The Black Album

by Hanif Kureishi

  Shahid (extracting a white cotton salwar kameez) It’s beautiful.

  Chad Yeah!

  Shahid For me?

  Chad Course. Put it on.

  Shahid Now?

  Riaz Yes, yes, come, Shahid – Tahira will turn her back while we help you change.

  Shahid changes, helped by the others. Chad fits a white kufie (Muslim prayer cap) on him as the final act.

  Hat Brother, you look magnificent!

  Shahid Thanks, Hat.

  Chad How d’you feel?

  Shahid A little strange.

  Chad Strange?

  Shahid But good, good.

  Chad What do you think, brother Riaz?

  Riaz (complimenting) Now our Shahid Hasan looks a proper Muslim saint! Do you see, Tahira?

  Tahira demurely offers Shahid the pakoras.

  Tahira May our very own Sher-e-Khan continue to show wisdom and strength!

  Riaz Have some, to mark the occasion, from the hands of your own sister.

  Shahid After you.

  Hat takes a pakora from Tahira, followed by Riaz.

  Hat These pakoras are better than my dad’s! (To Tahira.) Hey, you think they like spinach for Popeye?

  Chad You a fool, yaar, if you think saag will give you strength like Shahid’s!

  Tahira That inborn, cos he is a Hasan, like the Blessed Martyr’s son!

  Riaz looks at Tahira, then at the pakora.

  Riaz (to Shahid) Your ammi made these?

  Shahid Yes.

  Riaz Are you sure?

  Shahid The only thing Zulma ever cooked was Chili’s … you know what.

  Riaz (expansive) Mash-a-Allah! This is a miracle. The mother of Shahid Hasan is blessed! Chad, look, look at this.

  He holds out the pakora on his palm for Chad and the others to consider.

  Chad What am I looking at, brother? I mean – it’s a very well-made pakora.

  Riaz Can’t you see – there, running along the length of the pakora – from right to left. Tahira – can you see it?

  Tahira Yes! I can make something out – dark – coming through the batter.

  Riaz It is aliph – the first letter of the holy language in which our blessed Koran is written. We have been granted a sign! Through Shahid here.

  Shahid What sign, Riaz?

  Riaz (urgent) Dr Brownlow – we have a miracle in our hands! Allah has sent a message.

  Shahid Is the message to carry on the vigil?

  Riaz The racists all know now what to expect if they continue to abuse our friend.

  Shahid They might return with greater force.

  Riaz Then we shall be ready for them, insha’Allah. But news of this miracle will bring many more people to our side for the great work yet to come. The Iranians will hear of this. And then all will see how we stand strong when the wrathful sword of Allah slices through the air of injustice Mussulmans breathe everyday in this country.

  Shahid I have to go – family business …

  Riaz (expansive) Of course, of course. Take Tahira with you. We will make all preparations to unveil this miracle before the unbelieving world. Chad, inform Moulana Darapuria we must meet urgently.

  Shahid puts his jacket on and rushes out. Tahira follows him out. Strapper is lounging by the door.

  Tahira Where are we going?

  Shahid Personal business – family, you know. I’ll be back soon.

  Tahira But you mustn’t be alone at this time.

  Shahid I will be all right.

  Tahira I’m really not afraid.

  Shahid But I’d be afraid for you.

  Tahira (simpering) You are a true Hasan!

  Shahid ushers her back in and walks off, followed by Strapper.

  Strapper I could fix you up, you know.

  Shahid I’m not buying anything from you.

  Strapper Why not? I fixed you up at the rave, didn’t I? Weren’t my shit the best you had? Straight up, we got suppliers that don’t do dirty.

  Shahid Listen, I got no charity, okay?

  Strapper Zakat.

  Shahid What?

  Strapper That’s what them Muslim brothers call it, giving charity to the needy.

  Shahid You don’t look needy to me and I’m not in the giving mood.

  Strapper Stop running from your own – they’s the only ones to depend on, when the shit hits the fan.

  Shahid I’m not running from anyone. Except you.

  Strapper No need to insult, Paki.

  Shahid I’m not a Paki!

  Strapper Course you are. We all are, those who’ve been left behind.

  Strapper runs off, as Shahid heads to Deedee’s. Music, as he rushes through a wintry London night.

  SCENE NINE

  Deedee’s house. Deedee has prepared a candlelit dinner. Shahid rushes in.

  Shahid Sorry, sorry, sorry.

  Beat, as Deedee looks at how Shahid is dressed.

  Deedee In your pyjamas already?

  Shahid You don’t know what’s happening out there – urgent brother business! Chad was this close to carving some serious meat.

  Deedee No surprise there – he wanted to chuck a bomb on his parents. That’s after he met Riaz, of course. Changed his name from Trevor Buss to Muhammad Shahabuddin Ali-Shah.

  Shahid What? Chad?

  Deedee He was brought up by white foster-parents. Foul-mouthed and racist to everyone but their son. No wonder he became a shooter. Riaz took him under his wing. Insisted everyone call him by his whole new name, even when playing football. His mates got fed up shouting, ‘Pass the ball, Muhammad Shahabuddin Ali-Shah – on my head, Muhammad Shahabuddin Ali-Shah.’ So he became Chad.

  She offers some wine. Shahid makes a face.

  Are there any pleasures you don’t eschew? Or is it only salted lassi you drink?

  Shahid What about fighting racism?

  Deedee Is that what you think Riaz does?

  Shahid He is pure of purpose and risking his life guarding the flat of a persecuted couple right now.

  Deedee Riaz denounced his own father for drinking alcohol and praying in his armchair and not on his knees. He made you wear that, didn’t he?

  Shahid What’s wrong with them?

  Deedee Didn’t take you for a disciple.

  Shahid Can’t I admire him for his courage?

  The doorbell rings. Deedee opens the door to Chili.

  Chili What are you called when someone’s asking?

  Deedee Deedee. Deedee Osgood.

  Chili (kissing her hands) Tell me, Deedee Osgood, is my baby bro safe in your hands?

  Deedee (appraising him) You must be Chili.

  Chili At your service.

  Deedee One Hasan at a time is more than enough.

  Chili Are you sure?

  Deedee laughs

  A woman’s laugh – better than any rush known to man.

  Deedee Quite the priest. I can’t imagine you giving a sermon.

  Chili I could be a very Jesus in bed.

  Shahid What you doing here, Chili?

  Chili I was concerned, bro. Thought that bad posse might have messed with you.

  Deedee They have.

  Chili (to Shahid) Just say the word, and Chili will have a friendly chat.

  Shahid I’ll take care of myself.

  Chili Just take her in your arms. Want me to demonstrate?

  Deedee I’m not clean enough for him. I’ve become a sort of pork chop.

  Chili But his knees used to go weak at the sight of a bacon sarni. (To Shahid.) If Papa were alive, he’d have a fucking heart attack seeing you dressed like Ali Baba.

  Shahid That’s who we are, bro! (To Deedee.) We don’t sit swigging wine all evening!

  Deedee What alternative are you offering?

  Chili And you two not even married yet …!

  He picks up a beer and leaves. Pause.

  Deedee It’s very original, the way you weave Scheherazade into your story. The Arabian Nights in Sevenoaks. No one’s written like this about
England – you have a voice and a future, Shahid.

  Shahid is speechless.

  This is the new literature – when stories from elsewhere slice into conventional England. Rushdie showed there’s a gap in modern writing that can only be filled by stories like yours. You could be the real deal. You could be published by Faber and Faber and go to literary parties, accompanied by me.

  Shahid Yeah?

  Deedee If you don’t get distracted.

  Shahid You look ravishing, you do.

  Deedee Thank you.

  Shahid Deedee …

  She slips his kurta off and sits him on her sofa. Puts on some music and starts applying make-up to turn him androgynous, à la Prince. She talks as she works.

  Deedee London was full of Arabs in the seventies. They thought they liked girls. Didn’t treat us badly but wouldn’t talk. So we’d sit in their apartments all night, snorting coke and waiting to be pointed at … Happiest day was being accepted for university. My old man said someone common like me didn’t deserve an education … Met Brownlow there. Off to picket lines, demonstrations and Greenham Common – activists together … When I think about how far I’ve come, I’m proud of what I’ve done.

  Shahid Why are you sad, then?

  Deedee Am I?

  Shahid A little.

  Deedee The price might have been too high … I gave up the possibility of children for what?

  She invites him to parade.

  Shahid Now?

  Deedee There’s only now. Let’s see how well you know your Prince.

  He parades to music from Prince’s Black Album.

  Shahid (with a flourish, quoting Prince’s songs) Aw! Lovesexy! Baby I’m a Star!

  Deedee Still like Prince? Your friend Chad?

  Shahid U Got that Look …! Na – he’s Rockhard in a Funky Place.

  Deedee (joining in the game) I knew him with a Raspberry Beret on his head.

  Shahid (concerned) Condition of the Heart?

  Deedee No. Sign o’ the Times. Purple Rain. He was a One Man Jam!

  Shahid Hot Thing! That’s action to the max. Like when you were on picket lines.

  Deedee Our cause was clearer then. We questioned. All authority. Religion.

  Shahid (jibing) Now you teach post-colonial literature.

  Deedee Thatcher’s worn everyone down. (Defiant.) So let’s just Dance to the Music of the World!

  Shahid You Can Be My Teacher, driving a Little Red Corvette!

  Deedee I Wanna Be your Lover!

  Shahid Let’s do Le Grind!

  Deedee Let’s Go Crazy!

  They dance.

  Shahid Can’t stay tonight.

  She stops.

  Deedee Why?

  Shahid Brother action, you know.

  Deedee No, I don’t.

  Beat.

  Shahid Riaz has seen a miracle.

  Deedee Fuck!

  Shahid Can’t you just make me come?

  Beat.

  Deedee You know what you want – that’s something at least. Would your friends say you’re a hypocrite, coming here for a fuck after God’s shown Riaz a miracle?

  Shahid I do want to be with you.

  Deedee There’s quicker ways to get relief.

  Shahid Don’t put me off, Deedee.

  Deedee Why not? Do you really understand what’s going on with Riaz?

  Shahid Please, Deedee …

  Deedee You want me – fine. What’re you going to do for me?

  Shahid What do you want me to do?

  Deedee Thinking for yourself will be a start. He’s using you for his own ends.

  Shahid Aren’t you?

  Deedee You came to me with your writing, remember? Do you want Riaz to destroy your creativity?

  Shahid Why do you assume he’ll do that? He’s given me his poems to work on.

  Deedee I don’t trust him.

  Shahid You don’t like him.

  Deedee He’s dangerous.

  Shahid He needs me – I’m going back.

  He picks up his jacket and exits.

  Deedee (shouting after him) You’ve got to decide, Shahid – who really are your people?

  Interval.

  Act Two

  SCENE TEN

  Shahid’s digs. Morning. Shahid is working at his desk. Chad enters, with Hat.

  Chad Hey, Shahid, brother Riaz had the delectation of meeting your brother in the hallway earlier. An’ you know what happened? There was an incident.

  Shahid What incident?

  Hat Chili threatened brother Riaz.

  Shahid Sorry?

  Hat He claimed the brother wearing one of his shirts.

  Shahid Oh, no.

  Hat Riaz didn’t know what he was talking about.

  Shahid (to Chad) Did you tell Riaz?

  Chad (pointedly) It ain’t him nuisancing me right now.

  Shahid Who do you mean?

  Chad You holding something back, Shahid?

  Shahid Listen, Chad – you know, brother, the first time we met, an’ I told you that as a Paki, I went through a lot of shit? I wanted to say to you, Trev –

  Chad Did you call me Trev?

  Shahid Yeah, I was trying to say –

  Chad No more Trev. Me a Muslim. Like Mohammed Ali. We don’t apologise for ourselves. We are people who say one important thing – that pleasure and self-absorption isn’t everything.

  Hat Riaz says it is a bottomless basket.

  Chad Ain’t that a wicked phrase? One pleasure – unless there are strong limits – can only lead to another. Until we become beasts. The people paint their faces.

  Shahid What?

  Chad They wear aftershave. And they paint their faces. What happened to the clothes I gave you?

  Shahid I was too cold.

  Chad You hear the Iranians planning to put the fatwa on the writer?

  Shahid What’s a fatwa?

  Chad That when Allah take a cleaver against a sinner – like what I did against that racist.

  Hat Only it green.

  Chad What?

  Hat Allah is green, so his sword is green – you know, the colour of fertile land.

  Chad Yeah, Allah the first environmentalist. Anyway, it the law, once it passed by the Iranians. It legal then to take action against the blasphemer. And now there’s been a confirmation, no one can doubt it. It will force Iranians to issue the fatwa.

  Hat What confirmation?

  Chad (stating the obvious) We have been given a miraculous sign.

  Hat We blessed! What sort of sign?

  Chad An arrow.

  Shahid An arrow?

  Chad Yeah, it’s an arrow pointing straight at the author.

  Hat What type of arrow?

  Chad I’ll clip you upside your head! How many bloody type of arrows are there? You idiot. I’ll just say this. It’s an arrow in an eggplant.

  Hat How can you plant an egg?

  Chad You fool, Hat, don’t problem up a brother! Moulana Darapuria has now given his confirmation that the aubergine wrapped in Shahid’s pakora is a divine symbol. And we’re exhibiting the righteous aubergine right here! Riaz wants a squad of us brothers to watch the door, make sure the crowds behave, and the press don’t turn hot lights on God’s message.