The Wild Heart

by Emrys Apollo

  He thoroughly beat Clint during their first game, 5-0. He usually lost and was surprised by how he had thrashed Clint. Sean couldn’t help crowing about this, jumping out of bed and dancing in front of the TV. Clint hated to lose, but he somehow seemed to take it well, leaning back on his elbows and laughing.

  “Rematch!”

  Sean agreed and got back into bed. He scored a goal absurdly easily almost as soon as the match started, and that’s when he became suspicious. How could Clint have gotten so bad so quickly?

  Sean purposely played a little badly, allowing Clint plenty of opportunities to get past him and score, but somehow Clint kept fumbling and shooting wide. When Clint somehow managed to pass to one of Sean’s teammates, Sean knew.

  Eyes wide, he paused the game and turned to Clint. “Why are you letting me win?”

  Clint was already laughing. “I’m not! I’m just bad.”

  Sean pushed him hard, laughing too, punching Clint lightly in the stomach. “No, you’re not! You’re doing this on purpose! What’re you trying to get out of me, Blacker?”

  Clint couldn’t breathe, laughing too hard, and let Sean manhandle him a little in punishment. The gentle wrestling meant that they had ended up sitting a little closer than before. Clint’s warm thigh next to him made Sean so uncomfortable, he shifted away. Clint noticed and sobered.

  “Why do you do that?”

  Sean pretended not to understand. “What do you mean?”

  Clint stared at Sean, then holding Sean’s gaze, he deliberately shifted closer, laying his thigh near Sean’s. He raised his chin at Sean, almost defiantly. Sean swallowed, looking away.

  “I’ll get some water.”

  Clint let him go, let him get some water and come back, and when Sean climbed back into bed, he made sure to sit away from Clint. Sean went to restart the game, but Clint held his wrist.

  “Why, Sean?” Clint’s voice was low, gravelly.

  Sean hesitated, not looking at Clint. “You know why,” he finally said quietly.

  “Every single time we touch?”

  Sean shook his head. “No. But in bed. Next to me. It makes it harder for me to control… my body.”

  “Why are you trying to control it?”

  Sean snapped his head up, looking at Clint in shock. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m a guy too. I know how it works. You don’t have to be embarrassed,” Clint said lightly.

  Sean shook his head. “Well, it’s different for us. You’d understand if the situations were reversed.”

  Clint laughed. “Maybe once in a while you should look at my crotch too.” Sean peeked at that, but the sheets were covering Clint’s lap. He glanced up at Clint, puzzled.

  Clint was smiling. “It happens to me too.”

  “Well, yeah, but I meant that it’s embarrassing when it happens because of the person sitting next to you in bed,” Sean mumbled.

  Clint grinned. “You moron. I meant that too.”

  Sean froze, staring at Clint. “What?” he breathed.

  Clint raised his eyebrows, his expression mischievous. “What did you think? I kissed you because I wasn’t attracted to you?”

  Sean was speechless. But his cheeks were getting redder and redder. “I-” But that was all he could get out.

  Clint laughed. He inched closer, so that his thigh pressed against Sean’s. They were close now. Sean’s heart was pounding. “I’m attracted to you, Sean. I’m just figuring out the rest of it,” Clint said, his voice very low.

  But Sean couldn’t get past erections. “So you get turned on… because of me?”

  Clint rolled his eyes. “Yes. Plenty of times.”

  “Because of me?”

  Clint laughed. “What, you need proof or something?”

  “Yes,” Sean blurted, his eyes wide. Then he blushed, realizing what he’d said. He shook his head quickly. “Sorry.”

  Clint smiled slowly, his eyes warm, intent. “I’ll prove it to you soon.”

  Sean looked down. He felt he was going to explode. He didn’t know how to handle this Clint-this flirty, teasing, sexual Clint. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see Clint leaning close and he tensed, still looking at his lap.

  Clint’s mouth was brushing Sean’s ear and he shivered. “Don’t you trust me, Sean?” he whispered, his lips moving against Sean’s skin as he spoke.

  Sean couldn’t get a single word out. He just closed his eyes. He could feel Clint smiling against his ear. “Sean?”

  Clint whispering his name was so erotic that he moaned. His hand came up between their bodies, pressing lightly against Clint’s chest. Clint came even closer, one of his hands coming up to rest on Sean’s back, the other on Sean’s thigh. His chuckle rumbled into Sean’s ear.

  “Look at me, Sean. Turn your head,” Clint whispered.

  Sean shook his head, overwhelmed. They were in bed, for God’s sake. This was too much. He was on the edge already.

  Clint kissed Sean’s ear lightly. “Please, baby.”

  The endearment rocked Sean. He turned his head and looked at Clint then. Clint’s pupils were dilated and his cheeks were flushed and for the first time Sean truly understood that Clint was attracted to him too. It so overwhelmed Sean that he felt emotion flooding through him and, suddenly, tears were in his eyes.

  “What? Why are you crying?”

  Sean’s vision was blurred because of the tears, but he could feel Clint peppering his face with kisses, worried. Sean shook his head, tears falling freely now. “I’m sorry. It’s just… I never thought-”

  “What? Please, tell me.”

  Sean struggled to calm himself. “I never thought we’d be like this.”

  Clint was silent. Then, he started to kiss Sean, his mouth soft and tasting of Sean’s tears. Sean kissed him back hard, suddenly desperate for Clint’s touch. He pressed himself against Clint, whimpering a little, his fingers fisting in Clint’s shirt.

  Clint disengaged gently, hands coming up to grasp Sean’s. Sean half-sobbed, not wanting to stop. “Shh,” Clint said, removing Sean’s hands. He touched tiny kisses on the corner of Sean’s mouth, pressing him down until Sean was lying on his back.

  Sean was restless, shifting, reaching for Clint. Clint leaned over him, kissing his mouth, tongue playing with Sean’s. Sean pulled Clint hard against him, desperate for more of him, more of his touch, more of his kiss.

  Clint let himself be pulled until he was half lying on Sean. Sean’s hands were fisted hard at Clint’s sides, knuckles white. Clint kept kissing Sean, biting gently on Sean’s lower lip until Sean bucked up into Clint. Clint sucked the bruised lip into his mouth, soothing it with his tongue.

  Sean moaned. He wanted Clint so much he felt he would die if he couldn’t have him now. Clint’s hands were drifting, slipping gently under Sean’s shirt, cool against his burning skin. Sean wrapped his arms around Clint’s neck and, this time, Clint gave in, lying almost completely on Sean.

  Sean gasped at this, feeling Clint’s erection on his hip. The knowledge was so fiercely pleasurable, his own cock lurched hard against Clint. Clint felt it and spread Sean’s legs, pressing his thigh firmly against Sean’s bulge. Sean moaned, arching his back and breaking the kiss.

  “Clint, please, please,” he sobbed.

  Clint murmured nonsense words into Sean’s temple, shushing him slowly. Sean knew Clint was just as aroused as he was, but he seemed to have tremendous self-control and showed it by gently grinding his thigh against Sean.

  Sean bucked up again, humping hard against Clint’s thigh, rhythmically. He was moaning continuously now, chanting Clint’s name over and over, his eyes closed in pleasure. He was getting so close now. He opened his eyes, needing Clint’s mouth over his as he came.

  Clint seemed to understand and his eyes, fierce, burning, met Sean’s. Then Clint kissed Sean hard, his tongue so good in Sean’s mouth that it sent him over the edge. He cried into Clint’s mouth as he came, eyes squeezed shut, bucking up into Clint’s thigh.
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br />   Clint kept kissing him through the afterglow, but embarrassment was flooding Sean now-embarrassment and guilt that Clint was still hard and pulsing against Sean’s hip.

  Sean broke the kiss, cheeks flushed. “Are you-you didn’t-” He broke off, feeling shy and drowsy all at once.

  Clint smiled, though his eyes were glittering and his cheeks were red. “It’s okay. Are you okay?”

  Sean nodded, throat sticking with embarrassment. Clint kissed him slowly, gently. It was sweet and Sean felt a rush of emotion. But Clint was still so hard so Sean pushed him back. “I can-I can help-”

  Clint shook his head. “No, I want you to sleep. I’ll go to the bathroom.”

  Sean would have argued, but there was something in Clint’s face that stopped him. He nodded, knowing that he was very sleepy, his lids heavy with the afterglow of that incredible orgasm. Clint kissed him quickly and rolled off.

  Sean wanted to protest, but through his drooping lids, he could see Clint walking quickly to the bathroom, and, with that, Sean slid into heavy, dreamless sleep.

  CHAPTER TEN

  Sean woke up with a start, heart pounding. For a second, he didn’t know why he felt so anxious and then remembered his… encounter with Clint last night. He turned red immediately and threw off the covers. He walked quickly to the bathroom, hoping a shower would cool his mind, avoiding looking at Clint’s bed.

  But this time, the water beating down only seemed to further stress him out. What was happening between them? Were they friends with benefits now?

  He loved Clint completely, totally, unconditionally.

  But he was getting mentally wrecked a little. He had come here to concentrate on the Championship and this was too much. He didn’t need the distraction.

  He rested his head briefly against the shower wall, cool under his burning skin. He wished suddenly, tiredly, that he had never told Maurice.

  Their friendship had been perfect, and it was getting complicated. Who was he kidding? What was the guarantee that Clint would ever love him back? What was the guarantee that, even if they started dating, it would work out?

  And how would he handle that breakup?

  He shook his head, fear suddenly overwhelming him. He couldn’t take it, couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Clint was too important to him. He didn’t want the romance, the sex, the other stuff. He just wanted them back to two weeks ago. He wanted their simple friendship. He could handle unrequited love-he’d done so for years, hadn’t he?

  This was worse. This doubt, this anxiety, the possibility of losing everything was ten thousand times worse than never being loved back.

  Sean had always been scared of losing Clint, but losing Clint after he was loved by him would be devastating. He didn’t have it in him. He wouldn’t survive that, he couldn’t, and he knew that, no matter what, long distance relationships didn’t work out.

  How much could Skyping make up for it? How could they do it when Clint had so many commitments and Sean too?

  He was panicking now. He breathed hard, trying to calm himself. But the thoughts were buzzing around his head. He felt frightened and claustrophobic and trapped.

  He had to back out. He had to. There was no other option, was there?

  He’d have to tell Clint.

  He groaned, rubbing his forehead. How the fuck was he going to explain it? He knew Clint was starting to get involved too and he didn’t want to hurt him. Admittedly, Clint was new to this and would recover quicker, better. But he had to stop it before it got too far.

  But what about the Championship?

  Would he fuck Clint up if he broke it off now? Would Clint’s performances be affected?

  Fuck.

  He needed some air. He was feeling overwhelmed and he could feel something like a panic attack coming over him. He’d never experienced one before, but the amount of anxiety in his chest seemed remarkably like one.

  He turned the water off abruptly. He hadn’t washed his hair, but he didn’t care. Quickly, he toweled himself dry. Praying that Clint was still asleep, he brushed his teeth quickly and slipped out of the bathroom noiselessly.

  Clint was still snoring lightly. Sean dressed swiftly. He put on a baseball cap and pulled up his hood so hopefully no one would recognize him.

  He left the hotel room almost in a run, terrified that Clint would wake up and stop him. His heart was pounding so hard that there were spots in his vision.

  Hands shaking, he texted Clint:

  I went for a walk. Be back soon.

  ***

  No one recognized him and Sean was thankful for it. The sunglasses probably helped, plus he’d snuck out of the back entrance. He walked around the city rapidly, his mind racing, his hands jammed into his jean pockets.

  The morning air was cold and sharp, but it made Sean feel better. He walked for a long time aimlessly, until he came to a park and started watching the morning joggers. The rhythmic movements were calming and he tried to focus on them and not Clint.

  It was then that his phone buzzed.

  Heart thudding, he pulled it out of his pocket.

  Where are you? Why did you go for a walk now? Are you okay?

  He jammed the phone back into his pocket, feeling suddenly like he was being strangled. He was so afraid. He didn’t know how to handle this or who to talk to.

  He could have talked to Maurice, but what happened between them should stay between them. He didn’t want anyone else to know and he knew Clint was as private as he was.

  His phone vibrated again.

  Sean, please tell me where you are. You’re freaking me out.

  Sean’s fingers were trembling, but he texted quickly back.

  I’m okay. I’ll be back soon.

  He knew Clint wouldn’t let that go and waited, perching on a bench in the park. He stared at his phone. Sure enough, Clint’s face popped up on his screen-he was calling.

  Hesitantly, Sean pressed the red button, declining the call.

  I’m on my way back. I’m fine. Talk to you later.

  Clint didn’t text for a long time, but then finally he sent a message back.

  Okay. Love you. Take care.

  Sean’s eyes filled and he swallowed fiercely. All he needed was paparazzi to snap a picture of him crying on a park bench by himself in the dead of morning. They could still be around.

  He took a deep breath, closing his eyes. He needed to calm down. He needed to approach this rationally.

  He had to go and talk to Clint. He glanced at his watch. They had two hours left until training and that was enough time.

  He prayed quickly, briefly.

  He just didn’t want to lose Clint.

  ***

  He hailed a taxi back to the hotel and signed an autograph for the driver who recognized him immediately. He joked that he liked walking in the morning and the guy seemed to buy it. He paid him quickly and slipped inside through the back entrance of the hotel, thankful that no one had seemed to see him.

  By the time he reached their room, he was sweating, palms damp and heart racing. He took a deep breath and slid his card through the slot, the room door clicking open.

  He pushed it open only to find Clint right at the threshold.

  “Where were you?” Clint said, eyes wide, reaching out to touch Sean.

  Sean flinched, recoiling from his outstretched hand. Clint froze, staring at Sean, then dropped his hand. His face went blank and immediately, he backed up.

  Sean looked down, closing the door behind him. He leaned on the door and then finally took a deep breath, meeting Clint’s eyes.

  “Can we talk?”

  Clint’s eyes were so shuttered, Sean felt frightened. He’d never seen Clint shut himself off so much from him, but perhaps that was the best.

  He had to believe this was going to work out, had to believe that they would be okay. Because, if not, he was going to break down.

  Clint nodded. He turned around and moved back into the room. He sat down on his own bed and waited until Sean sa
t too. There was a stillness about Clint that paradoxically seemed to indicate how explosive his mood was.

  Sean looked down, wondering how to start. Finally, he blurted, “I think we should go back to before.”

  Clint was quiet so Sean looked up at him. His expression was impassive. He simply looked at Sean. There was a long tense silence until Clint said carefully, “Before what?”

  Sean couldn’t say it. “I want to go back to us being just friends.”

  Clint dropped his head. He seemed very relaxed until Sean noticed how white his knuckles were. “Clint-”

  “Why?” Clint’s voice was so low, it was vibrating against Sean’s skin.

  Sean swallowed. “I can’t take it if something goes wrong,” he said hoarsely.

  Clint raised his head. His eyes were hard. “Like?”

  “I don’t want our friendship to get fucked up by this. There’s no guarantee to anything.” Sean waved his hand between their bodies and felt a huge sense of loss threatening to swallow him whole.

  Clint laughed harshly, his face tense. “Oh, so based on something that might or might not happen, you’re saying no?”

  Sean flinched. “Clint, please-”

  “Did you honestly think I was just going to accept your decision and walk away?” Clint hissed, fury etched in every line on his face, in every angle of his body.

  Sean was stunned. “No, I meant-I’m not comfortable with this anymore, Clint!” he said, voice rising.

  “Why? Is it easier to take no risks? Is it easier to tell me to fuck off?”

  “Of course not!” Sean snapped. “But this is a two-way street-”

  “Is it? I don’t remember being asked for my opinion?” Clint taunted. His voice was so cruel that Sean felt bewildered and hurt. “You are selfish, Sean.”

  Sean’s jaw dropped at that. “How am I selfish when I’ve been in love with you for years and never asked you for anything back?” he cried, his hands balling into fists.

  “Because you were scared! And that’s what you’re doing now too!” Clint was so angry, his voice was shaking. “Well, screw you. You can’t do this to me. You think it’s fun to find out that you love me and then two weeks later that you want nothing to do with me?”