Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  The decision that may impact upon you however you decide, though before pursuit – it is perhaps always best to contemplate all significant areas for complications or consequences prior to committing. Devise all scenarios and plan your tact well for you may regret it otherwise…” – Metth.

  The Drag Down

  Something tells me I’ve been here before,

  I only wish I’d been keeping score,

  Feel like I’ve been here before,

  Something’s dug it’s claws and I can feel it bore,

  I don’t care if you don’t

  I’ll go where you won’t,

  But I’ll speak as you’ve spoke,

  And tell them what you know,

  It’s a metaphor – only seen as lore,

  Illusion burrows into the core,

  A psychedelic spore seeping into a sore,

  This ‘Do what thou wilt and be it law’

  But hey, I don’t care if you don’t

  You’ll go where I won’t,

  You’ll speak as I’ve spoke,

  I told you what I know…

  Exit Scenario

  “Hypocrites never count on it coming back around on them. But it will. Sometimes what one may stand for ‘may one day turn on you to spite you’ – a quote from a lyric of an Eminem song. Not so metal but a great thinker nonetheless. Sharp.

  This piece could also be seen perhaps from a perspective of the ‘Lord and Saviour’, Jesus Christ caught between his perils between his peers then and his father the almighty God. Or it could be interpreted into just about anything else, or whatever else.

  I think I’ve drawn the point across…” – Metth.

  Enter Scenario

  “How is one ever of avail with the strength to confront the ones they love, when they could or most certainly are the source of the pain, the source of the irritancy, annoyance, stress, anger - anxiety or anything else? You can’t as easily as you’d think it possible, not without aggravating them or upsetting them. And what happens when they can’t take you seriously enough to truly listen to what you say? But if so – then, how can you, and could you ever?

  The thing is (I’ve found) people sometimes only hear what they want to hear – truths are difficult to face at times and I know, I’ve been told- “one day, realities gonna hit you hard”. People will only ever understand within the levels of their intelligence. They never stop and think for one second that I might already know – and have known for some time. No one ever wonders how or why I am the way that I am, not too many people have given a real fuck and I know it’ll be a rarity to see it all through life. No one stops and thinks, gee, how would I like to be going through that bullshit right now? There’s never too much empathy felt, not really. Oh sure, I’m just a fuck-head, a fuck-wit, scum, but when you finally start feeling alone and ambushed, all you’re gonna think is why me? And that’s only because you’ve only ever thought of yourself. I have reasons, I’ve been abused, tormented, bullied, traumatized, but it was already too late by the time someone would come and sift through the shit to salvage me (or so I felt – just about the worst of it was almost over, and fucked me up bad). ‘oh just lock him up, medicate him, and fucking lie to him, tell him he’s fucking useless and that after we fuck him up, he’s gotta repair himself all on his own and by himself.

  Well, I’ve been doing it alone now for fucking years now that I’d rather be, than socialize with shit that I know I can’t fuckin’ trust anyway. No one’s ever had my back – but just as they fucking think and they say – apparently, I don’t need it…” – Arahziel.

  The Way I Know Best, Mine

  I apologize for upsetting you,

  But you’d have never approved at what I had to do,

  I know you’re dismayed, I did betray,

  But just trust me when I say I’ve gotta do it all my way,

  I can’t follow like you want me to,

  It just never works the same for me as you,

  Have faith in me and I will – I won’t fail,

  And fate won’t rest beyond the pale,

  I hate it when you say you know me – you don’t,

  And the way your attitudes going – you won’t,

  I’m trying to tolerate it – I really do try,

  But you anger me, piss me off and if not, then I cry,

  I’m happy most philosophising, recording it in writing,

  It excites me, it’s enlightening, not wasted time to me,

  I’m not bad now but with time I’ll only get better,

  And with time and patience – none else will measure,

  I need to be out on my own, doin’ it my way,

  And I need to trust that you’ll keep faith,

  One day I’ll find my place and I will excel,

  Time will define me great – time will only tell,

  I haven’t got the confidence right this very instant,

  And I can’t understand how you can just expect it,

  Criticized plenty – maybe more than I can take it,

  My emotion’s real, no hiding, disguising, can’t fake it.

  I have no real tactic dealing with this constant conflict,

  I’ve not learnt any techniques of stress relief to help me…

  Exit Scenario

  “Yeah… I’m struggling and I’m going to keep on struggling until I work it out myself so, please don’t get the shits when you see me go against what you’d told me to – not when I couldn’t understand you to begin with – not when you couldn’t explain it by means I would’ve caught on… and when I see you get the shits so bad about it, all I feel I see I’m dealing with is a hypocrite, and hypocrites aren’t worthy of my respect. I really fucking hate having to explain myself through the depths of your ignorance, you cut me off every five minutes before I’m done speaking, ignorant to what I say – telling me what I say is bullshit or even that my logic never makes sense – or is even a waste of time, but I have always hated everybody always getting the wrong idea and taking their shit out on me when it’s been plain and clear to me you haven’t understood me yourself – but you’re still too impatient to let me finish, I just get the vibe you only ever feel better when you fight the fucked up attitude of yours out of your system, you only ever enjoy belittling and humiliating me or anybody else. Can’t handle receiving as good as you give yourself…

  I hate to have to explain shit to people that are too ignorant and arrogant to accept anything beyond their own level of intelligence, I hate to have to explain myself when they should’ve been paying as much attention as they have fucking said they have. But they never do. They still only see what they want to see, they will still only hear what they want to hear.” – Arahziel.

  Enter Scenario

  “Time can be lost on us as much as we lose ourselves over its course. I wrote this during a search through my head of things I’d long lost some time ago but ultimately – I was searching for something I believed I had long forgotten. And whoa, the slipping of time between losing shit and searching for it. It’s gone before you know and there have been countless situations whereupon I’ve lost just as I’ve descent to memory. This piece is open to interpretation like all others, but this, to a scene of a man in his last hours, lamenting of times passed. But time just never waits…” – Trepp.

  Time Never Waits

  Time waits for no man,

  It flows and slips away,

  Time never slows for any man,

  We soon grey and decay,

  I can’t help feeling I’m lost in regret,

  Over all I’ve never done, missed or haven’t yet,

  All opportunity arose but my mind never set,

  Yeah, I’m going to the grave with a sack of regret,

  Time waits for no man,

  Like memories, slip and fade,

 
; Time never slows for any man,

  Another carcass too soon to fill the grave,

  It’s too late to go back to do what I had never,

  Times long passed and I just wouldn’t measure,

  To do it all now would just rip me tethered,

  That part of me is dead and gone, cut free, severed,

  Time waits for no man,

  I chase these memories that fade,

  Time never slows for any man,

  Just another carcass to fill an empty grave,

  Time waits for no man,

  It flows and slips away,

  Time never slows for any man,

  Like memories, slip and fade,

  Time never waits – never slows for any man,

  My time fades beyond a carcass in the grave.

  Exit Scenario

  “Time is still young for some, and for others it has come. Losing mind over a course of time enough to forget the who’s, what’s where’s, how’s and why’s we chase to relive in our last passing hours. And of course, all that we miss when we don’t. Is it all worth it in the end? Do we seriously impact on the surroundings encaging us? Since we don’t live forever, is any of it worth it?” – Trepp.

  Enter Scenario

  Lucifer: “You’ve really done it this time, how dare you? After all I’ve done for you. And this is the thanks I get? I believed you, I favoured you – I might have even loved you, but you’ve really fucked it this time!”

  Zharrarhkerrin: “Come on, did you really not know I’d be capable of this? I thought it was exactly what you’d liked about me,”

  Lucifer: “You are sorely mistaken! Why the fuck would you think for one moment I would understand or even be agreeable on the subject? Thought you knew me better than that, but you’ll never have the chance of my council again. And for the record, I’m NOT okay with betrayal, your allegiance was to be solely concrete with mine!”

  Zharrarhkerrin: “And you’re seriously not going to allow me an explanation? No chance at redemption?”

  Lucifer: “No chance? You really think I’m as forgiving as the all loving God? I never make mistakes – until you, boy you really fucked it this time, you will not be redeemed, and so you know – I hereby curse you – that even God will not accept your redemption – you were mine and no one, NO ONE escapes me, NO ONE cheats me. I taint you and you shall dwell in my servitude on earth. Your very soul disgusts me so, that both you and your rotten befouled soul are being sent back. And find it you will NOT!”

  Zharrarhkerrin: “Seriously? You’re expelling me? Is that what you’re doing? Well, you won’t rid of me so easily – I’ll find you again – and you’ll want me back – you’ll have no choice BUT to take me back, I promise you that!”

  (And with that Satan clicked his fingers on both hands and then clapped them together, by which a thunderous force rushed me from his presence and I was once again stranded back on earth. Alone. Soulless.)

  To Hell And Back

  I’m going grave diggin’ for the soul I lost,

  For I led a mutiny ’gainst the devil, double crossed,

  I’m certain it’s somewhere near here where he loosed it aloft,

  After I’d somehow made his heart of ice defrost,

  Here’s something that I just can’t understand,

  Is how I would be the only man,

  To ever repulse the devil so bad,

  To be ousted from hell and back to land,

  Could I have marked or tainted myself?

  In a way the unholy would repel?

  Could I have cast a last sanctifying spell?

  Do I await patiently for time to tell?

  Am I banished to this earth?

  As a punishment I deserve?

  Is this a blessing or a curse?

  OR is it a test to prove my worth?

  It’s safe to assume I might be dead,

  A ghost as soundless as the weakest breath,

  Swirling and searching ground where my soul might rest,

  Such precious life energy, animating as possessed,

  Will I ever find that special little piece of me?

  Will it fill me whole again, to make once more complete?

  I know I won’t do this again and have no mistakes repeat,

  Hopelessness is sickening, many die by this grief,

  Now I must resume my endless quest alone,

  To find my soul and a new place to call home..

  Exit Scenario

  “I have no clue on how long it’s been now that I’ve been back on this earth. I must’ve scoured miles by the millions - yet I have not found my soul. I feel empty. Like, I don’t even feel fear nor loathing.

  I have on a rare occasion felt some feeling of excitement, but it wasn’t long enough between then, and when I felt it no longer. Why? Why must I feel the most fleeting glimmer of hope? Could it be close by? Could I have been close in having my soul back in my clutches?

  I must remember to count the distances between each time I feel it. I must remember to stop to note where I am, where I’ve been and account for each destination I reach. Time is endless, and I seem to have plenty of it left yet.

  Should I pray? Should I make some attempt at remorse and ask forgiveness? If I could somehow charm and make amends with God – could he somehow reunite me with my spirit?

  Somehow, I don’t think I can show much of that, but shit, I seem to get real close for one moment and then it’s dragged back out from under me. Will this never end?

  No place I’ve been to in my quest on my search has ever remained the same for long – every city, every town I’ve been to and arrive again all seem to have rapidly grown or declined.

  Almost as though time has sped up between places and it changes all the time. But I continue my search regardless, my sole obsession, as an empty shell drifting ghostly about – slow and ‘would be mournful’ – if I could feel. This search, my search, an endless one.” – Zharrarhkerrin.

  Enter Scenario

  “One would generally think Hell is worse than death. One might say Purgatory is worse than Hell. Some might say they’re the same. Others might say there’s Hell and Purgatory on Earth before death. And I might agree with those others. But Death, death is what separates the Hell through life from the Hell after death. I don’t know – Hell and Purgatory might be one and the same. Either way, you eventually lose your mind if you haven’t already. To me – death made no difference. I never once had peace anywhere I turned. There was always another lesson to learn, and another mistake – and I kept making them. I fought through contradictions to only find more contradictions. Surrounded by imbeciles making me fire-up at their endless stupidity. And over and over I’d be faced with excruciatingly painful indignities, discrepancies, malcontent, mischief. I’d battle them for power – for my sanity and for Christ’s sake – but in the end, in the very end, none of it all ever made a difference. I still came to my Purgatory, my Hell. Right from one – one moment, to another, Hell on Earth to Hell after Earth. And the more shit I faced, the more Hell I bred. And when a gave Hell, I gave all the destructive force I could muster up within me.” – Cheykka.

  Torn Away Grace

  I can’t bear to show my face,

  Exiled to my desolate place,

  Lost the trial pleading my case,

  My life lived at fast pace,

  This pain has undesirable taste,

  Of evil I’d unwittedly embraced,

  False dreams I’d pursued in my chase,

  Ripped, tore away my grace,

  Tranced in stare, in immovable gaze,

  Surrounded by fire, fiercely ablaze,

  My immortal soul been razed,

  I feel dread and vicious malaise,

  And it’s too late now I can’t be saved,

  I’
m to blame for the ways I behaved,

  Hard to be brave once sent to slave,

  I, alone, sent me to my grave,

  I can’t bear to show my face,

  Exiled to my desolate place,

  Lost the trial pleading my case,

  My life lived at fast pace,

  This pain has undesirable taste,

  Of evil I’d unwittedly embraced,

  False dreams I’d pursued in my chase,

  Ripped, tore away my grace,

  Tranced in stare, in immovable gaze,

  Surrounded by fire, fiercely ablaze,

  My immortal soul been razed,

  I feel dread and vicious malaise,

  And it’s too late now I can’t be saved,

  I’m to blame for the ways I behaved,

  Hard to be brave once sent to slave,

  I, alone, sent me to my grave,

  Exit Scenario

  “I wonder if I’ll live out my sentence here and return one day for another chance. If I get another turn, I’ll do the best I can to return whatever hate is given to me with peace and love and respect. I would do anything to change the outcome of my circumstance should I be given another go and return. If I ever go back, I’ll redeem myself. But it seems as though I am to live out my eternity here. Well, it could really only suit since it’s all I’ve known and all I’ve ever shown. I’m beyond death so there’s no killing myself here in this place. Or is there? Nah, probably not. Where does a soul should go if it’s been fully vanquished? – even from an afterlife? What happens to that energy when it’s been fully destroyed? Ended of existence. Questions still graze my mind but no answers ever reach me. It feels as though I have been trapped here for a period close to forty years but there’s no sense of time here. I suppose it is where I truly belong. I was tested while alive, and was generously granted the grace of life – but I never counted the blessing, I took it for granted and abused the miracle. I abused the grace I was given and so it has been stripped from me, torn away. It’s way too late for me to repent now, I can’t undo what’s been done and I never realized when I had countless times to. I regret it all and wish I could die a thousand deaths to at least feel. Feel that I was once upon a time a real existence. This all feels like a dream and a horrible one at that. None of this here seems real. I’d love to die over and over to know I can still feel pain, feel pain and know it was one of the truest things out there. To remember that I was real. That life was once so much more than my imprisonment here. I failed bad, and I doubt I’ll get another chance…” – Cheykka.