Vicious Cycle

by Katie Ashley

  He laughed. “Whatever.”

  “And thank you. For today. For everything.”

  As the unspoken hung heavy between us, he nodded. “You’re welcome.”

  Turning around, I headed back up the walk. After unlocking the door, I purposely refused to look to my left. With my emotions already going haywire, I couldn’t even acknowledge the kitchen or what had happened there. Regardless of the fact I tried to escape them, the memories of that horrible night rocketed through my mind, causing me to gasp.

  Pushing myself forward, I hurried up the stairs, anxious to put as much distance as I could between me and the kitchen. When I got to my bedroom, I went straight for the bathroom. The moment I turned on the water, the tears pooled in my eyes like I had turned them on as well. After stripping out of my clothes, I slipped into the shower. Standing under the spray, I let the water wash away the tears that continued to fall. I thought by now I would be devoid of any moisture, but just like my grief seemed to have no cap to its depths, neither did my tears.

  When I finished, I toweled off and slid into the silky blue robe that hung behind the bathroom door. I knew there would be no way I would fall asleep on my own tonight, not even with Archer hanging around. As soon as I took my sleeping pill, I wanted to at least order him a pizza—something to compensate for having to babysit me, even if he did say it was an easy job.

  Opening the medicine cabinet, I took out the pills that my therapist had first started prescribing for me after my parents were killed. Now another tragic loss, another reason to take a blue pill to escape the torment of grief through sleep.

  I closed the cabinet and reached for the glass on the counter. Something caught my eye, and I glanced up into the mirror. The bottle of pills clattered onto the counter. Both my hands flew to my mouth. Without a word, I shook my head back and forth, willing myself to wake up from the dream I surely found myself in. But nothing changed.

  “Babe,” a gentle voice said.

  Framed in the doorway of my bathroom was Deacon.

  The ability to speak had abandoned me. Instead, my body shook and trembled as I tried to come to terms with what was before me. His eyes never leaving mine, Deacon stepped into the bathroom. Taking slow steps, he closed the gap between us. When his hand came up to cup my cheek, my knees buckled. I would have sunk onto the tile if Deacon hadn’t reached out and grabbed me by the shoulders. Easing me back, he gripped my waist and hoisted me onto the counter.

  Turning on the faucet, he poured me a glass of water. When he brought it to my lips, I reluctantly took a few sips. I didn’t know how simple water could possibly help at this moment. I needed a stiff drink.

  “Y-you’re a-alive?” I stammered.

  He nodded.

  “But how? The bomb … the fire.”

  Deacon ran a hand through his hair. “Walter had followed me and Case down there. Just as Case went inside the house, Walter took off into the woods after a deer. I knew he would get lost, and you and Willow would have my ass. I took two steps into the woods, and the explosion knocked me down.”

  I tried processing his words. He’d never been in the house. Walter, the gift he had given me, had saved his life. For the past two days, he’d been alive, holed up somewhere, as those he loved mourned his loss.

  Launching myself at him, I began to slap his face and chest while my legs kicked him as hard as I could. “Dammit, Alexandra, what the hell is wrong with you?” he demanded, as he deflected some of my hits.

  “What’s wrong with me? Do you have any idea what the last two days have been like for me?” When he didn’t respond, I grabbed the sides of his face and screamed, “A living hell! A hell where the man I’d loved was ripped from me and I was left to pick up the pieces!”

  “I’m so sorry.”

  A hysterical laugh bubbled from my lips as I teetered precariously close to losing the fragile thread of sanity I had left. “That’s all you can say is you’re sorry? Well, fuck you, and fuck your bullshit apologies.”

  Shoving him aside, I hopped down from the counter and stalked into the bedroom. I got halfway to the door that led out onto the balcony when Deacon grabbed my arm and jerked me back against him. My eyelids snapped shut as I momentarily allowed myself to enjoy being in his arms again, savoring the smell of his musky scent.

  When I recovered, I thrashed against him, trying to get away. “Would you just listen to me for a second? For Christ’s sake, Alexandra. I didn’t fake my own death to be an asshole. I had my reasons for not coming forward.”

  “They must’ve been pretty damn good reasons to hurt your family like you did.”

  Deacon winced at my words. “I needed Sigel to think I was dead. After the explosion, as I lay there in the woods, I realized I was a sitting duck. If Sigel would take down my president to draw me out, he would stop at nothing. Dying was the best way to protect my family.”

  “Let me go,” I growled through clenched teeth.

  “I’m sorry for hurting you, Alex. You know how I feel about you and that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you.”

  I had to get away from him. If I kept listening to him, my resolve would fade, and I would accept his apology. I would understand his reasoning. And I couldn’t do that. If there was anything the last two days had taught me, it was that being involved with Deacon and his world was a hazard to my safety and sanity.

  To escape him, I went with a literal knee-jerk reaction to his balls. As he groaned in pain, I pried myself out of his arms. Knowing I needed help, I threw open the balcony door. An ominous boom of thunder met me as I stepped outside. How fitting that a real storm was brewing as I found myself in my own emotional one. Leaning against the railing, I gazed down on the yard. The trees and bushes were so thick around the balcony, along with it being so dark, that it was hard to see.

  “What the hell are you doing?”

  Glancing at Deacon over my shoulder, I replied, “Archer’s somewhere outside. I’m going to scream until he comes, so he can throw you out!”

  “I told Archer to hang back and give us some privacy for the night. Then I’ll go back to the compound tomorrow and explain everything to my family. I want you to come with me.”

  I shook my head. “After what I’ve been through, I’m not going anywhere with you. Not now, not ever again.”

  Deacon’s dark eyes narrowed at me. “I’m willing to overlook that little stunt you just pulled because of how hurt you are. But hear me when I say this. Quit fucking playing, Alex.”

  “I can assure you that I’m not playing. I’ve not been playing for the last two days as I wept over you and what we had lost. I won’t put myself through that ever again. I may love you, but I’ve got to love myself and my sanity more.”

  Jagged bolts of lightning sliced across the night sky, illuminating Deacon’s face in the dark. He wore an expression of pure rage, but something else also flashed in his eyes.

  Lust.

  Shrinking back against the railing, I tried to come up with the best means of escaping him. But before I could try to run, he jerked me against him. “You’re not going anywhere, Alex, so get that fucking look out of your eyes.”

  Once again, I found myself trapped in his strong arms. In a futile attempt, I tried shrugging away. When I dared to look up at him, his gaze burned into me, practically singeing my flesh. My traitorous body came alive under his stare, causing an ache between my legs. “Don’t, Deacon. I don’t want you.”

  “Yeah, you do.”

  Jerking my chin up at him, I spat, “I don’t fuck people I hate.”

  “You don’t hate me. You just said two seconds ago that you loved me.”

  He momentarily lessened his hold on me. His hands came to the lapels of my robe, jerking it open. He tore the silk fabric down my arms to let the material pool at my feet. As he stared at me naked before him, desire blazed in his eyes as white-hot as the lightning above us.

  “I would die a thousand deaths just to get to see you like this. Just to have
another chance to bury my cock deep inside you.”

  Even as his words caused a shudder to run through me, I made an X with my arms over my breasts, tears pooling in my eyes. “If I give myself to you again, I’m lost. I can’t come back from this again. I might as well leap off this balcony.”

  Grabbing me around the waist, Deacon pulled me to him. “You’re not giving anything. I’m taking what’s mine.” With one hand, he jerked his belt loose. “You are mine, Alex. Death or hell won’t ever change how I feel about you.” His breath scorched my forehead. “Nothing will ever change how much I love you. You own me—mind, heart, body, and soul.”

  Tears spilled over my cheeks at his words. “Deacon,” I moaned before I crashed my lips against his. Dropping my arms, I reached between us to the fly of his jeans. Frantically, I undid the button and zipper before pushing the fabric over his hips. Once his cock was free, Deacon grabbed me by the thighs. He hoisted me up, then impaled me. I cried out at the intense sensation of him filling me. He slowly withdrew before plunging even deeper into me. My nails scoured his back until I felt the blood well beneath them.

  The clouds opened up, sending a deluge of rain pouring over us. The storm raged with thunder cracking across the sky, rattling the windows. Wind howled through the trees, drowning out our moans of pleasure and the slapping of our soaked skin.

  “Lean back,” Deacon commanded. Obeying him, I released my hands from Deacon’s shoulders. They momentarily flailed until they made contact with the slippery iron railing. My new position gave him the leverage he needed to pump harder and harder inside me. As he bent over, his mouth sought out my breasts, alternating between the two to suckle the nipples into hardened points.

  “Yes, Deacon, yes!” I cried as I gazed up at him.

  He was Lazarus rising—rising over me as our bodies hastily joined in a raw communion. He was the darkness, and I was the light—we were the perfect storm of opposites, raging against each other in perfect harmony. We let the tempest overwhelm us as life and death had new meaning, and we had a resurrection and rebirth.

  Crying out, I came hard, clenching around Deacon’s pumping cock. He followed shortly after me with a harsh groan. When the aftershocks finally started to fade, he pulled me up and wrapped his arms around me. “I love you,” he whispered.

  Cradling his head in my hands, I said, “I love you, too.”

  As he slid out of me, I hissed slightly at the burning inside me. His brows shot up in concern. “Was I too hard?”

  “No. You were good. So good.”

  Deacon gave me a cocky grin as he set me on my feet. When he glanced down between us, he suddenly winced. “Shit, I forgot a condom.”

  “It’s okay. I’m on the pill.”

  “You trust that I’m clean?” he asked almost incredulously.

  While I probably should have been concerned, I nodded. “More than anything, I trust you.”

  His expression grew serious. “You can’t imagine how much that means to me.”

  “That I let you go bareback?”

  “No, that a woman like you trusts a man like me.”

  “Well, I do,” I replied, raking my fingers through his hair.

  “I trust you, too. More than any other woman I’ve ever been with.” He knelt down before me to grab my robe off the floor. Using the silky material, he began to clean the evidence of our union off my thighs. When he finished, he rose back up to stare at me. The intensity in his eyes made me shiver. “One day I’d like you to go off the pill.”

  “Is that right?”

  He nodded. “I want to make a baby with you.”

  I couldn’t help the wave of shock that ran through my body at his statement. It was the last thing in the world I’d imagined he would want, least of all say out loud. “Y-you do?” I finally stammered.

  He nodded, his thumb tracing over my bottom lip. At what must have been the fear in my eyes, he said, “You’re not your past, Alexandra. You’re already the best mother anyone could ever be to Willow. You’re everything I could want when it comes to being the mother of my child.”

  Tears stung my eyes at his words. “You’re the only man I want to father my children. As much as I love Willow, I want a piece of you and me together.”

  He smiled. “You’ll have it. And when he gets here, I hope he takes after you instead of his old man.”

  I hiccupped a laugh. “Him? What if it’s a girl?”

  His enthusiasm dampened a little. “I’m not sure I can take another girl. Willow is like fifteen girls rolled into one.”

  “Wait until she’s a teenager.”

  Deacon threw his head back and groaned. “I can’t even fucking think about that now.”

  A teasing smile curved my lips. “For the way you’ve been with women, it would serve you right if you had a houseful of daughters.”

  “You’re killing me, babe.”

  Standing on my tiptoes, I brought my mouth to his. Deacon responded by wrapping his arms around my waist. Just as his tongue began to dance tantalizingly along mine, I broke away from him. “Having a baby together is a big commitment. Are you sure you know what you’re saying?”

  He narrowed his eyes at me. “I sure as hell do. I ain’t some asshole who wants a bunch of baby mamas. I want one woman to raise my children.”

  “Inside of marriage?”

  He swallowed hard, sending his Adam’s apple bobbing up and down. If the conversation hadn’t been so serious, I might have laughed at his horrified expression. Finally, he drew in a ragged breath. “Yeah, I could see it within marriage.”

  “You want to marry me someday?” I asked. Although there was a teasing lilt in my voice, my heartbeat fluttered wildly as I waited for his response.

  Deacon cocked his brows at me while amusement danced in his eyes. “You fishing for a proposal, White-Bread?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe.”

  “Then maybe someday you’ll get it,” he replied with a wink. Then he dipped his head to bestow a gentle kiss on my lips. “Ain’t never wanted to get married before you. Guess it makes sense you would be the one I would marry.”

  “You’re so romantic,” I replied with a grin that hid my exultation.

  “I am what I am, babe. You ain’t getting anything else.”

  “I’ll take you—just as you are.” After a few breathless moments of kissing, I once again pulled back. “Are you sure you shouldn’t go see your brothers tonight?”

  “I should. But I want nothing more than to be alone with you.” He kissed me again. “Another twelve hours isn’t going to matter much for Rev and Bishop to get to kick my ass.”

  With a giggle, I replied, “You deserve it.”

  “After everything, you do understand why I did what did, don’t you?”

  “As much as I hate to admit it, yes, I do. I just wish there had been a way you could have let us know you were all right.”

  Deacon shook his head. “Appearances are everything. If my family and brothers hadn’t truly been grieving, then the plan wouldn’t have worked.”

  “Well, Sigel bought the lie that you were dead. That’s for sure.” The moment the words left my lips, regret flooded me. Deep down, I felt like I shouldn’t have mentioned Sigel’s visit to me at the school. Like I had just unknowingly taken a pin off of a grenade.

  Tightening his arms around me, Deacon asked, “What do you mean? Did you see him?”

  Knowing full well that Rev and Bishop would tell him about the encounter, I replied, “He paid me a visit yesterday.”

  “Tell me everything,” Deacon demanded.

  One of my favorite poems had always been Robert Frost’s “The Road Not Taken.” As I stood there in Deacon’s arms, I faced my own crossroads. One way would be the easy route where I told Deacon about Sigel wanting the cut. That way would lead to a showdown that would end with one or both of them dead. I had just gotten Deacon back. I didn’t intend to lose him again.

  The second path entailed the plan I had masterminded on the bac
k of Archer’s bike. It involved me not only lying to the man I loved, but it meant putting myself into extreme danger to ensure the safety of the ones I held dear. In the end, it wasn’t as hard a choice as I had thought it would be. It was the reason why I’d stolen the cut tonight. Only I would face Sigel when it came to handing over the cut.

  “He wanted me to know that I didn’t have to worry about him coming after me or Willow. That with you out of the picture, the slate was clean,” I lied.

  Deacon’s brows furrowed. “He came to your school just to tell you that?”

  “I think he knew he wouldn’t have a shot to talk to me anywhere else that wouldn’t be overrun with Raiders. Maybe it was a ploy to make the Raiders back off of me. I don’t know.”

  “I don’t know, either, but whatever it is, I sure as hell don’t like it. I’m assuming Willow is still safe with Jimmy and Joy in the mountains?”

  “But how did you know Willow was still there and not with us?”

  He gave me a shadowy smile. “I have my ways of checking on her.”

  “Some sort of GPS like in my bracelet?”

  “Yeah.”

  After I bent down to pick up my now-soiled robe, Deacon reached out for me. His expression was grave. “Alexandra, you wouldn’t lie to me about Sigel, would you? I know you might think you were protecting me, but more than anything, I need you to be honest.”

  My heartbeat thrummed so wildly in my ears that I was sure Deacon could hear it. Swallowing the lump in my throat that threatened to choke me, I replied, “Why would I lie to you?”

  “You tell me.”

  “From what I’ve seen of your world, Deacon, there wouldn’t be any benefit in keeping something from you. As much as I would like to be noble and protect you, I know how stupid and naive that would be. At the end of the day, I need your protection far more than you need mine, so you need to know everything to protect me, right?”

  After he searched my face for what seemed like an eternity, Deacon’s tense expression began to fade. I fought the urge to exhale in relief. Instead, I decided to change tactics by forcing a smile to my face. I cocked my head almost provocatively at him. “Thanks to you, I need a shower, and you could probably use one, too.”