The Black Album

by Hanif Kureishi

  He picks up the holdall.

  This is it, brothers and sisters. Grab something warm to wear, Shahid – it be chilly in the East End.

  Tahira (chanting) Foreign Legion! Foreign Legion!

  Hat (picking up the chant) Foreign Legion! Foreign Legion!

  As they leave, Chili enters.

  Chili Hello – where’s the bad posse headed to?

  Chad (to Shahid) Catch you outside.

  Chad, Riaz, Hat and Tahira leave.

  Chili (to Shahid) What shit you getting into, bro?

  Shahid Nothing.

  Chili Where’s my Paul Smith?

  Shahid What?

  Chili The red Paul Smith shirt I gave you.

  Shahid (quickly) You won’t believe it – coming back from Deedee’s last night –

  Chili You did her?

  Shahid Met some of her students who were off to an end-of-decade party – took me to this rave in a white house out of town. Man, ecstasy was flowing like confetti. I had your famous King’s Road sandwich – shagged three girls who I didn’t even know – puked all over the red Paul Smith I was wearing and had to take it to the laundrette –

  Chili You shitting me?

  Shahid No, I swear, Chili. I wore it to impress her up, like you said.

  Chili (suddenly hugging him) I’m proud of you, baby bro. Papa will be smiling up in paradise.

  Shahid Business okay?

  Chili Why?

  Shahid I may not get back tonight –

  Chili Still haven’t told me what shit you’re getting into.

  Shahid I’ve got to rush – they’ll be waiting …

  Chili (fierce) I’m your brother, for Christ sakes!

  Shahid I’m helping some people out, that’s all. It’s a charity thing.

  Chili (dismissive) Charity! You’re still a baby, bro. There’s only one thing that matters in the world, that’s number one and money. Got myself a partner to keep an eye out for supplies while I meet demands of my varied customers.

  Shahid What work are you really doing? Zulma came round.

  Chili What you tell her?

  Shahid You were at friends playing poker.

  Chili Good boy!

  Shahid She chuck you out?

  Chili Temporary loss of facilities, as they say in the trade.

  Shahid You’re the golden couple of Sevenoaks.

  Chili laughs.

  (Insistent.) Go home.

  Chili You can’t never go back home.

  Shahid Ring Ammi at least.

  Chili (admonishing) Don’t they teach you respect at college?

  Shahid I’ve got to go.

  He leaves Chili looking around the room. Chili sees the copy of The Satanic Verses, flicks through it nonchalantly, then shuts the book and lays out a line of coke. After snorting, stuffs his remaining stash in the book and puts it away carefully.

  Music, as Shahid and the gang, carrying rucksacks, make their way to the East End flat.

  SCENE EIGHT

  A high-rise flat in the East End. Night. The gang tip out knives, cleavers, etc. from the rucksacks they’ve been carrying.

  Chad Weapons training.

  Chad demonstrates, to the accompaniment of rousing quwaali music from his boom box. Shahid, Hat and Tahira go through a drill. Chad starts to weep.

  Shahid What’s wrong, Chad?

  Chad I’m moved by my people’s suffering. Can’t keep it together.

  Shahid If you keep blubbing, the old man is not going to have much confidence in us.

  Chad You’re right. (Blows his nose.) You stubborn but sensible. We here to defend the man terrorised by racists. Bring ’em on! United in defence of West Compton Estate!

  They finish their drill. Tahira clears a study area for Hat as the guys lounge after the work-out. Shahid looks to slip away but Chad holds him back.

  (To Shahid, watching Tahira at work.) This great sister here, Tahira, she been with us from day one. Riaz like a father to her. Her old man threw her out because she wanted her mum and sisters to cover up.

  Tahira Park yourself here, Hat.

  Hat Ta, Tahira.

  He moves to the space Tahira’s cleared for him, takes out his books from his duffel bag and starts on his homework. Tahira sits with the others.

  Tahira (to Shahid) Hat always studying. His father – he’s putting too much pressure on him to be an accountant.

  Shahid He’s here with us tonight.

  Tahira But the father thinks Hat visiting his auntie in Sunderland today.

  Chad He think we stopping Hat being an accountant. But we ain’t. We only say accountants have to meet many women. And shake hands with them. They expected, too, to take alcohol every day and get involved in interest payments. We not sure Hat won’t feel left out, you know?

  Tahira And you’re expected to take drugs in the City. And meet strippers at lunchtime. Chad, could you close your legs, please?

  Chad brings his knees together.

  Tahira I see you like wearing tight trousers.

  Chad I do, yes.

  Tahira Can’t you wear something looser? We have to look modest. Think it’s easy wearing the hijab? Yesterday a man on the street ripped my scarf off and shouted, ‘This is England, not Arabia.’

  Chad (sheepish, looking at Shahid) I’ve been looking out for some Oxford bags for a while.

  Tahira That will be progress. And aren’t you thinking of growing a beard? Look at Hat, his is really coming on now. (Feeling Shahid’s smooth-shaven chin.) Even Shahid has got something bushy on the way.

  Chad My skin needs breathing space, otherwise I develop an itchy rash.

  Tahira Vanity should be the least of your concerns.

  Chad (to Shahid) I’ll put something bushy in your face if you don’t stop smirkin’!

  Shahid Sorry, brother. How long is this vigil going to last?

  Chad Could be days, you know – them racists sometimes clever.

  Shahid I have to go off for a few hours – family business.

  Just as Shahid is about to leave, Riaz enters, wearing the red Paul Smith shirt and jeans. The gang stare at him.

  Chad All present, brother Riaz.

  Riaz I am very happy you are with us, Shahid.

  Shahid (appraising Riaz) Suits you.

  Riaz is puzzled. Chad steps in to explain.

  Chad (to Riaz) Your clothes needed washing, brother. Shahid lent his shirt and trousers. (With pride.) Brother Riaz look smart, eh!

  Riaz Thank you. Thank you. (Diffident.) I just picked up what I saw on my chair – fashion passes by me.

  Tahira You look like a general.

  Chad Or a chairman. When the racists see the brothers strong, they whimper like dogs with tails between their legs!

  Riaz Time for prayers.

  There is a loud bang on the door. Startled, they pick up their weapons, as Chad pushes Shahid forward.

  Chad Check it out. Don’t fear – you reinforced up!

  Shahid opens the door and sees an eager Strapper, looking around curiously.

  Strapper Want anything?

  Shahid What?

  Strapper Skunk, trips, E? Don’t worry, all the Pakibusters are indoors watching the match.

  Shahid Show us where they live, then. You know who they are.

  Strapper What’re you gonna do, burn them out? I can fire places up, if you like.

  Shahid Who are you?

  Strapper Strapper. An Asian family left their flat and I’m squatting here for my business.

  Shahid What business?

  Strapper You name it, man, I’ve had experience of it. Police, courts, kids’ homes, rehabilitation centres, social workers. I tell you, Blacks and Pakis, the people put down, and outside, they generous and loving. My partner – he a Paki like you – he takes me to all kinds of hip apartments in his cool car, full of birds. Keeps saying this place’s too small for him. If you’re not buying nothing, I gotta swing over to him in north London – our new base of operations!

  Sh
ahid Where are the racists, Strapper? Just point at their door and we’ll do the rest.

  Strapper laughs.

  Strapper You wanna find someone who hates another race? Just knock on any door. Course I used to be a skinhead, myself.

  Shahid What?

  Strapper Supported Millwall, see. Me Black mates were always chasing me. One time they tied a noose round me neck and tried to throw me over a bridge.

  Shahid drags him back into the flat. Frosty atmosphere.

  Shahid This is Strapper. Maybe he can help.

  Strapper How you doing, Trevor, mate? Respect, eh?

  Chad Fuck off! That’s not my truth!

  Strapper Just being polite.

  Chad (to Shahid) What the fuck you bring him here for?

  Strapper You a Paki, me a delinquent. How does it feel to be a problem for this world?

  Chad (pushing Strapper) I’m a solution, not a problem! Diseases like you need sterilising.

  Strapper Don’t touch me, man – I got rights too, you know.

  Shahid (to Chad) He could point out the racists – we’d seize the initiative then.

  Chad He can only point to his arse. We got our sister here to think of.

  Tahira Chad can be fierce when his blood races.

  Brownlow rushes in.

  Brownlow Comrades! Any sign of the lunatics?

  Strapper Not till now!

  Riaz welcomes Brownlow in.

  Riaz We are so happy you received the message and are able to provide support, Dr Brownlow. So many immoral people surround us here.

  Brownlow Ghastly – this estate! What has been done to these people! Crimes against humanity. Important to visit wastelands regularly. Lest we forget. Seeing them, one understands a lot. It’s obvious, not surprising –

  Riaz I beg your pardon? What is not surprising to you, Dr Brownlow, my friend?

  Brownlow is leering at Tahira. She moves closer to Hat.

  Brownlow That they’re violently in love with beauty. I’ve been wading around, you know, an hour or two in Hades, lost in the foul damp. Breeding grounds of race antipathy – infecting everyone, passed on like Aids. Often wished in my adult life, that I could be r-r-religious.

  Riaz It is never too late for higher wisdom.

  Brownlow (apologetic) Read Bertrand Russell at fourteen. Expect you know him, don’t you, T-T-Tariq?

  Shahid My name is Shahid.

  Brownlow Of course. Does Deedee only make you watch Prince videos?

  Shahid She’s a good teacher.

  Brownlow Not a patch on Russell, I bet. Put the deity in his place, Russell. Said that if He existed He would be a fool. God is man’s greatest creation. (To Riaz.) Surely the act of believing is – of no practical use on these estates, to this class. It – it is – dishonest! Yes, d-d-dishonest! Even the lowest class must decide good and evil for themselves.

  Riaz Please excuse me, but you are a little arrogant. First you ask these poor people to believe in the brotherhood of classes. Now, when your Communist dream has been shown to be just that, you set them adrift to think for themselves. You see now how Western civilisation is proving to be a hoax?

  Brownlow But this civilisation has also brought us –

  Strapper Drugs, mate – and the police.

  Brownlow (ignoring the interruption) – science, psychoanalysis, a stable political culture, organised sport – at a pretty high level, mind you, e-e-except for England. And all this hand in hand with critical enquiry. Which means steely questions. And ideas. Ideas being the e-e-enemy of religion.

  Riaz Why must they be? My dear Dr Brownlow, revolution everywhere has been an act of faith.

  Brownlow No – that is how the working classes have been exploited. More than any other class they must be f-f-free to think for themselves.

  Riaz And what did free thinking bring them with your Communism? The great gift we offer our poor uneducated – (indicating Strapper) yes, even this uneducated poor boy – is the example of our Prophet – peace be upon him! – who brought about a revolution of equality in Arabia by the simple act of belief.

  Brownlow I must admit not having associated revolution with I-I-Islam. I suspect that is what F-F-Foucault discovered in the Iranian revolution in ’79.

  Riaz I do not know the man personally, my friend, but he sounds like a good man whose heart has been changed by simple belief. And don’t we all strive to be good?

  Brownlow Foucault saw in the revolution a clear triumph of the Iranian working class.

  Riaz Precisely what we can achieve here. Come now, it is time to pray. I will be your guide.

  Strapper leaves. Riaz unfurls his prayer mat and kneels on it. The others clear space and follow his example. Shahid stands awkwardly by, before Hat guides him. The ‘azaan’ is heard. When they finish, Riaz sits, with the others fanned around him.

  Now I am calm. So, my subject today. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

  Laughter.

  Allah in his mercy has given us another sign of his continuing magnificence, through the disease that has now taken over the West – Aids. A name through which Allah reveals his warning – Adam is definitely Satan! For it is when Adam and Steve come together that the West is shown by Allah to have cancer in its feet – those very feet that help it to stand on the necks of the poor the world over. So what should we do with Adam and Steve? When you go to hospital to meet a cancer patient, do you argue, do you shout? No, you take the person sweet grapes and bright flowers. Gentle persuasion, reciting the words of Allah as revealed in the Koran, will help Adam turn away from Steve and start looking at Eve.

  Riaz’s sermon above is interrupted by a brick crashing through the window and grazing Tahira’s forehead. Hat instinctively guards and comforts Tahira. Riaz is shocked. A stream of rubbish bags and bottles, accompanied by chants of ‘Paki go home’, follows. Chad rushes out, brandishing a cleaver, followed by Shahid. A Young Man with two others can be seen with bricks in their hands. The two racists scarper at the sight of Chad, while the Young Man is momentarily too stunned to move. Chad floors him and is about to hack at him with the cleaver when he is stopped by Shahid.

  Shahid (to Chad) No, Chad! No!

  Young Man (spits at them) Paki! Paki! Paki!

  Shahid (to the Young Man) What the fuck has this family ever done to you? Have they come to your house? Abused you? Thrown stones? Did they make you live in these stinking flats?

  Young Man (grows more venomous) Paki! Paki! Paki! You stolen our jobs! Taken our housing! Paki got everything! Give it back and go back home!

  Chad Come here again and I’ll hack your head off in the halal way!

  He swings his cleaver down powerfully and the Young Man scarpers.

  (To Shahid.) Thanks, brother. If you hadn’t held me back, I might have done something powerful, you know.

  Riaz comes up behind the boys, with Tahira, Hat, Brownlow in tow.

  Riaz It takes courage to hold back. In the fierce heat of battle, you kept your head, Shahid. The true mark of a leader.

  Chad He a lion – my lion!

  Riaz (complimenting Shahid) Sher-e-Khan! Come, come, we must eat to mark the occasion!

  Chad (to Riaz) Shahid’s ammi sent some pakoras, brother.

  Riaz What better at this moment of triumph!

  Chad (offering Shahid’s pakoras) Right tasty, these aubergine pakoras.

  Riaz (taking a pakora) Nothing ever compares with mother’s cooking, eh, Shahid?

  Shahid She used to make them for Papa.

  Chad (handing Shahid a plastic bag) For you.

  Shahid What is it?

  Chad Look.