the open road had felt so peaceful. “No, it’s fine.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Yeah, I’m sure.”

  He handed me a helmet, and I slipped it on. After I slid across the seat, my arms froze before I could bring them around him. It all felt so wrong—touching him as intimately as I had Deacon. When Archer glanced over his shoulder, he gave me a sad smile as if he knew exactly what I was thinking. With trembling hands, I finally reached forward and brought my arms around his waist. He gunned the engine, and we took off.

  “Where we going?” he called.

  “Haynes Road,” I shouted back.

  He nodded. There was only one place I could think of where I wanted to escape to. I couldn’t go back home. It held too many unpleasant memories. I would go to the one place that gave me purpose—the school.

  When we arrived, it was a little after three. All the students were gone except for the ones in the after-school program, which was housed in the gym and cafeteria. After we pulled into a parking space, I eased off the bike and handed the helmet back to Archer. I couldn’t begin to imagine the looks I was going to get from the teachers who remained in the building. Sure, some of them knew I was involved with a biker, and by now I’m sure they knew he was dead. I’d called my principal to ask for a few days off.

  Thankfully, I’d remembered my keys, so we were able to slip in one of the side doors, rather than going in the front. When I started into my classroom, I noticed that Archer’s feet seemed rooted to the floor. His posture seemed as if he were on high alert.

  Even though I already knew the answer, I asked, “You don’t want to come inside?”

  He shook his head. “I’ll wait out here.”

  “Okay.” While I should have felt comforted with him keeping an eye on things, I also didn’t want to be alone. Not even in my classroom, with its cheerfully decorated bulletin boards and posters. I slipped inside and closed the door behind me. Whoever they’d gotten to be my sub was obviously trying to survive with fifteen five-year-olds, because the room was a wreck.

  With a renewed sense of purpose pumping through me, I went to the closet and grabbed the necessary cleaning materials. I don’t know how long I spent washing down desks and chairs, scraping off clumps of glue, and reorganizing my bookshelves and centers. Ironically, it seemed to do me a lot of good. For that brief respite, I was able to forget that the man I loved more than anything in the world had been killed yesterday.

  Defeated by the painful cloud of grief that swelled around me, I walked over to my desk and collapsed down into the chair. Cradling my head in my hands, I wept openly and unashamedly. As I cried, images of Deacon and me together played through my mind. Him with Willow. Him with his brothers. Him in those last moments as he walked out the door to the horrible fate that awaited him.

  Once I began to recover, I swiped my arms across my moistened face. A tissue came into my line of sight. “Thank you, Archer,” I murmured, as I took it to dab my eyes.

  “You’re welcome, Miss Evans.”

  I jerked my head up at the str
anger’s voice. Every molecule in my body seemed to flare in distress. Although I wanted to scream for help, my vocal cords twisted in fear to where I could do nothing but squeak. When my gaze darted to the classroom doorway, the man held up his hand. “Don’t worry about the prospect. He’s only being momentarily detained. I didn’t find it necessary to shed his blood today.”

  “W-who are y-you?” I stammered.

  He flashed me a wicked smile. “I’m sure you already know the answer to that question, Miss Evans. You are a smart girl, being a teacher.”

  “Sigel?”

  With a flourished bow, he said, “The one and only.”

  “What are you doing here?”

  “I see you’re a woman who doesn’t beat around the bush. I’m glad to see that. I hate when my time is wasted. I’ve come here to pay my respects for the loss of your dearly departed boyfriend.”

  My fists clenched in my lap. Anger outweighed my fear, and I felt like at any minute I might launch myself at Sigel.

  Cocking his head, Sigel seemed to be weighing my body language. “I hope you will believe me when I say I had no idea Deacon would be anywhere near Case’s house.”

  “And I hope you will believe me when I say that is utter bullshit.”

  Sigel’s deep blue eyes widened at my statement. “I can see why Deacon liked you so much. You’re like a hellcat, aren’t you, Miss Evans?” Nausea washed over me at Sigel’s use of the word “hellcat.” It was one Deacon had used to tease me.

  When I refused to answer him, Sigel shook his head. “The plan was to take out Case, which would enrage Deacon enough to come after me. I would then be able to get my personal revenge. Trust me that having him taken out in a simple explosion served no purpose for me.” His expression darkened even further. “He received far too quick and painless a death, considering what I had in store for him.”

  While it was still hard to imagine that Sigel hadn’t planned on taking Deacon out, his words certainly gave me something to think about. “With Deacon dead, I can’t imagine what you could possibly want from me,” I said in a low voice.

  “You were once a very valuable commodity to me, Miss Evans. I’m sure that was made clear to you when you spent some time with my former associate, Crank.”

  Jerking my chin up at him, I said, “If you for one minute think you can use me to get to Willow, you might as well kill me right here and now. As long as I have a breath left within me, I’ll keep that child safe!”

  Sigel made a tsking noise in his throat. “You once again have missed the mark on this one, Miss Evans. I don’t want Deacon’s brat. While I’m sure her death would greatly affect Rev and some of the other brothers, it would do little for me, considering her father is now dead.”

  “Then what do you what?” I demanded, my voice shrill.

  “You know, they say it’s a small world, and I wouldn’t have actually believed how small it could be until you came into Deacon Malloy’s life.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “No, I don’t suppose you do. So let me refresh your memory. I’m sure you might’ve heard that cocksucker you spread your legs for mention that I had a son. A son that he murdered.”

  “In revenge for you killing his father,” I spat back.

  “Touché, Miss Evans. I suppose you subscribe to the Old Testament vengeance of an eye for an eye like your former boyfriend did.” When I didn’t answer him, he started a leisurely stroll around my desk, while his gaze roamed around. “You have a lovely classroom. In a way, it reminds me of your mother’s.”

  My heartbeat shuddered to a stop and then restarted. “Excuse me?”

  His eyes met mine. “I think you heard me right.”

  “But how is it possible that you knew my mother?”

  “You see this is where our small worlds collide. Once upon a time, your mother taught my son, Andy. It was second or third grade. I don’t remember exactly now.”

  “Second. She only ever taught kindergarten and second,” I murmured softly.

  “Ah, thank you for reminding me.” Sigel came to face me again. “Your mother was one hell of a nosy bitch. Instead of worrying about all the snot-nosed brats she had to teach, she focused on Andy. She couldn’t seem to believe that he got the bruises on his arms and legs from simply playing. She didn’t seem to understand that I subscribed to a very old-school form of discipline for my children. So she turned the case over to the local CPS. I couldn’t have them snooping around in my life, so we disappeared. We hopped from county to county, never going too far from my club.” His soulless blue eyes focused on mine. “One thing that could be said for your mother was that she had one hell of a memory. I thought I’d put enough time and space between the former charges when I moved back and Andy started high school.”

  Slowly the pieces of the puzzle began to fall into place. “Was he one of my father’s students?”

  “My, my, aren’t you smart. Yeah, he ended up having your old man. I guess over dinner or some shit, he started talking about how he was so worried about one of his students. And when he mentioned the name, your mother recognized it. That night I got a call from your father. He wanted answers and reminded me of the former case against me. My usual methods of persuasion didn’t seem to work on him, even when I threatened something happening to you.”

  Closing my eyes, I couldn’t begin to imagine what that call was like for my father. Nothing mattered more to him in the world than his wife and kids. But at the same time, he had a passion deep within him to stand up for what was right, even if it meant the potential for those he loved to be hurt.

  “In the end, I was fucking tired of being forced to run, so I decided to take a different course of action.”

  His words caused a shiver to run from the top of my head down my spine. “But they died in a car accident,” I said lamely.

  “Yes, they did. A car accident brought on by faulty brakes and an unmarked car that hit them, causing them to go off that ravine.”

  My hand flew to my mouth to stop the scream building in my throat. The jumbled and jangled emotions filling my body made me feel like I was tied into a straitjacket and thrashing to get loose. It was overwhelming. The entire last ten years of my life were based on a lie. My parents hadn’t died in an accident. They’d been murdered. Their deaths had been coldly calculated by the piece of shit who stood in front of me.

  “Thankfully, your father hadn’t flapped his gums to any of his coworkers, so no one knew that he had almost blown the lid on me, which would have affected my club. Of course, I hated that your kid brother was in the car. I never intended for you two to get hurt.”

  Tears of anguish and rage stung my eyes. As I stared at Sigel, I wondered what possible motive or intention he had for telling me this. I was already a woman on the edge because of him. I was barely surviving after losing the man I loved. It was too much. Far too much.

  “W-why would you t-tell me this?” I stammered, barely able to get the words out.

  “Because you’re entitled to the truth. And because I hope it will influence you to do what I’m about to ask of you.”

  With a mirthless laugh, I countered, “How could you possibly think after just telling me you murdered my parents that I’ll want to do anything for you?” This man had a very loose grip on his sanity. He was seriously delusional if he thought I could trust him.

  “Because while you can’t bring your parents back, your cooperation allows for your brother to remain safe, along with Malloy’s kid.”

  I sucked in a harsh breath. “You’re blackmailing me.”

  Sigel lifted one shoulder apathetically. “If you want to call it that. I like to think of it as insurance, or even collateral. We’re both putting up something in good faith to ensure an outcome.”

  “After all that you’ve done, how can I possibly trust you?”

  “You’ll have to figure that out for yourself, Miss Evans.” Sigel placed both his palms down on my desk and leaned forward. “I know after what happen
ed with Case and Deacon that there will be retaliation by the Raiders against my club. But before that happens, I want you to bring me something—something the Raiders took from me.”

  “You want me to steal something?”

  “It’s rightfully mine, Miss Evans. Or at least it was my son’s.”

  Eyeing him curiously, I asked, “What is it?”

  He pushed off my desk and began to pace the room. Something about the item agitated him. Finally, he turned back to me. “In the club world, a man’s cut is sacred. From the moment you’re patched in, it becomes your second skin. You sew on your own patches and care for the leather. You don’t ever abandon it somewhere for your brothers to teasingly take it or for your enemy to steal it.” Reaching in his own cut, Sigel produced a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. I didn’t bother informing him that there was no smoking on school grounds.

  After taking a long drag, Sigel’s eyes bored into mine. “Deacon Malloy didn’t just walk up to my son and shoot him. Nor did he take a knife to him. That cocksucker tortured him for a good two hours.”

  If he had intended his words to have an effect on me, he got one. My stomach churned, and I had to fight against the urge to throw up. It was unfathomable to me that the Deacon I loved could do such a horrible thing to another person, even in revenge for his father’s death.

  Exhaling a cloud of smoke, Sigel said, “Besides making my boy suffer through two hours of torture, he did the most disrespectful thing a fellow biker can do. He took Andy’s cut. That shoulda been something we buried him in, but Deacon took that from us.”

  “You think that Andy’s cut is somewhere in the Raiders compound?”

  “Oh, I know it is.”

  “But what if Deacon burned it or destroyed it somehow?”

  Sigel shook his head. “You don’t get rid of war prizes. That cut is somewhere in that clubhouse, and you’re going to find it.”

  “What if I can’t?”

  “Oh, I know you will. You value your life and the life of your brother and Malloy’s brat too much to fail.”

  “Once I bring you this cut, you swear not to hurt Willow or me?”