Vicious Cycle

by Katie Ashley

  A sly grin slunk across his face. “Is that an invitation?”

  Wagging my eyebrows, I replied, “Of course.”

  “Then get your sexy ass in the shower.”

  “My pleasure.”

  With my chest constricting in agony, I followed Deacon into the bedroom. My one request of Deacon was to always be honest with me. And here I was being completely dishonest as well as deceiving him. Regardless of the sick feeling in the pit of my stomach, I wasn’t going to back down. I had to do this for me, for Deacon, and for Willow.

  But I couldn’t think about what lay ahead just now. I needed Deacon. I needed to be held by him, loved by him, fucked by him. And that outweighed everything else on my mind.

  The moment I walked through the clubhouse back door, my brothers launched themselves at me and quickly overtook me. It wasn’t just Rev and Bishop either. Most of the hometown charter, including the prospects, had a go at me. There was pushing, shoving, punching, and some fuckers even low blowed me by kicking me in the shins and the balls. When it was all over, I had a busted lip, what would be a shiner in the morning, and probably some bruised ribs.

  But I wouldn’t have taken anything else for having my brothers welcome me back to life in the only way they really knew how. I sure as hell didn’t think I would come in to hugs and tears. That shit was for pussies and the Raiders women.

  “I think this calls for a round to celebrate,” Bishop said, jerking his chin at Cheyenne. When I followed his gaze to her, I registered the grief-stricken expression on her face. While she was glad to have me back, she knew she would never have me. My body and, most important, my heart now belonged to Alexandra. Breaking eye contact with me, she got busy pouring beers.

  “We’re going to need to sit down in the next hour for church. We need to get you up to speed on all that’s happened the last couple of days,” Rev said.

  “Sure, man. Whatever we need to do.” I took in the newly sewn PRESIDENT patch on his cut.

  Glancing over Rev’s shoulder, I saw Kim sitting on one of the barstools. In her black jeans, black boots, and black T-shirt, she looked every bit the part of a biker widow. My throat clenched like someone had grabbed me by the neck and cut off my air supply. I would have rather faced down Sigel in a dark alley than have to see her. Picking up one of my feet, I slowly made my way over to her.

  When I reached her, tears streamed down her cheeks. “Thank God you’re alive,” she said before she began sobbing hysterically. She threw herself into my arms. She pressed her face into my chest, her cries becoming muffled. But in my head, I heard them just as fucking loudly as if a cannon were going off around me.

  “I’m sorry, Kim,” I murmured into her ear. “I’m so fucking sorry.”

  Pulling away, she stared up at me. “I know you are.”

  “I want you to know I didn’t run out on him. Because of Alex’s wild-ass puppy, I didn’t even get in the house.”

  Kim pressed her palm against my cheek. “Oh, honey. I know you wouldn’t have ever sacrificed Case. You loved him as much as he loved you.”

  I groaned as the tears I forcefully fought burned my throat and stung my eyes. “I did love him. I loved him like a father—like I loved Preacher Man.” I took her hand from my face and placed it over my heart. “I swear to you that I will protect and provide for you and his kids. Anything you need, you just ask.”

  Kim’s expression momentarily darkened. Instead of sadness, anger burned in her eyes. “The only thing I ask of you is to never, ever let one of my sons patch into this club. No matter how bad they want what their daddy had, you don’t let them in.” She shook her head. “I won’t lose my babies like I lost their daddy.”

  My mind went to their thirteenand fifteen-year-old sons, Ben and Eric. Since they were little, they’d been at every Raiders family function. They often begged Case to let them come during the week. All they had ever known was a father who was an MCer. I couldn’t imagine even trying to deny them when the time came. I hoped that by then Kim’s grief would have lessened and she would change her mind.

  But in this moment, I had to do whatever I could to comfort her. “You have my word.”

  “Thank you, Deacon,” she replied, leaning up to bestow a kiss on my cheek.

  A beer was thrust into each of our hands. I searched the crowd for Alexandra. When I found her, I motioned for her to come to me. With a shy smile, she wove in and out of the people to join me.

  Bishop raised his glass. “To my brother Deacon, who I always knew was a pussy, but since he seems to have nine lives, he now confirms it.”

  Laughter went up around the room. Before we could take a sip, Bishop held up his hand. “And to the memory of one of the finest fucking presidents the Raiders ever had. To Case.”

  “To Case,” echoed around the room.

  With tears streaking down her cheeks, Kim set her beer down on the bar and headed down the hallway to her and Case’s old room. “I’ll go to her,” Alexandra said.

  “Thanks, babe.”

  I downed my glass in three foamy chugs. Then I headed straight to the boardroom. I knew that Rev wouldn’t rest easy until he was able to unload everything on me. My brothers followed me one by one into the room.

  A freaky feeling, almost like a trippy flashback, pricked its way over me as I watched Rev take a seat in Case’s old chair. I’d never given much thought to how much Rev looked like Preacher Man until I saw him sitting there with a gavel in his hand. I took my usual seat. Bishop eased in beside me.

  Even though I’d been gone only three days, a lot of shit had happened. We had Case’s funeral to deal with. It had been decided to wait until the weekend, so that more out-of-town members and other clubs could pay their respects. Selfishly, I almost wished that I had missed the whole damn thing. I didn’t want to have to deal with all the emotions that I knew the final good-bye would bring up. A double dose of guilt ate its way through me. Guilt for my feelings about not wanting to give Case the proper respect as well as the fact that it could have been me boxed up in an urn. I’d outsmarted the Grim Reaper many times, but this last time, I could feel his hot breath on my neck.

  “I say we hold off on patching in the prospects and voting on officers until next week. I don’t want it to look like we’re business as usual when we’re in mourning for Case,” Rev said before glancing around the table to gauge our reaction.

  Mac nodded. “I second that.”

  Once it was unanimously decided that we put off any official club business, the meeting was adjourned. After the others filed out, Rev and Bishop stayed behind with me. “Although I’m glad as hell you’re alive, I could kill you for putting us through what you did,” Bishop said.

  I laughed. “I know, brother. If there had been any other way, I swear to you, I would have taken it. But it was the best way to get an edge on Sigel.”

  “How do you think we should handle the issue of the cut?” Rev asked.

  Creasing my brows, I asked, “What cut?”

  Rev and Bishop exchanged a glance. “Didn’t Alex tell you about Sigel demanding she bring him Andy’s cut?” Rev asked.

  I inhaled a sharp breath. “No, she didn’t.”

  “That’s why he came to see her at the school. He wants her—and only her—to bring it to him,” Rev replied.

  When I didn’t respond, Bishop said, “We weren’t ever going to let her go into it alone, man. Don’t think that just because you were gone, we would have sacrificed her. We’ve been racking our brains about how to wire up that fucking cut to explode on Sigel.”

  At that moment, I couldn’t think about or focus on anything other than the fact that Alex had lied to me. Rising out of my chair, I shook my head. “I need to go to talk to Alex. Figure out what the fuck is going on.”

  Rev’s expression turned cautionary. “Don’t be hard on her. I’m sure she just didn’t want to worry or upset you right after she got you back.” With a pointed look, he added, “She’s been to hell and back, brother.”


  “I understand.” It wasn’t like I was going to storm back to my room and throw shit around until Alex came clean with me. I just wanted to know every single detail about what had happened in her meeting with Sigel. I hoped she hadn’t left anything else out.

  What happened next was something I would have never, ever imagined. The kind of knock-you-on-your-ass shock. Life threw me one hell of a fucking curveball, and the woman I loved was the very one to pitch it.

  After trying my best to comfort Kim, I felt terrible that I had to leave her with some of the other club women so that I could go get ready for Parents Night. Although my principal had assured me that it would be all right for me to miss it, I wanted to go. Even before Deacon’s resurrection, I had planned to be there for my students and their parents.

  A quick shower later, I stood in front of Deacon’s chest of drawers, putting on my underwear. The shrill ring of my phone caught me off guard, causing me to jump. But when I glanced down at the ID, a stone-cold dread rocketed through me. With trembling hands, I picked up the phone. “H-hello?” I croaked.

  “Miss Evans, your time is up. I want the cut. Tonight.”

  “Okay.”

  “I assume that means you got it.”

  “Yes, I did.”

  At my hesitation, Sigel asked, “Then what is the problem?”

  “The only thing is it’s Parents Night at my school. I’ve promised my principal I would be there.”

  “That won’t be a problem at all.”

  “It won’t?”

  “No. In fact, I think it works better than any plan I had in mind. I had already anticipated meeting you somewhere there was a crowd—somewhere your Raiders brothers couldn’t try retaliation without incriminating themselves. A school full of parents and children is positively brilliant.”

  His voice made my skin crawl. “You promise that no one will get hurt?”

  “Miss Evans, it hurts me that you doubt my sincerity. Besides, like the Raiders, I don’t want to do anything that would bring attention to me from the authorities. I would think shooting up a school would rank pretty high on the list of having the police and ATF on my ass.”

  “If you say so.”

  “Go on and perform like a good show pony. I’ll call you with the location within the school to meet me.”

  He ended the call. As I pulled the phone from my ear, I stared down at it. Although I’d known this day was coming and coming soon, nothing compared to actually having the wolf outside the door. When you devise a plan, it always seems good in theory. Sure, you might experience some what-ifs, but in your mind, it gets executed flawlessly.

  Yesterday when I asked Rev and Bishop to teach me how to use a knife, I’d had ulterior motives. While I wanted to learn how to protect myself, my real motive was much darker. On the way back to the compound, a sinister thought from the dark side of my psyche began to push and shove its way into the front of my mind.

  I had stood before a mental scale of justice and weighed Sigel’s sins. He had taken two of the most important people in my life away. He had almost killed my brother. At that time, I’d thought he had killed the man I loved, but instead, he had killed the president of his club.

  As long as Sigel breathed, he would be a threat to Willow, Charlie, and to me. Now that Deacon wasn’t out of the picture, as Sigel thought, he would finally have the showdown that they had been building toward. I didn’t want to face that reality again so soon after having him back. I wanted to save Willow from the fate of being an orphan.

  Sigel had to die.

  And I was going to kill him.

  Tonight I would continue to be Willow’s protector and then my parents’ avenger by taking justice into my own hands.

  Clutching the phone, I didn’t hear Deacon come into the bedroom. The sound of his voice caused me to jump. “Who was that?”

  “Oh, just Uncle Jimmy,” I answered.

  “Is he wanting us to come get Willow ASAP because she’s driving him crazy?”

  I laughed. “No, nothing like that.” After I set the phone down on the chest of drawers, I asked, “Your meeting go okay?”

  “Well, it did up until I found out you’d lied to me.”

  My hand froze as I reached to pull my skirt off the chair. I couldn’t bring myself to look at him. “What do you mean?”

  “I found out from Rev and Bishop that more happened in your meeting with Sigel than you told me.”

  I swallowed hard. Frantically, I searched my mind for a way to defuse the potentially volatile situation I found myself in. “Oh, that,” I replied, with a flippant wave of my hand.

  “Yeah, that.”

  Turning toward him, I sighed. “I’m sorry, Deacon. I’d just gotten you back. I wanted to enjoy the time I had with you, not have you getting needlessly angry. There was nothing malicious or calculated in what I did.”

  Lies. All lies.

  Deacon’s accusing gaze turned over to one of hunger. He seemed to appreciate my lacy black and pink panty and bra set. In that fraction of a second, I knew what I had to do. “You’re looking at me like you want to devour me,” I said in a throaty whisper.

  “I do.”

  “Mmm, maybe I should give you a quickie. Whet your appetite a little until I can get back.”

  “I like the sound of that.”

  “Get on the bed,” I commanded.

  Deacon’s brows shot up at my authoritative tone. “Excuse me?”

  “Just taking the reins, cowboy. I need to top you so I don’t mess my hair up.”

  He grinned. “Just don’t forget who’s the real boss around here.”

  “Oh, I’m well aware of that one.”

  When he flopped back on the bed, I took a shaky step forward. With trembling fingers, I opened the nightstand drawer. Instead of taking out one of the gold foil packets, I grabbed the handcuffs that we’d played with at the Lounge.

  Swinging them around my fingers, I winked at him. “Let’s play a little cowboy and bad cop together.”

  Deacon’s eyes widened. “What the hell has gotten into you?”

  I shrugged. “Just glad to have you back—that’s all. Got a lot of fantasies to enact together.”

  “If you say so, babe,” he replied with a chuckle.

  “Raise your arms.” He hastily complied by bringing his arms over his head. His hands reached out for the intricately designed rails in the iron bed. It was now or never. Once I handcuffed Deacon, there was no going back with him or with Sigel. Deacon held up a code of loyalty and honesty, and I was breaking that. I wasn’t sure he could ever forgive me for what I was about to do.

  I couldn’t help but wonder if I was looking into the eyes of the man I loved with all my heart for the last time with love between us. I was standing on the tracks, staring down a runaway train.

  The clasp of the handcuffs echoed around the room. For a moment I kept my hands wrapped around them, unblinking and unmoving. Then I slowly pulled away. I took a step back and then another. Deacon’s brows crinkled. “What are you doing?”

  Ignoring him, I grabbed my skirt off the chair and slid it on. When I went for the silky blue blouse with the ruffled front, Deacon asked, “Is this part of the game?”

  Tears burned my eyes as I worked frantically to button the blouse. When I was finished, I glanced at him. “I’m sorry.”

  “What do you mean? Alex, what the hell is going on?” His tone had turned from amusement to desperation.

  “I have to do this, Deacon. It’s the right solution. Really it’s the only solution where you and Willow don’t get hurt.”

  “You’re not making any sense.” He jerked at the handcuffs and winced. “Get me out of these.”

  I turned away from him to start digging in my suitcase. At the very bottom, I slid aside the lining and stared down at Andy’s cut. With trembling fingers, I took it out. I rose from the floor and then turned back to Deacon. His eyes left mine and drifted down to my hands. With widened eyes, he demanded, “What the fuck are
you doing with that?”

  “I took it from the war prize closet.”

  Deacon sucked in a breath so fast it sounded more like a hiss. “Alexandra, I want you to get me out of these handcuffs right fucking now!” When I gave a slight jerk of my head, he growled. “Don’t you even think for one minute you’re going to go alone!”

  “There was something else I left out about my meeting with Sigel—something I didn’t even tell Rev or Bishop.” I drew in a deep breath. “Sigel caused the accident that killed my parents.”

  Deacon stared at me in disbelief. “What? How?”

  I glanced down at the cut before telling him about how my parents’ love of children had caused their deaths. When I finished, I dared to meet his eyes again. “Besides you and Willow, I now have a stake in this I never imagined. A chance for justice in my parents’ murders.”

  “Alexandra, you cannot take a man like Sigel down. You are walking to your death, you stupid, stubborn woman!” Deacon shouted.

  Dropping the cut on the chair, I bent down and picked a silk scarf out of the pile of clothes I had tossed out of the suitcase. It was one I had worn to teach in many times. Tonight it would serve another purpose. When I started over to Deacon, he momentarily appeared relieved. He thought I had finally come to my senses. Instead, my trembling hands took the scarf and gagged him. He bucked and fought against me, but somehow I got it tied.

  Tears dripped down my cheeks when I finally allowed myself to look at him. “I’m so sorry, but I had to do this. I did it for you, and I did it for us.”

  He stared at me with eyes that burned with rage and venom. I didn’t even want to imagine what he would have done to me in that moment if he had gotten free. I had to turn away from him as fast as I could. I couldn’t bear to have him looking at me that way during what might be the last minutes I had with him.

  Instead of allowing myself to break down, I swiped the tears from my eyes. I grabbed the cut and shoved it down in my messenger bag. In a moment of vanity, I grabbed my makeup bag as well, so I could repair the damage of my tears. Once I slung the messenger bag over my shoulder, I headed to the door. With my hand hovering over the doorknob, I willed myself not to look back. Instead, I said, “I love you.”