Desensitizer

by Kaero Davis

  “You’re not communicating with us properly and until you do – it’s only gonna be worse and you’re doing it to yourself,”

  “That’s bullshit and you know it, you all push me, you push me to react. You’re all being controlling and trying to be deceitful about it. But guess what? You’re not going to get away with it…”

  The DisAssociate

  At the centre of my frustration,

  It’s clear that I’m impatient,

  That they don’t see how I deal,

  Too stubborn to care how I feel,

  Never see it my way,

  Free to always fuck my day,

  Wondering why I’m in a mood,

  Stuck in limbo, emotionally brood,

  Can’t shake feeling deceived,

  That I’m the cause as they believe,

  Treat me as like the foulest disease,

  And cringe to hear my pleas,

  They never had faith or trust or respect for me,

  I thought only my death would set me free,

  To give up, throw it away and leave it all behind,

  Fuck man I really need some peace for mind,

  What can I do but pull away,

  Disconnect, disassociate,

  Fuck the games they feel they need to play,

  I’m done, I won’t participate,

  I’ll turn my back and fake they don’t exist,

  I’ve got too many up’s and down’s to write a fuckin’ list,

  I’ve got anger I can’t rid that cannot be measured,

  And I’m left to question the point for all their pressure,

  Exit Scenario

  “I need to extricate myself away from these bastards. I’ll disassociate myself yet. I’ll write about it – I’ll talk about it and I’ll bring that fucking useless family down. I’ll make it known to my peers what it is they’re doing, and have society be as disturbed by this ‘reputation’ as I have been. Make it difficult for these fuckers to show their faces in public – arseholes, bastards – fuckers! I’ll make them wish they’d never pushed me and forced me over the edge – shame on you, dirty, rotten, filthy fucking shame on you! You knew better but never did any better, and that makes you terrible, horrible people. I can only hope you’ll suffer as bad as I’ve had to – and may fate be as unkind and merciless in its’ treatment to you as you have been to me. I’m done. I will no longer participate…” – Setth.

  Enter Scenario

  “Consideration – such an integral part of peace very few of us exercise. Perhaps we don’t because some of us are irritated at the feeling of having to walk on eggshells around others. I know I don’t always like to be on edge, having to worry about someone else’s mood, sucking all enjoyment out of what I happen to be doing at the time. People just assume that because you don’t look like you’ve been up to something you probably shouldn’t – when you haven’t been, not really. Half my problem was I lose my patience with people easily when I know they’re interrogating me but never want to hear what I’ve got to say for myself. This irritates the shit out of me, it pisses me off – and for a number of reasons. A) they’ve got no fucking clue ’til you tell them, B) when you do – it’s never good enough. You cop them saying shit like – “You should’ve been doing a lot more than that”, or “What a fucking waste, all that time spent and nothing to show for it”. Yeah, Gee, thanks cunt, I had about a million things already racing through my head and stressing me to the limits – and then you, you heartless cunt, had to go and fuck my mood up even worse over it with your – “He’s nothing but a lazy cunt!” attitude. You don’t know what the fuck I’m going through without even having to put up with your bullshit as much as I have had to face my own. Sometimes you just wish it was as easy to tell them all to fuck themselves without worrying about them wanting to fire up and wanting to flog the absolute fuck outta you.

  It is solely this purpose alone that I will never be allowed a firearm of my own.” – Soag.

  There’s Always More

  I’m not the kind you can take for a ride,

  I’ve got a bark and a vicious bite,

  There’s reasons why people like me stick to themselves,

  You couldn’t handle a nanogram of our hell,

  Experienced things you’d never dream,

  If I said them aloud your ears would bleed,

  Insatiable hunger and thirsts to exceed,

  Speak far less than we need,

  I’m not the kind of guy that gets in your face,

  But if you toe the line you’ll be setback in your place,

  Tasted more disgrace than ever seen faith,

  Embraced a fastened pace like a comet through space,

  There’s always more than meets the eye,

  Better think twice before you pry,

  You’ll see shit that’ll keep you up all night,

  Things that can scare beyond inches of life,

  Rubbed the wrong way and you can bet we get dangerous,

  But some still want to fuck with us, push us, try play us,

  And I can tell you it often ends disastrous,

  With casualties by the surplus,

  Undermined – underestimated,

  Never quite the fight I’ve anticipated,

  I rake up what’s baited, slay the enfated,

  Another poor fool that never had the chance to make it,

  Exit Scenario

  “You can count on there always being more going on than what you see above the surface. There’s always more than you can know going on behind the scenes. But hey, whoever really has the fucking patience to consider you. Everybody’s only ever out for number one – themselves. Wish I could get away with putting myself high priority without feeling guilt about it. No one else ever seems to. You can’t respect anyone that doesn’t respect you. You can’t trust anyone that doesn’t trust you. Even the further difficult when you’re sharing a roof with someone that expects you to respect them no matter how much of an unreasonable, stubborn arsehole they are. Further the more when you can’t ever seem to get one peaceful moment to yourself to relax because you know they couldn’t stand it. They couldn’t handle you being you. There is no fairness in as much as disrespect enough to not consider another – especially what they themselves are facing, what circumstances they feel stranded in. it’s pure stubborn selfishness. No one likes to be made to feel like a piece of shit from the way another treats you. It’s disgusting. There’s always just far, far more.” – Soag.

  Enter Scenario

  “It’s hard, difficult to describe in detail the horrors you face going through these uncertainties at the beginning. Unpredictability, spontaneity, randomness, yet intense cycles of emotion but after a time – one generally gets used to the idea that they may be like this for the rest of their life. You make peace with it, accept it – eventually, but you never really can assume you’re going to fit well amidst peers when there’s a giant gap in the understanding – let alone, the communication.

  I have good days and a lot of bad moments frequently throughout others, but all the time I still internalize, attempting to formulate some means of an explanation – between the desolate distances between myself and others. From time to time I’m capable of communicating – some days far better than most but do falter still with a difficulty of sorts. The following is about as forthcoming, plain and raw as I could get at the time describing the eviscerating, the corroding of my minds’ health. Sometimes I feel like I’m getting better and sometimes I hit a wall and I fall. I feel I’ve somehow stripped whatever grace I’ve previously impressed myself or others with and am faced once again with having to redeem myself – and that fuckin’ takes a good lot of time, patience and practice that I don’t often feel overly capable of to exercise too often. These looping cycles are just plain fucked. Drowning under a black poisonous o
cean of sickness, thick and heavy and pressurizing…” – Fumae-Fe.

  This Sickness

  I’m losing control

  Digging my hole,

  Scarred my soul,

  Fared the toll,

  Shredding the threads,

  As dead as lead,

  Forced bled and,

  Sick in the head,

  Writhe and squirm,

  Like a worthless worm,

  Adjourned to burn,

  And never quite learn,

  I listened as the serpent spoke,

  Eyes widened, I awoke,

  Laughed as my heart broke,

  The funniest fucking all time joke,

  I can’t determine what is real,

  My life has a dream like feel,

  Disconnected insanity reels,

  Skin so false it peels,

  I’ll start to cut myself,

  For outward feeling of this Hell,

  And only seem to want to dwell,

  Beside those who rebel,

  Lingering broken,

  Caught in a moment,

  Suffering, choking,

  Fuck atonement,

  Nothing to lose, no point to gain,

  No one to blame but me for the pain,

  Insidious stains and marks of shame,

  Nevermore sheltered from the rain,

  Naked in a freezing cold shower,

  Never enough drugs to devour,

  Silenced by those with the power,

  Bitter and sour with each passing hour,

  Just when I reckon I have a free run,

  More of my stitches come undone,

  And all this pressure weighs a tonne,

  I never see the setting sun

  My will is weak,

  I feel so meek,

  My energy leaks,

  I’m at my peak,

  Seeing shit that isn’t there,

  People all are running scared,

  Prepared to never leave my lair,

  Often tranced in a stare,

  Impulsive as compulsive gets,

  Anxious and a nervous wreck,

  Ill faith and nil respect,

  Soon to be chained up like a pet,

  How does this monster still exist?

  Why hasn’t he slit his wrists?

  To continue on still angered, pissed,

  With a list of names to fist,

  Never to escape the voices,

  Paving a path of all the wrong choices,

  Delusions set, paranoia poised,

  And atrocious end with an horrific noise…

  Exit Scenario

  “It’s going to be one hell of a story to tell my grandchildren one day (if any) – my daughter or any other seeds of my blood after me. The lessons I’d have learnt here with such a ‘handicap’ as mine is – in some areas. I know survival rate for someone in my position is pretty slim – some options inevitably ending in prison – or death – or both. But on the odd occasion when we might start taking health seriously – we might just succeed to live to an elderly age. There are many – possibly hundreds of symptoms of this illness I am already aware of – possibly hundreds more that I’m not – as in, traits I am aware I have but am unaware they are in fact, dead-set symptoms of the malady – and I mightn’t know for sure until I ever chance a quiz studied on by a psychiatrist, psychologists, therapists, etc. my will to survive is fairly strong, I’m tall, sturdy, could take a hit if I really ever had to, but am guaranteed to deliver as good as I get if faced with an altercation. Hopefully I have a sufficient amount of sophistication to diffuse that kind of circumstance should it arise – made it this far, can only improve. And I do want to. I’ve been in the lowest of lows enough to know I’d prefer a satiable and fulfilling journey through life. Safe, secure, stable. I’ll get there when I find I can level a decent balanced routine for myself. Someday.” – Fumae-Fe.

  Enter Scenario

  “When the world is out of balance, people forget their place, forget themselves – who they are – what they want to be seen as – how they look to everybody else – what they stand for – they each forget. And a world out of balance means that there’s too much of one thing and not enough of another. People may not like what they come to see or feel or hear or touch or taste – but, they won’t realize they receive just as they release themselves upon the world. People will always want more when they feel what they get isn’t enough, and perhaps they won’t ever know any difference until they reach the realisation they need – of the equal and opposite effect of what they do. They want to see more positivity – but refuse to kick the wheels in motion. People want to feel more happiness – but won’t let go of what makes them miserable – the world wants to see less anger and hatred – yet they only feel more of it when they see it. Not too many people I’ve met are capable of taking something harsh and critical and turn it in on itself to produce the complete opposite. You can’t expect anything to happen just on its own, and this is something taken myself alone, a considerable amount of time to learn and practice, but just being aware of it alone helps me mark out the spot to know where to start from. And hopefully when a balance returns, we won’t see the tilt on the world so much anymore. The fortunes on the winds can change.” - Kutu

  Tilt

  The world is spinning off of its’ balance,

  And in a manner it so happens,

  One of its’ talents is to influence habits,

  And it can turn tragic ever so rapid,

  The world is on tilt,

  A thrill is in build,

  People want to feel,

  And people will,

  Attitude works like demonic possession,

  Contaminating people like an infection,

  A plague of hate and anger that knows no exception,

  There’s never an escape and no true way to deflect it,

  Poisonous words,

  Choices absurd,

  The world is spinning on a tilt,

  A thrill in build sending chills,

  And people still want to feel,

  They may not like it – but people will,

  Murphy’s Law with a domino effect,

  All courtesy spared to shed similar disrespects,

  And in the case that it really hasn’t gripped you yet,

  It will one day for sure, THAT – you can bet,

  Yes, the world is on tilt,

  A chill is in build,

  People want to feel,

  And people will…

  Exit Scenario

  “Some don’t think they can see any wrong at all in what they’re doing, and I myself am no exception in saying this, I’ve had many of these moments.. I’m well known for making mistakes over and over, and they say I never learn, but they never not once stop and ask whether it’s intentional and premeditated. Not too many of them think that fucking far into things. But if they ever were to, I’d of course answer with a yes. And not everybody will understand the reason to why I do so – not if I told them myself, no, that’ll be a secret I’m more than likely sooner to take to my grave. I just know I couldn’t trust not one single person enough to divulge it to.

  I am certain there are thousands of others just like me who’d be an entire 100% aware of what I speak, and I’ll thank them with a sincerity for keeping it to themselves, unless of course they can persuade the world with an understanding that will be of such a greater significance – that the world will want to change. However, sadly I might add – I can’t see it happening within my lifetime.” – Kutu.

  Enter Scenario

  “I spend a lot of time in my own head. Sometimes, it’s just far more comfortable than having to deal with what’s going on around me from time to time. There’s not a lot aroun
d me that excites me nor anything around that I feel up to smiling about. And I have to wonder if the people I’m around wonder about me, wonder what I might be thinking about. I’m barely even interested in some of the shit I hear people talking about – shit, I have more to be gloomy and depressed about than I think anyone is even capable of listening to me talk about it. So, I never talk about it. And then, there are times I might be in mid-conversation with somebody – and my mind will begin to wander. I lose focus and then drift off to another world all within my own imagination, or over to other things I generally stress about and haven’t been previously capable of dealing with. And, there are even other times that I am not emotionally stable enough to be travelling off over different places – like shopping centres, doctor’s surgery, convenience stores, the beach – other folks’ places. In some of those cases of which I feel a majority of anxiety blended with irritation, agitation, sadness and/ or misery, paranoia and other little different things – shit, I imagine I must surprise or alarm others on occasion. I’m tormented by random and spontaneous emotions and they could be triggered by sights, sounds, scents, memories but on occasion; I feel a hyper sensitivity all around me, a hyper sensitivity to all sorts of minute torments. I’m touchy, edgy, and before long can smash out a razor sarcasm directed at whoever irritates me with bombarding questions. I feel pressured as though I’m under interrogation. And sometimes people push, and push, and push and push me ’til I can no longer maintain my cool – and I break – mate, I fucking snap. And when I do – I rip chunks out of people (figuratively speaking), and on more than an accepted amount of their tolerance that they often return fire – and then it’s war. You’d think I run out of steam but no, I’m like a fire that someone hurls another whopping lot of flammable fuel on – I flare up and blaze brighter, hotter and fiercer. And I blast at any passer-by willing to sticky-beak. Fuck ’em, fuck anyone willing to rip strips off at me for something they know nothing about and has nothing to do with what the fuck’s going on. Does no one see what this is doing to me? Does anyone ever think about what the fuck’s happening to my head or in my head when I finally burn out? It’s horrifying I can tell you. A blistering, burning, searing pain ripping through me like lightening that streaks through the sky throughout storms. Who’s got my back? Where is everyone when the storm is passed? That’s right, they fucked off because they couldn’t handle me at my worst – so I’ll be fucked if any of them think they’re gonna be around me when I’m at the top of my game and everything’s going far better than smooth – I remember everything. Some people – my so called family – some of them, have pushed me to a corner countless times and have beyond angered me so that I tell them what I think of them, but they don’t like what I say – and then they wonder why I never want to speak to them or have anything to do with them – they expect me to put it all aside and move on, forgive and forget, but fuck…if they were subjected to what they put me through they’d think and feel the exact same way as I do – and anybody would. I wasn’t born this way – I was made this way. And I have to laugh when people ask me what I think, holy fuck if they only knew – none of them have any real clue, they all seem to think I think I’m hard done by for no fucking reason, pfft – the fucking idiots. No – I haven’t got anything nice to say about them and I really wish I could keep it to myself, but I apologize because I feel a lot of the time like I’m going to explode but on the other hand – I’ve at least got the common courtesy to ward other unsuspecting people away from those mongrel slimy cunts of people – and save them the trouble I faced. You’re welcome.” – Netheil.